Help me find patience - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Help me find patience

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH has been very depressed lately. A good friend of his passed away the other day and that along with our marriage issues, I think is bringing him down. I went in to the bedroom to speak to him, just asking how his day was going and asking him if there are any funeral plans yet. He wouldn't even make eye contact with me and mumbled his answers to me. I can see that he's shutting down. I saw him looking at the website 'apartmentfinders' recently so I think he's thinking of moving out. We have had no real conversations about much of anything. I tried talking to him about how I'm struggling with making sure I pick the right programs for our son for his reading comprehension and cognitive memory issues. I tried to pull him into a conversation about it, but he just stood there and said 'hmm' and walked away. It's infuriating!

Also, I was talking to my therapist this week and she was telling me how important it is for us to get help for our son. She was appalled that my AH didn't call our son the entire 2 weeks we were gone. Not even a text message. He made a comment to me that said, "I haven't talked to G in like 2 weeks," I'm guessing to bait me into defending the kid. I didn't say anything because my take on it is: their relationship is NOT my responsibility. If he wanted to talk to his kid, he could have picked up the phone because they both have phones! I don't want to engage him anymore because I'm tired of the denial, the projecting, the blaming, and the excuses. Conversations with him aren't worth my effort so I sit around and wait and wonder what I'm waiting for. Hence, I need to find patience and perserverance. I need to persevere to find the help my son needs so he can grow intellectually and get the help he needs. I need to persevere and through my trials so that I can come out the other side a whole human being, not a broken shell of one.

I need patience as I wait on my HP and wait for my prayers to be heard. I need to be patient with myself while I work on a plan and figure out what my next move is regarding my AH. I truly feel that he is sinking deeper and I need to be prepared for whatever HP has in store for us next.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD: Is there anyone you can talk with about programs for your son besides your husband who might be a real help to you in this process? Somebody who can really partner with you? I haven't had that experience, but I've had others that friends have helped me work through? Maybe a social worker who is in the know about various programs and can help you make decisions about the best ones for your son?

As far as your AH - well, I certainly agree that you aren't responsible for their relationship. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is. I tried to make my ex pay more attention to his kids, but in hindsight, I wouldn't repeat it. He didn't want to do it. I interfered because I saw how his choices affected my son and my daughter but I would make other choices now.

If he's planning on moving out, and checking apartments sure would make me think that's what he is doing, are there any financial decisions you need to make to take care of yourself and your son that you can make?

As far as AH's depression, well - if he's drinking - that is part of the effect of the alcohol and again - there's nothing you can do if he keeps on drinking.

I'm sure others will be responding to you who have a lot more E/S/H than I do in these areas, but I want you to know I've read your post. I'm adding my prayers as you've requested. And I am hoping you are going out every day doing something fun or relaxing. You have a lot to deal with here and you can get depressed, too, without some relief from the heaviness of it all. (((ILD)))

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, my son and I are going out to a light dinner and then running some errands. WE played in the pool today and then played some ping pong, too. As for the help for my ds: yes, I've found quite a few good resources for us and a friend of mine who is a tutor whom I can call and vent to. She is in program, too, and just lost her husband last year to the disease.

I wrote up a list of things I need to do and one of them was making sure I got a good budget written up, notate where I can cut and save money, print all recent bank statements and brokerage statements, research the value of our home and see how much equity is there, etc. Also, I am hoping to pay off my car in the next few months because that's $177 a month I am going to need in the future. I am already writing down ideas on how to amicably split assets, etc.

He's not drinking here, but he is on antidepressants. He drinks when he travels for work or when I go away for a few days for my son's tennis, etc. I think he gets depressed because he isn't drinking and I'm sure his drinking, in general, doesn't help the meds work properly. Like you said, I see now that I can't interfere with my son and AH. My AH needs to step up to the plate and be a dad and if he doesn't want that, I 'm not going to force it on him.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Gosh, ILD. I'm so glad you're not alone in all this and completely vulnerable, too. Lots of support and prayers for all of you. Hope your dinner tastes good.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hey I just saw this and am soo sorry..when it comes to a kid, I get really sad b/ cthe poor kids take the fallout from all this and they are innocent...they have no choice....a youngster can't pack his or her bags and move out

If I were you I woudl just let go the AH...concentrate on you, your program and your sanity here, and so you will be of help to your boy...HE needs you YOU need you...I would let the AH go to his own devices......sounds cold, but he did this to himself and hes doing it to you and the boy.....

I would get a sponsor, and get working on the steps....the meetings and the program tools...I would take care of me and my boy and 4get about the alkie...he will do what he is gonna do no matter what...

I hope you enjoy your dinner w/your son....I hope you can totally forget the "at home" thing and just enjoy your kid....

as to persevering and patience, I think we have to make our own way in life....as to trials, we just work the best options available to us and toss the rest off us.......your inner voice will tell you what to do if you can get into the quiet...and listen......you have a job to do on this earth and one is to raise up that boy and help him be the best he can be....

I am sure he is aware that his dad is not "well" kids know..They may show it but they sense stuff and that is why you need to help him feel safe and stable....the program will help you do that....for you and for him.....

enjoy your dinner date w/son and just let this all go....by not fighting the karma a lot of times the answers come pronto, and or it just goes away on its own....fighting it , fretting it only feeds the negative energy and keeps it going....program is a good way to starve the negative forces trying to do their nasty work...

good luck....enjoy your dinner....Have a nice chat w/your son....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I read your post and thought,"what is she waiting for?" We do the footwork, hp brings the outcome. To be honest, it looks like you are waiting for the AH to make the decision, then you will go from there.

You saw how he does not engage with you about your son. He is not engaged in your life. Hp looks to me like is showing you in so many ways, that you are not picking up on. So is it denial? Is it fear that if you make a move, you have not tried hard enough?

What is it that you are giving a very sick mans disease the power to make decisions over your life?

Me thinks patience has nothing to do with it, it may be more that one is not paying attention. The disease does this to us.

Ah is clear he wants out. He sure does not want in does he?

I like how you are thinking about things. I know when I was proactive in making my own decisions, felt better. One thing i have learned in my old age is when I make a decision that is the one I want. I know for sure. NEver questioning it. Then I make it work.

sending you my love,debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry things are hard for you right now. It sounds like you are aware of the things you can control and continue taking good care of yourself and your son! I am sending you love and support!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear what Deb is saying, I guess I'm still locked in my own disease here and I know I can acknowledge that now. Well, I think AH wants IN but on his terms: he wants me to accept unacceptable behavior, he wants us to cater to him, he wants fun in the bedroom while he goes out and breaks the law hoping I'll look the other way, he wants things that I'm not ready to give until I see him working on recovery.

I think what drives me the craziest is when I try to converse with him about life or tell him a story and he just goes, "hmm" or says nothing at all. Then I wonder why I even bothered. I'm trying to keep up a false facade and trying to be amiable but he wants nothing to do with me. He does this often and then a few days later he'll be normal. I truly wonder if he's taking his meds on a regular basis or if he's abusing them in some way. I kind of know what to expect and that makes me sad, too.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, Grateful, it is abusive. I know that. Aren't most alcoholics abusive in some way? And, yes, it is crappy crappy behavior. And, no, I don't think this is crosstalk, I agree with you about the abuse 100%, I've known it for years and he's escalating it because he knows I won't cater to him or enable him or start a fight with him. It's his way of controlling the atmosphere of the home. If he can't pick a fight with me because I won't bite, then he'll try something else. I get it, I know the deal. I also know this won't last forever. He did this exact same thing back in March for about a week. I've had 2 therapists in the past suggest that he is bi-polar, but he's never been diagnosed with it. Just the narcissism and depression. I truly appreciate your support!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((ILD))) For some reason, I teared up as I read your post. Honey, I am glad you are in Al-Anon. I don't know your age, but given the age of your son - probably about 20 years or more younger than me. If you were my daughter, I'd take you out and treat you to all your favorite things. Then, I'd tell you how special I think that you are. I'd share with you all the wonderful things I've experienced in life with you starting from your infancy to the present. Then, I'd ask you if there were anything else I might do to lighten your load and bring light, joy and peace into your life and into the life of my grandson. Then, I'd look directly at you and tell you I believe in you. I will support you as you decide what is right for you and for your life. Then, I'd hug you if you seemed open to it and then leave you in the care of God as S/He is - safe in the knowledge that HP takes great delight in you and calls you Beautiful.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You have patience and much support. And I am sure all your bases are covered for your care and the care of your son, as it sounds as though you have thought those things through. One day at a time will get you through...in support (((hugs)))

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