The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Letter to ALCOHOLIC SON ~ a draft any suggestions are welcome
first and foremost I want you to know I love you very much. I do hope one day you know how deeply a parents love is for their child.
How did we get here, how much pain has been suffered in 6 years. Since you have been getting help I learned that you were actually stopped by the police many times this past year and your brother (Police officer) refused to help, but you were allowed to call someone.
I know you to be a binge drinker which means you were sober at times. Those sober times did you ever care about the pain you were causing your family and the problems you were creating for your life.
Your addiction has affected me greatly!!! Since March of 2007 when alcohol reared its ugly head and NEVER STOPPED IT HAS AFFECTED OUR LIVES I have been in pain, pain that HAS continued to grow over the years. The PAIN I FEEL IS SO DEEP and has grown bigger than myself since 2007. I am not new to being co dependent, how did i not see what i was doing. ONLY THIS YEAR HAVE I REALIZED--- I ENABLED ----TRIED TO FIX AND MANAGE YOUR PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS YOU CREATED FOR YOURSELF.
The first time you were arrested I thought it was some terrible mis judgement you had a one time thing, that would never happen again.
I fought for you to graduate on stage that year at your High School because they did not want YOU one of the TOP graduates IN 2007 to be able to be on stage because of the trouble you got in.
I look back and cannot believe I was in such denial.
Not my SON I said!!! he has never been in trouble he was sucked in by an older crowd. As far as I KNEW YOU DID NOT DRINK- denial # 1
Then came the summer from HELL!! I cannot count the # of times you were arrested that summer for One thing or another ALL HAVING ONE COMMON THREAD- ALCOHOL !!!! Still DENIAL # 2
You found a bunch of drunk people to hang out with when you lied about working at COWBOYS. YOU WORKED UNDERAGE AS A BARTENDER I WAS SO ANGRY. You told me they didn't give you alcohol I was stupid enough to believe you. I knew in my heart you were drinking but could not admit that to myself. I wanted to believe you.
Then when I got YOU a job where I worked I would here others talk about your antics while drunk. I still lived in that world of fixing rescuing and doing what I had to --- To cover the destruction in your wake.
MANY PROBLEMS THEN BEGAN TO OCCUR BECAUSE YOU WERE AN UNDERAGE ALCOHOLIC BAR TENDER. LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE.
Then you started getting in trouble ALOT I cannot count the times. There was the time the police let you call your MOM AND YOU CALLED A FRIENDS MOM. I don't know who called dad & I that early Sunday morning maybe it was your PRETEND MOM.
We went to Hub City Diner where you were at and I will never forget the cursing you did at your dad and I ----MY LIFE WAS UNRAVELING BEFORE MY EYES.
YOUR ADDICTION BEGAN TO COST YOUR FATHER AND I IN MANY WAYS. Your addiction Not only cost me MONEY BOND AND LEGAL FEES but cost me happiness, ruined my self esteem and put me at odds with your dad who could see where you were headed ----down a path of destruction.
I was sure if I had been a good enough mom YOU WOULDN'T DO THIS!!! I begged I pleaded I cried nothing ever worked.
You would lie and looking back YOU LIED TO ME ALL THE TIME!!! DENIAL # who knows.
Then there was the THANKSGIVING OF 2007 when I could not find you! I called YOUR OLDER BROTHER I told him you werent in LPSO jail. he said to check other parish jails.
YOU SEE CHECKING Sheriffs Website for overnight arrests EVERY MORNING BECAME PART OF MY LIFE. As I would scroll through the A's I would pray please GOD DON'T LET HIM BE IN JAIL AGAIN!!!!
I found you but this time in SMP JAILyou stayed through thanksgiving I will never forget my anger and depression I went through that THANKSGIVING DAY, no Thanksgiving has ever been the same.
You not only had gotten arrested but TOTALED THE USED TRUCK your father and I had paid for and had worked so hard to purchase for you.
This time you FLIPPED YOUR TRUCK UPSIDE DOWN IN A CANAL FULL OF WATER. HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THE MAN DRIVING BEHIND YOU, WHO BY THE GRACE OF GOD, RESCUED YOU!!! ! WHO KNOWS IF YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THAT TRUCK IN THAT WATER OR IF YOU WOULD OF DROWN!!!!
AGAIN YOU MADE MORE EXCUSES AND TOLD MORE LIES.
2008 brought more of the same but I didn't have your brother to help you or watch out for you --- HE WAS DEPLOYED TO IRAQ.
I HAD ONE SON KILLING HIMSELF WITH ALCOHOL AND ANOTHER SON IN COMBAT IN IRAQ.
THAT IS WHEN I BECAME A SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF A DOWNWARD SPIRAL FOR ME.
A SPIRAL THAT NEVER STOPPED.
I fell apart slowly but surely I became physically ill and depressed. I missed work and I lost a job I loved.
2009 brings another DWI and more trouble at bars fighting and doing whatever you were doing in YOUR QUEST TO DESTROY YOURSELF!
I was trying to find employment and finally had a job interview. On the morning of that interview is when you got arrested yet again. I was devastated. But I somehow thru the tears I made it to my job interview.
I would hear cars in middle of the night and was sure one night the police would show up to tell me you had died. I knew I could not survive that- I knew it would be the end of me. I knew at the pace you were at you were going to wreck and kill yourself or someone else or both. How could be so selfish to think you can drive our streets drunk. HOW DARE YOU!!!
Finally at my insistence you went to AA. You became sober and I had my son back I didn't have to stay up all night, check to see if you were in jail. For the first time I felt I could breathe just a little.
I remember how different you were, how responsible. I thought ALL THE RESCUING WAS WORTH IT. I FIXED YOU!!!
Then ALCOHOL ENTERED YOUR LIFE AGAIN AND I LIVED IN FEAR OF WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. THIS TIME YOU WERE MORE ERATIC AND CRAZED.
Nothing could have prepared me for this last year, every bit of life has been sucked out of me. I feel very old. I know I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT do this anymore. I want to live but am too busy keeping you alive.
I didnt cause this AND I can't and won't fix this!!!
HERE I sit and I cannot help but wonder what is next for ME!!! WHAT IS NEXT FOR DAD!!! WHAT IS NEXT FOR OUR FAMILY?
TODAY Son I AM HERE TO RECLAIM MY LIFE. I deserve to have a life free from constant turmoil, stress and unhappiness. Dad and I deserve a life that does not include craziness, lies and denial.
I want my life back.
Taking my life back means I WILL NO LONGER MANAGE ENABLE OR FIX YOURS.
I realize that you are an alcoholic, I have accepted that.
DAD AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN GOOD PARENTS TO YOU.
I refuse to blame myself for where you are at.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHERE YOU ARE AND YOU NEED TO OWN YOUR OWN STUFF. IT IS YOUR DECISIONS THAT GOT YOU FACING THE PROBLEMS YOU HAVE TODAY.
I AM HERE TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU AND SUPPORT YOUR RECOVERY. BUT SHOULD YOU RETURN TO YOUR ADDICTIONS.
I WILL NOT HELP, RESCUE,FIX AND I WILL-HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE.
I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!! Today I am reclaiming what life I have left.
I do not deserve nor will tolerate mistreatment.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure your addictions.
As scary as this sounds it is now about survival for me. It is about me getting to live a life with your Dad before my days are up. It's about your dad and I getting our life back. It is time!
I CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE THERE IF YOU CHOOSE TO DESTOY YOUR LIFE!!!
I CHOOSE TO NOT BEAR WITNESS IF YOU CHOOSE DESTRUCTION.
IT IS ALL UP TO YOU NOW!!! You and ONLY YOU are able to do what you need to do to recover!
While I support you as long as you are recovering and remaining sober. I am realizing that our family is barely hanging together.
WE TRY WE PRETEND ALL IS FINE---ALL IS NOT FINE!
Alcoholism affects everyone in some way shape or form in a family.
It is not the family life I imagined we would all have as the 3 of you became adults.
I CHOOSE TODAY TO GET HEALTHY! I CHOOSE TO MENTALLY HEALTHY!
I HOPE YOU DO THE SAME IN YOUR LIFE!
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
Remember psalm 23 THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHARD I SHALL NOT WANT HE LEADS ME THRU GREEN PASTURES HE RESTORES MY SOUL
Sent from my iPad
-- Edited by FAITH1988 on Saturday 27th of July 2013 12:29:11 AM
-- Edited by FAITH1988 on Saturday 27th of July 2013 01:00:47 AM
I hope I am posting in the correct place I worked very hard on this letter and have to read it to my son during retreat! PLEASE HELP AND LET ME KNOW ANY THINGS YOU WOUL CHANGE!
Hi, Faith. Thank you for sharing your letter with us. Lots of pain pouring out on the pages. Lots of angst, frustration, anger, resentment, worry, sadness being moved from under your ribcage onto paper where it cannot hurt you anymore. Let me hand you a box of cyberspace tissue as I sit beside you and wait on you to grieve through all of this in your way and in your time, my hand on your shoulder, my trust in your process. If you're still sobbing as you read these pages (out loud, I hope), keep reading them. Read them until all the tears wash away that which needs to come out.
Read them until there are no more tears, no more sobbing and you are empty. You are not alone in your pain. There are thousands of us who have thought those same things, been through those same things, felt those same things and feel much, much compassion for you and for your son. When you are empty and feel a calm and feel ready - read your letter again and see if you want to make any changes before you read it in public on Tuesday. If you cry then, so be it. It's you. Its part of what makes you real and human - not a polished bit of stone sitting in a chair. Take care, Faith.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of July 2013 08:20:10 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of July 2013 08:20:40 AM
Hello Faith, I am too a mother like you are a mother and your letter was very honest and open, quite emotional for me to read. I have also written a letter, it remains unseen for the time being. I can see you have accepted the reality of your life and that is such a good thing. The next thing that has and is helping me are the steps, step 1 - I am powerless - such a powerful statement because it means stop!! stop trying to fix, save, change, this is our insanity - doing the same things over and over but always expecting different results. Step 1 frees you to begin living. Step 2 - Came to believe a power greater than us could restore us to sanity. I love this because it means there is hope and help we just need to believe. Step 3 -Turn our will over to God as we know him. Let go and let God - whatever is happening to your son and mine is supposed to and is all for the greater good but when we but in and interfere we only prolong the agony for everyone.
At my stage of recovery I am trying to really work these three steps. I think these ones are the daily ones and are extra important for us Mothers. We are battling societies views of what a Mother should be. A good mother does not let her child fall, she always picks up the pieces. Well NO!! A good mother trusts that her son has a higher power and only he can help, a mother who only enables and hides allows the madness to continue. For me its all about trusting that everything is as it should be even the craziness surrounding alcoholism. My misguided attempts at controlling and changing only serve to deflect from the true and real issues my loved ones are struggling with. All fear based emotions and decisions are wrong, every one of them. It takes courage to let go but it truly is for the best for everyone. You are not alone and the support is here and thats part of letting go. Take care.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 27th of July 2013 08:31:54 AM
I can see and feel the enormous amount of sadness and pain that you have endured and can so relate to the drama. I do agree working this letter with your sponsor is a great idea.
As an objective observer and a long time alanon person who strongly believes in the principles of the program, I do believe that listing all the pain he caused you will simply turn him off early in the reading. He will shut down and not really hear. I know this because my Mom would often write long letters telling me of how badly I had hurt her and I would immediately go to my defense and justify my actions and blame her and others for my actions.
I would strongly urge him to look at his lost opportunities,and point out how he failed himself . I would focus on the missed opportunities that he squandered in his life. The loss of his self respect, the ability to build a career, a life with success and achievements The inability to find a life style that would bring him happiness. The willingness of the family to support him in every healthy manner and how he walked away and choose destruction. Then I would touch on the pain and disappointment that you and the family felt as he fell down the rabbit hole.
Please let us know how it goes Good luck
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 27th of July 2013 07:11:10 PM
I realized I have several grammatical errors in my letter to my son. I having read it 20 times, notice a few words I would restate. This was hard to do. My counselor said to write the letter like an Oreo cookie.
Begin with telling him how much I love and care for him the middle tell him the pain he has caused citing examples. Then ending with I love him. I do love my son!
I read this letter in a public setting on Tuesday. A public setting meaning the rehab staff and 2 others graduating rehab with him.
I still break down reading the letter, my counselor wants me to be so comfortable with the letter to be able to get thru it not SOBBING! Yes I will cry tears will stream BUT IF I AM SOBBING HE WILL NOT HEAR NOR UNDERSTAND what I am saying.
Thank you for listening this board has saved and helped me so much.
Betty I will tell him his missed opportunities GREAT IDEA!!! Pink chip I agree with you as well. I do not have a sponsor but am working with MY counselor as well as MY SON'S rehab individual counselor. He is a former addict.
I expressed concern to Paul (son's individual counselor in rehab) that it was to harsh. He read my ROUGH DRAFT and said HE NEEDS TO HEAR THIS! He said I want each member of your family to bring a letter to give AS a clear picture of the pain he has caused his family members. I am to provide specific events, how I was affected and hurt. I am to explain how he has harmed me physically emotionally financially and spiritually.
AS is at a different place than he was 30 days ago, no AS would never have listened to this letter if he hadn't gotten to the point he is now. He has never gone to rehab last time he was sober for a year of his own choosing. His last sobriety he didn't drink but his behavior did not change Ie still gambled went to bars but didn't drink.
ONE DAY HE THOUGHT HE COULD JUST DRINK A COUPLE OF BEERS, he did for a couple of months. Then the binge ing behavior began again.
I do want to tone down some and not repeat the same things and add what Betty has suggested. I think I will be more comfortable doing that. I LOVE THAT BOY WITH EVERY PART OF MY BEING! I do not want to hurt him but he has just seen me "crazy" begging fussing never telling him how a certain event stayed with me, and how much I stuffed down.
AS wrote me a letter when he 1st entered rehab- the letter I received this week I see a turnaround.
Some of his letter: AS said Mom, I have a long road ahead of me and alot of legal problems but I have faith it will work out one day at a time. I am really looking forward to a sober life-& getting my SELF RESPECT BACK. I was actually the happiest when I got sober before, I am excited to get that back. I have to make a lot of changes to how I live my life not just drinking. Thank you for being my mom. I LOVE YOU ~~~~ AS
My son while he will graduate from inpatient treatment, goes directly to extensive outpatient treatment for 12 weeks. 4 nights a week for 3 hours a night. He has a full time managerial job. Paul said AS son is bright and thought his job and employees couldn't survive without him- so he would let him call in work 2 times a week to answer questions in relation to his job,oilfield project management. Paul said there were no questions this week and AS son realizes THE COMPANY WILL AND CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT HIM. Paul said AS ego was too big and it scared him that THE COMPANY can do without him.
So everyone I am interested in your input. I will tone letter down and PUT BETTY's EXCELLENT IDEA in there. This confrontation at rehab happens 4 days before he gets out and is monitored by Psychologists different from his rehab counselor. It is done 4 days early so he can digest and be counseled and accept the pain he has caused(this is what they tell me).
AS dad and sister wrote a paragraph we support you and refuse to enable you that is all they will say. My oldest son the police officer and I are the MAJOR ENABLERS IN AS life. PO son's letter will call AS son out but knowing my PO son it will be loving. So that leaves me, I hate that all other family members are just saying fluff but it is their choice. I am going to tell my son the GOD'S HONEST TRUTH as I have lived it, but need to tone down say 15% and add Betty's suggestion WHICH IS BEYOND BRILLIANT.
HELP THOUGHTS
{{{Faith}}}
-- Edited by FAITH1988 on Saturday 27th of July 2013 03:02:01 PM
Faith: Based on the guidelines and your desire to shorten this to 3 or 5 minutes tops, it might be helpful to you to simply focus on writing the letter for presentation as it relates to your son and how his disease affected you as outlined in the guide. One-sided page of handwritten work is about 5 minutes in length when read aloud. And - if read aloud - helps you write a concise and tight piece for presentation as you re-write it.
The rest of the letter is something about you and for you as you've written it and can be kept as a declaration of your commitment to your own growth and healing but is not necessary for presentation on Tuesday if it is not requested in the guidelines?
Example only: My dear son(name), how much I have loved you and will always love you. We have shared so many things together in our lives.
I know you've had hopes and dreams and how much fear and sadness and powerlessness I've felt when you've allowed that disease to rob you of: insert his hopes and dreams as you know them.
Your father and I have also had hopes and dreams for you and have (insert how you've tried to help him achieve them). But, your disease dashed our hopes and dreams for you and our trust in you when you (insert those ways that he behaved while drunk that devastated, destroyed or broke your trust in him)
As your mother, I have grieved for you, for me and your Dad, and I've watched the disease affect your sister and brother, too (list those ways).
I want you to know that in spite of this and even though your father and I are going to behave differently in relationship to you, that I believe in you and your ability to make the long-term changes you have said you want to make in a recovery program. I will be watching to see if you truly mean what you say by what you do and hopefully together we can rebuild our relationship in ways that are healthy and life-giving for all of us. If you do not stay in recovery - and this will be a lifelong work on your part - your father and I will (insert what you will do to care for yourselves or what you will not do in relationship to him or a combination of each).
This might help create a 3 to 5 minute presentation that feels honest and loving to you and that he will hear.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of July 2013 04:00:09 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of July 2013 04:00:51 PM
I would agree with Hotrod, use your letter as a tool for you but as for reading it out to him I know I wouldn't for my son. He is in enough pain that I am powerless over, it's that very pain that keeps them locked in. The best thing for me is my own attitude to life, I show him that and hope to lead by example there is no other way that i know of. Check out the steps pages on this website. Step 4 is a moral and fearless inventory of us not them. Its not about what they've done its about what we have done and what we can change and improve in our lives. x
Reading that actually made me cry. It benefits me greatly to hear things like your letter. Even though it saddens me to hear of your pain, it keeps it real as to what my life could become and how badly could hurt those I love the most if I were ever to drink again. I would not change anything in that letter. It's your truth written with the aid of you HP.
Down the line...after a while sober, we (alcoholics) forget and minimize. We see regular drinkers who can seemingly enjoy alcohol and a glass of liquid that is so common in society seems harmless again. We rationalize "that was me just being young and stupid before. I can handle it now." We tell ourselves "It's my life! It's only hurting me if anyone."
It takes a radical spiritual shift to stay sober long term. For me..I have to always remember exactly what alcohol did to me and how it was not just some dumb mistakes and poor judgement. It stole my soul and turned me into a selfish and destructive monster. Hence, I do believe your letter makes it obvious what this disease has done and how serious that is. That message needs to stay in his head for the rest of his life one day at a time. Yes, you are powerless over his recovery...BUT I know if he's serious this time, it will add to his willingness. Part of why I don't drink is that I NEVER want to hurt my family like that again. More of it is that I just don't want to be that person. I want to be what my hp wants me to be.
Prayers for you and your son. Thank you for sharing that Faith.
The pain and sadness in your life brought on by your son's alcoholism is very clearly stated in the letter. I am of two minds here - Betty and Pink Chip. I understand that this is about US, but I understand the need to express to our alcoholic child the madness, craziness and destruction in our lives that has been brought on by their alcoholism . When I said something to this effect years ago to our AD, she screamed back at us " I know I %$#ked up, I know I am a screw-up, thanks so much for pointing that out!" She is still drinking today, and the damage to herself and her life continues. But I got a program. As pink chip says, it will take a radical spiritual shift for them to find their way to sobriety. I pray for that shift everyday.
What ever you decided to do, you and your son are in my prayers
I do agree with hotrod too. My ability to look at myself and the harm I caused is a bit more advanced and also comes from years in recovery. If it was just you reading that letter and he was not in rehab with counselors to support him and you guys to process and work through it, I'd say he would shut down like others stated. I don't know if that will happen given the therapeutic setting.
I do agree working this letter with your sponsor is a great idea.
, I do believe that listing all the pain he caused you will simply turn him off early in the reading. He will shut down and not really hear. I know this because my Mom would often write long letters telling me of how badly I had hurt her and I would immediately go to my defense and justify my actions and blame her andothers for my actions.
I would strongly urge him to look at his lost opportunities,and point out how he failed himself . I would focus on the missed opportunities that he squandered in his life. The loss of his self respect, the ability to build a career, a life with success and achievements The inability to find a life style that would bring him happiness. The willingness of the family to support him in every healthy manner and how he walked away and choose destruction. Then I would touch on the pain and disappointment that you and the family felt as he fell down the rabbit hole.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 27th of July 2013 08:59:20 AM
I 100% agree with this..............#1...get a sponsor to help you construct this letter...................#2...I would focus on what he did to himself...the lost this and the lost that.......if this letter were read to me, I would , if I were still sick , go into defense mode and I would just shut down.......its different than going to a prison and facing the murder of your child and telling HIM what HE did ...this is different....U R communicating w/an active user and the mind set is gonna be different.......he is NOT in recovery, no where near a step 4 discovery......so letter has to be done so HE will absorb its meaning.........the N's and the A's are soo into self...the only way to reach them is telling him what he did to "self".......otherwise, what Betty said will happen.....He will tune out...disconnect and hear nothing............I like the idea of this letter, but with a sponsor you can construct it so you are listing all the things he robbed HIMSELF of.......Do you have a good sponsor???? If not, I hope you can get some help with this b4 you approach him.......He needs to know what life he lost due to his actions............I see the anger and hurt on your part.............that letter would serve as a great journal for you to debrief your pain and as part of YOUR recovery............we gotta do a different one for him....One he will HEAR ...........PEACE
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Faith, so many of us have experienced the heartaches you've written about. Your son's job in recovery is to do his own inventory with his higher power and an AA of how he's wronged others and in his 9th step of AA make amends. We work our Alanon recovery in the same manner.
You asked for suggestions.... I have not changed your words
You begin with love for your son and end with the same.
What's happened in between will resolve itself if you are both working a sincere program of recovery.
More will be revealed
Below is how I see your letter. Please just take what you like and leave the rest concerning my suggestion. I wish you and your son recovery and healing. Hugs TT
first and foremost I want you to know I love you very much. I do hope one day you know how deeply a parents love is for their child.
How did we get here, how much pain has been suffered in 6 years. Since you have been getting help I learned that you were actually stopped by the police many times this past year and your brother (Police officer) refused to help, but you were allowed to call someone.
I know you to be a binge drinker which means you were sober at times. Those sober times did you ever care about the pain you were causing your family and the problems you were creating for your life.
Your addiction has affected me greatly!!! Since March of 2007 when alcohol reared its ugly head and NEVER STOPPED IT HAS AFFECTED OUR LIVES I have been in pain, pain that HAS continued to grow over the years. The PAIN I FEEL IS SO DEEP and has grown bigger than myself since 2007. I am not new to being co dependent, how did i not see what i was doing. ONLY THIS YEAR HAVE I REALIZED--- I ENABLED ----TRIED TO FIX AND MANAGE YOUR PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS YOU CREATED FOR YOURSELF.
TODAY Son I AM HERE TO RECLAIM MY LIFE. I deserve to have a life free from constant turmoil, stress and unhappiness. Dad and I deserve a life that does not include craziness, lies and denial.
I want my life back.
Taking my life back means I WILL NO LONGER MANAGE ENABLE OR FIX YOURS.
I realize that you are an alcoholic, I have accepted that.
DAD AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN GOOD PARENTS TO YOU.
I refuse to blame myself for where you are at.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHERE YOU ARE AND YOU NEED TO OWN YOUR OWN STUFF. IT IS YOUR DECISIONS THAT GOT YOU FACING THE PROBLEMS YOU HAVE TODAY.
I AM HERE TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU AND SUPPORT YOUR RECOVERY. BUT SHOULD YOU RETURN TO YOUR ADDICTIONS.
I WILL NOT HELP, RESCUE,FIX AND I WILL-HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE.
I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!! Today I am reclaiming what life I have left.
I do not deserve nor will tolerate mistreatment.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure your addictions.
As scary as this sounds it is now about survival for me. It is about me getting to live a life with your Dad before my days are up. It's about your dad and I getting our life back. It is time!
I CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE THERE IF YOU CHOOSE TO DESTOY YOUR LIFE!!!
I CHOOSE TO NOT BEAR WITNESS IF YOU CHOOSE DESTRUCTION.
IT IS ALL UP TO YOU NOW!!! You and ONLY YOU are able to do what you need to do to recover!
While I support you as long as you are recovering and remaining sober. I am realizing that our family is barely hanging together.
WE TRY WE PRETEND ALL IS FINE---ALL IS NOT FINE!
Alcoholism affects everyone in some way shape or form in a family.
It is not the family life I imagined we would all have as the 3 of you became adults.
I CHOOSE TODAY TO GET HEALTHY! I CHOOSE TO MENTALLY HEALTHY!
I HOPE YOU DO THE SAME IN YOUR LIFE!
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
Remember psalm 23 THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHARD I SHALL NOT WANT HE LEADS ME THRU GREEN PASTURES HE RESTORES MY SOUL
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Lots of understanding and support, Faith, no matter what you choose to do for you and with this letter. You've been through a lot - not only with your son - I hope this experience of writing this letter will help you let go of a lot of the pain you've carried. (((F)))
Tired
I love that but am supposed to be SPECIFIC! So I am confused.
Maybe just mention how I check arrests and 1 incident?
Maybe just maybe I wrote this letter for me not him and should follow my other family members and fluff it.
My guidelines by rehab say
State specific event and specific behavior
Say what happened how you felt and how it affected you
Say how Alcoholic has affected others in your family
BE SPECIFIC AND CLEAR ~~ ok here is why I wrote in detail the 2 events.
This letter is needed to give the person in treatment a clear picture of his/her problem. It is very important to be thorough and specific in explaining how your family member has affected you.
This is quoting directly from the rehab letter.
I feel this is a horrible letter and I will cause damage to my son reading it. I am watering it way down, whether or not he stays sober is not going to be based on a letter from me.
I so want any and all thoughts and that each person brings something different to the subject is helping me to work this letter thing out, I am working on watering down. A lot of what I wrote brought much sobbing and pain to the surface. I will pick one event when he almost drown and state that event.
I really appreciate the brainstorming I could not get through that letter in front of my son, family and the 2 other addicts and families graduating and participating in this retreat I would have a nervous breakdown.
Continue giving me ideas and let me see how to WAY WATER down yet abide by what the treatment facility has asked of me.
Going to shorten it to 3-5 mins tops.
{{{{Faith}}}}
Lord guide my hand as I write a letter for my youngest child I wish Lord for his recovery and help for myself help!
Amen
I love steps 1-3 and know how you feel. Oh I hid, lied oh that wasn't my son that got arrested etc
Did like you said "do what all good mothers should do"
As you said what we did is drive ourself INSANE. Exactly do the same thing over and over but expect it to be different.
My son has only seen me in that frantic cover manage throw money at CRAZINESS. For me to sit calmly in front of him and share SOME pain (my letter is over the top) there will be tears no sobbing, sobbing is for me to get the pain out.
I am Grateful for your good idea!!!! Ok I see what you mean i don't need to declare what I will do for me just what his behavior has done to me and the pain I felt.
SO TRUE, I wrote it for me! Grateful, your outline brings tears to my eyes as it shows LOVE YET BOUNDARIES!
I spoke to my husband who is uncomfortable reading a letter to our son in a "public" setting. He loves your outline and he and I are writing OUR LETTER TO OUR SON together.
I will read it but he has added some things I deleted about half the pain of my letter and am following your outline.
What you have done is brought us together where this morning I was angry because he said he couldn't write or read a letter about his pain.
Now he and I will walk this "letter" road together. I thank you for that.
We will walk the road like we have the last 22 years with our son. Some may know, I think grateful does.
But AS is not my husband his DAD's bio child. AS dad was an abusive alcoholic who committed suicide when my son was 2.
My husband and I married a year later he was a high school friend and he adopted my 3 children, then 3,4 and 7.
He has been a great dad to our children. My normal husband I call him.
The only dad they have known! My husband has no bio children of his own so it has created guilt within me that he stepped up married me and took 3 children as his own and then due to genetics baby son has this disease.
I hope this makes sense. Only God could have sent my husband a non abuser a non addict into our lives.
I want to thank you all strangers yet friends bound by some same life experiences.
Good, Faith! I'm so glad you and your husband will now be writing and presenting the letter together! You sound so much stronger and ready to do this now. In fact, you sound happy! (((Faith and Husband))) BTW - God might have sent you this husband, but the both of you had to agree! Sounds like you both made a very good decision together there, too!
Everyone Thank you
The Final letter is posted in its own topic as it should be.
Healing took place today a lot of healing!
I have a lot of work to do in my recovery but I am at peace with OUR LETTER to our son!
Please read the new calm at peace letter my husband and I wrote!
Everyone's suggestions played a different role with my struggle today and in that healing a lot of healing. I cried a lot today I shared my anger letter or recovery letter here before my husband.
The decision to write the letter together came indirectly from all of you.
I am Blessed that all of you helped me.
It has been a soul searching revealing day!
Love Faith
I want to get to the point in my recovery where I help others instead of always needing help!
