The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My study step 4 topic is EXPECTATION b/c I think that is what got me all in a wad of late, re: certain family member
My younger sister (1 yr. younger) has worked in mental health till she retired and did research on my condition (anxiety / ptsd) to help me...
Anyway, I called her about my post re: Daugther #2 and my expectations and told her what was suggested to me and which made a lot of sense, Thank you alanoners for that
She told me Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments....and in the wake of my posts re: daughter #2......I asked her "what kind of relationship do I have if I cannot expect her to be straight w/me...cannot expect her to keep engagements w/me....cannot expect her to be there is something happend to me.....what kind of relationship do I HAVE???
Her reply is "not much" and she went on to say that there are "reasonable" and "Unreasonable" expectations...In a healthy relationship it is reasonable to expect honesty, keeping commitments or telephone the person with a hell of a good excuse and to expect them to be there for you most of the time, if it is close relationship
the operative word for me was It is NOT reasonable for me to expect her to be any thing (not in recovery) than she is....so its MY job, in the course of taking care of me is yea,
have fun with her when our paths meet, enjoy a good laugh with her when we see each other, but its my job to do the detachment....NO expectations....Just like you all said..."kill off the expectations" just don't expect anything from her.....that way I won't be pissed off, upset, hurt, disappointed, b/c I was not expecting anything from her...
Take it for what it is....don't look to her for anything but casual fun, chatting, maybe a bike ride.....
I feel like the lesson for me was in the expectations....expecting someone who is irresponsible to be responsible...expecting one who lies to me to be honest......
There is a lot of good in her...she is affectionate....she is fun to chat with.....she , i know, loves me in her own way and that is that....she is a gentle natured person...there is a lot of good in her , however I need to detach....take care of me...."kill off" any expectations when it comes to her....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
"I feel like the lesson for me was in the expectations....expecting someone who is irresponsible to be responsible...expecting one who lies to me to be honest......
There is a lot of good in her...she is affectionate....she is fun to chat with.....she , i know, loves me in her own way and that is that....she is a gentle natured person...there is a lot of good in her , however I need to detach....take care of me...."kill off" any expectations when it comes to her..."
Thank you for your share Neshema;
I find that when I love someone very much and they do not come through to my expectations, I myself feel unloved and cheated; but I don't want to be in my pity party either, of course......so what happens then?
Sometimes we clash with the people we love most, but in the end we love them in a way that is healthier for ourselves, doing our own thing without expectations and letting the rest follow.
