The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend/colleague that opened my eyes a bit.
Her mother was diagnosed two years ago with a serious blood disorder, and during that time the entire family has been deeply affected by the disease. When the diagnosis first came, I remember my friend and I were traveling together for work. She was so worried and anxious, and constantly checking her phone for updates. At every situation involving her Mom, she would jump and react, often rushing out of important business discussions to try to "take care" of something happening at the hospital hundreds of miles away.
As time went on, my friend continued to miss important work events and make changes in her social life to accommodate her Mom's failing health and changing needs. My friend grew angry with her brothers and sister, who, in her opinion, were not doing their fair share to help their Mom. My friend grew angry and frustrated with other work colleagues and managers, who, in her opinion, were not being understanding about the time she needed to devote to her Mom's care, and also were not interested in asking her regularly how well her Mom was doing.
During all this time, also beginning about two years ago, my husband began his decline into serious alcoholism and addiction. I was at an important work conference, and was constantly checking my phone for messages. I was jumping up out of meetings to leave early and take care of a "family situation". I was growing more and more frustrated with my husband's family, who knew he was in need of help, but kept telling me they couldn't help him. Unlike my friend, I didn't share the details of my husband's illness / addiction with many people, but with those I did share, I slowly grew angry and frustrated with them because they kept giving me advice that I did not want...'you should just leave him', 'you have to get him into a long term rehab facility', you should take his car away from him'...on and on it went.
Finally, I got myself to an Al-anon meeting, and then made my way to this group. Now, I realize that my husband does have a serious illness, just like my friend's mother. I am doing so much better at not reacting to every situation involving his illness. I am more focused on myself, my own care, and definitely not jumping up out of business meetings and rushing home to "help" anymore.
Yesterday, as I had lunch with my friend, and I asked her about her Mom, she described the situation calmly. Her Mom is declining, but is getting good medical care. My friend is getting back to her old social routines, and traveling more for business, and enjoying both. She is letting her family help out where they want to, but she is really trying not to take on too much. She is reaching out to outside people (home health care, cleaning service, etc. ) for help when she can.
I told her she seemed calmer, and that I remembered how anxious she was when this all began. She told me, at first it was so scary, and she was so anxious, wanting to fix everything, because she thought every medical situation was life and death. She was terrified. Now she knows more and knows that her Mom might have a bad day, might need a transfusion, might have a bad nosebleed, or something else, but that none of these things are fatal, and they all will pass, so she needs to get back to her regular life.
She doesn't know about me and my husband's situation. I wished I could share with her that I really do understand the peace she has obtained, because I see myself getting to that same point in dealing with my husband's / my disease. I have really learned to hold onto "this too shall pass".
It is such a shame that the world is not more accepting of alcoholism and addiction as a disease, but thank God, we have the rooms of Al-anon where we and the disease are accepted, and we can get the support and comfort we need to get healthy.
Really enjoyed this share and its experience/strength/hope. I have learned to share with people who care the message that alcoholism/drug addiction is a disease and not a moral failing and requires its own type of treatment - just like any other disease. I see it as part of my own 12th step. Recently, a person close to me discovered one of their own loved ones had a major addiction issue. Went straight to Al-Anon. Grateful that somebody in this person's life saw this as a disease and not a fault of my friend's to beat up on themselves about. We just never know how or where or when this sharing of the message that this is a disease will benefit another person, in my experience.
It's tricky paris since recovery remains possible for the alcoholic through wiilingness, honesty, and open mindedness. Hence, it's much harder to detach when a person refuses clearly indicated treatment. Treating them like they are helpless and victims of a disease in that way is harmful. Truly a cunning, baffling, powerful disease. It is good you and I and others can come here and to alanon and AA where people understand much better. The comparison you made with your friend and her mom is a valid one and you wrote and explained it so eloquently..a truly great share. I would add that in addition to your having to worry about stigma of your husband's alcoholism, you also have been faced with madness of your partner being treatment noncompliant and also him doing things that literally make his disease and suffering worse. So I venture to say these added variables make this disease even more trying and difficult for families affected.
Yes, that is the rub isn't it? The added complexity of the the A wanting to get help and doing the work themselves is really the key. It really doesn't matter (for his recovery) that I accept this as a disease. I will admit, I have treated him as helpless and as a victim in the past. I am working very hard to stop that behavior, as it does neither of us any good. I am letting him own his choices and own his recovery, in whatever form that takes. I am working very hard to live in the moment and take things one day at a time.
But it matters for MY recovery that I see this as a disease. I used to see his alcoholism as a moral failure, just as Grateful2Be says. But, today I have so much more compassion for him, and for all the As in my life, and so much of my resentment and anger have gone away. I am no saint by any means. There are days when I just want to scream, but today is not one of those days.
