HARD to just let go - Al-Anon Family Group

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

HARD to just let go

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you love both equally but mesh better with the one. Possible that your other daughter doesn't try to be as good a daughter cuz she knows you get along better with her sister. For example, my mom always wanted to be a lawyer, but said the pressure was to be a nurse or teacher when she went to college. Well, my sister is a lawyer and, while I have no doubt my mom loves us all, she absolutely has some vicarious living going on through my sister. I let go of that and stopped competing. It wasn't a competition anyhow. Mom just has more in common with my sister. It's all good. Maybe some of these dynamics are in play here. Letting go would be ideal cuz you can'thelp meshing with your one daughter better even though you love them both.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

N...one of the best "let goes" I learned in program was of expectations...all of them. Whenever an expectation had to do with any other human being it became attached to a "let go". My elder sponsor during the "let go of expectations" lessons taught me that if I killed my expecations of something coming out my way that if it didn't I wouldn't be hurt by it and if it did I would be pleasantly surprised. I had great sponsorship and this lesson really works for me. I went to college and became a therapist in behavioral health working with other humans like myself from dysfunctional origins including alcoholism and drug addictions and I took the expectations lessons with me. You cannot believe how it helped me live thru all of the circus stuff. Some of my co-workers use to tell me "you're not affected by all of this insanity" and others use to ask me "how do you do it"? I spoke to them about expectations and not having them rule me. I have never met one individual in my life that ever said to me "Great lets do it all your way"!! LOL Thank God there is only one of me as I look at them and ask myself "How is it that they see me and would they want to be with me while I had the lead"? The program is as much a "we" thing as the rest of my life and my life even more because most of the other people in my life don't have the steps, traditions (especially) slogans and the rest of the program...we are off in all different directions almost all of the time. I don't meet the expectations of many other people most of the time unintentionally and sometimes on purpose. The rule for me is "getting close to the mark"...all people are acceptable even when at times their actions are not and I hope that they see me in the same light also. When they do we might not be on the same page and maybe just in the telling of the same story...life.

When I practiced as a therapist one of my skills was to be able to see "their" life as if it was my own (similarities) and to ask myself would I also display the same behaviors (mind, body, spirit and emotions) as a result. I then compared what they were doing against what I had done and this helped me to "come to understand" some of the why solutions and be able to express that back to them. I also have friends and relatives who act similarly as your adopted daughter for different reasons...it's okay what is key is that they are worthy of my unconditional love which is key to letting go and for me the love that I was taught in the skill of detachment with love. I am not their manager. My eldest son and I are estranged today by his choice...he has estranged himself from lots of others and our door is still open to him with no expectations that he be other than what he has chosen to be today. Our behaviors are different and I just have to be responsible for mine.

Hey just from another angle I had most always thought that I was adopted into my family of origin and when it came time I left their home to start my own without feeling a twinge of shame or guilt or remorse. It is what it is...do it how your HP does it. ((((Hugs)))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learned it is best to "empty" out... taking out the garbage without the intention of wanting others to carry if for us. You did just that through this post....cleaned yourself out and now you are ready to be without the tangled strings, dental floss, rubber bands (stuff in garbage bags) that keep us in bondage. Now, you can be free to be the mom you already are, when you are freed up, a mom that loves and supports when her children reach for her outstretched arms.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I like that concept of Letting go, yes, and "killing off expectations"

If I can't "expect" anything from her then relationship needs to be released for this period, if not on going

I have killed of expectations and I AM happier getting off the rollar coaster.....

I slept ok last night...I just let it go....She knows where I am....She knows about the program

I don't have any "expectations" of her anymore and it is freeing, and I do feel less resentment thatn I did during last year holidays....I have NO expectations from her....

I think I have really gotten off the roller coaster and I feel better.....This is all her choice and I will accept it...and Move on with my life....

Some folks in my life have proven that I can "expect" them to keep their word....their actions will match their words...They are most of the time (as humanly possible) there for me......so yea, I may with caution, be able to "expect" some from them,

but the "killing o f expectations" from another, to NOT expect anything from them, does change the relationship to a more "shallower" level...That is ok....as long as the end result is I am less disappointed and let down and resentful and I AM...

so I guess that is what I did (killing expectations) in a way, w/out really recognizing it....

I just don't expect anything from her any more.......I take everything w/a grain of salt

so yea, I think I have come to the place of doing this.....just didn't recognize what I did, LOL

Thanks, all of you......PROGRESS is happening

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.