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Hi, Nora. My own experience in both my marriage and with my son have led me to the conclusion that simple honesty helps me stay calm and focused on what I need to do for myself. Both my husband and my son have said outrageous things that floored me - devastated me sometimes. Then, one day, I decided that I couldn't control anything they said or did and that I'd have to turn it all over into my HP's hands because I couldn't stop them from saying what I knew (and those close to me) wasn't true. I also couldn't control what folks would think or believe.
I also came to the realization that I didn't owe anybody an explanation about why I was divorcing or separating from my husband. That doesn't mean I didn't say the reasons sometimes, but I seldom said much to anybody about the reasons for it after awhile. Knowing the inside story on my marriage and divorce reasons was enough most of the time for me and it also helped me not to be curious about others' divorce reasons, too.
My husband's family knew there were problems with him before we married. His Dad was hoping marriage would "straighten him out" although I didn't know what he meant at the time. After the divorce, his family didn't try to engage with me or my children even though I assured them the door was open to them. Help from them just wasn't there. My husband died an addict. His family never mentioned it but they knew he had issues even after he died. I went to his memorial service and to his brother's home after the service at his invitation. A video of the family showing my x was running on TV. He had a beer in his hand starting in his early teens. There wasn't one family gathering that didn't include alcohol. No mention at all by anyone in the family about my x's problem with alcohol prior to our marriage. None about the drug use starting and lasting until he died after the marriage or death.
Denial is a major issue in a family affected by alcoholism. I'm not sure it makes any difference whether we mention it or not depending on how long that family secret has been hidden as in-laws or x-laws. The family is apt to believe his side of the story. Doesn't mean his side includes the entire truth. It's just easier for some families to keep the secret they've always kept in my experience.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 24th of July 2013 09:57:51 PM
You have already gotten good al anon advice but I just wanted to tell you that I struggled with that too. Feeling as if they thought that none of this was any big deal while their son, their brother and my husband is losing his job, living on our retirement income, abusing me, and having seizures when he stops drinking. They were finally forced into seeing it when our sons and I pulled away from AH so much that they had to deal with him more often. Keep your head up and conduct yourself with honesty and dignity and the truth will speak for itself and come out. It did here as his illness progressed. The law has finally caught up with my AH so he is going to either get better or go to jail. That's pretty hard for them to deny and even if they blame me, it doesn't keep me awake anymore. I know the truth and the people who matter believe me. Take care of yourself.
-- Edited by wornoutmrsfixit on Wednesday 24th of July 2013 10:27:47 PM
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
I have been struggling with the issue of what to say to friends and family lately. My AH and I have been married for 20 years. It has taken most of that time to understand that he is, and has been for all of that time, a highly functional alcoholic. We separated 6 months ago, with AH still denying that his drinking is a problem. Over the last 6 months, especially living away from him and out from under that umbrella of denial that we both held onto, I've been able to understand how hugely his drinking (and concurrent use of Xanax, sonata and other medications while drinking every day) affected our marriage. He has become someone I often feel like I don't recognize.
I am trying to focus on my own recovery, and my future. It has been helpful over these months to process things that happened, but I am trying to keep my attention on now, and what next. But I'm finding it hard to know what to say to friends and, especially, AH's family. They see him as competent, wonderful, loving. They do not see him as an alcoholic. And, to be honest, I didn't for many years, either. But they don't see the irrational anger, they haven't lived with the crazy and unpredictable outbursts at me or my daughter, the flattened and "not really present" shell of a person lying on the couch every single night. They've never experienced his frequentl forgetfulness, which I now attribute to blackouts. He covers really well, and they see him as a charmingly absent-minded professor. In front of others, AH puts on a great front. He talks a great game, and, I should add, he is a psychology teacher so he can go on in a professorial way about what he knows about addiction, abuse, depression, etc.
He is telling them that things were "great" between us, that I am having a mid-life crisis and despite the several years of marriage counseling we did, he doesn't understand how to make me happy. He tells his family and some of our friends that he'd do anything to get back together, he doesn't know what I want, and he can't believe I'm "doing this to him."
My closest friends and my own family knows what is at the root of things and they understand. The two couples with whom AH and I socialized the most SEE the alcoholism and understand. If a friend asks me directly "what happened," I'll say "I believe H is an alcoholic, and he doesn't and he doesn't intend to stop drinking, and I couldn't live with the way things were any more."
So it's hard to balance between not getting sucked into keeping HIS secret, and honoring my own truth and not feeling ashamed about alcoholism. But there is his privacy, too, and the awkwardness of having people feel like I'm trashing him when what they see is a charming, friendly fun guy.
I've struggled with what, if anything, to say to his family. I called each of his sibilings when we first separated to just say that I knew the situation was weird but that I still cared about them, I hoped they'd support H, and I was glad he had them. Since that, I've not had any contact from any of them. I've felt concern for him, and wished that they understood the problem -- both out of concern for him and maybe they'd be able to help him, and also for my own pain that they are viewing me through H's lens. But, I use my Al-anon tools and realize (over and over) that I can't change what they think and the only thing that matters is what I know, about me and for me
Still, our marriage is my history. And I don't like that what he is telling people (and what I am not) is hurting my relationships with people who have been important to me.
If anyone has any ESH on this subject, I'd really appreciate it because I am really struggling with this right now.
we can't control what others say aout us and I agree ...HONESTY is the only way to "Fly"
as to "important" people??? If they believe the negative about you w/out even getting your side, just how important are they really?????
When I came forward about my childhood in alanon and coda , I found out REAL fast who was in my corner and who was not becuz I was done w/denial...done hiding and keeping secrets...It was ALL coming out in my alanon and coda program and it did
I lost 95% of my bio family over it, b/c they wanted the lie...i wanted honesty so guess what??? I let them go....
The family I have now are folks who adopted me (not legally tho they tried) and loved me and nurtured me and support me in my recovery
the ones who do not support my being honest , open and willing??? they can kiss my A**......I don't need them
Let husb. say what he wants....its not your truth, it is he projecting his stuff onto you
Just work your alanon, do the steps, work with a sponsor and do what program suggests and oh yea, TONS of meetings and soon none of this you will care about b/c you will be so in tune with reality and yourself and loving yourself, none of this will matter
You can't control him and its useless to try and 2nd guess him or try to make things different w/him...Unless he gets himself into AA and works the program, I would just do my thing, work my program and detach in my head
there is a saying "what other people say or think about me is NONE of my business"
PEACE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
When I first left my exAH I had a very hard time not feeling like I had to explain to everyone why I left my A and I lived in a very small town so everyone asked. I eventually learned it was my private life and I had my reasons that nobody else needed to know, they didn't live with him and know my truth nor did I think after time in al-anon that it was any of their business. I told my close friends and people who loved and respected my decisions. It was none of my business what they were thinking about me or my life. My sponsor helped me a lot to get through the first year and so did going to atleast 2 meetings a week. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
"He tells his family and some of our friends that he'd do anything to get back together,...except quit drinking".
Sad Nora...I'm in support of you finding your own recovery. Do your own recovery first before you tackle the situation of what to tell them. There are many many members of Al-Anon here and in the face to face meeting rooms who will share their own experiences with you; both the problem and the solution that you can use. That is the value of the fellowship. You are not alone and have lots of support to get beyond just survival. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I hope you are having much support from this wise community. I don't have too much time this morning to share, however, I wanted to let you know that I faced much of what your are facing when I told my husband to move out. He appeared to be functioning to others on his diet of daily diet of pain meds with beer chasers, so when I told him to leave, our kids and my family thought I was overreacting and probably still do. I did not share many details with them, instead, I talked with those who understood, my al anon peeps and sponsor. Keep coming back and sharing with us.
Thank you all for your understanding and wise sharing. It really does help to hear that others have gone through this. Your comments that I don't need to explain, and that the friends who love me will be there for me or pay me the respect of coming to me are all right. I suppose that this is another piece of understanding the depth of MY recovery process. I guess when I'm worrying about what AH is saying or what someone else is thinking that's a big clue that I am off track and need to get back to worrying about my own stuff. Thank you all so much.
Nora
Norasq:
I also have been married over 20 yrs, and am in the process of divorce. I know that for me there is a kind of back and forth of emotions and feelings about the whole thing. Some days I am second guessing myself and others j couldn't be more certain that I'm doing the right thing. I have also had the experience of many enablers In my AHs life supporting the idea that his problem is not so bad.
I am new to this process but can offer that the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to take care of ourselves and take the focus off of the A. You are most definitely not alone; just keep taking care of you.
In support,
Yanksfan
In my experience, most people do not like to hear criticism of their loved ones.
I did try to speak the truth, but without emotional embellishments.
It also really depended on my relationship with the people I discussed this, and also what their relationship was to him.
Close friends of mine who were really only acquaintances of his, heard more of the details of the story.
His own friends and relatives only heard that I was simply unhappy and could not live with him any longer because I felt uncomfortable with his drinking habits and his cheating. I didn't say "he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me" or "he's a dishonest jerk" or "he's drunk and passes out every night" or things like that.
Just remember, "what you think of me is none of my business" if you ever feel like sharing your reasons. But you also do not have to justify, argue, defend or explain your actions to anyone, either. That's your choice and yours alone.
I just know for myself that I did my best with his own loved ones to check my motives and not say things to them in a way that would seem I'm attempting to gain their sympathy or destroy their own relationship with him. Even if what I had to say wasn't exactly a picture of perfection of him, I did make sure to say it with calm respect.
Anyone goes through this when they separate from a loved one. I think the main thing is to say as little as possible because after all it is private. I used to feel I owed the world an explanation of so much stuff. Now I don't. My personal life is personal to me only. I might share some with certain people but being an open book is not on the cards anymore.
I think I always felt like I had to show how much I tried. Anyone who lives with an alcoholic is trying day in day out. I live around alcoholics and it is very very trying to be around them on any level let alone be intimate with one of them. I wouldn't expect much from people anymore about them understanding what it is like to live with an alcoholic. Most people live in denial.
A lot of alcoholics maintain high functioning for ever. That doesn't mean that they are having a great time they are just really good at pretending.
I wouldn't expect anything else from an alcoholic to say that they want you back but they can't quit drinking. That's one of the reasons why it is so important not to ask them to quit drinking because they absolutely feel they can't. Sometimes the consequences are enough to persuade them to consider it. Most of the time an entrenched alcoholic is not going to believe its possible for them to do it. At the same time I think most alcoholics never expect people to leave them. They might go through the motions of feeling desperate but they really absolutely expect us to come back. After all they need us. Need was a huge reason I stayed with the ex A. He didn't need me I needed him and I made sure I was indispensable.
A separation is just that one step along the way. That doesn't mean it is going to go on for ever. I separated from the now ex A a few times. One time I went to stay in a motel. Another time I arranged to stay with a friend. Nothing affected his drug use. He always felt it was my issue that I left him not anything to do with him.
When I finally left him he was shocked but he didn't believe I was going to stay away then either. I did but I stayed away for me not as an effort to get him to quit.
People have a way of asking all sorts of questions about things that are none of their business. You should feel no need to explain, justify or defend your decision.
