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In summary my dad has been a heavily/ dependant drinker most of his adult life - however he lives in the USA alone and I am in Uk. Last week he was admitted to hospital he had become ill cause he was not taking his heart and blood pressure medication properly however after 2 days in hospital he started to experience alcohol withdrawal symptoms he has gone through hallucinations, paranoia very sleepy and unable to communicate etc the full works. I have 2 young children and so cannot disappear over the the USA indefinitely and so am not sure what to do the for best. Do I go now and help him ( whilst he is in hospital) he is being very difficult etc wont eat resists his mess etc or do I wait until he is through the worse of the withdrawal and get there for when he is about to be discharged and hopefully talk him into coming home with me for a while (I doubt he will but i can at least get him settled in at home etc) or at least trying to get more help quoted there - am just beside myself with worry and not sure what is for the best
Welcome to MIP....here you are not alone. Your father lives here in the US and in the care of a hospital right now. If he so chooses he can get the help he needs with the alcohol detox...many states have detox centers...he just needs to except the help. You coming to the US will do nothing for him right now. He has to want to help himself.
You need to step back and pray to your HP for guideness on what is best for you and your father. We can't make that decicison for you.
I would recommend you read these boards and see what others have done. I would suggest you attend Al-anon and start getting the supoort you need.
You will find we need to Let Go and Let HP take over.
(((( Hugs )))) we are here for you.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hi Mrs. T- I very much agree with what Cathyinaz said to you, the best thing you can do right now for you is to find an Al-anon meeting and get the support YOU need while your father is hospitalized. They are professionals there and will take great care of him. And yes he can be honest with them and tell them he is an alcoholic and get the help that he needs. As scary as this is for you right now, it may also be part of Gods plan for your dad to receive the help he so desperately needs. Sometimes when we get in the way of the natural order of things...they don't quite go as they were planned. In Al-anon meetings as well as here you will get the encouragement that you need to get through all things:) I am very glad that you are reaching out! Please keep us updated on how things are going ~BIG HUGS TO YOU~
Hello. Lots of support for you as you enter into a recovery program if you choose. Helps us learn how to stay focused on ourselves and the best way to care for ourselves as we support the ongoing recovery of our loved ones if they choose it. If they don't, we still get to learn how to keep our focus on ourselves. Some of the best help we can give our loved ones is taking good care of ourselves. Glad you joined us.
I go with Cathy on this one....You cannot help him by coming to hospt. and he has to WANT to get help, otherwise it will be a wasted and expensive trip for you
He can get into AA right here if he wants to....Alcoholics will not get help unless they WANT it, see that they NEED it...Most of them have to get into real trouble or get sick or something to reach out...Its sad...they mostly think they are "ok" but we know they are not
Bringing him home w/you would be a real hard task, and if he does not want help, do you want to put your children through that??? seeing their grandfather go down the tubes , drinking himself into the ground??
I wold get ahold of a social work, at the hosp. and see if they can help him get into rehab/ AA recovery.....
I Know I must sound cold, here, but I know the hell thse people can put you through...My brother wanted to come stay w/me after he got drug to the hospital, seizures and sick as a dog..
I told him "NO" I can't take on that kind of burden...I can't handle it...I have to work, and take care of me.....I told him until hes been in recovery AND sober 5 years, maybe we can talk about a visit...
These people are sick...its a disease, addiction disease.......they have to really really want help in order to arrest it and keep it in remission, and that won't happen unless they are in AA and working with a sponsor,with the 12 steps and the meetings
I suggest you get into alanon and go to meetings and get a sponsor who can direct and guide you on your program, this alcoholism affects the entire family...Nobody gets out of it w/out emotional issues....I know...been there and I am in alanon , for life...
Please take care and Please think about what bringing him home in that shape, no program, would do to the kids....to expose a child to an active alcoholic who hasn't been in a program long enough to be sober and acting healthy is bad for the kids....
take care
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks all for your replies I totally understand that he needs to want the change etc at the moment he is still in the grips of withdrawal (very paraniod today wouldn't belive it was me on the phone) so I know I would be no use at all at the moment - I don't know if he will want to reach out for help when he gets through that part I can only hope and pray - I think he has a case worker at the hospital but they are not allowed to make international calls and whenever I call her I get her voicemail - very frustrating !
What I worry about - and I know I need to let go of this part- is that he has no-one over there his only friends are friends from the bar!!! and I'm worried that he is getting behind with his mortgage etc ( he still pays everything by chq) whilst he is in hospital I know I need to give this up but stressing about this has been as much a part of my life as drinking has been his
I think I really need to go to some meetings have found a couple near by.....
lets' say you were to hop on a plane right now and head over to the US. Once you got to the hospital, what would you do exactly? What would you do to 'help' your dad? make him eat? Make him obey the doctor's orders? Yell at him and hoepfully he'll realize that he loves you and he'll change?
ok.
Then what happens in 2 months when you're back in the UK, have spent all that money and he's back in the hospital?
Right now, all you want to do is 'Save him' and make him realize that he's hurting himself, you and all those around you. The thing is with that is that your dad doesn't need you to save him. He's a grown ass man. It's up to him to save himself. He doesn't need you right now. He needs doctors and treatment.
Your kids need you. You, need you. Sometimes you need to let go an let god. Take care of yourself.
I think you should do what your heart tells you to do.
A decision that won't give you any regrets.
I just lost my X husband yesterday, from many years of drinking, he was only 58. I was able to go to the hospital
a couple of times, and I was able to hold his hand the one time he was alert, because after that he went into a coma. I am
so grateful for that moment.
We never know what life is going to bring. Follow your heart, nobody can tell you what you must do. Treasure's of the heart take presidence over all things.
Is there a social worker at this hospital you can work with. Of course it is very difficult to relate to someone in withdrawal.
In recovery sometimes we have to go one minute at a time, one moment at a time.
Your father has many options. One of them is to go to a program after his hospital stay. He has the option of going into recovery. There are many people in recovery that can help him.
Watching someone hit bottom is a very painful issue. Currently there is someone in my life who is hitting her own bottom. I can see so many other people rushing in to cushion it for her. In some ways we have to learn to be comfortable watching people suffer in order to know where our limits are.
I am really clear on where my limits are these days. Before al anon I was not. I had none. I was the one who put myself last.
I think the crucial point is that for so many of us our instinct is to feel we have to rush in and help. When in fact sometimes we have to wait and see.
Your father is alive and being taken care of right now. He is in transition. Why not wait through that transition for him.
One key point I have learned in setting limits is to wait for people to ask me. I always offered in the past. Now I have to catch myself offering. Do I really want to give this. What are my expectations if I give this.
This forum is a great place to share and brainstorm. Of course nothing here is a mandate. No one here is going to punish you if you do something that they don't agree with. In fact all of use have done things for an alcoholic/addict most people wouldn't agree with. But this is a place where you can hear experience strength and hope.
Certainly I know of many people here who have been in similar situations. They have experience of what they did, what they learned and what they felt. Sharing our feelings is so key. I was and can be on overwhelm a lot around an alcoholic. When I am on overwhelm it is a sign I need to set limits. What are they? I can brainstorm them. Sometimes I have to take time out for me.
Whatever you decide to do for your father it is from love and caring. We all have limits, geographical, money and more. I would highly recommend a book called Getting them Sober. Toby Rice Drew the author has some excellent suggestions on dealing with someone new to sobriety.
He is a grown up and really there isn't anything you can do (re: Limits talked about by Maresie) and what can you do if you did go to USA??? You can't force him, you can't "save" him, only he can do that, as Slogan Jim said
Yea, I know its hard to see someone you love in this kind of situation, but really....I would wait until he has ASKED for help and begins a AA program here....The hospitals are quite abundant w/case workers, social workers, et al who can better deal with this
you need you...Your kids need you.....how much sense would it make to bring someone in this bad shape and let your kids experience the horrors of alcohol and its aftermath....
Bettina mentioned "having regrets" and I support that as well, however I am thinking about the regrets you would have if you exposed your children to this nightmare called alcoholism and the damage and emotional upheaval alcoholism brings....., I might suggest differently if he was in ACTIVE program in AA for a substantial time and you just wanted the family to be together, but you dont even know if he wants help....
Everyone here had really great points...the end decision is yours.....to me??? if this were me??? I would get myself into alanon , work my program, get a sponsor, work the steps, get into meetings and take care of ME....If I don't take care of me, I am USELESS to the loved ones that I can help.....
You can't "save" anyone but yourself when it comes right down to it......He is an adult, free to make his own choices and sadly if he wants to drink himself into the ground, sadly we have to let them...There is nothng else we can do but work our programs and keep our sanity.....
I suggest you read some of these other posts scattered through this board so you can absorb what recovery can do for you...really its a miracle like this website says.."Miracles in progress" alanon and other 12 steps recovery programs like Coda, and Acoa, and AA , of course, and the NA for drug abusers, these programs are really miraculous...
It sounds "cold" to suggest to someone to "detach" and let him learn the hard way, but if there is any hope of his asking for help, humbling himself to say "i am a drunk...I need help...I need recovery" You gotta let him go and learn his lessons the hard way....Its sad but that is fact...We cannot change it....some folks can learn by watching the disasters of others....there are others who need harder knocks to "get the hint" that they are in serious trouble and they need help
As long as we "soften the blows" for them, they wont' think things are "so bad" and they will keep on drinking.....let them go?? let them suffer the consequences??? MAYBE they will ask for help.....
PLEASE, I urge you to work your program...YOU need YOU....your children need you......I would "wait this out" and see what he wants to do......
Good luck and really, I am sorry to see your pain, here, but we all have been through this one way or the other and we keep our sanity by working our program....Just browse around the posts here and read the other stories of folks who are handling this problem nicely ...The common denometer in all of them is working THEIR program and letting go the drunk to his maker and to his lessons...
Peace be with you
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Sorry "t" for your current crises with this life threataning, fatal disease called alcoholism. Your Dad is in a bad way and has friends that he doesn't know of yet. Please ask the detox center in the conus to contact the AA central office in their area to see if they will send out some recovering fellows that will do a "12th step call" (12th step...."Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and practic these principles in all our affairs". In support. The other suggestions are gold also and were the ones that got me sane and saved my life in Al-Anon. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
This is a very difficult spot to be in, you have to make a decision you can live with about coming out now or later. Sometimes when I can quiet my mind I can hand things over to my HP and feel the answers come to me about what is right for me. Al-anon meetings and here at MIP have helped me sift through some of my crisis times also. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Go to him or stay away? A decision only you can make. Knowing what I know now, I may still want to be there but I would realize that I can't turn his life around or drag his chaos into my home. I can support him but ultimately, he has to be willing to receive treatment and it can be frustrating when they don't do what is best for them. You have to be willing and able to walk away until he is ready. Hard I know. Read everything you can about al anon and alcoholism either way. So much to learn.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Thank your replies have all been so helpful and all mirror the many conversations that are going on in my mind. The reality is that money is a bit tight at the moment it's my youngest child's birthday next week and I am due to go into hospital myself in 10 days time ( straightforward procedure, nothing serious but have been waiting 9 months to get the go ahead.)
So my plan is as follows phone and phone and phone the hospital until I manage to get hold of his case worker to establish what they can offer him in terms of rehab, support etc once he is through the withdrawal (assuming that he wants it) and able to have a conversation about it, also I might try reaching out to a local aa group in the area and see if someone would visit as suggested, am not sure the hospital would do this for me as he is in a heart ward at the moment not a detox centre.
In the meantime I'll try to get my finances in order just in case there is a genuine emergency or reason for me to go out there other Than to just try and "save him"
You're welcome. Thanks for the update. Nice to see the change in you since you first posted. Glad the options presented were of personal value to you and you know what you want to do now.
You sound better..That is a good thing....There are options, and when we can get quiet, contemplate on others suggestions, we usually have some options that we can work
I am glad you are doing better and that we had a part in that
This is the beauty of alanon and 12 steps programs...Nobody is really alone if they don't want to be..I used to just spew anger and not really reach out for help , now I do....Its made a big difference in my life
Take care
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Just an update for anyone who might be interested. I have been reading lots of the al anon stuff here and on other websites and think I really starting to ge some clarity ( next meeting near me is next week so am going to do my best to get along to that)
I am starting to be able take a step back about what has happened rather than to go with my first instinct of rush in and try to fix everything.....Whilst I am worried for my dad HE put himself in this position, HE decided to stop taking his medication which resulted in him being hospitalised, HE continues to be in denial about his drinking which has led to him going through the DTs whilst in hospital. I am quite mad with him on that ( still working on that bit folks .......) as I have lost 3 very close family members in the last 6 month 1 via a tragic road accident and 2 through ill health. My dad was aware of this and how it had upset the whole family and yet chose not to take the medication that is supposed to keep him alive.
As you know I was also panicking about his finances, are his bills getting paid etc - well he comes here on vacation for 3 weeks at a time and the world doesn't fall apart so am done worrying about that.
Spoke to his case worker plan is that when he no longer needs to be in hospital for medical reasons he will be transferred to a skilled nursing therapy centre to get him strong enough to be able to look after himself when he gets home ( all covered by his insurance) I did ask about alchohol rehab options etc but she said my dad would have to ask for that help which is understandable .
As for dad they are reducing the sedation medication and stopped the withdrawal meds yesterday- spoke with him today he is still very distrusting of the medical staff and explanations they are giving him for why he feels as ill and weak as he does - am not sure if this is some ongoing paranoia as part of the withdrawal or denial that his drinking was so bad that his body would react this way - I suspect a bit of both.
am still getting finances in order etc but if I go over it will be because I chose to - not rescue him and not to fix him
Isn't it good to know you're not alone in this? Most of us have been there in one way or another. Lots of continued support as you do what you can for yourself and your family. Congratulations on the new baby coming. Will the press be there or is that just for the Royal Family? All kidding aside - I'm really glad you've been able to reach his caseworker and to relax, too. I am a rescuer myself. Red light on the top of my head will always be the first inclination I have when I think or hear that a loved one is in crisis. Alanon (and other supports) have helped me realize that and stop to think through the next step to take with my HP and the appropriate persons before I act much more often than I did when I first started recovery. Its so good to let go of thinking that I'm the designated crisis interventionist and not acting no matter how bright that red light might be shining or flashing in my head. Checking my motivations also helps me to act efficiently rather than reacting emotionally and doing something rash.
