The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I made a big mistake, because I didn't take enough time to sit and think. Yes I am meditating now, as a new discipline to keep my practice of serenity going, and it works, for me.
But yes, I also still have an alcoholic in my life, who is kind of managing his own recovery, his way...which is none of my concern, how he chooses to do it.
He moved out from family and moved in with me, which took a lot of stress and tension out of the daily life, which gave him the opportunity to start knowing himself better. I allowed that, so I guess I was already enabling a bit. But we wished for that move in together anyway some day. And things are going more or less well, considering the change that is actually taking place.
Yesterday was my birthday, and I was out of town due to work. In a town where I have some girlfriends. So I planned a night stay with the girls, just to enjoy the moment. Getting to know this he got jealous, for not being the centre of attention. He threw a tantrum like a spoiled child, cried, begged, talked of suicide, got into real panic attack over the phone. The real reason behind that was that he had hoped to get me back into town, because he had bought a birthday cake for me and wanted to vreate a night for me. But I didn't know that, and I hadn't had any plan to come back that day, because of work. We were supposed to be together today again. so I thought that could wait. The real reason of his tantrum was, that he wasn't the centre of attention for 1 day, that he was supposed to spend his evening alone, which he isn't able to do, like the spoiled child who cannot play alone. So he bargained, he wanted to come here, join me...not because of me,not because of my Birthday, but because he wanted once more to let it be all about him. Then i said, ok you can come then... i changed the plan for the girls, canceled the night stay, and organized a dinner in my place instead. with the girls and him. He was supposed to take the bus to join us, which in last minute he also wasn't able to to, he said he was too weak, due to his panic attack..... so i went there to pick him up...all in all 3 hours drive....he came here, he spent the evening with us, but wasn't happy of course, got bored, and told me 'there are only girls'....daaaaa.....
I didn't know if i should laugh or scream in anger.....spoiled child. completely...
so now i know i did a mistake, i should have let him drown in his own misery, but that would have made me feel even more guilty, I wanted to celebrate my birthday with the girls, he already ruined the one last year due to detox....i didn't want to sit alone this year. I am calm, i also know i don't want to live in this constant agony, one day all is well, the other day, disaster is there, and if it's not, it will be created, because he wants it so. If I would have let him sit on his own yesterday, he would have gone back to drinking, i am 100 % sure of that...just yesterday i didn't want to let this happen. so it will probably today, because he went back into his self-centerdness, not caring about me and my feelings and needs..just for today maybe.
I am thankful, i know who i am and what I want ...it's just difficult to balance that with the crazy making and drama that is needed for alcoholism to survive.I don't know where we go from here...time will show, as always, and change doesn't happen over night. One day at the time and keeping my side of the street clean, is all i can do.
but yes, Enabling is a huge mistake i am bound to do as a recovering co-dependent. Also I feel many times a lot of compassion. It's not bad, of course, but I have to watch my acts on a longer perspective. Spoiling a child is also a form of abuse, it doesn't help him in the long run. And he needs to grow up, and I probably have to stay away in order for him to do that. I'm positive.
. I know there is also good to him but for your sanity...detach detach detach...if he drinks he drinks..if he tantrums...oh well. Do what you want and let him have his own problems. It is not uncaring or unloving to say "Sorry you feel that way but it's not my problem."
I 100% agree with this....they will act out, use anything they can to gain control, manipulate and as long as you detach detach like Pinkchip says, SOME day, one can hope, he will see that "this is not working"....its not that you don't care, its just a healthy boundary, within, to change you and take care of you......I have done this a lot, lately...."sorry u feel that way but it is not my business or problem"
On facebook last night we are on this discussion board, private, about current events...I gave my take on something and most agreed w/me but there was this one guy, whom I smelled control issue in?? maybe just controlling, maybe a substance prob??? NOT my business...well he went "after me" with these posts, demanding I "show him the link to prove my take" or "prove to me that what u say is what it is" on and on and I told him "you want the link to research this??? google it and find your own links , like I did"...
he went on about my not wanting to answer (to me a personal ???)and he was pissed....wha whaing like a baby b/c I did not want to answer this ??? and I just told him "sorry you R upset, but its not my business" and finally the admin jumped in and said "Hey 'xxxx'...behave yourself," and he kinda shut up....I kept detaching from this guy, over and over, and finally when I shut it down w/a "sorry u feel that way, but not my business" and I just basically shut the discussion down...I was gonna refuse to go "back and forth" with him anymore....DETACHMENT......NOT taking on their feelings has been so freeing to me......if I owe amend?? no worries, U got it...but If I don't??? I don't fall on my sword anymore just to keep the peace.....let them cry and get pissed....NOT my business.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 26th of July 2013 10:00:05 AM
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi. Happy Birthday!!!!! One of the things I've chosen to do is think outside the box about my birthday. I tend to celebrate it for the entire month of it in one way or another. Can you re-schedule a birthday night out with your friends? Make an amend to yourself? And let him do what he's going to do while you enjoy a night out with your friends? If that feels a little too hokey to you - a night out planned with your friends just to celebrate your friendships and your womanhood together might be a fun thing to do, too. No reason to wait a whole year to do it.
As far as your trying to help him stay sober - well, the good news is that you have an awareness now of how you slipped. And you now have an awareness of how to go another way when faced with the same temptation. That's a birthday present in itself!
Happy Birthday Tortuga! I just had my birthday on Sunday and I was also caught in some "enabling" throughout the week, this time not so much overtly, but in my own mind. I ended codependent relationship with my ex AB two years ago. When I met him 3 years prior, he claimed he was sober. The last two years of the relationship was hell as he was slipping more and more back into active use, accompanied with all of the dishonesty and emotional abuse that came along with it. I can so relate to your post and the emotional antics of your boyfriend, as mine has done similar things, and I have responded similarly. Despite the 2 years we have been physically apart, emotionally I have held onto some fantasy of him getting sober and us resuming our relationship. This has been while actively working my program in Alanon. He has had some few things of mine and from time to time has used this to lash out emotionally, as your B has done. This year it has been strategically a few days before xmas and my b'day. A few days before xmas I received increasingly frantic texts throughout the day threatening to "leave the stuff in the carport" the next day. I bought in hook, line and sinker and got into an emotionally laden phone conversation with him, where I tried to address his feelings at the sake of my own self respect. The same thing happened this week, a few days before my b'day when I got another email telling me he would like to return my stuff. I responded differently this time and told him to go ahead and do it, without any further discussion on my part (no engaging in trying to appease him, etc.) He did and although I did not have any interaction with him when he did it, as I was not home, I found myself reacting emotionally as I have done in the past. Even so, I knew this time I needed to do things differently, and not get back on that emotional merry go round, where he throws the bait and I come running, only to get blown to the curb when the addiction takes over down the road. In the past I have somehow always blamed myself for him behaving in these ways (as he has always blamed me as well). I did feel bad that he did not recognize my b'day but had to recognize that this was about my own need and something he is not capable of doing. I have tried to turn to my higher power and let go of this relationship once and for all. I guess I am going into all of this because of the similarities in our stories and my desire to share esh with you. I did not act in a way I could have using the tools of Alanon in December because I was not ready, but this week I did. I agree with g2be - you know have awareness to act in different ways the next time. I hope you can celebrate you this year! Happy bday and thank you for being here... your story has helped me see myself and feel less alone!
Tortuga, you have described being so hurt by this guy in the past and that he really is like a giant baby. I know there is also good to him but for your sanity...detach detach detach...if he drinks he drinks..if he tantrums...oh well. Do what you want and let him have his own problems. It is not uncaring or unloving to say "Sorry you feel that way but it's not my problem." It will take practice because it goes against your nature. Plus he will rail against that and say you are being selfish when really its him being selfish because he needs you so badly and wants to control you and keep you hostage in the relationship like busted alcoholics typically do. Remember: trying to control all your freedoms, where you go, and who you see is also domestic violence as it is mental and emotional abuse. Take care of yourself first.
I am very very familiar with an alcoholics need to be the center of attention. I am also familiar with what fantastic manipulators they are and how very aggressively they pursue their needs above everyone elses.
I am also so so familiar with how they can guilt others. If you don't do this I will. You caused me pain. They are great at making their entire life the center of attention. If they don't get to be the center then there is hell to pay.
I am also aware of how easy it is to go to if only, I shoulda, coulda woulda around an alcoholic. There are limits for all of us. Alcoholics shift responsibilities very easily onto everyone else. I had to learn over and over not to pick up that particular tab.
I know how loaded birthdays, the holidays and certain days were always for me. I really believed the ex A ruined so many holidays but the truth is I let him. I held onto this expectation that he would be "there" for me on a birthday. Actually he never was. Pretty much any alcoholic I ever met was never there for me on a birthday. I had so much resentment over that for a long long time.
I think we are all continuously learning about alcoholics. We can hold ourselves responsible for their sobriety. I also think the whole issue of enabling is a really difficult path to follow. That shifts the balance of recovery onto someone else. Certainly it is important to look clearly at our boundaries but when it comes down to it everyone's sobriety is up to them and them alone. No one can make someone drink.
Please stop beating yourself up. I am sorry your birthday wasn't great. Getting to being loving to ourselves on a birthday regardless of the drama outside of us is a pretty difficult thing to achieve.
Thank you for putting it again in perspective.
I am thankful that i learned awareness in the last year, so I was able to understand pretty quickly what was the reality, i didn't let myslef get soaked in the madness. He is suffering, it's a fact. I am my own self, keeping my side clean, and I'm happy for that. standing strong.
may you all be happy and own beautiful Self.
as always, it's good sharing with you.
