The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Deacon: Asking an alcoholic who isn't in recovery not to drink is like asking a cat not to mew. You are right where you need to be emotionally to start your plan of recovery if you're not already in Al-Anon. You don't have to leave them right now. But you can begin where you are learning and practicing the steps, slogans and the support of persons in the fellowship. Truth is - you do have a problem with alcohol and with good reason. It's a fatal disease without treatment. You aren't going to be able to force them, guilt them, sweet talk them or ultimatum them into treatment in earnest. The consequences of the disease will hopefully help to do that for you. But, you can take your pain, your anger, your frustration, your depression to a meeting in your area and begin the recovery you need from the ways this disease has affected you. It's a mean, nasty disease and it hurts everyone in its path. There is hope. That hope is in Al-Anon.
If you are already in Al-Anon, calls to program members, posting on this board, on-line meetings here, too, and Conference Approved Literature will be a big help to your self-esteem and your well-being.
Others might not agree with me, but I no longer think its my job to keep my family together. Every member in my family has a part to play in our relationship and are accountable for their share only. You are not the glue. You are a human being who loves her husband and who loves her son, but is being eaten alive by a disease that is more powerful than you if you allow it. Al-Anon will help you reclaim your life and it will help you do what you can do to take good care of you.
I empathize with you. I've been there. I'm still there in some ways with my son. And Al-Anon has helped me in ways nothing else could have in understanding how this disease works and what role I had to step out of to get off the merry-go-round. (((Deacon))) You're going to make it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of July 2013 10:02:51 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of July 2013 10:03:19 PM
Picked up son from his counseling session today and could smell the alcohol. Said nothing because I don't know what to say.
Came home and it was apparent that hubby had once again been drinking in the garage while I spent the whole day in the city in blazing hot weather taking our son to his class.
Son immediately goes up to his room with his big bag so I know that he has once again brought liquor into our house.
Hubby spent the dinner session trying very hard not to slur his words- he failed by the way.,
I sat there feeling frustrated and sick to my stomach. This is the only thing I have ever asked of hubby- not to drink.
We have been through hell with our son after his breakdown. We have housed him, paid for everything, got him into counseling, taken him to appointments, cried with him in the middle of the night when he could not sleep. We have spent a whole lot of money on his treatments.
And this is the thanks we get.
I am just so frustrated, so depressed and I am thinking it is time to leave both of them. They both will lie- son already has when I told him that I was not stupid- and deny drinking and they are both so good at it. And I am just tired to death about being told that I am over reacting, that I have a 'problem' with alcohol.
I'm just so tired of trying to keep this family together.
I URGE you with all my alanon heart to work your program, let them GO to suffer the consequences of their using and drinking
But what about you??? Are you going to meets??? working the steps??? have a sponsor??? Because those are the only things that is gonna help you...You have to help you b/c noone else is...
Asking a drinker to not drink when not in active AA work is like asking for the sky to drop Silver dollars on your head....It aint gonna happen......
I tried...threats...begging...crying...threatening to leave.... NOTHING worked.....so I ended up leaving
Alanon doesn't say go...it doesnt say to stay.........that is your decision, but alanon implores you to get to work on your program, let them go, detach from them.....If they get violent, I woudl call the cops and have them removed....Otherwise, I would leave them to fall and believe me they will fall if drinking ..It will get worse and worse and hopefully they will be driven into getting help, but that is not under your power
the only thing you can help is you.....this program will lead you to a healtheir life.....to live with TWO drinkers , I can't imagine....but I wish I had known about this program when I was married....I would have avoided a lot of pain that I suffered
its up to you....I urge you to get into meetings....work the steps, preferably with a sponsor, and work the slogans, post here on the boards, I would throw my self into the program and just disconnect from those two....U can't win fighting them...U can't win by snubbing or begging or pleading........it isn't going to happen
Please let alanon help you get free if not physically , at least in your head and emotions and your heart.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Deacon if you have any of the literature...the dailies go into the index and look up the pages on expectations. Expectations that the disease will not be the disease, look like it, sound like it, smell like it, feel like it...be like it is the insanity we speak about in Al-Anon...the doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. You're doing alot of the work...alot of weight carrying and need to learn how to lay it down and not pick it up again...the letting go and letting God and the detachments and the It's not my business stuff. I know that sounds like greek and goes against the habits you are using now how ever the one most important focus that will be helpful is "self" focus. Yes you're angry as hell and most usually anger is the absence of acceptance of things the way they actually are. We're in support and you need to be with us in supporting Deacon. She needs peace of mind and serenity and a face to face meeting group to be into. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
Ah Deacon, I can so relate.
Back in the 90's I had the double stuff going on, its not bad enough to have one A, but I also had my 25 Year old daughter who
had been in a locked down mental facility for 3 months, due to reasons I won;t go into right now. I thought I would go out of my mind. I didnt know who was worse the Alcoholic husband or the pyschotic daughter. I wasnt so much as angry as drowning. It felt like hell on earth.
I thought I was locked up in the mental facility. Soon, my daughter got better and went on her way, but there were still many years of recovery.
I stuck close to Alanon and my higher power and I knew I had to detach.
The most important thing I can tell you is to really get the detaching down and that can only come if you remove yourself and get yourself to an alanon meeting and with people who have walked the walk. Having a place to turn each time you get overwhelmed and like Jerry said , getting rid of that burden your carrying around. Its not your's to carry.....
In all situations, pray for the best outcome, let go and let God. Watch what happens.
What sane person would not have a problem with alcohol in your circumstances? I understand it's a family illness (with some genetic liabilities) and your situation is not uncommon because of that. I would head to alanon pronto. You have multiple qualifiers. Take care of you before your tank hits empty.
I most definitely had the issue of wanting an alcoholic to stop being an alcoholic. I can still struggle with that in a heart beat. I can also struggle with the "why" and resent someone lying to me in a second.
These days I absolutely expect an alcoholic to be an alcoholic. Unless they want recovery and for some of them it takes a lot to get there they are going to lie because of course they lie to each other daily.
I put many a relationship on the chopping block over ultimatums. If you do this, I will. I had to really learn to mean what I said. If I said that I meant it there had to be a consequence.
I have long said I do not want alcoholics in my life anymore. There are still people in there who are most definitely alcoholic and I have to look at why is that. There are many many reasons why and I can understand lots of them. The difference is that I no longer put my emotional life out there as a place where an alcoholic can cause that much turmoil. When I have limits with an alcoholic they are real limits. I didn't get there overnight.
I also have real limits with myself of course. There are maxims in recovery like HALT. That is don't be too hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Pretty much my whole life I lived at the maxim of HALT. I was always emotionally hungry, angry lonely and tired. What did I know of limits.
When I get to a limit these days I understand it is a stop sign. I had no stop signs before. I lived in that stew of resentment, grief and agony that so many of us come here with.
No one here would expect you to be anything but disappointed, sad and lonely with your current situation. No one would expect anything but you being exasperated.
Learning to detach from that kind of pain and agony is a tall task. Its like lifting a 300 lb weight before you have even stretched up. Neverthless one has to start somewhere and detachment is a great great tool to learn when you are right up against the wall.
Boundaries and limits are so so key in dealing with certain people. I no longer allow people to snow me in different ways. That means often I do not get what I want. I know it also means that I am not suffused in resentment, and really difficult bitterness.
Coming to this board and these rooms has been so key for me in learning how to work through my feelings. There is a possibility of recovery even when everyone around us is sucked into a addiction that destroys them.
