As some of you know, my son was arrested and put in jail again.  He was released in a blinding storm some time on Saturday morning.  While I was at work, he called and left a message that he was in the hospital and gave a list of symptoms.  He told me he'd call again.  On Sunday morning, at 7 am, the phone rang.  I didn't pick up.  I was fairly certain he hadn't been admitted and that he'd also lost the room that had been his for whatever reason he had gotten in trouble.  On Sunday evening, he called from a pay phone and didn't leave a message.  I must have been outside when the call came in my backyard.  If I'm honest, I probably wouldn't have answered again - fairly certain that whatever he wanted, I wasn't going to be able to help.  I've been sick for awhile now and just didn't have the energy to deal with it.  I also know that he is tethered (or was) and that requires him to be staying somewhere with a phone and he also has hours he has to be in wherever he's tethered.  I also know that if I answer - if I look at the past patterns - there will be a lot of begging, crying, conning and manipulation that I simply can't put myself through anymore. 

The hours he was calling me were outside of the supervisory hours.  Another reason I didn't answer when I could.  If he isn't doing what the parole office wants - and has abscounded - I don't want police at my house looking for him.  He knows that I asked him to get help for his alcoholism/drug addiction through AA/NA when he left prison.  He also knows that I could not allow myself to go through anymore of the pattern of this disease.  When I called his room a few weeks ago and heard him slurring his words, I didn't call him again.  I meant what I said.   

Today, nothing.  I do have to admit that I did call his room tonight to see if he might still have the room.  Another man answered.  So - at this point - I don't know where he is and am struggling to keep my head and heart in line with God's will.  Doubts assault me - I should have gotten the call - and the rest of what goes through a mother's head. 

This is the part of this pattern that ties me up in knots.  I continue to turn him over into his HPs hands and yet I am also still his Mom and I'm human.  Again, I wait in the darkness of not knowing and in faith in the goodness of my HP and his, but that faith does not mean I can do this waiting alone in total calm and peace.  I knew this part of his pattern was coming.  I've tried to live one day at a time.  But, this is the hardest times of this disease pattern for me to cope with on my own.   Thanks for listening.

Update:   I was not able to get in touch with my sponsor, but did get ahold of a program person.  The next right step for me is to surrender my son again into HP's hands and to let HP know that I will be okay if its time to bring him home.  I wasn't sure if I could pray that prayer and was honest about that.  HP gave me what I needed to surrender fully my son/HP's gift to me - into HP's hands if it is time to take him home.  Once again - thank you for listening.