3 full days single and I am not feeling like I thought I would at all - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

3 full days single and I am not feeling like I thought I would at all

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Your nick has become appropriate..."Breaking free" what a statement. I'm nodding up and down with grateful and remembering my own early lessons about appropriate "first" relationships...HP, then me then others. This was a major lesson for me which came with a mindset regarding relationships with others..."I love you.... I like having you here.... and I don't need you." That was recovery higher education for me and when I sat and thought it over it was very appropriate. My wife has just returned from a 3 week stay on the continent. This isn't the first time for me that I have been by myself in my own life and this time with reflection I entertained some "what ifs" the consequences of which was total loss or much longer separation and the lesson came back again very strongly because it is the truth. "I love you.... I like having you here.... and I don't need you". I'm already a complete person and I have a higher power bigger than anyone else I could ask to hang out with.

Great post...I'll stop talking and listen now. ((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 22nd of July 2013 06:02:38 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It takes maturity and a sense of self-worth for some of us to stand alone for awhile as we work to accomplish our own goals and reach new growth points. Others may see this differently, but as a person who has been single happily for a very, long time - I think the standing alone for awhile also helps us choose someone who can do the same when its time. I learned I was happier without a relationship than I was with one. That can change for any of us at any time. And, I applaud your choice to find out who you are and what you want in life without a partner for awhile. You might find out things about yourself that surprise you in a lot of positive ways. Congratulations on your program work and your continued growth as a woman with much giftedness to share.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

It's a weird adjustment going from being in a committed relationship to single.

I feel like it's getting easier for me to handle now. After I ended my recent relationship, I had little moments of panic "Oh, no! I'm ALONE!!!" And then I'd realize I've been living alone for a long, long time and have thus far been okay. I have to remember that my HP gifted me with a great network of friends and family, all of whom can and will step up and help me if I but ask.

And number one, I have to remember I have my HP. I started stuffing my last relationship into that God-shaped hole in my soul and it was not working.

I find being single again another opportunity to learn more about appreciating myself and my own company and focusing more on taking care of me from what I eat, to exercising, meditating, and working the steps.

Glad to hear you're feeling all right. :)

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Breakingfree wrote:
I talked to my sponsor about this and she said she would like to see me stay single for awhile and focus on all that is before me, like taking care of me, my 2 kids I have 3/4 time, school, and work which seems like more than enough doesn't it. I have never stayed single for any major amount of time and am actually looking forward to the challenge before me and thinking I will get a lot of great growth from this experience.

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 22nd of July 2013 04:54:49 PM

I agree with sponsor....Sometimes it is just best to back off, be with me...work on me...take care of me....re-do the steps and leg work on recovery....I, too, used to be in relationhips all the time...I was never single....I woudl go from divorce to dating in a hart beat......this last breakup, i went single for a while, dated again, sporadically, havent' found anyone who "is it for me" so I am gonna just work on me...work on program....do my schooling and no guys....

It is an adjustment, but it settles in.......I think you are doing the right thing......you just broke up w/a guy....I would just settle in with me......

Good advice from sponsor

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You sound strong and confident....feels good, huh?

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the red flag stuff is pretty hard to see personally. I mean I lived with an alcoholic/addict for 7 years. That made me pretty blind to most stuff.

These days I don't try to date but I had to have a long long period single to get to being comfortable with me rather than looking for someone.

I was a very very dependent person in a relationship. I felt I really needed them. My idea of commitment was to die for someone. What was yours?

I had no boundary of that's enough.

So I think personally you are making progress in being able to look realistically at the red flags rather than be swamped by them.

I am sitting right now in the library and behind me there is a couple I know arguing. I was once that girl (although I didn't have a child with anyone). My whole life revolved around someone rather than my needs. Their needs trumped my needs all the time.

I argued with the ex A day and night for 7 years. These days I don't argue with people. I set limits.

Progress comes slowly but surely. Some of it happens quickly and some of it happens really slowly. The main thing is progress. Sometimes for me relating to others is where I grow and sometimes relating to myself is where I grow. Both roads lead to growth.

I am no longer the person who I was when I lived with the ex A. I grew out of that. I cant blame myself for being that.

Sharing our journey is so key.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.