The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Baby steps...we don't all learn it in the first day or at the first meeting. As you said "overwhelmed". I was told that "you didn't get to this place of chaos overnight and you will not get out of it overnight either". Take your time...Do the best you can with what you have and get more as time passes; like a sponsor. Sponsors are gold...listen, learn, reach out and ask without expectations. HP can pick awesome sponsors for those in need and I am the experience of that.
One thing I learned was that I was not to "teach" my alcoholic/addict about "my/the" program. Since she didn't get it when she was drunk or using she had the experience and habit or not getting it. My life really didn't revolve around her getting it. I also learned about "assuming", I assume, you assume and they assume...the opposite of assuming is clear communications; asking questions clears up doubt and if and when someone assumes that "I should just know" I smile and say "well I didn't, lets go on with what we were doing". Sometimes I just say "Oh well"!!. Keep it simple. You're not crazy...not even close. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
just a p.s....when it comes to your program remember the principle of anonymity...who, what, when. Speak just for you.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 20th of July 2013 12:33:12 PM
I am overwhelmed, in a good way, with everything I have learned in the past couple of weeks from reading everyone's posts, going to meetings, and chatting with others in recovery.Since ABF and I have been together over a year, he is starting to witness some of my "crazy," for a lack of a better term.I always do well hiding things in the beginning but as my comfort level increases, I begin to let my guard down.ABF knows my history and is involved with my family so is aware of what I grew up in and how it has affected me (to some extent).He is VERY supportive of me going to my meetings and making new friends to help me work my program.We even had a conversation about the likelihood that our relationship is going to change because I am going to be learning new tools and strategies that help ME, which may not be so wonderful for him, LOL.
Anyway, since we're both working a similar program, my question is...how open am I supposed to be with him about things when it comes to MY recovery?For example, last night when we were talking about our lack of communication and his assumptions that I would be joining him for the evening, even though I didn't get an invitation, I wasn't sure if I should mention my Alanon tools or just do what I learned.I don't have a sponsor yet or I would divert this question to her.
I struggle with wanting to be honest about what I'm doing. I don't want to appear that I am being deceptive or keeping things from my husband yet he doesn't need to know everything either. Trying to figure out where that line is in terms of this.
You can be as open as you want to be. There are no musts in al-anon.
Now, my recommendation is that you just work the program and don't proclaim 'I am working my program now ! I learned this in al-anon!!' every time you do something that involves looking out for yourself. Remember, alcoholics are master manipulator's. He could very well turn it on you with 'THAT's what they're telling you lol' or something.
My point is you don't owe him an explanation of anything.
I used to feel that I needed to share everything....some was from my wanting to ease his anxiety about what I was doing and some stemmed from my need to vomit my new knowledge and skills thinking I could help him. This feels weird to me even typing this...this is when I get to see how far I have come...I was a nut case (some may still say so, but who cares?)
If he's been in recovery a while he should know to be patient. Both of you being in recovery will probably bring you closer and if nt, then it may not have been meant to be. Just be sure to utilize others. He can't act as your sponsor and vice versa.
