Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The shoe dropped ..
Post Info TOPIC: The shoe dropped ..
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
The shoe dropped ..
Permalink  

Last night the kids went with their dad for their visitation weekend .. they are home now if that gives anyone any idea how it all went. 

My daughter called crying that her dad was drinking and acting odd.  He's in the background wanting to know if I want to talk to him and I hear her turn and say .. no dad, mom doesn't want to talk to you.  I didn't even have to say it.  She's very protective and knows it's not healthy for him or for me. 

We already had a plan in place.  I actually had suspicion he had been drinking when he had them way back when .. until she actually saw and she was the one who confronted the situation.  I hate that for her .. first the denials, then the immediate acceptance he had been caught, then the belligerent attitude.  As soon as he realized she meant business and yes was calling me, he broke completely down .. wanting to talk to me and she was insistent .. NO .. you don't need to talk to mom, .. you DO need to get help.  You know where to go, we have to leave now.  I had already spoken to my youngest and told him that he needed to listen to sissy and trust that what was happening was not without a very good cause.  He was disappointed however went willingly. 

The kids followed the plan and I had already called the police .. I really was unsure of his mental state.  Based upon what my girl said I did tell them the kids have been through enough .. please do follow up with him, I'm concerned for his mental health as he's been drinking. 

So needless to say .. have seen it coming again I could tell based upon his behavior something was going to happen .. he's text my daughter he wants to talk to me and I've told her .. it's ok not to respond as that's not an appropriate text for him to send her.   I'm unsure right now how to deal with that information .. I will report it to the police so there is documentation.  I'm just not sure as I already know they will want to know if I want to have him arrested .. I don't know .. I really don't know, .. am I causing a crisis .. or is this a natural consequence of his actions. 

What am I doing?  I went to an open AA meeting today .. that started my day off right.  I do have some personal things I need to take care of so the kids will be stuck at home .. that's not ok .. it's ok.  We made some quick plans for a fun day .. not sure where it will take us .. I think we need a little break.  I wish there was a good movie out as we'd go escape into fantasy for a bit. 

I'm also waiting on a very exciting call .. I'm phone interviewing for a job and I feel like the God of my understanding has opened more than one door at the moment and I'm going to walk through it.  If the interview goes well I will be flying out next week for a face to face interview.  I'm soooo excited.  I think the biggest thing I can see in my own healing is that even though this other garbage is going on .. I'm still feeling really positive and had already started feeling positive last week.  I forget with him that things really haven't changed .. and yes they really have changed for me.  I'm no longer needing to be in his stuff .. it's his stuff.  Now I sit going my will or God's will?

First thing my son says last night .. mom, .. we are going to church tomorrow right?  Yup boy .. we are soooo going to church .. I think we all need to be close to the God of our understanding and he nodded in agreement. 

The other thing is I'm feeling really good about the changes I have made in some very close relationships .. it was time for a break to say the least .. I need to stay close to my program, sponsor and just focus on the next right thing for the kids and myself.   Other people's fears are just that .. other people's fears .. we will be ok. 

Hugs P :) 

 



__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
neshema2


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3281
Date:
Permalink  

WOW....Sad for the kids, but what a powerful post you just gave us...

One thing for sure....Keeping the focus on me and taking care of me and the kids was priority #1...the AH's in my life were on their own, even b4 recovery, I just said "to hell w/them and its me taking care of me"

Of course I had become codependent, bitter, disillusioned, NOT the positive outlook that you display

This program has turned me around...I get "down" at times, the grind of trying to make it, but I get on my program, get w/my recovery mates, talk w/my co-sponsor, work the steps, get into a meet, do what I gotta do to take care of me...

1 of my girls is in alanon and coda , mostly alanon like me and she enjoys it....she is flourishing....younger one is not in program

Again, I am powerless over another...I can only take care of and change me..

Take care...Sorry that the kids had to see this...



__________________

Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
ilovedogs


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1582
Date:
Permalink  

So sorry, friend. I think you saw this coming and you had your children prepared and that is the best you can do. You and your kids know what's best for the family. Keep working that program and doing what you need to do for you. Your kids truly are a huge blessing, it's just sad that they have to suffer through all of this too. Sending you lots of hugs today!

__________________
Struggling to find me......
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

wow good for your kids!!! good for you also. Did the police show up? Hey I believe in allowing them to answer for what they do, we have to!

Plus he knows you mean what you say. Those kids are precious, if one got hurt and needed help he sure would be useless. Also it is good your daughter stepped in, but she is too young to be a parent of a grown up! uno what i mean. i am soooo glad she has you!

Hey those kiddo's just love to be with you. I loved just doing dishes with my Mother.

there are so many simple things to do. I took mine out in the sticks found a parking lot and drove in circles and stuff. lol fish hatcheries were fun to visit too. fed ducks, went looking for pretty rocks for the pond we put in....this time goes so fast when they are little! HUGE sigh here. My life has come to raising a couple piglet kids and chicks...

hugs! Debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

Quick follow up, ... the police last night did show up and he didn't answer the door. That concerned me until my daughter said that trying to keep them at his place he said stay and I'll just go to bed. It's still concerning. So I called the sheriff and a lovely lady deputy came out. She is one of the few women on the force. Again the magic question ... what do I want to do? Translated do I let them arrest him or not .. I have thought about that since last night he crossed third party communication lines. I hate this for the kids. I also do not understand what he's not understanding about no contact. I'm not interested in being his friend or a better way put I'm not interested in being his friend while the disease rules. Sooo .. I decided to make the call .. I decided yes press charges. The deputy's exact words were those kids do not need to go over there .. period. See what you can do about getting the OP extended to the kids. I was able to gather information and she really was very nice. She was shocked on the fact I was doing things on my own OP wise. I'm ok .. it's going to be what it's going to be. She was very helpful and has called me to let me know she hasn't made it there yet. I haven't heard anything else at this point. It sucks .. I really took a step back and said do I mean what I said? I don't think it gets much clearer than an OP. Hugs p

__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

 

Pushka...guilt and shame?  You're doing your part after saying you will do your part...you would not do this had he not done his part to get it done. I don't see it as a reaction and as a response...well thought out and intended.   Had you not done it would have been a good example of renabling in process.  Some day he might just be one to thank you.  Mean what you say...say what you mean...don't say it mean...follow thru.  good job...oh and I hope you get the good job also...take your 'puter so you can stay in touch.    (((((hugs))))) smile



__________________
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

Jer, .. I don't know .. I have been trying to figure out if it's guilt or shame because I have a hard time defining those particular emotions in me. I know guilt and shame I mean I started being able to say .. ok .. I feel guilty and then .. ok .. I feel shame .. right now and while I had this going on .. it was fear .. am I doing the next right thing .. am I doing my will or God's will. Trust me I could have just put my major source of income at the moment in jail and there will be no check. So I asked the God of my understanding to please open necessary doors that we continue to have a roof over our heads with or without that source of income.

I checked the jail and he's been arrested at this point and bail won't be posted until Monday. I'm not going to lie and say there is not a part of me that keeps hoping this is his bottom. I'm not talking in terms of ohhh won't it be wonderful we will get back together .. I'm talking in terms of maybe he will get help. There are a lot of people praying right now for his bottom, I will accept the outcome of whatever that means.

Yes I will take my computer .. lol. I have to! Can't leave without that!! Next week I will be starting a plan to pack as we are going to have to move at some point .. I just didn't want to move across town to move across the state .. I can't afford to do that at all.







__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

 

Pushka...just from this angle I'd say give fear the harder look as often times it is the taproot emotion to the others...at lease it was mine.  I did an emotional 4th step and fear came up my greatest emotional character defect and it was suppose to be for many reasons one being held up next to the definition of alcoholism being cunning, powerful and baffling who the hell was I to excape fear and anxiety and terror and the other fear realted emotions that naturally evolved from it.    I AM AFRAID!! DAMMIT...I AM SCARED TO DEATH OF THIS AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO ABOUT OR WITH IT!!  H E L P  M E!!  "What do you mean let go and let God...are you people out of your minds"?!!  "Why are so sooo relaxed and why are you all smiling"?!!  "If I keep and OPEN MIND I will find help"..."I don't need an open mind DAMMIT I need a...Oh hell I need a miracle that is what I need and I don't know what one is...I just don't have any answeres.  Of course I am POWERLESS didn't I just say that!!?  "No my life isn't unmanageable...well maybe just a little".   "Okay...I come back again to the next meeting and yeah let me get some of that literature stuff".  No I'll do that God thing later on...hmmmmm

That sister was just a little little bit from my story.  You don't have to know what is the right thing all of the time...for me often the right thing was wait...be patient...let HP hand it back with suggestions.

In support and you've done good and are growing.  ((((hugs)))) smile



__________________
likemyheart


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1277
Date:
Permalink  

Hello Dear, and here's my thinking, for whatever it is worth - Second guessing is one of my worst enemies. What if I had ....... what would have happened if I'd only..... ; What if I HADN'T done this or that. When I second guess myself I wind up so confused and it is an unnecessary confusion game of badminton between my emotions and my sense of right and wrong and my people pleasing personality and I can blame myself in every corner of my being because no matter what I did someone will suggest I could have/should have/might have done it a different way and their suggestions (accusations) are nothing that I'm not battering myself with. We do what we do based on decisions made because of the situation we are in and we can live with it with no apologies because we did the best we could with what we had.

Remember the show "I Dream of Jeannie"? I remember episodes where Jeannie could look into a machine and see how things would end if she did this or that - we don't get that machine. We do the best we can with what we have at the time and hope its good enough.

One set of fingers crossed for you - good luck!

__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Breakingfree


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3972
Date:
Permalink  

You are doing the best you can and working your program keep it up! Your kids are doing wonderfully too! Sending you every bit of love, support and prayers I have!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

LOL .. no call for the job interview .. a little bummed however .. it's just not time yet and that's ok. I'm anxious and God's timing is not MINE .. darn it!

I did check today and see what the deal was .. would like to know if he gets out of jail as I have no idea what his mental state is right now .. I'm a little wary to say the least.

His court is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon .. that's a long time to spend in a cell for him. I am not going to lie as I'm curious what he's thinking and feeling. I can't get my arms around what I'm thinking or feeling at the moment. It's scary to wonder what will happen with his job .. if he has one after tomorrow. (powerlessness .. ugh)

The fear stuff I have to look at big time .. I think about all of the times I watched adults make decisions I had no say in and I dealt with the consequences of them. What am concerned about is the kids .. I'm fine .. everything is good mom. Now they aren't saying that I'm thinking about when I was a kid and I said that kind of thing and really I thought that was what I should say.

I am very glad I have chosen to handle things differently with the relationships I have as I'm on the phone with my mom and she's crying about my life .. LOL!! Now I laugh because if I cried about my life you would think I committed a crime, why are you crying? She once again blamed me that he's in jail .. I was like UMMM .. ookkk .. we have to stop talking now. So it will be my fault if something happens to his job. Again .. I know that's crazy talk .. that's the would have, should have, could have committee at it's finest and that IS where I get into trouble.

The choices have been made and even though I'm scared it's not the end of the world either. I think this will force some things to end at this point and that's a good thing. Meaning .. I hope like hell the atty's all of a sudden go umm .. this just got serious .. we need to do whatever it takes to end all of this now. I'm being very cautious about what I'm sharing with my atty at this point and I will send a short (VERY SHORT) email to her Thursday explaining there will be no more visitation and why. I'm expecting she will be calling going ummm .. WTH!?

My plan for court in Aug is that I will be asking for the kids to be covered in the OP (just short term) and the Judge extend mine for 2 years .. I think that will be ok .. IF things take a turn for the positive I can end the OP at any time. At this point .. all I have to do is follow through .. I don't think the Judge will disagree with what needs to happen.

We'll see .. knock on wood I will be doing this all on my own and I'm waiting for that SOB atty of his to say something extremely stupid about my eldest JUST like he did last summer this is a total repeat of last summer and she was mistaken and didn't understand .. REALLY?! She was 13 years old at the time and has grown up with an active alcoholic .. yes .. let me tell you what she misunderstood then and now. Grrr .. it irritates me thinking about it .. I will be having lawyer for lunch that day if he goes the stupid direction and he will fully regret doing so.

Anyway, .. LOL .. it's not court yet .. and I have time to prepare .. I do the footwork .. God will show up and show off I have no doubt. I have 4 more days of full time work so I'm going to focus on that and just try and relax as much as possible at home.

Hugs P :)


__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

Hi, Pushka: I don't know if this is true for you, but it is true for me. Whenever I try a new behavior, I feel uncertain of the outcome which means I'm not in control. Feeling out of control is extremely uncomfortable for me. Whenever that happens, I have learned that both the 3rd and 11th steps help me trust that whatever happen is my HP's will for me and that will is always good. It also helps me to remember that new situations brought about by new actions will also be tended to by my HP and if I wasn't ready for the outcome, I wouldn't be taking the action.

As far as the children go, you care about them. That's the best thing a Mom can do every day. And no Mom can protect her child from unpleasant happenings, hurt, disappointment all the time. What they can do is what you are doing with your HP's guidance and care. And not one of us parent without a lot of mistakes mixed in with the care either. Darn it.



__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The shoe dropped ..