I knew this day would come. My alcoholic (Cowboy) started drinking again. He had been sober for 3 1/2 years, but no program. Said he could do it on his own, only the weak needed AA. I never argued with him, or tried to convince him otherwise, because I knew it would do no good. I knew that without a program he was doomed to fail, and when he cut even his church connection (which is how I personally think he stayed sober that long) I knew it wouldn't be long. It still came as a shock, however this morning.

"I broke my drinking thing," he said.

I responded, "Oh?" and tried to sound as uninterested as possible.

"Tim (one of his drinking buddies from before) asked me to have a drink with him the last day of the rodeo," my Cowboy replied.

"Really," I responded as my heart fell.

"I couldn't let him down, we had worked so hard."

"Yeah," I quietly said.

"And I got tired of not being able to sleep," he said. "Two to three hours of sleep a night is not enough."

"No it's not," I agreed.

"So last night I bought a six pack." he said.

I did not respond.

"And the first one went down so easy." he surprisely said.

I was not surprised, but did not respond.

"Then I drank another, and was able to sleep all night!" he surprisedly said.

"You drank the whole six pack?" I couldn't help myself anymore, I had to ask.

"No." he firmly said. "I drank four."

I'm thinking, yeah that's all it took... this time.  But I said nothing.

"I went to sleep at 10 p.m. and passed out. (a term he hasn't used in about 3 1/2 years) I probably wouldn't have even woke up this morning if you hadn't called me." he said.

I wanted to cry, to scream, to shake some sense into him, but I did nothing. I knew it wouldn't do any good. So I stayed silent. 

"Has he forgot?" I said to myself. "Has he forgot how his throat closed off and he couldn't swallow 3 1/2 years ago?" (Esophageal Varices) 

"Has he forgot that he just said to me a few weeks ago how during his 'drinking days' he couldn't remember anything (blackouts) and the auctioneers were taking advantage of him?" (He buys, sells and trades horses and other items for a living.)

"Has he forgotten how his friend, Perry (an old drinking buddy) died of liver failure when he started drinking again?" I continued to ask myself.

"No," I answered. "He knows."

He seemed so happy this morning as we went out to feed the animals, I couldnt' help to be somewhat happy too. Hadn't I just said about a month ago that I missed the "old Cowboy?" The one that laughed and cut up and was fun? I'm eating those words now.

I know what the future holds (not projecting just fact). The disease will progress rapidly and he will either seek AA or die. I can't help but be sad, because I love him. We have known each other for 9 years, married 3 of those years, divorced 4 years ago next month because of the drinking. Two and a half years ago we got back together, as he had quit. Now I know I'm going to have some decisions to make, but I'm going to take it One Day at a Time and practice what I preach! LOL.

I SO don't want to go down this road. Alcoholism, it's cunning, baffling and powerful!  I hate this disease! 

How many times have I heard the saying in open AA meetings: "We alcoholics either get locked up, covered up, or sobered up!" I know this to be true. I have been in this program for 20+ years why should it be different for him? I think a part of me wanted to believe that maybe he was the exception, maybe HE could actually beat this thing without AA, but I know that without a recovery program, that is not possible. I've seen it to many times. Sheer will power alone can not do it. The alcoholic needs the support of his fellows, or he will fail. 

Just this morning (before he told me he had started drinking again), I made this comment, "You know, I have the strangest thoughts at the most inopportune times." 

"What do you mean?" he said.

"Well, here we are having intimate time, and I'm thinking, 'Will I be allowed to come to Cowboy's funeral?' (His family does not like me.)" I stated.

Cowboy responded by laughing out loud rather sarcastically. "Yeah, that is weird." He said.

Now I know the "rest of the story", as Paul Harvey would say. 

Well... now it's time for ME to plan my work and work my plan. Meetings as often as I need them, thank God for this site! Get back to f2f meetings pronto! Continue to do things for me, and set my boundaries. Pray. Pay attention to my needs, get them met. Do a daily inventory. Make my al-anon phone calls. Draw in my support. Remember my slogans: Easy Does It, ODAAT, Live and Let Live, Think, How Important is it?, Together we can make it.

Remember my al-anon program: The 12 Steps & Traditions, Serenity Prayer, Just for Today, Detach with Love, and when I can't, just Detach. Face reality, allow myself to Grieve, remember this is a disease, the 3 C's, Boundaries, the three A's, ask for help when I need it, watch my expectations for they become resentments. Seek guidance from the God of my Understanding. Remember Cowboy has a Higher Power too and it's not me. Do the footwork.

Ok, I'm done giving myself a pep talk... it's your turn! LOL I need reassurance that "I" am going to be ok.

 

Thanks for reading my post.

Overcome

 

The disappointment,the feelings are heartbreaking but we all know it will pass and we move forward. I just know what your feeling right now.

We pray, work to keep ourselves sane and Let Go Let God

Love and support coming your way (((( hugs ))))

There used to be a member here (I haven't seen him in maybe a decade) who ended his entries with I'm going to be OK or You're going to be OK. Now I say that to you. You have identified HOW to be OK - I might make your items into a list to read when I lose my way.
Your acceptance is evident. You are OK.

thanks everyone, and Debilyn, we live separate, but see each other 2-3 times a week and talk daily. He too has animals, an acreage to care for, but it is his responsibity. Ever since the divorce I have had very set boundaries with him, because he is not (as I said) in a program, and I was afraid this day would come. But I am going to be ok... I know that now. My program kicked in and I took care of myself today. Went to two meetings, took a walk with my dog, made peaches for mom and I (my mom has Alzheimer's) and took my mom, daughter and myself to our church's ice cream social this evening. It was a good day after all!

I am sorry; a very sad post...an yet you did what you knew to do to care for yourself and loved ones.  Great recovery work, your HP was in charge in your life today.