Tired - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Tired

souljoy · Veteran Member

It has been about a year and a half since hubby started drinking again.

I have been able to stay this long due to one thing: My involvement in Alanon and recovery. Still I wonder what it will take to wake me up and say no more.

Back in October he got an "online girlfriend". He has since decided she is his best friend. She lives 1000 miles away. Not ever going to get together as she is married w children and likes her lifestyle. He does the phone sex w her and says it makes him horny for me. (UGH)

He drinks everyday from 6 AM til whenever unless he is working. Not sure how long that will last.

He recently started popping open his beer while I am driving, which I have set a firm boundary that I will not let him get in the car with me when he does that. Sometimes he does listen and sometimes we will be out of town and as we are driving down the interstate he will pop one open then. No respect for me at all. I have half a mind to stop wherever we are at and leave him. I don't care if we are 30 miles from home at this point.

Last week was the first time I felt as though I could not stay without getting emotionally abused and verbally bashed a lot. It has put me on edge and I find myself worrying ab out the thing I cannot change.

I get lectured on how I have no credibility because I am not an A. I get told I am fat and I should lose weight rather than focus on him. Last week for several days in a row, he told me I was a fat b^%(& who needed to leave him alone because what I do is not helping. He is also telling me my mental illness is out of whack and while he admits his behavior may be the cause of it I should stay on my side of the street. ten minutes later he asks if I wanted to go to the beach with him...I said no I don't go anywhere with people who call me names. At the time we were near the beach but I just said no and came home.

All of this happened because of his missing work three days and the boss (we have the same boss) telling me he needed to get a dr excuse or she would replace him. In his head, I am the culprit. I told him I don't accept responsibility for that and he needed to make it right. He goes to his doctor and says he is mentally ill. Sobers up enough to keep her hoodwinked. I want to tell her but not sure if I should. I have suggested he be honest with her. That suggestion falls on deaf ears.

I sometimes get up in the morning and say good morning and that is all it takes to send him railing.

You get the idea. I am going to meetings, talking with recovery friends, reading and doing things to take care of me during all this. Right now I am anxious and I feel on edge. Normally I can get through this okay but the last week or so has been stressful.

Thanks for listening.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Soul

I don't give advice..Its not my business or my right as I respect all of us here and what we do or not do...

I urge you to keep working your program, if you have a sponsor, I would be on the phone talking w/her/him and I would be working the steps...

He is committing adultery against you via the on line......I would NOT "deal" when it comes to abuse or adultery...That would be a deal breaker for me

So its on line "cheating" now, when does it become physical and face to face cheating????

I would get into the steps and find out why I allow a man, any man or human for that matter to treat me that way......

I hope this doesn't sound like a lecture, I am trying to keep the focus on my ES&H but I am really worried about his behaviour and the likelihood that he is gonna get worse, and what it will impact on you

But we are here to support you

Alanon does not ever say "dump him or keep him" that is up to the individual, but I would be really, with my sponsor, working the steps to find out WHY I feel "this is all I get" in life...There "aint any better for me" I Know...I felt that way....AH's never cheated on me THAT I KNOW OF, but #1 was verbally abusive to me....I took it and took it and took it b/c I had not enough self resepct to say "bollix on this " and LEAVE....not until sometime later....Then when I left, I went back 1 time b/c he begged....of course the abuse began again an I finally left for good

I can't even imagine how you feel when your man tells you "phone sexing" with another woman makes him "horney for you" OMG.....I really , honestly, now with recovery, FIRST I PRAY that if there IS another man in my life coming for a long term relationship , that he is not a drinker or user or abuser AND he never does that to me b/c with recovery under my belt, I would be GONE at the FIRST bad red flag..

I have dated this past few years, and some relationships I am still friends with , I just didn't want to marry them, a couple of others, I mis-judged...saw they had alcohol probs and I LEFT it......I told them nicely that I wasn't wanting to get into anything serious and I needed time for me......I knew it was useless to explain to a suspected A and the focus in on me...my wants...my needs

last year I dated a real nice looking guy....it didn't last long b/c when he drank even 2 drinks b4 dinner, I could see him trying to control me...he would later go home and email me these weird emails, "correcting me" about something I said at dinner re: horses which are my passion or some other thing I just happen to know about and you could TELL by his writing he was "loaded" I wrote him back and said "thank you for your share" and blocked his email...I didn't take his calls....blocked him from facebook I was DONE

I do hope U get into your program and meetings, steps, sponsor work or work hopefully with a trusted recovery mate....literature....the WORKS....

My other hope is that working this program can cause you to, like it did me, to love yourself enough to realize the truth.....you deserve a HELL of a lot better than what he is offering....

I am refraining from talking to much about him b/c this is your recovery place, and your fellowship and I care about YOU...and I hate to see ANY human being treated with the blatant disrespect and out and out dishonor that I see on this post

What would you tell your daughter if she said "mom, he drinks, sexes it up with a gal on line, so he can get horney for me.. calls me a fat B**** "???? what would you tell your girl??????

PLEASE keep working on you....You are SOO loved by your maker and WE care , too.....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I allowed a lot of some of that while married (except for the girlfriend part). Then, 1 day, I was done. Just done. I had to admit that I had lost respect for him. I had to admit that I didn't trust him. I had to admit that I didn't want him to come near me. I had to admit that although I loved him, I wanted more than what was happening. He had mental health problems, too. Didn't matter to me. I needed to respect the man I lived with. I needed to trust him. I needed to want to be intimate with him. And I needed to be with somebody who was sober and kind and interesting. The man I married was being swallowed up by something bigger than either of us. And I saw - hard as it was - that I couldn't stay married to him anymore. He wasn't holding up his end of our contract. I didn't want to be his mother, nurse, psychiatrist, or whipping post. That wasn't what I Had agreed to before God and those present on our wedding day.

It took awhile to get there, but I did. I didn't want to get there. But, I did. I quit focusing on what he said, did and didn't do. And focused on what I was thinking, saying and doing. And - I made the changes that weren't ideal, but were better than my living with a man I didn't respect, trust or want to be intimate with anymore. I stopped taking his inventory and started taking my own - which actually was much more scary than taking his - but, it helped me. I was afraid to admit these truths, because I knew the costs involved. I was afraid to say I didn't want to be married to him anymore. I was afraid of raising two kids on my own. I was afraid of how others would feel or react. I was afraid of the effect on the kids. But, most of all, I was afraid of the unknown. Things got to the point, however, when the unknown was worth the risk to me and also the costs.

I'm not saying my experience will help you, but I am saying that when we're done, we're done. You'll know when you're done. Until then, keep on working your program and doing other things that help you feel nurtured, safe and pretty inside. Just changing my hairstyle or painting my nails helped me feel better.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 20th of July 2013 09:01:27 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 20th of July 2013 09:50:43 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

These responses are worth reading over and over again. When you listen to someone whittling away at your self worth day after day, it is so hard to hear anything else...soon their voices become yours. For now, listen to voices from people in recovery that will validate your self worth until those voices become yours. You are worthwhile because you are here on this earth living and breathing...that is enough. Bless you, tired.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I was totally over involved with the ex A for a long long time. My whole day was about what he did, when he drank and used and did really disrespectful things to me.

Of course living in that kind of environment where you feel disrespected, uncared for and worried is a big burden on you.

Getting to the point of whatever decision you make is not easy. None of us walk away from a relationship easily. Most of us want to do anything to make it better.

For me when people pointed out I needed to leave I got pretty mad. There was a ton of stuff I needed to do before I could even conceive of leaving.

First of all there are skills you can learn that involve not taking an alcoholic personally. I know many an alcoholic who is so adept at pointing out my shortcomings. These days when someone calls me a bitch. I think nothing of it. Being a bitch means I have boundaries. Being a bitch in the past meant that people didn't like me and I needed to be liked. But the person who needed to like me the most was actually me. As someone who likes myself if someone calls me a bitch it washes right off me. I know that any alcoholic and other dysfunctional person doesn't particularly care for someone with boundaries. Have a boundary around an alcoholic they are not going to be happy that you have recovery.

I also felt that other peoples behavior reflected on me all the time. I had huge issues with the now ex A about driving in the car, where we went, how much we argued and what and how every aspect of our life was led. Then I started to learn al anon tools I learned when and how to engage. When the ex A and now other people try to bait me most of the time I don't respond. Is that easy to do, nope. Does it take practice, yes. At the same time it is possible. For example when the A says you need to lose weight you can actually say something like you may be right rather than show him how much that remark hurts you. That may take the wind out of his sails. I also wouldn't be party to someone describing their sex life to you with someone else. You may be intrigued and wonder but it seems to me that many an alcoholic is really adept at playing people off against each other. The ex A always seemed to put everyone else first ahead of me. That wash his family, his friends, his bosses, whoever it was they took precedence over me. Eventually that didn't seem such a trigger for me but for most of the time it was. I had to learn to start taking care of my own needs rather than hoping and praying he would.

I also agonized about every mess the ex A got into and for years I cleaned them up. I paid bills, I fixed tickets. I called bosses. I agonized over his health. He was the central obsession in my life. I had to become detached from his messes. In fact I had to learn to stop stepping in. When I didn't rush in and pay the bill it was a big moment in recovery. He had the phone cut off for a while which meant I did not get to use the internet. I didn't say anything and he did find the money for the bill. I acted like I didn't mind when I really did.

For some of us we have to act as if. We have to act as if we don't care when that is all we care about in order to learn to set limits. I had to learn to listen to my own feelings rather than worry about his feelings. Was any of that easy I can't say it was but I had to start changing because he certainly didn't.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.