Writing a letter telling people how their "deeds" have harmed - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Writing a letter telling people how their "deeds" have harmed

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It doesn't sound like al-anon to my, I have been taught to take my own inventory and try to heal the harms I have done without focusing on others wrongs. So unsure. Sending you love and support!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 19th of July 2013 09:47:11 PM

lgnutah · Senior Member

I hope it is OK to do a cut/paste from another thread (I didn't want to go off on a tangent in their thread so am starting another thread). I was reading in the thread where someone was talking about having to write a victim impact statement, and someone posted this:

"I wold give them a letter....addressing how their DEEDS affected me and harmed me"

Is this idea a typical part of AlAnon?

Just wondering because my sister has started attending AlAnon (because of her son's addicitions) and she wrote me a letter telling me how I had hurt her. However the things she accused me of were either really trivial (in my mind--she said I turned off a fan when she left the house for a few hours when she wanted it left on, and that I saved some half n half for my brother but not her) or the third thing was something I felt I was required to do (my mother made some requests on her deathbed that I was compelled to follow through with---it involved what items my sister could not have that belonged to my mother).

So, I am competely at a loss.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

lgnutah wrote:
I hope it is OK to do a cut/paste from another thread (I didn't want to go off on a tangent in their thread so am starting another thread). I was reading in the thread where someone was talking about having to write a victim impact statement, and someone posted this:

"I wold give them a letter....addressing how their DEEDS affected me and harmed me"
Is this idea a typical part of AlAnon?

Hi..very interesting topic

To me yes...however stuff that is not harmful OMG If I wrote a victims impact letter listing ALL of my older sister's abusive deeds to me, I would never quit writing

so I would sit and think First I don't address their character...but only their actions/deeds/behaviours (which ever word feels right as they are all the same IMO)

The reason why I would only focus on deeds/actions/behaviours is the impact statement is not a character assassination, it is not working their character inventory , it is addressing their actions...their deeds or behaviours, (like I said these words all mean the same to me)

what they DID...Not what they ARE is another way of putting it

that way I stay in safe territory and I give them a chance to not feel so defensive and attacked b/c I am not saying , for instance to my sister. You are an abusive, wicked B****......No...that is confrontational and sets me up for another fight w/her

SO, I say , instead, "your beating me with the belt buckle of your father's belt fractured my rib" OR, Your calling me names has really hurt my sense of self esteem

u see what I mean??? this is my take on it...in Alanon it is crosstalk to work another person's inventory, thier character, their person

but to address a bad deed/action/behaviour that harmed me and caused me pain, YES, I have the right to address it and say , "what you said............made me feel................."

or "that time you kicked my pet, I had to pay ............for his/her vet care"

Of course we hope to keep it reasonable....like leaving the cap off the toothpaste is not a real harm doer.....or turning off a fan, unless someone is doing a project that really would get messed up if the fan were off

we always seek to be reasonable and yet take good care of ourselves......people are people and people are imperfect...we all do things that are not so desirable to others.....I clutter up my house with dog toys on the floors....my EX was not crazy about this "not putting the dog's toys in the toy box" but it wasn't worth it so he just let it slide.....he left the cap off the toothpaste.....I just put the cap back on and said nothing..........life is too full of real challenges to worry about the nickle and dime stuff

JUST my opinion...take what u like and leave the rest

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it's step 9 made a list of all persons WE had harmed and made amends except when to do so would cause harm to other people (I include myself in this statement).

It's ok to tell someone how their actions have harmed you .. however .. in my mind that's a sticky gray area .. I don't think it's alanon (imho) per say ... it is ok for me to state something one time in terms of a situation then I have to choose to let it go. Once I revisit that situation over and over again then I'm nagging and controlling. It's about emotions .. not people, places or things .. if that makes any sense. I'm powerless over other people, places and things.

As a human being I do have the right to say .. this hurt me. I also can't expect the other person I'm saying that to will respond the way I think they should. It sounds like this is more of a situation regarding individual boundaries. For me when it comes to dealing with the STBAX .. one of my boundaries before the OP was .. I choose not to respond to crazy texts. I did tell him in a text .. please stop contacting me unless it's about the kids. When he made a very conscious decision to continue and upping the contact as well as harassment .. I got an OP and that has stopped it for the most part .. he's still trying to control situations .. at least I have peace. I don't have any more crazy texts. To me that's a pretty strong clear boundary to set with someone, and it's an extreme in this case. When I think about saying I feel scared when the drinking involves violence or whatever based upon a safe mediated environment is very different than you left the cap off the toothpaste. I don't wish to minimize your sisters feelings or pain as it sounds like she's in .. it doesn't sound like she's effectively communicating what's going on.

Honestly what you are talking about sounds a lot more like control issues on your sisters part and that's the part she's going to have to work on in her own program of recovery, while you work on yours in terms of not taking what she says personally .. kwim? That's just what it sounds like based upon what you have shared.

Hugs P :)

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
The letter was one written in rehab from a mother to her addicted son about the ways his disease had hurt her. I've never heard this suggested in Al-Anon. The emphasis, to me is on the 4th, 5th, 8th and 9th step in Al-Anon when dealing with attitudes and actions that were ours.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 19th of July 2013 07:03:48 PM

I hope I did not mislead, TO ME..making amends ala ALANON is cleaning up MY side of the street....in alanon amends I address MY side..MY mistakes...MY wrong doings as I take responsibility and face my mistakes..its about honesty, making amends, in the hopes of either repairing the relationship if possible or at the very least, letting the other know that I am AWARE of my actions and how they hurt another.

However , this mother writing an impact letter, YES., she is confronting her son about HIS actions that did harm to her I guess in the hopes , by the therapist, to make him see what his substance abuse has caused...

I know this goes on, in meetings w/victims vs the perpetrator, dunno if it happened in an alanon environment, HOWEVER, in therapy sessions, yes, this is real common.....

When I set a boundary and have to relate it to another person, I ALWAYS address their actions.....NEVER their character....to me that is inviting disaster ..so in the course of setting a boundary, YES I address their actions and what I will do to protect myself from further harm...so yea, boundary making would call for me to address one's actions that are hurting me and what I will do if the unwanted behaviour continues

I hope this made sense...

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience in Al-Anon, I've never been encouraged to take someone's inventory. It keeps me sick and from looking at my own part in things.

However, we're also encouraged to speak up for ourselves. That doesn't necessarily mean take another person's inventory, but it does mean saying stuff like "I felt really hurt when you told me you'd be home soon and didn't arrive until the next day."

The thing I've always had emphasized to me is that I can tell someone how their actions have impacted me in a negative way, but I need to let go the outcome. Just because I said something doesn't obligate the other person to change or apologize or whatever. Basically release all expectations because they'll lead to resentments.

What was being discussed in another thread was an exercise being utilized in a rehab center. Rehab does not equate a twelve-step program... for either the addict or their family. It's like the difference between someone seeing a private counselor and going to Al-Anon meetings.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha wrote:

The thing I've always had emphasized to me is that I can tell someone how their actions have impacted me in a negative way, but I need to let go the outcome. Just because I said something doesn't obligate the other person to change or apologize or whatever. Basically release all expectations because they'll lead to resentments.

I like this "letting go the outcome" b/c I can't control the other...Boundaries, I learned are internal, yes, I can tell them Like my A brother whom I love and am gr8 friends with......i told him one time "R, i love you but when you call me drunk, I feel triggered and it reminds me too much of the past..and if you call me again, drunk, I will exit the conversation and catch you later" My brother agreed with me, I was lucky that he agreed with my boundary....That boundary was by me...for me...to take care of me.....i wasn't looking to change him, but to change ME...by getting off the phone, refusing to talk with him when hes drunk........and yea, I release expectations of the other b/c it does set me up for resentment......my sponsor told me "unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments"......when i set that boundary with my bro. I didn't call him a drunk...An "A" ...i just said I got triggered when he called me drunk and "this is what I am gonna do if it happens again"....(hanging up).........so far no drunken phone calls....but again...do I "expect" him to keep it up??? NO!! I expect him to forget and call me when hes drunk and i expect me to get off the phone as fast as I can.....

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

In AA and Alanon, we do amends.

It is that program on TV. "Intervention" where they do those letters stating how the addict has affected their
lives. Nothing to do with Alanon..

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.