Hey all

My beloved younger sis is my bestest friend...yea, I love the two older ones big time, but me and "D" are soul mates

She has even done research on anxiety and ptsd to help me and kinda acts as fill in sponsor for me when my sponsor is unavailable

well, she is (adopted) but still  native american like me and she goes to schools and pow wows and teaches the young ones our way of life...actually she is native in spirit and I am the blood native american, but she puts me to shame when it comes to keeping our stories alive

anyway she and "K" my BIL  cut a new cd and they have most of the cd on line on their web site and its long and the newest stories they just put up would take me a lot of time to go through , like  a week, LOL

I told her I loved her and was soo proud of her work,  but heres the deal.....

I messed up big time leaving or going AWOL on my recovery...this big trial in AZ, a murder trial, I saw just how coda I was getting  by being all bent out of shape at the victim being slammed (big trigger for me) and I got soo obsessed w/that case, I literally did not have a life, but work...and racing home to watch that trial...I dissed my school as well as my MOST important thing....Recovery

I told "D" all about this and I told her that my behaviour and emotional state over that thing really showed me how I was going down the ole rabbit hole and I needed to get BACK TO WORK on my recovery...meetings.....posting on alanon, etc., sponsor, steps,  BACK to the grindstone

AND I am in school, online to be better at my accounting

So I told her  "D  I screwd up...I went awol on my recovery and I am paying the price...also I let my school go and you know how obsessed I was over that trial....yea, like I had any control over justice and all that...so let me get back on my program regimen...I need to work it hard for the first month or so, then I can get regular and more balanced, also I must set time aside for study in my school.....Your stories are so very important to me and I WILL get to them and give my take on them, can ya cut me some slack and let me get "level" on my recovery, let me catch up on 2 workbooks I am behind on in school, and I will listen to the stories....."

After hearing the above amend, she was wonderful about it....She told me that she was getting worried about me with that awful trial and too much facebooking,  letting people on my board post these horrible animal abuse pictures so we could petition for it to stop, on and on, the list goes, and I let all this crap get to me BIG time....the trial....the facebook posts from people who wold post these AWFUL animal and even child abuse stuff on mine and others boards....NO WONDER I was getting messed up...Well I have removed a lot of "friends" whom I had asked to "take it easy on me re: the awful animal and child abuse stuff, it traumatizes me to see any live creature be it human or animal suffer and I cannot do anythng about it"...they still kept posting and since I have come back here, I got rid of the "friends" who wouldn't show restraint.....

ANyway, my sis and I  talked this afternoon and she was SO glad that I was back on the boards and in the online meets and also setting a schedule, to balance my "fun time"  with School time and the recovery time......I made amends with her an told her I messed up, but I am gonna put in the hard work...get back on track...work it hard then be more balanced.........I told her that newbies go to 90 meets in 90 days and I told her that tho I am not a newbie, I was gonna put in some real hard time to get back my sanity and my serenity

AND when they start the penalty phase??? I will catch it on the news or youtube, check out the highlites and then people are talking about this trial in GA about a woman using her b.f. to murder her husb. and all my  "facebookkers" and like  "hey Neshema, U gonna watch this trial???"

NOPE...I'll catch it on the news and be interested but DETACHED interest....

I am really lucky to have such a good sister....she is "good"  with my needing to catch up on recovery work and school work and she said she was proud of my being honest about it

I always say, that MOST screw ups can be 4given and amended when the one who made the mistake takes responsibility and makes amends and works to NOT  "go there" again....

Since my return, my facebook has changed and I am still "weeding out" the negatives....I am working my program and doing my meditations.....exercise was never a problem b/c I am so frisky, lol, but my school...studied a bit last night...worked some pages in my workbook......AND I notice that I am more aware of me and what I am feeling/ thinking/ doing/ like "where am I at now??"

Already I am seeing me respond better to situations....I've been kinda depressed over this ongoing financial struggle.....for a while I got enough work, then BAM...something happens and I have a vacancy......its to the point where during the feasts I still don't spend...I save  b/c I know the famine is round the corner......

Thanks for welcoming me back.....