The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, Paris. After awhile, we do stop tracking them. It just doesn't seem to go anywhere pleasant. I stopped sniffing, looking, asking, guessing, worrying and arguing. Surprised him. Then, I did divorce him, but for reasons other than just his using. We catch a glimpse of ourselves sometimes in these kinds of dances and discover a new step or two. It's all part of the process. I've been there, too. Wouldn't we love it if they could just sit down beside us and say, "I feel like a worthless person. Like I have nothing to give. I don't know why I'm still here."
And we can say, "You are somebody I love. You have value to me. You have yourself to give. You have a purpose in life." And they'd listen?
And then we can say, "I want you to discover this for yourself." And they say, "How?" And we say, "I have some friends who felt just like you and don't anymore." And then lead them to the board or an AA group?
Hugs, Paris. Prayers for you and for him.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 19th of July 2013 02:35:20 PM
AH is not talking to me. He came home from his meeting and before I saw him, I could smell the alcohol lingering in the kitchen. I should have turned around, but I went out to the yard, where he was w the dogs. I said hello, he barely spoke. I sat next to him and told him about my morning. He barely responded. We came in the house and I decided to just let him be. I went to another room. 10 min later he yells up the stairs and asks why I was walking around w a frown, staring at him, trying to make him feel like a piece of s#@t. Sigh, I know this game and I dont want to play anymore.
I am sure I was frowning, I should have not interacted with him. I hate the person I am in this relationship. I hate this dance we both do, him denying, me denying, me hoping for better.
I have made much progress in my recovery, and I do know that I can only be responsible for myself and my actions. I have separated myself from him financially, I have met w an atty. I dont want to divorce, but I fear that it is the road we are on.
Ive read all the entries on divorce in ODAT and I fully feel like the woman on pg 50, 'but you see, I love him'.
Reading my literature and posting here gives me serenity. I know others have made the decision to leave their A, maybe I will too, but for today, I am not ready for that.
Thanks for reading. It is good to know I am not alone.
Paris
I have separated myself from him financially, I have met w an atty. I dont want to divorce, but I fear that it is the road we are on. Ive read all the entries on divorce in ODAT and I fully feel like the woman on pg 50, 'but you see, I love him'. Reading my literature and posting here gives me serenity. I know others have made the decision to leave their A, maybe I will too, but for today, I am not ready for that. Thanks for reading. It is good to know I am not alone. Paris
Sounds like U have taken steps to protect your finances....good move...I did that as well...separate money so when he tanks his credit , it aint on me.....I would just keep working my program, detach from the drama and "baiting" for an arguement....You can't control this or him, you cannot cure this or him....you can only change yourself.....I urge you to get into meets, even online ones are great, good..reaing the literature, posting on here is good, and I would get a sponsor.... A sponsor can guide you on the 12 steps which are essential for your recovery, I would just live my life, work on my program, let him do what he had to do and if U dont' want divorce??? You know what is the right thing to do...alanon never says stay or leave...the only time we kinda "jump in" on something is when there is domestic violence and its dangerous.....if you feel you are safe, then I would just take care of me and do whats the best for me on my timing, not his
take care ..sound slike U have a good start on self care....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Dear Grateful, thanks so much for your post. You have described perfectly how I wish the conversations between me and my husband would go. But wishing will not make it so. There was a time in our relationship when we could talk like that, when we trusted each other completely and we were each supportive and nurturing to the other. Your post made me cry, and that is good, because I need to let this emotion out. I've kept the sadness bottled up for far too long.
Nehemsha, thank you for your reply too. I do have a sponsor, she is a wonderful wise woman, who lifts me up, and models healthy behavior. And I go to at least 2 meetings each week, where I am supported and accepted by a wonderful group of friends. You are right, these things help me to keep the focus on me. I know I am doing the next right thing, and I know I still have much work to do for me. It just tears me up to see my husband, my love, so ravaged by this disease. I miss the man I used to know and I miss the relationship we used to have.
This too shall pass, and God will take care of me, and him, according to his plan.
Nehemsha, thank you for your reply too. I do have a sponsor, she is a wonderful wise woman, who lifts me up, and models healthy behavior. And I go to at least 2 meetings each week, where I am supported and accepted by a wonderful group of friends. You are right, these things help me to keep the focus on me. I know I am doing the next right thing, and I know I still have much work to do for me. It just tears me up to see my husband, my love, so ravaged by this disease. I miss the man I used to know and I miss the relationship we used to have.
This too shall pass, and God will take care of me, and him, according to his plan.
Dear Paris, Oh I know what you mean by "Missing what he used to be"....This is kinda off topic but my mother was a raging, crying alcoholic.....Her sister, My lovely Aunt Helen has kinda brought me up to speed on what Mom was like BEFORE she married the beast who drove her to drink herself to death...
I thought my "mama Helen" was talking about someone ELSE.....THAT isn't the woman that I knew, I told her, and she told me how my mom was b4 she married satan.....I was totally shocked and sad...
Yes, I grieved and cried when we hung up.....Oh how I missed the Mom that USED TO BE......I had to cry and grieve and come to acceptance that , yea, she was that, but in my life she was a raging, sometimes physically abusive DRUNK.....
Reading your post made me think about my talk with my "mama Helen"
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
(((((Paris))))) Aloha and good progress...stay with it. When I learned that body language was the larger part of communications I stopped trying to "act as if" and just went to the truth without all of the drama. I didn't have to always go to the truth right away as in a reaction and to hold on to my honest thoughts and feelings about issues. When I did that my verbal language and body language matched up and conversations went seamlessly. I also didn't keep "harping" on the subject. Said it once, mean't what I said...didn't say it mean. That threw the relationship for a loop twix my alcoholic/addict wife and I because she was expecting the old song and dance and it wasn't coming anymore. Also I made a decision to not just venture into the "default solution" of divorce that many of my program friends were falling for. I made a decision with my sponsor to not do it and to work on the other "d" word...detachment. Kinda sorta like a divorce without the last sigh. That was a good 3 years for me and I learned alot about myself and my "part in it" which would carry me onward. When I left the partnership we were in love with no reason to be married. How stunning that was for us...all of us...HP, my spouse and myself.
With as much strength and energy as you can muster...do not be so hard on yourself...this is all about progress not perfection. In service and support. (((((hugs)))))
I know that dance well, I think it comes from his own guilty feelings, its much easier for him to deflect these onto you. You are doing so well Paris. Your recovery is showing, so you take your time on those big decisions. They say no major changes for a while and I think thats so we can see the full, clear picture. Take care.x
Dear friends - thanks for the encouragement. You guys are the best. The dance went on yesterday. He went out for a few hours, then came home and cooked us a nice dinner, as if nothing was wrong. So, I set my mind to just enjoy the good evening, and I did. Today I went to my meeting, hugged my alanon friends, filled my tank with live and hope, and enjoyed my day.
