I often complain about ABF being selfish and I really struggle with this.  I am supportive of his recovery and I understand that his recovery should come first (to him) and mine (to me).  I have a really hard time dealing with his selfishness in other areas of his life.  I need to vent for a minute.  I've already had a good cry and now I'm just angry. 

We are having dinner tonight, with my dad and uncle.  This has been planned all week.  He just calls me from work and tells me that he is going riding (motorcycle) tonight with another couple.  He wants to invite them to my dad's for dinner!  I tell him no because my dad is uncomfortable with new people and if I even mention it, my dad will say forget it and dinner will be cancelled.  I am a FIRM believer in keeping your commitments :)  ABF gives me a little bit of a guilt trip, telling me that sucks and such.  I really like this other couple but I also respect my dad and don't think it's right to throw on an additional two people for dinner at the last minute.

The other thing is that he didn't say anything to me about going riding with him tonight.  I think he just assumes that I will be joining them but I have NO IDEA.  He didn't invite me and his exact words were "I am going riding with ______ & _______ tonight". In my head that means I am not invited and I don't want to assume.  So, I am making other plans!  I don't want to invite myself and I am working on trying to gain my independence back. 

I know this sounds so petty but this is almost a daily struggle in our relationship.  We talk about doing something and then the plans change because there is something "better" to do.  I don't want to continue to be on-call and always wait to make plans around his ever-changing mind.  I have listened to him complain ALL week about being exhausted.  If you're so tired, REST!  We are in the process of transitioning his animals to my home so we can move in together in October.  I'm starting to wonder :(  In need of some ESH!!

Thanks in advance!!

You're welcome.  I'm fairly certain others will respond to you, but right now it looks pretty quiet on the board.  Glad you're in Al-Anon, too.  Support and change are highly valued among us.  

WorkingIt4Me wrote:

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  I am attending meetings, f2f and online.  He is also working his program (AA) and has been sober for 4+ years.  I am seeking a sponsor, just haven't found one yet.  Finally come to terms that being an ACOA has provided with me some traits that I need to work on.  Just struggling with the fact that the traits that I thought made me a good person may also be my defects.  So much to learn but am so grateful for the opportunity.  Love that I can come here for support!!   

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 JUST saw this....that is GR8, both of you have been working program for a while...and good on him, being sober 4 plus years,  I still say I would hold off moving in together and as to the ACOA part??? yea, maybe I would work the steps real hard as to why I would go from the alkie family into an alkie relationship???   I am ACOA too and I married TWO alkies b/c it was my "comfort" zone.....now alkies turn me, off, LOL...really program has changed me that much....I like a beer or two, but I just hate substance abuse......I think the steps are in order, here.....

I kept repeating patterns , picking bad relationship or just acting out in other ways....step 4 was huge for me...I really found out WHY i kept settling for alcoholics......at least yours is in recovery, and thats a plus...Just remember that he is only sober one day at a time...I pray for yoursake he stay on the good road, but I do think , also and this just came to me, but internal boundaries need to be looked at.....not to change him, but to change you....why are you allowing him to let you "be on call"  U said that b/c obviously your not happy with that...so?? what are you gonna do RE: boundary on that?????   If it were me...We make plans and he breaks them??? I am OFF doing my thing on my own or my girlfriends.....

Boundaries are changes you make for you, to illustrate what behaviour u will accept, what U won't accept

I tell my sponsees that we TEACH others how to treat us by our treatment of ourselves..what we permit   and another saying of mine   "What I permit, I am promoting"....  I teach folks how to treat me by my treatment of myself and my maintaining  healthy boundaries....

grateful2be wrote:

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Although she's older now and working on not keeping her options open when we've made plans, her life itself demands that of her sometimes and if I go huffy on her - things get difficult between us pretty quickly. I've learned to quit making plans in concrete in my head with her. I make a plan, hang on loosely, and if she can't make it - I do something else. Our relationship is much more agreeable to me now. In fact, there are actually times I call her now and say "I'm really awfully tired today. Could we meet another day, time or another place?" These changes have served me well. I've learned not to take it personally unless it is something that was very important to me and we had discussed it and made plans for it together that were necessary to make. Then, I will still go ahead and do what I planned, but I'll also let her know how her change affected me. It might not change her or the way she operates. It does help me not stuff my feelings and 3 years later let her know all the times I counted on her and she let me down. How much I've suffered because of it. Etc.

 

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 19th of July 2013 01:25:54 PM

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 hey G....WOW, gotta thank you for this gem....with my daughter #2, the one who likes to play head games on me,  with the "making plans" thingy.....I was too concrete w/her....i had too many expectations b/c for me and I will stay the same as far as honoring my comittments, but I need to "hang loose" and have a Plan B with her....maybe we can do better w/each other if i say "ok, we can go such and such on Wed"  and yea, hang on loosely....so if she messes me up, which most of the time she does, I will already have a plan B in place.....sorta been doing it of late..

we made  a "hair date" for me to cut her hair this last wed. and we were gonnna have some "girl time" together....I call her and shes doing the "quick shuffle" to break the date....I told her   "no worries, I am goin swimming then....SEE YA"  and i left.....I didn't get mad...didn't say  "well you and I made plans"   nope...none of it.....I just said "ok, I'm going swimming and see ya"   THEN ,later she wants to know if I can come thursday, and I had something for me to do , yesterday, like nurturing me b/c I was bummed out/depressed, so I said to her  "nope, can't see u on thurs...got something else to do"   I didn't explain...didn't say anything other than that....I think she was surprised b/c I am not at her beck and call........thanks for confirming something real important to me

Bettina wrote:

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He is f....ing with you. Testing the waters, see how much control he has over you.

You don't like whats happening now, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Think twice before moving in with him or have a program, to fall back on. Stick to your guns, you are right, its very rude to spring two guests on your Father, If it were your home it would be different. Stick to boundaries.
Keep practicing and coming back, you know it works, keep workin it.
Hugs,
Bettina

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 Dear Bettina, I am glad U said this b/c I was thinking , later, after my sandwich, that this is what my abusive, controlling EX AH#1 did to me.....he "tested the waters" with me and I was too coda to see it and RUN.......thank you for saying what I was thinking , also....

ParisMemories wrote:

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'The traits I thought made me a good person may actually be my defects' WOW can I relate to that! Thanks for sharing

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 Oh yea, I thought I was a real gr8 person, very giving, unselfish,  but all I was doing was caretaking instead of care giving AND it was all about ME....."I'll do this so you will love me"...my giving and doing had a selfish motive and I was always tired adn resentful afterwards

Now I check my motives b4 I do or give...is it from my heart w/no expectation of a return??? then go for it....If I am in doubt???? Wait...check motives...do quick inventory on me..... oh yea, I was the "giver and the doer"  my users loved me till I realized that I was wearing myself out and not getting any thing in return.......now, I give or do b/c I WANT TO.

WOW....This is SO cool of  post....Thanks

WorkingIt4Me wrote:

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 I should've said no but I didn't. Not going to make excuses as for why, just going to try and learn from it and do better next time!

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 now THAT is good recovery work.....ya saw what ya did....accepted it...Learned the lesson, and yep...we try and learn and do better next time

That is the beauty of program...So we "err" b/c we are human...Nobody is keeping score...We get hit, we learn, we get up, we begin again....We can always start over, begin again

GOOD JOB....Proud of ya