Hello All,

I have been with my husband for a year and a half. We have a baby boy due in 2 and a half months and I have a beautiful 8 year old little girl from my previous marriage. My husband is an alcoholic. He abuses it so badly and I have begged him to please stop. He will wake up at 8am, open a beer and drink all day, especially on weekends and his days off during the week. He gets so abusive and hurts me, but it's still always my fault!!  His life is in ruins due to his addiction. He has been in and out of jail caused by him being intoxicated. He has been fired from a job for public intoxication and fighting while out of town. He has racked up a horrible records for himself :(. One DWI, Assault on Family Member (His Mother), Assault on a Family with Impaired Breath (Me).  He has been to alcohol rehab voluntarily and completed all 30 days, but he has relapsed and has gotten worse. Last week he went drinking and came home at 2AM, drunk and hostile. My daughter pulled a bat on him to protect us since he was so irate and kicking furniture. I called the cops because he wouldn't leave or stop harassing us. He took the bat and held it against the police for awhile. There was a standoff in my living room for about 20 minutes. Now his most recent charge a Assault w/ Deadly Weapon ( Me and Daughter). I knew this was it for him, He has hit rock bottom. He got out of jail and is still drinking, lost his job and is now living out of a hotel room with $200 dollars in his bank account and no source of income. How do I get him to realize what he has done to himself, to us, to his life? We have a baby on the way! What do I do? :'(

Let go. You are not going to get him to realize anything if all of those horrible consequences haven't woken him up. I'm not saying get a divorce or dump him for good....that is not for now probably. But let go of the idea that you can make him realizing anything. His disease of alcoholism is like a big wrecking ball. If you try to stop it, it's the same as standing in front of that wrecking ball - it's going to hit you also and it's going to hurt more. Get out of the way as much as you can and focus on you. As much as it's anxiety provoking to be pregnant with the man's baby and he's in such a bad state with his addiction, you will be okay. You have the resources within you and you can go to Alanon (which I highly recommend for support and help).

PP wrote:

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I am sorry for your pain and confusion.  There will be more posts as people get on, I will post briefly than I need to leave.  First, you cannot do anything for him and that is easier said than done.  Your task in the RIGHT NOW, is to ensure your safety, the safety of your daughter and your unborn baby.  If it were me, I would find an al anon meeting, get it on the schedule and keep my commitment to attend NO MATTER WHAT.  Then I would call domestic abuse centers for guidance.  I would keep reaching, reaching reaching to get out of the chaos.  Stay safe and we are here.

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I completely agree with Paula....Meetings , sponsor,  12 steps work, if u arent' already doing that and PLEASE go to a abuse shelter and get some guidance

You cannot do anything for him....You have to protect you, unborn baby and that poor little that had to see this all....They will guide you on your legal options, etc....He has now become dangerous IMO....Its not safe for you and little ones

the ONLY thing you can do is get yourself into the meetings and work on  your program, but I would not wait re: the abuse shelter...This has gone from bad to dangerous, reading your post...I am concerned for you and the little ones

Please keep us posted ok??? 

I will write more when I get home..I just had to answer this post b/c this is emergency in my opinion.....I would head to the nearest shelter I can find....his next outburst could be really ugly...it is escalating....whatever he does is his life...You didn't cause this, you cannot EVER control and there is NO cure for this disease....Only program can keep it in remission and I don't see him as yet thinking of program...Hopefully falling this bad, he will realize he needs help, but that withstanding, You need to help YOU and NOW..

Please be careful

He will probably blame you for no job, living in a motel and having no money. That's how beating you is rationalized by an abuser. I do hope you have already contacted Domestic Assault programs in your area and followed through on Jerry's guidance with regard to a TRO.

I lived with an abusive man for years and didn't see how much danger I was truly in until I divorced him and started healing. Today, I wouldn't put up with even a yelling, screaming male 10 yards from my house if it is aimed at all towards me in my personal life.

Your husband is very sick. His mental thought patterns are out of whack. Alcohol will make those thought patterns even stranger. And your love for him and his love for you are not going to keep you safe.

I know you're scared. I know you're not sure this is what you want to do. But, if an 8 year old feels the need to pick up a bat to defend her mother against her own father - the strong suggestions you've received here could be life-savers for you and for your children.

I'm very, very sorry that all of this is happening, dear friend. It's not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it. It's stuff going on in his head that you simply can't do anything about as much as you'd like to do that. Many, many prayers and lots of encouragement and support to make the changes you can make to protect yourself and your children. Let God take care of your husband.

My ex started to get violent too. He had a brain surgery and relapsed after years of a great program. I knew of a domestic violence group. I learned first that his abuse had zero to do with his addiction. It is not a symptom of adddiction. Also if they put their hands on you, they will kill you.

Honey he has to figure it all out on his own. So what he will run out of money. He may feel bad enough to get a job! or not. Does not matter. Its not our problem. We can change no one but ourselves. There is help out there for you. Call the Dept. of Human Resources and tell them what is going on, ask them about help. They moved my daughter and her newborn to another city and other financial help. You,your growing baby and daughter are not one bit safe!

I don't want to read an anouncement that you are passed on!

I hope you keep coming back and be part of this family. These people, me included really care. We know how you feel.

It's horribly hard to face, but your husband is not going to be able to be there for you, baby or precious daughter. In fact he is dangerous to allof you and it is up to YOU to protect those babies! Gotta be strong, get out there, get help and please keep us updated!

love,debilyn

I don't have much to add to the experience, strength and hope that has already been written to you, but I do want to say that I can empathize with your emotional pain having gone through years of emotional abuse (thankfully my ExAB was not physically assaultive w/ me, but he was with others which always confused me). I kept wondering why, if he loved me (and I knew he did) would he treat me that way? The answer was never there for me logically speaking. I had to throw in the towel on trying to figure out things logically and accept that I would may never get answers that made sense to me. It was only when I let go and trusted in the experience, strength and hope of others who were speaking from their own experience that I was able to walk forward in my life without looking back and hurting (as much).

Please know there is help available to you through the rooms of Alanon and a whole lot of people who care. I found that immensely comforting to me. Be safe and reach out!

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