The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had to take a personal inventory on the relationship I was in recently.
I knew in my heart things were not really going to work out with this guy. There's nothing "wrong" with him - I felt so lucky to have attracted to me someone who didn't appear to have any substance abuse issues - the type of person I'd dated and also married in my past. But we still didn't *click*.
It was hard getting to know him really well. He lives on a different island than me, and he's in the Navy and had been out on deployment for a good nine months mid-way through our relationship.
All I know is that part-way through his deployment, I started feeling like it just wasn't going to work. But I felt obligated to him, nonetheless. He'd told me he loved me before he left and although I cared about him, I didn't feel like I loved him in the way he was expressing his love for me... but I was dishonest and told him I loved him anyway.
The above are typical patterns for me. I have this learned behavior that if someone does something nice to me I'm supposed to reciprocate in kind. If someone gets me a little gift, I need to get them a little gift, even if I'm not financially able to. If someone compliments me, I'm supposed to compliment them, because if I don't, then I'll be perceived as being rude. And hey... if someone tells me they love me... I must tell them I love them in return, even if I don't feel that way because if I don't I'm going to really hurt their feelings.
I forgot when I said "I love you" back, that I was actually, in fact, NOT responsible for this guy's feelings.
In any case... he got back from deployment a few months ago and we tried to pick back up on our relationship with daily phone calls and a few in-person visits. I kept waffling with my feelings about it, and it was all for selfish reasons and out of fear. I was fearful that maybe he really was supposed to be perfect for me and if I put my hands up and said "nah, this isn't working" then I'd regret it eventually. I was being selfish because I was unwilling to give up the relationship because I worried that somehow he was supposed to benefit my life down the road somewhere.
All of these actions of mine... the fearful and selfish stuff... lead to an underlying uneasiness with myself and ultimately to guilt.
I essentially slid deeper and deeper into guilt as time wore on... I lived in it, subtly at first, and then more and more prominently for essentially half of a year.
Guilt, I've found, is insidious. Before I'd met this guy and made mistakes and bad decisions, I had really been taking good care of myself and my self-esteem was very high. I felt worthy and confident and like I was just that magical "okay"... that "okay" where everything seems to be going great in my world.
But as guilt piled up on me, my self-esteem began to take a nose-dive. And by a couple of weeks ago, I found myself mired in some pretty deep depression.
I knew I really needed to say something to this guy. Thankfully, I've got a sponsor and I picked up that phone and called her and told her I was thinking of ending it with him, and she asked me why and after some discussion we determined I really needed to take a 4th step inventory on this to get real clear about what's going on with me, and that I needed to make an amends to him.
The inventory was tough. I saw things about myself that I thought I was morally above.
The next step was to discuss it with my sponsor and then talk about how I can make an amends to this guy without doing him further harm.
I'm so thankful for Al-Anon because when I did finally contact him and make my amends, I kept it all on me. Not once did I ever do what I used to do when relationships weren't working out... and that was to list out all my grievances about the person... as if it's all their fault. I didn't take his inventory. I took mine.
The amends went well... of course I had that fear that I'd cause more harm somehow, or get yelled at, but it didn't happen. He even admitted to trying to hold on himself even though he also felt it wasn't working out.
The long and short of all of this is that I'm watching myself now. Now that I've managed to "amend' my course, the guilt as been lifted and I can feel my self-esteem snapping back quickly.
I'm grateful for the lessons I learned in this relationship. I sincerely hope they stick with me and I don't repeat the same mistakes again with another person. I've been shown quite clearly that a guilty conscience eats away at me until I nearly collapse.
Thanks for your share .. I so understand and relate to not knowing how to react or feel when someone does something nice for me.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I see a lot of progress, maturity, and a good program at work. For someone with such a difficult relationship history - you really acted within your program. You examined your motives, stayed connected with your HP, and took the actions that were spiritually, logically, and emotionally in line with what your HP wants for you.
We all make mistakes and I've tried to make relationships work in the past and changed my mind or come to similar realizations too. I guess the progress is not that we stop making mistakes, it is that we recognize them faster, stop freaking out, stop making problems worse, and we just get better at coping. I see your post as an example of how the program gives you coping skills to handle life on life's terms.
Wow, you are so clear and what a commitment to your well being. I know this is not about him, however, I wanted to point out that you gifted him with your maturity and love; freeing him to model that in his future relationships, if he chooses. This is an example of love, service and generosity to others in an HP way. You allowed HP to work through you.
I remember doing that in a relationship, as well, but I certainly wasn't honest with myself about it. I was 20 and definitely broken when it came to how I interacted especially when someone did or said something nice. I still struggle with that today, actually. There is a lot of self awareness in your share, thank you for bringing up the idea of guilt, it's something I struggle with frequently.
There is something about heart open, honest admissions of things we've done that eat at us and what steps we've taken to help us return to peace that always touches me - helps me feel softer inside myself - and towards other human beings. Thank you for touching me with your share.
Wow you have written about my relationship that is going on right now almost word for word and I needed to read this and do a 4th step on myself big time! I am so glad you could make the hard but right decision to be true to yourself. Thanks for sharing this very much! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks for your share .. I so understand and relate to not knowing how to react or feel when someone does something nice for me.
Hugs P :)
OMG, LOL, ME TOO....I am so used to being crapped on, abused and dumped on, I still have trouble getting my head around someone actually treating me nice....I am lots better, but goodness still surprises me.....kinda sad when I think about it...some of us have had some real sorrow in our lives....and goodness is such a nice gift, I try to treat folks the way I want to be treated...having seen and experienced the darkness for so long, I could never, intentionally "recycle" the bad......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I guess the progress is not that we stop making mistakes, it is that we recognize them faster, stop freaking out, stop making problems worse, and we just get better at coping. I see your post as an example of how the program gives you coping skills to handle life on life's terms.
I love this....I used to think that making a mistake was proof that I was totally useless as programmed to think....now??? yea, I don't '"love" messing up, but I am so much faster at recognizing and accepting it, that the freak outs are less, and less intense so I am calmer and therefore, I cannot help but to cope better......boy this is a great thread...I am learning BIG time....
Thanks ya'll for the awesome posts
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
