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Dunno why , I wake up....and I am doing my morning work on me (alanon) thining maybe I can sneak my grandson to pool b/4 daughter can come up w/something to bollix that up
and I feel sad today
Looking at what am I doing??? where am I going??? is it just gonna be struggling to find a bit more work and exist????
I am a lot better, but my circumstances absolutely STINK....I am powerless...I can't force someone to need my servies (cert. pub. bookkeeper) and boooy am I finding a lot of flakes out there...they take my time in interviews, ask me ???S, I think I got the client and then they jerk me around , and def. show no responsibility so I pass on them...if it is that hard to get info that i need to clean up their books, imagine how hard its gonna be to get my paycheck at the end of the day???? so I pass
I'm getting older and I guess tireder...at 67, (i know...my doc. says I barely pass for 50) but really the number is there
i sit here, working answering posts, I can't help me very much, but yea, answering posts does help me b/c I am giving support and that feels good and the more I give of this program the more I get, however, I am thinking "ok, what is next after this???"
I work tomorrow at my Friday job....will have made "ok"money this week b/cit was a 2 day week or 2 mornings a week
with this friggin ptsd an anxiety, I can't do the "mind" work as much...I get exper. overload and I am tireder then b4..I can only do so much "mind work" and be with people so much then I need to rest and get into some quiet.....
I thought about doing more physical stuff b/c it does not seem to take as much out of me, but no luck.....I wold love to do PT work at the animal shelter but they are not looking for help
It seems sometimes that one day runs into the next....
When the Jodi Arias trial was on, it felt like I had a "life" watching and getting obsessed about that trial and it was THAT trial that made me realized "OMG....Coda is coming out of remission and I need to get back home"....Now I have detached from all the after "events" of that thing, detached from all the speculation b/c I am HERE and working on me...
I went to senour place in town and it was totally boring and it cost to do this...cost to do that....hell, I dn't have the money past my bills, pet care and car exp...home and car ins.....semi anually doc. visits b/c I am on controlled substance and i have to pay what medicare does not
I think I am in a funk.....I say life CAN get better, I even got on a dating sight TWO of them, paid my $$$ and found that people lie and BS just as much as I can find that in real life for free
so I HAVE , with my limited finances , tried to do stuff to "shake up the tree" hoping that something would fall out and enrich my boring life, but again, nothing....
I am not a a "joiner" I don't buy into the church scene with my lack of belief and trust and organized religion messed me up for then helping me....so that is out
the old tennis club we had and had fun at CLOSED...I went over there to see if it wold be resurrected and "no, we are only having the pool and tennis for the homeowners...no more outsiders buying memberships anymore"
I go to shelter to ask if I can volunteer...."no we don'tdo that anymore"...so I go to shelter and "visit" with the homeless pets who probably feel like me.....no money to do anything.....stuck in a rut and waiting for opportunity to affect a change
So, what do I do???? work myprogram...do stuff to improve me....try and make my energy better so I draw good energy.....
today I am gonna blindsight daugher #2 and steal Angel (oldest grandson) for a swim.....that will cheer me up
I feel like an old horse that got ridden in too many races and now nobody wants me and part of it is my fault b/c I am so quiet about my private life....not a social butterfly, not an outgoing person....at garage sales, I can talk b/c I am shopping (when I have some spare $$$) movies I go by myself when I can afford it
I think I will just keep workin on me....try to get the grand kids out.....make me a better me re: sticking w/my program......and take it one day at a time
Hope the kids are home today, b/c after I eat,I am gonna go grab my grandson IF HE IS THERE and take him swimming
tomorrow I work, so that will be some $$ for me....I need TWO more mornings per week to live a bit better when I can save some and actually take me out once in a while....
around here there isn't much free stuff....when weather cools I am gonna in DAY time when it is safe, I am going to go running around this lovely park we have accross the street with cement trails for the joggers...
I GOT to do something to create some good energy for me....I want more than recovery, work, tryin to find a bit more work, tryin to make ends meet...tryin to meet my needs......and to have SOME sort of social life w/other quiet folks like me..... All the ones I used to enjoy being with have moved away........
TODAY, I will do my gratitude list even if I have to clench my teeth.....TODAY I will try and steal my g.son to swimming OR go by myself if he is not home or available.....Gonna get my bike out and stroll through the neighborhood when not swimming and see if I can meet some folks or resurrect some old acquaintences and TRY to bring some fun into my life....
kinda down today so this post must sound absolutely awful.....I thought if I just got on and typed my feelings out, it wold feel better.....
I am having trouble quieting my mind down, so my typing is all screwed up w/reversed letters, its like dislexia but it is not b/c when I hand write, I am fine......I think my mind goes faster than my fingers......for some reason this past few days I just cannot slow me down......I cannot stay grounded or in the moment...........anxiety and fears in the background making me afraid
maybe a meditation b4 swimming as pool opens later today, maybe a meditation is in order for me as thing #1 for today.....
I guess as I reclaim me in the program, maybe things will brighten up and opportunities will come, I do putout all the energy I can to affect that....
Just feelin sad today............oh well........this too shall pass............
thanks for being there for me..........I did the best thing for me by coming back....I guess being off so long, Its gonna taketime for me to get back on even keel or steady on the scaffold of alanon....
you all have a gr8 Thursday.........I am gonna do what I can to make mine happier...better....
hugssss
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
ONE thing....I need to QUIT comparing my life to others......when the crash hit and my financial abundance went down the tubes shall we say, it sure put limits on what I can do re: going out, even alone to just "hang out" and find joy and happiness ....
but in a lot of ways things are better.......I am not as sick.....not as messed up.....i CAN hold up my end of a friendship or even a relationship, I do believe.....just no opportunities now
meditations...letting this all go....maybe will release the bad energy and open me up to some good karmic energy.....
working on me, I suppose I will figure this out.........getting older STINKS
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am offering you a virtual cup of coffee and my presence to be with you. Sometimes I feel sad just because...to rephrase Teresa of Avila...all I can do is go in the kitchen and peel potatoes. I am toasting you with my cup of coffee my friend!
I am offering you a virtual cup of coffee and my presence to be with you. Sometimes I feel sad just because...to rephrase Teresa of Avila...all I can do is go in the kitchen and peel potatoes. I am toasting you with my cup of coffee my friend!
(((((((((((Paula))))))))))))) thanks....it tastes REAL good.............and yea, "sad just becuz" calling my adoptive sister.....comfort feels good.....Thanks for caring....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Remember you are not alone. I have found that once I have shared my pain and sadness it lifts and I feel lighter. Stay in the moment and in the day, listen to your inner voice and you will be OK
Remember you are not alone. I have found that once I have shared my pain and sadness it lifts and I feel lighter. Stay in the moment and in the day, listen to your inner voice and you will be OK
In my thoughts today
hey Betty, I had a talk w/my younger sister and she who studied psychology to help me in my conditon, she researched ptsd and anxiety, and all the fall out with it and she was real supportive, told me to just ride out the feelings of sadness and take extra care of me, I am depressed but not clinically depresed, she said after what you lost, yea, its normal, and to not beat me up about it, ride it out....don't do more than I need to as I rest my emotions and to do something nice for me today and every day, really and I , because I have done a lot of research, knew she was right...
I am glad I am not alone, but also sad to know that others get depressed too...I want all of us to be happy at least most of the time....but I know we gotta ride out the downs as we savor the good......i share my pain and sadness to show others that they are not alone AND to let it out...expose it....drain it from me, and I am fixin to go to the pool.....will "surprise" daughter #2 by just showing up and seeing if grandson wants to go swimming w/me....if he is even home
either way, I am goin swimming......just bummed out and depressed today
I appreciate ya'll....really...I am glad I am back...younger sis (adopted) was real glad that I decided to get back on MIP she said that I do better adn feel better when working on me and program...
Thanks....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I feel kind of crappy too so your not alone. I feel emptiness inside that I haven't felt in a long time. Just don't really know what to do with myself right now.
I'm happy that you have the ability to go swimming. I used to be a great swimmer but since I've moved to AZ I don't have the resource.
Yes we have to keep ourselves in the moment and think of the good things in our lives.
(((( hugs )))) wishing you the best
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I feel kind of crappy too so your not alone. I feel emptiness inside that I haven't felt in a long time. Just don't really know what to do with myself right now.
I'm happy that you have the ability to go swimming. I used to be a great swimmer but since I've moved to AZ I don't have the resource.
Yes we have to keep ourselves in the moment and think of the good things in our lives.
(((( hugs )))) wishing you the best
(((((((((((((Cathy)))))))))))))))) yea, I know and I am soo sorry for what U R going through.....I think for me its the grief over I'm gettin older and I see nothing ahead of me, but u r right....keep me in the moment...latelyl its been a struggle to stay in the now, in my body, a bad cycle has come upon me and I gotta ride it out....so you live in AZ hey??? been watching the big trial, lol....WOW...what a mess
Hugs back at ya and sending you some smiles and happy thoughts.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
hope u feel better. I've been going through a bit of the same lately. Someone (maybe you ? :) ) told me in my other thread to recognize my limitations.
You're only 1 woman and you have everything you need to support that one woman and you can only do what 1 woman can do.
Doing all those things sounds good. But everyone needs help along the way.
You are 67 and have made it this far. I doubt your HP is going to stop caring for you now so long as you are around ;)
You are still living and breathing, you serve a purpose to someone somewhere no matter how small or irrelevant you may think it is.
hope u feel better. I've been going through a bit of the same lately. Someone (maybe you ? :) ) told me in my other thread to recognize my limitations. You're only 1 woman and you have everything you need to support that one woman and you can only do what 1 woman can do. Doing all those things sounds good. But everyone needs help along the way. You are 67 and have made it this far. I doubt your HP is going to stop caring for you now so long as you are around ;) You are still living and breathing, you serve a purpose to someone somewhere no matter how small or irrelevant you may think it is.
Jim.
I might have said recognize my limitations, that is something I am working, but thanks for reminder of it....yea, i think u may be onto something....I am only ONE woman trying to handle life alone....yea, I only have ONE woman to look out for (me) but still, just feel empty sometimes...like what is the POINT??? and I do hope i serve a purpose to someone.....that makes sense b/c we are all interconnected and interdependent on each other.......yea, good point....my inner HP has kept me goin so far, so why drop me now???? hmmmm good points...thanks Jim
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi, N. I do hope you are feeling lighter and more at peace now than you were when you first posted? Busy day today and I'm terribly fatigued as I work through some kind of yuck, but I did want to reach back and let you know I'm looking at you as you look at me through the avatar. I'm smiling back. (((N)))
hope u feel better. I've been going through a bit of the same lately. Someone (maybe you ? :) ) told me in my other thread to recognize my limitations. You're only 1 woman and you have everything you need to support that one woman and you can only do what 1 woman can do. Doing all those things sounds good. But everyone needs help along the way. You are 67 and have made it this far. I doubt your HP is going to stop caring for you now so long as you are around ;) You are still living and breathing, you serve a purpose to someone somewhere no matter how small or irrelevant you may think it is.
Jim.
I might have said recognize my limitations, that is something I am working, but thanks for reminder of it....yea, i think u may be onto something....I am only ONE woman trying to handle life alone....yea, I only have ONE woman to look out for (me) but still, just feel empty sometimes...like what is the POINT??? and I do hope i serve a purpose to someone.....that makes sense b/c we are all interconnected and interdependent on each other.......yea, good point....my inner HP has kept me goin so far, so why drop me now???? hmmmm good points...thanks Jim
I know you didn't take it that way, but I didn't mean it like that either. I meant stop putting so much pressure on yourself.
I do it to, trust me! But I need to remind myself that I just didn't have some of the benefits others did and that's not my fault. A lot of people grow up with 2 responsible, stable parents that put their children first. I had 1 Alcoholic parent whose goal was to drink and do what was in his best interest. It's not his fault either as that is what he learned from his dad, also an alcoholic.
We're at opposite ends of the spectrum. You are 67 and I am 29. I'm just getting started! There's so much more to go! I need to believe things will improve because I have to. You need to believe because you've been there! You've seen it all and come out of it. All the sickness, the alcoholism, the insanity, the recessions....you've given them all the finger and here you are.
hope u feel better. I've been going through a bit of the same lately. Someone (maybe you ? :) ) told me in my other thread to recognize my limitations. You're only 1 woman and you have everything you need to support that one woman and you can only do what 1 woman can do. Doing all those things sounds good. But everyone needs help along the way. You are 67 and have made it this far. I doubt your HP is going to stop caring for you now so long as you are around ;) You are still living and breathing, you serve a purpose to someone somewhere no matter how small or irrelevant you may think it is.
Jim.
I might have said recognize my limitations, that is something I am working, but thanks for reminder of it....yea, i think u may be onto something....I am only ONE woman trying to handle life alone....yea, I only have ONE woman to look out for (me) but still, just feel empty sometimes...like what is the POINT??? and I do hope i serve a purpose to someone.....that makes sense b/c we are all interconnected and interdependent on each other.......yea, good point....my inner HP has kept me goin so far, so why drop me now???? hmmmm good points...thanks Jim
. I meant stop putting so much pressure on yourself.
You've seen it all and come out of it. All the sickness, the alcoholism, the insanity, the recessions....you've given them all the finger and here you are.
OH yea, gave it ALL the finger and still going.....I knew what u were saying about "stop putting pressure on me" oh yea, I got it......at my age, though, one gets tired.....Older race horses do too, but they get to retire....I am going to work today, not feeling so good from the ptsd chemicals running through my body, but I just have to go to work....sick...b/c I need the money.....when I come home, I will get into the quiet and ride this out...drinking lots of water to help all these chemicals that flood my hippo campus flush out of my body so I can feel better.....Thanks , Jim....I knew what your post was saying to me.....I am just tired and not feeling so great......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
