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Had begun the divorce process, AH begged and pleaded to hold off.....my mind did not want to but went along with him anyway (perhaps out of pity for him and lonliness by my part now that I realize).....creating another great cognitive dissonance in my life.
He took off 1,800 miles away to recover, then asking me to go over (though he managed to find a way to fund the trip) He sent me home earlier and doesn't communicate as often and it's driving me nuts.
Before I left for the trip I thought to myself, "don't worry, eventually he will find friends and possibly a girlfriend thus deciding to move on from this unhealthy relationship....so much damage has been done"
Well, it seems that might be what is happening as he avoids my calls and does not seem to happy when I do call. Some of it has to deal with some financial things we have to deal with. Yes, I admit, I love him, but I detest how inconsistent he had been with myself and the children and then just begs us to still be in our lives.
I just cant see how your children alone cannot be enough to get one sober (it's been 8 years with 3 years sober (year4-6) and even then he was inconsistent) Well, I cried my eyes out last night as I realized, I lost many of my friendships because of this relationship, even the psychologist told me 3 days ago that I was putting him before myself (which I told HIM time and time again, that selfish prick) His justification is "I'm going to make it up so wonderfully"...well....when? that day has not come as of yet. He makes me sick to my stomach sometimes so maybe he is finally giving us the favor........Seems like he is not so lonely anymore and does not need me around.......It really hurts though it is literally the 6th time separated.....
WTF is wrong with him?? Begging and pleading, then he has my interest again and avoids me? Damn manipulator if you ask me......maybe that's what hurts the most after all. Well, now it's time to pick myself up again......and again and again......I need to cease the time I have and learn from these experiences. Get myself a steady little job again, a simple one for now....read, start an exercise routine again, join interest clubs.........Go to my F2F friends, see more of them and be more appreciative of the people that do show great love for me. I'll leave with that. Thank you.
At the moment I am finding the two most difficult things for me to accept are 1) I have no control over the As behavior and 2) the role I keep playing in the unhealthy relationship
it is hard to do, and seems to be against our alanoners brain, but try and take care of yourself first--meetings, literature, here for support and all the things that are a comfort to you. I hear your frustration loud and clear and when you ask why the kids aren't enough to keep the A sober I am reminded of hearing a substance abuse counselor who said, don't kid yourself--we don't want to believe it but the disease will come first before everything; I also have a friend who is now in recovery who said his mother would plead with him over and over again to just look at the pictures of his kids before hitting the bars and it sadly did not make a difference until he was really ready for that change.
wishing you strength from someone who is in the process of divorce, and weathering the rollercoaster that goes with it...
WTF is wrong with him?? Begging and pleading, then he has my interest again and avoids me? Damn manipulator if you ask me......maybe that's what hurts the most after all. Well, now it's time to pick myself up again......and again and again......I need to cease the time I have and learn from these experiences. Get myself a steady little job again, a simple one for now....read, start an exercise routine again, join interest clubs.........Go to my F2F friends, see more of them and be more appreciative of the people that do show great love for me. I'll leave with that. Thank you.
Hey Rose...............alkies are like that...manipulative as hell.....thank goodness you see it....So now...What are you gonna do about you??? for you???? to take care of you????? I like sentence where you say "see more of them" re: good friends.....how about meetings??? U going to any???? and working the steps???? Through them you can find out why you staid so long and what old unresolved junk is still repeating itself in your life.....the GOOD thing is that you SEE it..Your not in denial about it...
so the NEXT thing is to work your program...all of it....meets...steps...literature....so you can change you...change your way of thinking, and changing our thoughts leads to better feelings, then better responses, then better habits , etc....U get my drift here??? You can't do a thing about Mr. A....You can only change you, help you, improve you, etc....
It sucks being abused and used and then kicked to the curb...been there done that in relatinships and family and it hurts....but working on ME and why I kept giving these jerks 2nd chances and 3rd chances when it didn't work the FIRST and SECOND time...why did I do it??? Fear of being alone??? Stubborness in that I will get it right THIS time???? or fear of change???? probably all of the above, but program helped me change that.....
if a relationship, even a superficial one like a facebook friend....If it don't work the 1st. time, I let it go....rarely I give 2nd chances anymore and usually it is b/c we mutually had a misunderstanding or they did something that was totally out of human error and yea, 2nd chance is appropriate...but deliberate stuff??? or toxic stuff??? stuff that I know they will repeat???? naaaw hurt me once , shame on you...hurt me twice...shame on me
I am glad U SEE it an are AWARE...and I totally relate to trying again and again, beating my head against the wall to make a relationship work when I know in my heart it is NOT...
program has changed me...I am no longer interested in hanging around w/toxic people....
I had this guy I was dating last year....I saw red flags all over him about lots of issues.....I told him when he last called me that I wanted to break things off b/c we were not on the same page and it was ot gonna work......he begged me to "don't give up on me" an I told him I had my plate full tryin to get ME going straight..that I could not reconcile w/his issues and I could not fix him, could not help him, etc....so I left....exited the relationship....too many red flags in his behaviour.........
hang in there with us and the program and you will find, step by step how to take care of you....
I know how good this program is b/c I am back here and yea, I am kinda bummed thinking of all the lost opportunities, but I got ME...and I am OK TODAY....and life CAN get better....it begins with ME
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you for your replies...... ......but yes, I need to make more "I" statements.
I attend meetings and am trying my best, going to a psych because by now, I'm a little disoriented for now.......yet still taking care of me....
I'm not sure whether this post was a vent, a slip, or just a simple share just yet (feels like a vent)
but in the meantime, today, I saw the doctor, had a good healthy lunch, and will be surrounded by loved ones (my aunts funeral....is today, she had been suffering a long time, may she RIP, yet the good thing is it brings the family together) I'll keep it extra simple.
Rose said (my aunts funeral....is today, she had been suffering a long time, may she RIP, yet the good thing is it brings the family together) I'll keep it extra simple.
So sorry for your loss, I like your attitude thinking about her funeral bringing folks together....One day at a time...thats all we can do.....peace to you
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Rose,
LIfe is not easy when you are married to an A, we all have found that out.
I read something in ODAT book I never saw before the other nite about making decisions that affect others lives.
about making major changes, that we should first consider the possible outcome. Have we really tried to examine and correct our own faults. Is there a way to improve our attitudes and until we have tried all that , then we can make the great decision.
"The truly wise solution may be in improving myself".
I also see that you recognize you need to make more "I" statements. That's good in itself. Start taking care of yourself Rose, you know you can't control what he does. What I'm hearing from the A is he is still hoping there's a future in your marriage even though it appears those are not his actions.
Just keep concentrating on finding strength and clarity so you can be sure of what Rose wants.
"The truly wise solution may be in improving myself".
I also see that you recognize you need to make more "I" statements. That's good in itself. Start taking care of yourself Rose, you know you can't control what he does. What I'm hearing from the A is he is still hoping there's a future in your marriage even though it appears those are not his actions. Just keep concentrating on finding strength and clarity so you can be sure of what Rose wants.
I agree with Bettina
I also check when making a decision about another person.....one thing I look at re: your situation is Do his ACTIONS match his WORDS??? I am reading that they do not
and I agree with "B's" last line here........"strength and clarity so you can be sure of what ROSE wants" I see this a high time you took care of YOU.........I SO agree with Bettina.....just my 2 cents, and I know you will figure it out b/c I think you are already coming to that place of "strength and clarity" as Bettina says here..........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Just a tag to what Bettina said from her reading...Old Al-Anon saying..."The life you have is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift to God".
Don't put it on hold for anyone who hasn't a clue about their own. ((((hugs))))
Just a tag to what Bettina said from her reading...Old Al-Anon saying..."The life you have is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift to God".
Don't put it on hold for anyone who hasn't a clue about their own. ((((hugs))))
Jerry that is beautiful....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
