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Hi everyone - I'm new to this kind of posting so forgive me if I sound awkward! I also have a large backstory, so I'm sorry if this turns out to be a novel!
About six months ago, I found out the guy I was in a committed relationship (of four years) with had been hiding a growing rapidly larger by the minute drinking problem, drinking in private at night, sneaking shots/drinks when we were out, etc. I had no idea of any of this, I naively thought he just had a low tolerance and drank too much sometimes, even though both of his parents are recovering alcoholics of 27-29 years and he himself was known to be a huge partier. We had had MANY fights about drinking. The cat got let out of the bag so to speak when he took my little brother on a camping trip with some friends this past January and he drank so much he passed out couldn't take care of my little brother. Thankfully, another close friend of mine had gone camping with them and was able to take care of the situation and make sure everyone got home safe and sound. But, because of what happened, we all found out about the secretive behavior.
I am attending some Al Anon meetings and an OOFF meeting at my church semi-regularly and admit that I need to go to more, I unfortunately work many evenings and am some weeks not able to go to any meetings.
It's worth noting that mom is an alcoholic and drug abuser and is not in our lives any longer. In fact, said little brother above lives with my older brother because my mom dropped him off one day and took off. We don't know where she is and don't have any way of getting in contact with her, except by email. Not that any of us want contact with her anyways...
I'm writing tonight because the feeling of betrayal weighs too heavy on my heart. My boyfriend was the model boyfriend, perfect, sweet, adorable, affectionate, helpful, loving, cuddly. I NEVER worried about him lying to me or hiding things from me and I've dated other guys in the past where that was a huge deal, but not with this guy. I just knew he was that type of person that I could trust, to tell me the truth, to not hurt me. When I found out about all of the lies and hiding, my heart broke and has stayed broken and if possible, shatters a little more each day. My head is so awful to be inside of sometimes, I picture him alone in his room drinking until he stumbles and falls over, I picture him sneaking liquor at parties or at the bar sneaking shots while I'm in the bathroom. These made up images play on a loop on my head until I want it to explode. I feel so awful knowing how much he hid from me, I told him today that it's almost like the drinking isn't what I have a problem with, it's the HIDING that makes me feel so terrible. I also have a hard time feeling the same about him, because finding out these things about him has totally changed my perception of him, I feel totally different about what type of person he is.
I should note my boyfriend has six months and counting of sobriety, since the camping trip he has made it his life mission to attend meetings and to heal himself.
Man it felt good to get that all out, even if no one responds, I'm glad I did this! And if you're reading, thanks for taking time out of your day to read my thoughts. If you have any advice or positive thoughts, I'd appreciate anything!
Aloha Luna - welcome to the board, you're in the right place.
The only advice I would offer is to continue getting to face-to-face Al-Anon meetings as often as possible, and also try to get your hands on some of the literature. I recommend How Al-Anon Works and possibly a daily reader or two. I've found them to be very helpful for me.
After a few months in Al-Anon, I also found myself a sponsor and I have a continual weekly dialogue with her. She's a person with whom I can share my whole story (there's no time to do this at meetings) and someone I can learn trust with. She is also helping me work through the steps.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't wish dealing with alcoholism in a loved one on my worst enemy. But Al-Anon has been a life-saver for me, for sure.
I was friends with someone for several years and was shocked to learn that he had been smoking pot for quite some time. Later, I learned other things about him that floored me. I just couldn't believe he had the issues that he had. He was high functioning. People loved to spend time with him. He was smart, apparently open, and caring about many, many people. He also could be very, very cruel. I didn't see any of his darkside for three years. Now, he owns and manages a psychotherapy clinic. It took me awhile to realize that what I saw wasn't really all there was to him the first three years of our friendship. My feelings changed towards him because I knew facts about him and had new experiences of him. I grieved for awhile. Now I know a little more about addiction and hiding the addiction is part of the disease. Had nothing to do with me. His disease fooled a lot of other people, too. Taught me not to think I know everything there is to know about anyone no matter how long I've known them. I'm still learning about myself, too.
Glad you're here. Keep coming back. You're not alone.
Drinkers can be REAL sneaky and secretive....my mother who was an alkie had ingenious ways of finding and hiding booze....she would get "wrecked" and we would wonder HOW did she get it?? when we are all watching her???
I wold if I were you, I would get into alanon meetings....I would get books and work books on the steps adn the literature and really work on me...I would let go any relationships, meaning back off time to work on you..
People recommend that we refrain from man/woman relationships until we have had at least a year in recovery...It makes sense b/c the drastic changes for the good that occur within the person, it is not good to do anything "Major" with so much on your plate...
I wold get a sponsor, work the steps , go to meetings..I went to one and two meets per DAY for the first 2 years or so b/c I was so messed up...
I stayed away from relationships that were op sex...and I distanced myself from people who were non supportive of my desperate need to be in recovery
its now time to focus on you...the boy friend has to make his own choices and his own way.....you can't control what he does, you didn't cause it and you will never cure it, the only thing you can change and help is you....
Why we stay in unhealthy relationships, we find out why if we really work this program, we see why we settle for less then what we deserve...
I am glad your boyfriend is in recovery, however he is a "baby" in this program and if he works it for about 2 years or so, (my opinion) you might have a shot at working this out if you are in YOUR program...
Both of you would have to work this for the remainders of your lives for any chance of a "doable" relationship...Remember, he can either keep it in remission by abstinence and working his program, or he can slip and go right back to drinking
The longer they are sober and working their program, the better shot they have at having a healthier and productive life..
I have a dear friend whose been sober 20 plus years...he works his program seriously, too...always goes to regular meetings, and he works the steps...he has guided me a lot on understanding alcoholism and the necessity of working the program
I am emotionally sober one day at a time, working my program
Please keep coming back...you are worth it
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
His alcoholism is not about you. Also the hiding was because of shame and fear. Not to say I wouldn't also be taken aback if I were you and it's your prerogative to not want to trust or be with a newly recovering alcoholic. Just try not to make the disease of alcoholism about you. You can't separate the alcoholic behavior from the drinking. The hiding is also part of the disease and not something he did thinking how dumb you were or how clever he was to trick you. More likely out of shame and fear of rejection when he might get found out. Either way, loving him and being in a relationship with him pose risks...even with him in recovery. He will need to stay in recovery for life. Not sure if you're up for that gamble. In any case, both the drinking and hiding/sneaking were about alcoholism...not you. Alanon meetings may really help clarify your thoughts and help you detach with love from his disease.
