I can't believe it took me 3+ yrs. to come out of denial about my xabf being an alcoholic and addict.  I really wasn't in denial, it was more like , he has a canibus card and he uses it for medical reason, his back and sciatia nerve pain. and the beer, he drinks only 2-5 cans during a week-end when he is here and he workd really hard in my yard and he doesn't get drunk.

When I realized I didn't like the way he was short tempered and impatient with me over the simplest things, I tried to discuss it with him and let him know I didn't like it and I deserved better because I didn't treat him that way.  I think I let it go on for so long because I only saw him 1 or 2 week-ends a month, even though he called me 2x's a day.  An issue too was my A/A's who I don't allow to use drugs or alcohol at my house and I was allowing him to.  My justification for that was we are both adults, he manages his life, has a home,  car, truck, boat and doesn't ask me for anything and my A/A's never come around when he is here.  My thinking was his life was not unmanagable because of his addiction  he was in denail about his addiction, even though he drank beer even when his stomach was bothering him.

Another thing that bothered me was one day(rare occasion that my kids were around when he was here) when we had a cookout at my house he did offer my daughter a beer, (he wasn't smoking canibus,) even though he knew about her problems, he make an excuse when I confronted him later.

When I found myself feeling like I was walking on egg shells when we were talking because I didn't want to say anything to cause a conflict, he always said "well be real, talk to me like I talk to you"  I don't like to argue and feel a relationship should be loving and enjoyable.  I had known for a long time that this was not the way I wanted to spend the rest of my life, so I had been asking God to help me to end it if it was his will.

It's been almost 2 months now, I'm not sure I did it the right way because I did it over the phone, I was expecting him to come on a Sat. evening or maybe Sun. because he had some work to do before he came, since he hadn't called to say he wasn't coming, I prepared dinner.  Finnally, around 8:30p.m. I called him and he said he had told me he was coming on Sun. I said "Ok" I thought it would have been considered of him to call me and update me on when he would get here.  I prayed and thought about it, because I hadn't called him earlier because I didn't want to upset him or hear his impatient, short tempered   remarks/attitude, he would have said he had told me he coming Sun, which he hadn't, if he did it was iffy.

I decided why let him drive 60+miles to see me when I know it has to end, I don't deserve to be with someone that I'm afraid to pick up the phone and call him to clarify something because I think he will be short tempered or impatient with me.  I told him I needed to rethink our relationship and not to come.

I haven't heard a word from him, I hope I didn't hurt him, I do miss him, but hindsight, I can see a lot of his behavior was due to his addiction.  And I decided I don't need another addict in my life with the ones I have already, I would get rid of them if I could.  Just shows how sick I really am to have been involed with him in the 1st. place. 

I'm lonely and with having to deal with all of my daughters and grandson's behavior the past few weeks, it's been really difficult.  I'm praying for a healthy relationship, I do stay busy with alanon, church, friends and family (the ones that I can deal with)

Pray for me and A/A's in my life.

Gettingitright!!