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((((KLotus)))) For what it's worth, your posts awhile back provided me with a lot of courage, insight and support when I was trying to make the decision whether to stay with my AH or separate. Once I left, I knew that I had done the right thing. The decrease in the amount of drama/stress in my life allowed me to work on me and my recovery. So thank you! Sending my support back to you right now.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 17th of July 2013 01:02:57 PM
Klotus: I've had several intimate relationships in my lifetime. Only one marriage. Each relationship taught me a little more about myself, about life, about what I wanted and needed at each new stage of growth. I outgrew some. I grew uncomfortable in some. I was painfully difficult in some. And - they all helped me grow. I didn't always know that at the time, but they did. I didn't repeat any of the same behaviors in each new relationship because I had grown. I believe that you wanted your relationship to work and tried to do your part to make it work and then when it wasn't working anymore, admitted it, faced it and began to chart a new course for your life. And it sounds as if you've chosen Al-Anon to help you re-create your life now to fit who you've grown to become and where you want to go. I've learned in my experience that there is no bad guy in a relationship that ends. Just two imperfect human beings trying to figure out the best ways to live their lives. I'm glad that you are here.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 17th of July 2013 07:13:14 PM
I am back again, writing on the issue of grief over leaving my AH, and an abusive marriage.
In my heart, I know I want more for myself, deserve more, and so does my child. God keeps moving me forward, somehow, even when I don't want to do this. I am re-working steps 1-3, though I'm also doing my 5th step. I want to own what is/was mine, not just what he twisted, abused, and manipulated. Most importantly, however, I want to hand my marriage, my child, my past, my ego, my life and my heart over to God.
I am seeing how what I am mourning is so much bigger than my marriage - and, really, all evidence points to my grieving the idea, the illusion of what the marriage was, of who my husband was, and what it all could be. I tried. I tried SO hard. I wanted it to work. I loved, and still love. I opened up, made myself vulnerable. Yet, I still ask, was it me?
It's interesting - now that the protection order has been lifted, his mother is taking opportunities to manipulate, insert comments and questions during hand offs with my child. Perhaps I will see things more clearly as time goes on. I pray for clarity.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I want to own what is/was mine, not just what he twisted, abused, and manipulated. Most importantly, however, I want to hand my marriage, my child, my past, my ego, my life and my heart over to God. I am seeing how what I am mourning is so much bigger than my marriage - and, really, all evidence points to my grieving the idea, the illusion of what the marriage was, of who my husband was, and what it all could be. I tried. I tried SO hard.
Dear KLotus, I hear ya, and I relate....what really was MINE?? in all those dysfunctional relationships I had...what really was mine???? the 12 steps helped me big time with that and yes, I made amends after owning it, acepting it and saying "yep, I own this one" "this was my part in the breakup or dissolution of a relationship" and I owned it, asked my higher power within to help me let it go and yep, the ole amends,,,then I was DONE....no going back and rehasing...an amend to me is a closure for me and the other party if they accept it..(not my business)
yea, the "ideals" of what could have been, what I had wanted, etc....life doesn't alwasy equal my ideals..so I had to address my ideals...what are realistic..what are not??? and deal.....
for me the mourning was over my losses, my pain, my miss opportunities, I had to grieve and cry over it all b4 I could say "Ok, it sucks, but it is what it is and I cannot give it back to me" then I am able to make my peace with my pain and move on.....hard, but necessary if I want to grow
please keep coming back...U R sooo not alone
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I can so relate and I had to detach big time from the exAH and exMIL, things changed for me afterwards, but I am now better off and healthier than ever. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You had a role in it of course. You were 1/2 of that relationship. That doesn't mean the abuse, his alcoholism, or the relationship ending were your fault. If things happened "because of you" I would suggest looking at it nonjudgementally of yourself in that whatever bad things you might have contributed were because you didn't know better and were just going with what you had at the time.
Furthermore, there is the possibility that for some things - it was "nobody's fault" and it was just a bad dynamic and not a good match between you two.
As you are emerging from a really toxic and difficult relationship with an addict and abuser, of course there is a lot of work to be done on you. There is work to be done in terms of getting your esteem back, reclaiming your identity and what you do have power over - but there is a super painful process of evaluating what happened to you to make you engage in that sick relationship for as long as you did. That is the really hard part in my opinion. Just remember while you are doing that, the relationship is over so the answers are helpful to avoid future negative relationships - but they aren't going to make you compatible with him again....In other words it's not crucial enough to rip yourself over.
Lastly, you may never reach perfect insight about what happened, who you were, why you did what you did....At some point you might detach so much that you stop caring so much and that is also okay.
Lastly, you may never reach perfect insight about what happened, who you were, why you did what you did....At some point you might detach so much that you stop caring so much and that is also okay.
U know?? thinking of my life...the why's and the how come's and the accusations that being abused was something defective in me, etc., by toxic siblings.....Looking at this last line, I see something......I may NEVER know why I had to experience what I experienced, I may never know why the responses I got when I got into recovery, from my bio family were what they were....I may never know why I was even IN that family b/c I am sooooo not like them...I may never know why my sister hates me as much as she does.....
BUT I am detaching bit by bit, first the physical cutting them off....and distancing myself from others who, tho toxic, are not as bad...walking my separate path........AND detaching to the point where....I just don't care anymore.....I am arriving at that point.....I just don't care.....I wish them well...Never any harm, but, really......I have taken my power back b/c they just don't matter enough to hurt me anymore....I still dont know why that family of origin was so against me and its OK...I have loving family of choice...people I grew up with or relationships that are 30 plus years.....its OK....I am loved by the right people for me.........I hope this made sense, reading Pinkchip's post really explained some stuff to me............
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
For me I have to remember what I know .. and that is the person my STBAX has shown me he is .. and he's just not a nice guy. The disease is not nice or pretty. Someday he might get out of that whole funk .. the reality is this .. you have a drunk horse thief .. you take the drunk out of the equation .. he's still a horse thief. Tread carefully, because it sounds like his mother wants you to see him how she sees him .. that's a fantasy .. that's not real life. Physical sobriety is not emotional sobriety .. this guy doesn't sound like he's a nice drunk, so he's got a ways to go.
I know my own truth when it comes to the STBAX .. other people are fooled by him still and question me ALL of the time .. the truth is .. he's a drunk and he does what drunks do .. which is whatever it is that makes him feel good in the moment and neglects his responsibilities .. all of them.
That's why focusing on me and working my own program is so very important .. I don't have to prove who he is .. I just need to stand by my own truth and who I am.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow. Insights. Thank you for helping me to see that I am not alone, and to focus on me, to keep my side of the street clean.
Some very interesting thoughts: That a drunken horse thief, without the alcohol, is still a horse thief; That we may just not be compatible (that is really hard for me); it is true, that his mother does want me to see him the way she does (the sad thing is that I did, for so long, and sometimes still want to - an illusion); that getting healthy will likely NOT make me compatible with him once again; that I need to examine what led me to him, and why I stayed.
One mistake I am making is continuing to wonder if his not drinking, and going to therapy could make us compatible:
We have been here before, several times. I have left three times in four years of marriage, and previously gone back. I have met with four divorce attorneys if four years...
We've been through counselors, together and separately; he has been through inpatient AND outpatient rehab, I am in ACA and Al-Anon to work on adult child and codependency issues (x 4 years now). The only thing he refuses to do is go to AA. He is too intelligent for that apparently. His mother told me that she doesn't need Al-Anon, because she "should be running that program" (she is a social worker). I wonder, why doesn't he love me enough to simply be kind to me, and treat me like his WIFE? As though our incompatibility signals that I am defective. Yes, he basically told me I am - and pretended that he is the only person who has my best interest at heart. If only I would fix myself, my "invisible systemic issue," then we would have a shot at working out. If only I would stop going to my meetings, and find the right counselor.
I have even had a counselor, who evaluated my soon to be ex AH, tell me that my AH can't be in relationships, that he is not doing the work he needs to do, and that it is in my best interest to leave. He TOLD me that. KL, you need to not just listen, but really hear the messages you are being given.
Continuing to tell myself that I am defective is NOT working my program, and is NOT helping me to recover. Continuing to see his behavior as me not being good enough for him to love me is NOT reality, truth, or helping me to recover either.
I feel like I need an exorcist! To get this poison out of my head.
KL
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I feel like I need an exorcist! To get this poison out of my head.
KL
LOL...not AT you but WITH you...I, am in same boat....I leave here, thinking "oh I am ok...I can make it......." NOT!!!!! I am back as of 2-3 weeks ago, tail between my legs, working my program...
I was watching very high profile murder trial on tv and internet...got all coda about it and thought "OMG....I need to go back home (MIP) and fast"
this program is my exorcist....If I dont' work on me daily and regularly I get into my head and that is where , what I call the "itty bitty shitty comittee" lives.... MIP, meets, literature, worksheets on steps, slogans are my exorcist......Joint the club, and KNOW U R not alone.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
