The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
afraid of what I'll discover about what I did to my kids/my marriage
no where to turn
will I ever stop crying?
Welcome to the board and I love your knick cause it is soooo hopeful and a response to bullet 5. Child of an alcoholic...many of us are children of the disease of alcoholism...there is hope...it starts with tiny steps. My alcoholic has been dead of 20 years...and the disease is still alive...I am still a carrier of it until I learn to insulate my self mind, body, spirit and emotions from its affects. 59 years of age isn't a draw back as soon as I learn to live one day at a time and incorporate the program of recovery and what I learn from it into the next day and then the next as I get them. Fear it's too late for happiness...happiness is an inside job; a choice the fullfillment of the wish and it comes more easily when I practice letting go of the negatives. Afraid of what I'll discover about what I did to my kids/my marriage and excited about what good I did for them when I could have done damage. No one/nothing is all bad and I must remember that I did the best I could with what I had then. No where to turn...where are you at now...how did you find this family...what can we share with you to help you understand that we too were once hopeless until we did what you have done here also. The family will come forward with Experiences, Strengths and Hopes...take what you like...leave the rest for later. As best you can follow the suggestions because those come from real; not imagined healing. Cry now out of gratitude and relief because you have found help and if you keep an open mind you will find more of it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 17th of July 2013 11:57:36 AM
I. Was there anyone as screwed up as me? Are these accurate thoughts for someone just coming into the program? Are these victim statements? Am I talking like a victim?
Dear SerenitySoon Welcome to Miracles in Progress.
I copied the last portion of your post so that I would be sure to answer that first.
Yes I was that" screwed up" when I arrived at the doors of alanon face to face meetings. You are not alone. I could have written your post about fearing that I had injured everyone on the planet and in my own family. I was also" Fearful to look inside because I thought I would find the" Tasmanian devil" and nothing positive.
In alanon we so understand these feelings and fears. We too have lived with the disease of alcoholism and have denied our feelings, pretended that all was well. We"Acted as If" and raised our children with values that we were taught. We have lived too long stuffing our feelings and pretending all is well . I am glad you found us. You have a great deal to contribute to the meetings. By simply attending your attendance serves as witness to another's sharing and in time you will find your voice and we will witness your inner sharing. This is how we recover and grow.
It is a process and we look for progress no perfection It is good that you are feeling your feelings and expressing them.Please continue with your face to face meetings and come here often. You are not alone
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 17th of July 2013 04:39:11 PM
afraid of what I'll discover about what I did to my kids/my marriage
no where to turn
will I ever stop crying?
Ohhhh I saw the "fear it is too late for happiness" OH Nooooo it is NOT....I was 56 when I got into recovery...67 now......I am glad I glommed onto the program because happiness can come late, too...why do we have to be young to find ourselves and to attract through our thoughts happier conditions??? WE do NOT have to be young to begin a new and better life............
Oh please believe me when I tell you how glad I am that you are here at ANY age.....as to discovery???? the steps will gently lead you through this and the fact that you CARE and you want to address it, that is all that creation expects of you.....
you have US to turn to........
and yes, the tears will stop when the grieving is over with....so let them flow.....let them clease your anger and pain and sorrow and grief..
Tears are to me "liquid prayers" to whatever higher power you believe in or feel comfortable with.....
Tears are cleansing for the spirit......Please keep coming back....and please, I urge you to get into meetings and get a sponsor to guide you through the 12 steps that will set you free of all the self blame and shame...I know...I was there....I had a lot of amends to make to my kids, family and friends, but the biggest amend I had to work was the amend I owed to me and my Creator....
It does get better....I promise you..it gets better if you work on you and work your program and stick w/it.......YOU are WORTH IT........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I can't type for the tears...how can I feel the experience, strength, and hope when I have nothing to give back to anyone? I feel like I will take 'what I need' and there won't be anything to leave because I will need it all. I'll just use everyone's help and give nothing in return.
Right now everything is overwhelming. What I read. What I hear at a meeting. What I share after a meeting. I feel so vulnerable, so raw, so laid bare, so afraid. Afraid of what I will discover about myself that was true all along. That I was/am a bad wife. I did screw up my kids because I'm an ACOA. They are living the life I taught them to lead because of my brokenness. That I still love my husband but he , although not an alcoholic, is the compulsive individual who fed my fears of abandonment, my hopelessness.
What will take it's place if I'm not in control, or thinking about others (my son who is going through a separation which was the catalyst for me finding AlAnon), or worrying for everyone and everything...
I hear in my few meetings that there is hope, there are choices to discover, there are people like me but I am so filled with unshed tears and unfelt grief that I think that is the only thing left to feel.
I'm hesitant to take on a sponsor because I'm afraid that I will bother her(him) about trivial things, or bug her(him) when she(he's) busy. Or I won't be able to help them in anyway...knowing full well that I'M not THEIR sponsor but you see, I'm already taking responsibility for something I couldn't possibly provide anyone at this time.
Was there anyone as screwed up as me?
Are these accurate thoughts for someone just coming into the program? Are these victim statements? Am I talking like a victim?
DEar Serenity IF it is ok w/U (praying that it is) I will answer this lovely post with my esh in blue oK??? like a "surrogate" sponsor might do...My sponsees love it when I do this b/c they always knew i wanted to address all their stuff
I can't type for the tears...how can I feel the experience, strength, and hope when I have nothing to give back to anyone? I feel like I will take 'what I need' and there won't be anything to leave because I will need it all. I'll just use everyone's help and give nothing in return.
Tears are good...let them cleans you...let them comfort you like a warm, inner shower, cleansing the hurt, releasing the pain...an thank heavens you can FEEL to cry...I couldn't for about 2 years into recovery......"nothing to give back"???? what is this???? U give YOU...and so what??? U will give and recycle this wonderful program WHEN U CAN...IN the meatime, sweetie, lean on us....I set limits on how much pain I can read and I take breaks, so no worries..."need it all" Yep...I needed everyone too...I gave zero for quite a while., or so I thought...just showing up w/my heart in my hand and my open posts and my honest shares, I WAS giving...I just did not know it...Just like you are giving....the newest newbie has no clue how much they have to give...U R giving your heart....your share...your pain and your experience to us.....and its OK "to be a user when you start out"....you will give when U are ready......no worries
Right now everything is overwhelming. What I read. What I hear at a meeting. What I share after a meeting. I feel so vulnerable, so raw, so laid bare, so afraid. Afraid of what I will discover about myself that was true all along. That I was/am a bad wife. I did screw up my kids because I'm an ACOA. They are living the life I taught them to lead because of my brokenness.
Yep...I felt like a ton of rocks was falling on me......and yep, feeling vulnerable, tho, OPENS you to new ideas...new concepts....feeling raw??? thank goodness you can FEEL....laid bare??? yea, being honest makes ya feel that way and it is a good thing...afraid?? I was scared S**&*L*ss at first....and oh yea, "what was i gonna find about me?? OMG....was i the monster from hell???? NOPE...not even close....Just a wounded soul who was bleeding from her heart and needing help and love...thats all......bad wife??? I thought it took "2 to tango"....yea, maybe you had just your part, but his part was all his.....I made mistakes with my kids too...one is a passive aggressive coda the other is in her program doing fine.....I made amends to them....made amends to them for being so over protective....I was too lenient b/c i was so abused as a child I swore I would never be that kind of parent...so I let them run wild almost...... AND kids hae their own souls....they are resillent and its amazing how good a child, grown or young will respond to "honey I messed up a lot w/you , lets talk...I want to make amends and take responsibility for my mistakes and talk to me if and when you are ready"
That I still love my husband but he , although not an alcoholic, is the compulsive individual who fed my fears of abandonment, my hopelessness. What will take it's place if I'm not in control, or thinking about others (my son who is going through a separation which was the catalyst for me finding AlAnon), or worrying for everyone and everything...
"still love my husband" well?? either he had something to be lovable about, OR you loved the "Ideal" of what you had hoped he would be.....and I would first take care of me and achieve self discovery and self 4giveness and self love THEN all the other stuff will fall into place re: ??S you have on the above items
I hear in my few meetings that there is hope, there are choices to discover, there are people like me but I am so filled with unshed tears and unfelt grief that I think that is the only thing left to feel.
you BET there is hope....and new and healthy choices....and you are no different than anyone else in program....as to the "unshed tears" they will come as you peel off the layers of pain that was piled upon you, layer by layer and when you get down to that CORE of you, your are going to discover that you are special...unique....have our own special gifts to give and you will share those gifts...in a healthy way.....
I'm hesitant to take on a sponsor because I'm afraid that I will bother her(him) about trivial things, or bug her(him) when she(he's) busy. Or I won't be able to help them in anyway...knowing full well that I'M not THEIR sponsor but you see, I'm already taking responsibility for something I couldn't possibly provide anyone at this time.
"bother him or her" what do ya think a sponsor is THERE for???? to be "bothered" by your very important recovery path....I don't take anyone on unless i got the time and energy for them...if i can't do a good job by them b/c of something goin on in my life i just lovingly tell them.....so no worries aout bothering your sponsor.....U R soo sweet and kind to care for your "sponsor".....and no worries about helping....as considerate as I see you are just from reading your post, you will give a TON when you are able....
Was there anyone as screwed up as me? Are these accurate thoughts for someone just coming into the program? Are these victim statements? Am I talking like a victim?
I was sooo messed up , i considered suicide....that is how bad I was....i was in a rage, anger so bad it had a color----RED----smoking hot anger at my childhood and the outragees done to me.....yea, I was plenty messed up....a ball of anger....a bucket of fear....I was REAL bad messed up....program helped me b/c I was eager for recovery....hungry for a healthy life.........if one is open....honest.....willing....and i mean honest with self and your maker and then safe others.......anyone can heal and progress.....I am a "lifer" here....with my kind of injuries that I received growing up, I am a "lifer" but now i say instead of being on "death row" in my spirit and thinking I am on "LIFE row".....I am living....loving....learning....
Please keep coming back.....Please know that U R just a hurt soul, who needs encouragment and some guidance....I see a very very considerate and loving soul under neath your tears and your pain, so no worries about having to "borrow" our experience and our strength and our HOPE................HUGSSSSSSSSSS Big time
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
This will make sense to you as you progress in al anon. You are right where your HP wants you, broken and reaching for help from your pain. You are open and raw and your ego is shattered and how wonderful that is. Sounds crazy, huh? Ask yourself, though, can I stand the thought of living with the misery one more day? All of us have been where you are...we had a long climb out of the rabbit hole to see the light and we keep climbing! On sponsorship, being a sponsor is an honor and a gift for both sides. You cannot fathom giving anything to anyone because you have nothing left to give, but you can and you will with recovery through the 12 steps. Trust us...which I also understand is difficult for you, again, we all know that difficulty. Keep coming back!
I came here bruised and broken and was loved and healed through other al-anoners here and in my face to face meetings and with my sponsor. Now I have some in my overflow to give since my re4serve tank is full. Keep coming back. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
This will make sense to you as you progress in al anon. You are right where your HP wants you, broken and reaching for help from your pain. You are open and raw and your ego is shattered and how wonderful that is. Sounds crazy, huh? Ask yourself, though, can I stand the thought of living with the misery one more day? All of us have been where you are...we had a long climb out of the rabbit hole to see the light and we keep climbing! On sponsorship, being a sponsor is an honor and a gift for both sides. You cannot fathom giving anything to anyone because you have nothing left to give, but you can and you will with recovery through the 12 steps. Trust us...which I also understand is difficult for you, again, we all know that difficulty. Keep coming back!
hey Paula, I wish this was like Facebook, so I could click a HUGE like on this post.....Amen, my friend!!!!
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You don't have all that power over anybody or anything . Your part of the picture but not all of the picture.
Purge yourself if you must. Make your amends and move on.
Step 11.- Sought through prayer and meditation fo improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
This is how we fill ourselves up with conscious contact with our HP, in that amends don't forget yourself.
There's a lot of us who come and post at this board. Let yourself go and grow with us. There's always someone who will be here to help you see your way through.
