The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, B. Welcome to MIP. There are folks who will connect with you here who can better answer some of your questions. I am going to respond to what you're saying in your last paragraph - "they really don't get the magnitude of living with an A." I don't know if my friends got it or not, but I didn't want to overburden them with my issues either. Their lives were very different than mine when it came to alcoholism and they don't see the danger in it that I do because they haven't experienced the magnitude of living with an A.
With that said and based on my experience in Al-Anon for many years and on this board for a relatively short amount of time (since 12/2012), this program is a very good program where people do understand the magnitude of the disease and when some of us can't respond to you, others do. There are many, many people on this board and there are probably several meetings you can attend for face-to-face support that you will welcome and be grateful for as the disease progresses or is arrested (not cured).
Hope you keep coming back. \
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 16th of July 2013 08:55:35 PM
I'm new to Al-Anon. I have been a co-dependent to a HFA for several years. Believe it or not, it took me several years to figure out he was drinking as much as he was. The more I read, the more I realize that HFA's are really good at hiding their use. After we got married and I moved in, I started realizing how bad it was. I sat by numerous times when he detoxed at home.
Tomorrow I am going back to therapy for ME. We are not living together, but have made feeble attempts to reconnect. I moved out after an episode involving my son and AH. My son figured out long ago that the drinking in our house wasn't normal and he has no respect for the man I married. So I took my son and moved. That was 2 years ago. I wouldn't say things were ugly, but over time I found myself enjoying my freedom, friends, and hobbies again. While I was there, we did very little because AH preferred to stay home and drink where it's safe.
He had a relapse recently (July 2013) after I took him to detox in March 2012. This time I refused to be used again. I told him to call his parents (who foolishly believe I'm the problem). After several mean e-mails and texts, AH has set forth terms - ha! He will attend 8 counseling sessions once I find a therapist. And (outside of therapy) he will only communicate with me on how we can go back to living as husband & wife OR how we dissolve our marriage.
This is what I think....I'm going to go to counseling so I can get my self-esteem back and get stronger emotionally. However, I believe his "terms" are HFA BS. He needs to go to therapy and a group for help. He's very angry that I let his "secret" out to his parents, but they understood back in March 2012, and told me that I should have asked for their support long before. Well, that's not the case so much now. I know he has told his version of events and blamed a lot of it on the behavior of my son in his house and the fact that I "abandoned" the marital home. My son has struggled with his anger issues and his own substance abuse (pot). That was the only thing the 2 teenagers connected on.
I'm feeling guilty that I exposed my son to this dysfunctional lifestyle and that it has affected him. To say I was the only sober one is the house sounds so ridiculous because one would think that I would have seen it much earlier and taken measures to protect myself and my family. But I believed that by marriage, I should be there to support AH and help him get treatment for his disease. Well, not so much anymore.
I have great friends who understand my situation and they love me for me. They don't judge me for living apart from him.
Tomorrow I go to the therapist (I think I found a good one that specializes in alcoholism and he's a male) My AH is very proud and arrogant because of his career successes. He refused to attend AA last year, but now claims he's going to attend SmartRecovery.
I would love to stay married and have a loving relationship, but I think he is the one who needs the majority of the therapy, etc. He's in his early 50's and his previous wife divorced him probably for the same reasons. I know I need counseling for myself, but his terms are silly. IMO, he's in no position to be the one setting terms.
I have decided that he must prove he is truly in recovery - How long does that take? How can I know that he really is committed to sobriety. He is still in denial that he needs to make amends to my family and his. His most recent relapse (so he claims) happened at a business conference and he couldn't say NO to the alcohol being provided. What does that mean? Isn't that something a grown man should be able to refuse? I had told him to politely excuse himself for a "phone call" take his drink and dump it OR better yet, just say "Sorry guys, not for me". Certainly sobriety is an accepted way of life for many. I have never been insulted if someone doesn't order a drink nor have I been afraid to say NO. This behavior tells me there are far greater issues in his emotional self. I've been told insecurity, shame, needing to be in control are some common attributes for A's.
I'm not going to rush divorce since I'm very content with my living situation, and I don't need that added stress at this time. I go through bouts of depression because I "failed" again - my weight has increased and because he left his job and recently began a new one after a year of being out of work, finances are tough. Thankfully, the last thing I have considered is drinking when I'm down. However, I do eat. I have changed my eating habits lately and am making some lifestyle changes of my own.
I guess I'm rambling on, but my real question is do I agree to his "terms" even though he tells me his family thinks he's crazy for staying with me or do I just end the marriage? At his age, I don't know how likely he is to relapse again without baring his soul and committing to treatment. I'm more emotionally detached from him then ever and I don't know how much more time I want to invest.
I'm going to discuss this with the therapist. I know I need support of more than just my friends because as much as they care about me, they really don't get the magnitude of living with an A. I don't want our friendships to continue to focus on my issues. I want to enjoy my time with my friends. They have been in my life for decades. They've seen the change in me over the years.
the way I am reading this is that you live separately now??? did I read that right???
if you are, I would leave it status quo , if this were me...#1, I would not let him manipulate me with his "terms"..I would just get into program and start working it....
I would get myself into meetings, get a sponsor , work the steps and I would just let this just "sit" and just work on me
U don't have to hurry to court to divorce, I understand finances..when I left my AH #1, I had no money no nothing, but I found a way to get out...didn't file for 2 years b/c I knew he wouldn't , he didn't want the divorce and OH yea, he had his "terms" too, I had to "behave" in certain ways for him to decide to work on the marriage, which did not include him getting into AA , it was all MY problems and MY fault
So i left...
didn't file for a while b/c I didn't have the $$, however, I wish I knew about alanon back then, b/c I didn't really have any help except this wonderful guy who was a good friend of mine and we kinda supported each other and ended up together
HE was an A too, but polar opposite to the mean #1....this guy we lasted for 12 years b/c he was so nice, but I had to tell him in May 2000 that we get into AA and alanon or we split....
I was DONE, repeating the same ole mistakes....I didn't get into alanon till 2002 but I got in, and I have not looked back
I am helping me, healing me, through this program
If i was in your shoes, I would just "marry" the program and work all its suggestions...focus on you and let him do what he has to do...let him learn the lessons he needs to learn...you have your own stuff to deal with , we all do...
so that is why it is paramount that you focus only on getting you recovering and doing better, learning self love and self awareness and learning how to take good care of you so you make healthier choices an do healthier things/ associiate with healthier people
this program is the best thing in the world and its free.....I am getting help i need...
I work the steps and work the boards here and go to online meets.....
noone can tell you what to do, I am basing my post, here, on my experiences.....I can't fix anyone but me...I cannot change anyone but me....I cannot even cure me, I can put my coda in remission by working the program, but I cannot cure my codependency, I can keep it in remission only by working the program.....for life....
this is a way of life, not a fad or a spiritual diet..it is a new and good way of life.
I urge you to go to meetings....fac2fac or on line, and to get a sponsor to guide you on the 12 steps....also I would get as much literature as I could...you know a lot of my alanon literature, I got in thrift shops and 1/2 price books and used from amazon.com.....they are available.....I had to use my head an be resourceful but I got my books.....
I hope U can get into the program and find a healthier footing and life for yourself.....If AH does not or does get into recovery he would have to stay there for life for things to work, or he is just going to keep drinking or sliding if he does not work program and what do ya have??? the misery and financial and emotional fall out from alcoholism......
I just told you what I would do, please take what you can use and discard the rest and I wish you good luck in what you do
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you for the feedback. Yes, we do already live separately and I agree to leave things as they are - I don't need anymore on my plate. I'm glad that I am seeing his "terms" for what they are - just another control tactic on his part. I know he would rather have me file for d so he doesn't feel any responsibility.
It's got to be all about ME for now. He needs to take the same approach. I've been so unconditional up till now - now it's time for me to decide if and when we ever live together again. At first I thought he needs me there for the support, but there are too many programs that are designed for that. He can use that support.
I have a friend that's already offered me her Al-Anon books. I'm getting them this week. In addition, I have received several books from friends on the 12 steps, etc.
One person gave me some advice years ago: "You won't know who he really is until he stops drinking" I am gonna have to wait and see if that's a person who will emerge and whether or not I want to spend my life with him. The ball's in his court at this point.
Aloha B...welcome to the board...there is a wealth of experiences, strengths and hopes from the MIP fellowship/family. Look for the similarities to your condition and see what it is that was done that helped the poster. This site isn't an approved Al-Anon site and doesn't need to be. The majority do attend and have attended face to face Al-Anon meetings for a while and "work" the program...follow suggestions on how others do it. I've been an Al-Anon member for a long time...it saved my sanity and life. Yes I also use to pay counselors...psycologists and psychiatrists and then most of the healing has come from these step programs. I am also a member of AA and have been a alcoholism and substance abuse behavioral health therapist. I've been around and still work recovery for my peace of mind and serenity.
Woman I spoke with who said their husband was a Hight Functioning Alcoholic I ask "where is he now, how was your marriage, why are you crying"? and other questions. "If you are his partner; wife and you are alone and your relationship very contentious...he ain't high functioning. He's not doing his proper part".
Great for you starting to take care of yourself and not expecting him to dictate, control and manipulate. Stay awake for youself and learn to detach from this disease and his compulsion to continue getting sick and insane. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body, however it is also an allergy of the family, the spouse, the kids and everyone else. He drinks and everyone is affected...count the numbers in your family and circle of friends who have been affected and you will be amazed and how powerful alcoholism is!!
If he cannot take care of himself he is not qualified to take care of you or make decisions on how things are going to go. He is altered...mind, body, spirit and emotions. Like you who seek out others with recovery experiences he must also. If he refuses...Oh well!! Try this bit of recovery awareness that we in the program have learned over 65 years. It is called the 3cees of Al-Anon.
We didn't CAUSE it...We can't CONTROL it...We will not CURE it. Alcoholism can never be cured (American Medical Association def.) it can only be arrested by total abstinence. He's got to understand and accept that or it continues to bring him closer to insanity and death. There is no justification for you to follow along.
Practice the 3cees and let the guilt diminish. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Yes, we do already live separately and I agree to leave things as they are - I don't need anymore on my plate. I'm glad that I am seeing his "terms" for what they are - just another control tactic on his part. It's got to be all about ME for now. He needs to take the same approach. I've been so unconditional up till now - now it's time for me to decide if and when we ever live together again. At first I thought he needs me there for the support, but there are too many programs that are designed for that. He can use that support. I have a friend that's already offered me her Al-Anon books. I'm getting them this week. In addition, I have received several books from friends on the 12 steps, etc. One person gave me some advice years ago: "You won't know who he really is until he stops drinking" I am gonna have to wait and see if that's a person who will emerge and whether or not I want to spend my life with him. The ball's in his court at this point.
Thank you, B
Hey no worries...LOVE your attitude....and yep...ball is in his court......U r on the right track....making the commitment to take care of you and let him learn his own lessons, walk his own path.....and its true....u won't even know who he is until not only he quits, but works his program for a year or ttwo......if he doens't commit like you??? U will see that in short order and that will tell you and I'll tell ya someting else....AS you grow...AS you heal, you just may outgrow him, especially if he is not in recovery....U will see yourself tossing out all the unhealthy crap and people that u let get rancid in your life.....ME??? I cut out 95% of my bio family b/c when I got recovered enough, I saw what toxins they were and like a bad tooth, I pulled them out and tossed them, some of them I speak to but I keep serious distance from them..... its like i tell people........I am OUT of the bargain basement and now I have move me upstairs where they keep the other jewels...under glass and shining.....My taste in people, places and things have changed to the good...I just don't except emotionally unavailable people, things that detract from me or places that do the same..........recovery changed me and my family attacked me...they wanted me coda and sick so they coudl abuse me........well??? I took their punching bag away.....they can't push my buttons anymore b/c I took them away.....I took my life and my power back......program did this for me......alanon, the steps, the slogans, the literature, the meetings, the fellowship with REAL people did it for me................PEACE and keep coming back ok????? this program really works.......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
