The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm new to this online forum and looking forward to gaining from everyone's experience, strength, & hope. I've been in alanon for about 1.5 yrs now and am working steps 1 & 2 with my sponsor.
I'm making progress, but really struggle when my husband goes out of town for work. I've come to realize that I oftentimes make him my HP and spend my day concerned with what he thinks about me, if he loves me, if he'll abandon me, etc. I am working on self-care, but it's so difficult to take the focus off of him and place it onto myself.
He just left for a week long trip and I feel a little lost - I want to control by reading his emails & telling him about my insecurities (I never express these things to him & play it cool 99% of the time. I fear that he'll meet someone else ultimately because my self-esteem is extremely low. I know it's irrational, but sometimes I feel so low, scared, and abandoned. I'm just waiting on him to let me down and betray me.
I've made plans for the nights that he is away, but can anyone help with the temptation to tap into every little thing that he is up to? It puts me in such a dark space and I really dream of a day in which I can just live for myself.
you say I'm making progress, but really struggle when my husband goes out of town for work. I've come to realize that I oftentimes make him my HP and spend my day concerned with what he thinks about me, if he loves me, if he'll abandon me, etc. I am working on self-care, but it's so difficult to take the focus off of him and place it onto myself.
HI...WElcome to our MIP family and You came to the right place.....
Good u got a sponsor......good U r in program.....are you going to meetings???? those are GREAT for fellowship and sharing and just building each other up in a positive way
I had and still battle w/low self esteem, from my upbringing with alcohol abuse and just abuse....I struggle with it, but I work my program and feel a HECK of a lot better about me when I am working my program
I would if I were you,
ask sponsor about meets and start them...she can guide you
keep working on the steps....
read the literature
read this board and absorb the posts and the ESH you get on these posts.
I know what its like to fear abandonment......being down on myself I feared being dumped, kicked to the curb, etc., but now in recovery its not anywhere near as bad b/c as I get healthier in me, working my program, I feel better about me and OK if they don't want me??? I will not die
if they do want me, its gotta be "as is" no trying to change me....I will change me by working my program and I am changing for the better......
sounds like U R on a good start....I am glad u have a sponsor guiding you in the steps....when you get to step 4, the inventory, you will find out why you fear abandonment...was it parents?? or grandparent??/ or a bad relationship that went sour???? you will find out when you get there, this all takes time and we need to take it easy on ourselves, yes, work hard, but also "easy does it" (a favorite slogan of mine) and that means lets don't be hard on ourselves b/c we think we are going too slow or not moving fast enough on a particular issue
It will come...hard work in this program has changed me 180 degrees....I still at times fear abandonment, but it does not rule my life, and even if they did leave me, I am OK being with me....I have enough of a relationship with ME (which is what it should be) that I am ok if i lose someone
to make another person my higher power, by fearing them leaving me so much, creates tension in me, it makes it hard on the other and a lot of times it can tank a relationship b/c the other can't handle all that being so needy
I know b/c I have lost relationships b/c I was soo afraid of being dumped and abandoned, that what I "feard has come upon me"....
I urge you to keep working hard on you and the sponsor and steps working I am happy u r doing that...and I would urge you to get on here, read, and share, and just let the love in this community sink in for you to just drink it up
we are here..we are listening.............PEACE and again, WELCOME to our group....LOTS of good stuff on these posts.....jump in and learn a better way of life............Take care
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
A wise therapist once told me that what a healthy person thinks is, "No matter what happens, I'll be okay." One thing that drove my extreme anxiety over my ex was that I felt that if he left me, I wouldn't be okay. Of course everyone is sad when they don't want a relationship to break up and it does. But I had a fear that went beyond sadness. I was terrified. That was a terrible state to be in.
I can envision two possible scenarios that might be the case in your situation. One is that you (like many of us) are used to anxiety and unreliable people, maybe from your family of origin, and that carries over and infects other relationships unless you're careful. Knowing how to detach from our F.E.A.R (False Evidence Appearing Real) and soothe ourselves can be so vital. Or else fearfulness can take over even the safest situations. In this case, not brooding and dwelling on things has been my salvation (hard though it is).
The other scenario is that maybe your husband really is unreliable. Maybe he's not very reassuring, maybe he's given you cause to worry about his faithfulness, maybe he blows hot and cold, maybe he's a kind of "Don't be clingy, I'll do what I want to" dismissive kind of guy. Boy, do I know what it's like to be involved with someone like that. And I got blamed for being anxious about very real patterns of behavior -- patterns that would have made anybody anxious. So it may be that your mind is giving you real signals about the situation, and letting you know that depending on him isn't something you can be sure of.
Only you will know which of those it is. Please take good care of yourself. Hugs.
Aloha SS and welcome to the board and MIP Family...I'd say from my experience that you are truely victim of the disease. For me I use to go from low esteem to no esteem in a flash and my alcoholic/addict was my HP because I made her such. It's not bad just a reaction since she was so focused on drinking and using and all the other stuff that came with it I was left standing in line waiting for my turn. Jealousy was one of the shortcoming I had to work on also including envy and I had a sponsor who use to work on the "opposites" with me. If I hated the emotions of Jealousy and Envy he taught me to work on the opposites of that and get the opposite "positive" feelings and outcomes. The opposites were gratitude for what I had and who I was and daily work on affirmations...self acceptance. The change doesn't come over night because by the time I started the "new" work I had lots of experience with the old thoughts, feelings and negative spirit. We worked that part of the Serenity Prayer,..."courage to change the things I can..." I had to debunk all my negative self talk and image and when my head use to buzz with the put downs I even learned to say out loud no matter where I was...(LOL think crowded mall) "That's not true" or "Give me some time to look at that and with my sponsor and group and I'll get back with you". The guys with the nets never came rushing out to get me. I learned some of the same self talk that you will hear on this board that I am valuable and worthwhile person and child of God". After a while that expanded in awareness of other positive characteristics and my esteem grew. I did a "split page" 4th step with my sponsor...Binder paper folded in the middle and with the list of good stuff about me on the left side and the bad stuff on the right. My sponsor called me up asking if I was ready to move on to the 5th and I said yes so he asked me how many things do I have down on the left side and how many on the right. I had three times the list on the negative side and just a few on the positive. He then told me to throw it away because there is no such thing as more bad than good in a person and that thinking that of myself should also be on the list. Wow!!! really!!! So I did a more searching and fearless inventory and he was right. My self esteem grew bunches. Victims of Alcoholism feel bad about everything until we come to understand. Keep improving on your understanding and heres a tool to help you stay out of his sand box and play only in your own..."mind YOUR OWN business"...just yours and you will do great. (((((hugs))))) in support.
Meanwhile, your works are in front of you. Use all that energy it takes to dedicate yourself to him and use it on you.
I'm so glad you have a sponsor and working the steps, We always have to go back to step one. We are powerless, and that goes for everything, their drinking, their activities. I don't even want to think about what I was like in those days. Then I stopped looking , because I really didnt want to know. I wasnt in a place where I was ready for any other drama to deal with.
I was reading the ODAT book today and came across this poem:
" He that is in perfect peace suspects no one, but he who is discontented and disturbed is tossed about by various suspicions, he is neither quiet himself, nor does he allow others to be quiet."
Thomas A. Kempis
He maybe giving you cause to be suspicious, but thats not the big picture. First you have to use the tools of Alanon and get hold of your serenity.
Best to you in recovery Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 17th of July 2013 02:36:51 AM
I have been exactly where you are! Because of certain things that happened during the course of my marriage, I found myself looking at emails, his phone, his wallet! coat pockets! It was terrible and for me there were a few things that helped: 1) for me, that was no way to live 2) looking through other people's things is not the person I am supposed to be 3) when I looked for things, what was I going to do when I found them?
I know that panic feeling; and as difficult as it is, the best thing you can do is as much as possible put focus on YOU, positively. Like to run? read? beach? shop? coffee w friends? All of those things helped me a lot. Keep coming here too--that saved my sanity more than once!
Letting go is tough, get to meetings and read and keep coming back!
One is that you (like many of us) are used to anxiety and unreliable people, maybe from your family of origin, and that carries over and infects other relationships unless you're careful. Knowing how to detach from our F.E.A.R (False Evidence Appearing Real) and soothe ourselves can be so vital. Or else fearfulness can take over even the safest situations. In this case, not brooding and dwelling on things has been my salvation (hard though it is).
WOW, Mattie, this is gr8...this is me....well my past that is, and yes, it infected my subsequent relationships big time....program showed me how bad it was.......I still have trouble detaching from FEAR of not being able to take care of me....I have to really fight this FEAR.....My whole life was waiting for "who was gonna end up in hospital today????" or what pet was he gonna kill????? really!!! I hae to fight off fear and having financial difficulties is not helping it....the "people fear" has improved greately, bc I am growing a relationship w/me.....but the "will I be able to take care of me b/c I am alone and noone to help me" that is my big fear that I have to detach from all the time......I soothe me by visualizing me riding my horse in the country with nature......I really like this wisdom of yours
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
" He that is in perfect peace suspects no one, but he who is discontented and disturbed is tossed about by various suspicions, he is neither quiet himself, nor does he allow others to be quiet."
Thomas A. Kempis
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 17th of July 2013 02:36:51 AM
WOW..... a real proof of the virtues of detachment and keeping the focus on me and my program......I enjoy my alanon books....half of em i got at g/sales and thrift shops, but hey...its alanon and its helping me.......LOVE this poem.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
