Several days ago we had some dialogue here on verbal abuse.  As life would have it, I had a loved one yell at me in a car on Sunday because they were frustrated no knowing where in the f_ _ _ _they were, on an on (I blocked out the barrage) and needed my direction.  I continued to calmly give them directions and indicated that the verbal abuse was not helpful.  I immediately received an apology for what looked like verbal abuse to me disguised as justification.  I see today that I am slipping into old ways of being and thinkingI lived with varying degrees of verbal abuse most of my life, so this is a tough one to see it for what it ismy slippage is maybe I did something to., maybe I could have handled it differently, it wasnt that bad..etc etc.  And I know what it was for me, I accept my feelings around it and how I handled it.  I was blindsided, I was at the effect of, this is not acceptable behavior towards me and I am a valued, worthwhile woman (I needed to write this so I could see it).  I am going to a meeting shortly I wanted to share this as my heart is hurting.  Thanks for listening.

 

 

PP...I agree with the others...You did good, Really good!!  You didn't add fuel to the fire and responded rather than reacted and in a way that the other person found your value and offered an apology.  Accept it or not is your choice and letting it go or justifying holding on to the pain is also another choice.  Yesterday afternoon I was in court supporting another Hawaiian native in our fight for freedom and self determination.  Before we went into court a policeman came out who I recognized was primarily responsible for the assault on me in November of 2011.  One of the other natives (all of the other natives) recognized him also and said to me "Isn't that Kim" and Kim turned around smiled and gave me a childlike wave.  I didn't return it...I didn't expect him and I know that maybe he is more childlike than a monster inspite of the assault.  I'd rather think and feel things for my benefit...mind, body, spirit and emotions than that which supports my PTSD.  Didn't sleep well last night again.   Have to watch myself today and not take anything for granted.   H.A.L.T.   You done good today...I'm going to duplicate it.   ((((hugs)))) 

I logged on this morning because I have been struggling with this VERY same thing.  Paula, I'm sorry you experienced this but I'm impressed that you are processing it as you are.  I often feel like your posts guide the way for me (and for many of us) so here you are again, addressing something that is really affecting me right now, too. 

I have been separated from my AH for 6 months now, and I've been working a lot with Al-anon tools during that time.  Last week, he had to have a minor surgery, and we connected on the phone over arrangements for me to take him to and get him home from the hospital.  I knew he was anxious about the surgery.  But I got a huge blast of anger about how "it was all my fault," even that the hernias he had were my fault, on and on.  I knew that mostly what I was hearing was his anxiety about the surgery and pent up stuff, and it was that crazy blame stuff that I know intellectually I do not need to accept. I actually hung up at one point to stop the barrage.  And we finally talked again, he deflated and the was all apologetic (as usual).

I've been struggling with this since then, though.  I find myself hearing what he said.  I know it was crazy stuff.  But there' a PTSD-like reaction in me to this sort of thing, I think.  It spins me back to feeling vulnerable and angry and upset and fearful of the unexpected and irrational rants.  I hear how he blames me for everything, and I try to sort out what, if any, blame I actually deserve.  I have been working hard to use the Alanon tools ... but emotionally, I am really having a hard time shaking this.  It has made me feel horrible.  It is hard to know how to get to a place where when that sort of thing happens -- and it will happen, he is still drinking and because of our daughter I can't eliminate all contact -- it doesn't knock my feet out from under me. 

 

So glad you were able to work this all through and got back to us on it, too. My warrior self has quieted down with her sparkly spear and gone to sleep again. Of course, there is nothing she could have done, but she felt the need to rise up anyway. It sounds to me from what you've written that you're feeling loved and safe again. I'm glad you shared your experience from Sunday through today. I learn from you.