50 is looming - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

50 is looming

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm approaching my 50th birthday, and I never dreamed I would be single at this age. I'm posting because I'm scared. I'm doing okay...and taking the kids to the beach today...but it's hard to really enjoy life...when in the back of my mind I am worrying about 1) making ends meet, 2) working so much that life is passing me by -- but have to because of finances and 3) having no one to share my life with.

I have dated a few guys...but none were interested in a real relationship...one broke my heart...I'm feeling alone and I am scared I will always be alone. Many many single women my age in this area...so I'm discouraged...and the old self-deprecating thoughts creep in...am I attractive enough? Is it because I need to lose 20 pounds? what's wrong with me?

ugh. please send esh.

doesn't help that I had to put down my dog of 12 years, my best friend...

feeling low...

RP

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Gosh, RP, I'm really sorry about the loss of your best friend. It hurts to let go of a relationship that has been positive and on-going for 12 years.

Happy birthday coming up, too! 50 years of life experience under your belt with lots of successes and achievements in it to include being 50, your children, getting into Al-Anon, obtaining and keeping a job from what you've written here. Congratulations!

My own life experience has included fears and concerns like yours, lots of work hours, feeling alone and not loveable at times, especially when I'm tired and grieving. It has helped me to nurture myself, use the Serenity prayer, make a gratitude list and remind myself that I am not what I weigh or how I look. I am much, much more than that with or without a partner.

There is a song that I learned many years ago when I was in my 30s struggling to make ends meet, worried about the future and beating myself up because I was on my own. It comes from my faith tradition, but it was a help to me and still is. I'll share a little of the refrain: "Be not afraid. I go before you always. Come, follow me, and I will give you rest." It helps to remind me that I am a child of God who has turned her life into her HP's hands and all will be well because I'm never alone and I will also be loved, cared for and given what I need.

Many hugs, dear sister. Thanks for being who you are on this board. You've helped me many, many times with your shares.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending lots of love, support and early birthday wishes!! I hear you sister-friend and I've got no sage wisdom. I know in my heart I'd rather be alone than in the hell I'd been living in ... only I didn't sign up for this either. Two kids under the age of 18 and no education, no assets .. sometimes things just get overwhelming. I'm really trying to keep the focus on what I have vs what I don't have and not why does the person with the penis (in my case this is true) get to saunter on through life with no worries and no one saying his decisions aren't ok vs I am constantly questioned and second guessed when I make a simple decision my parenting is called into question. I've got a whole plate of fear smothered with this isn't fair tantrum mixed in. I'm really just trying to trust ... trust the process, trust I'm right where I'm suppose to be, trust there is a beautiful outcome at the end of all this, even if I can't understand in the moment what is happening, trusting that faith will triumph over fear. We are roughly the same age .. I am having similar feelings. Hugs p :)

tiredtonite · Member

Happy Birthday! These birthdays with zero in them sure come with a lot of expectations and projections. The big 3 oh, the big 50 ohh!! The birthdays with the nines at the end aren't too great either ... 29 and holding 49 and holding. Holding what?? lol Life on life's terms would flash at me like a big neon sign in an under construction zone on these birthdays. Why? Worry, worry worry. Projection gloom and doom concerning the future. Now I try to not let those defects steal the day I was born away from me. I hope you'll take a deep breath and make a decision to celebrate YOU just as you are. You deserve to have a wonderful birthday. As far as those every day problems, let them go on your day. Fifty ... so what. This is a one day at a time program. :)

I'm really sorry that you had to put your dog down. I've had to do that too and it's a rough one to go through. I hope you find healing where that's concerned. For me, it took time and talking with other people who'd lost their pets. Everyone has different thinking when it comes to animals and I found some people couldn't understand how I could be so upset over losing an animal. Find the people who can empathize because they experienced it really was healing for me. We are having bring your dog to work soon and those of us who have lost ours are bringing our pics and will get to talk about the great dogs we had. Even after some years, I still miss my dog but I've come to terms with it now. I've also come to terms with having to put him down. It was difficult, very difficult but I didn't want him to have prolonged suffering.

I hope you'll look with love at yourself in the mirror today instead of picking yourself apart. The opposite sex has their insecurities too. The right man will meet you where you are in life and love you as you are. If he can't look at you through the eyes of a best friend, he doesn't deserve you. I hope you'll give yourself the same love you would give to a best friend in your life. You deserve nothing less not only on your birthday but every day.

Keep coming back to share and if you get a birthday cake.... can I have a piece? I probably have twenty pounds to lose too but what the heck! LOL hugs! TT

John · ~*Service Worker*~

(((safehug)))

You sound like me ... as I approached the big 50 and some time afterwards... felt emotionally broken, confused, scared, financially insecure and surely was broke most the time, lonely, working hard and not really getting any where, afraid I would spend the rest of my life, my "golden years" in the grayness of being single and not have someone to share this portion of life with. I was 50 when I separated from my ex wife, divorced at 51. So, instead of going through a mid life transition, I went through a mid life "crisis". Why crisis? Because I struggled being with myself, by myself, feeling like things would never get better, that 50+ years of life, and the dream of growing old with that one special lady would never materialize.

Today, I still have many of the same desires, to be in a LTR, with a special lady. Not the Perfect lady, but the one that is perfect for me, and the one I am perfect for. To achieve financial security, etc, etc...

The difference is, I don't feel a sense of desperation about it all today. I too have been on dates, even got in a pretty toxic relationship, but nothing that qualified as relationship material. Heck, I was not relationship material! LOL Water seeks its own level, and I was sick, attracted to sick. I'm not "well" today but much better.

I'm 54 now, single, learning how to enjoy myself, making new friends, dating a little bit, staying busy, taking down time when I need it, and focusing on my becoming true relationship material instead of looking at someone else and trying to determine if they are. I feel that when I am ready, the woman who is truly ready will appear and we'll rock each other's world.

Be patient with yourself. Your life is no where close to being over,... now it is truly beginning. Things get different before they get better, its only after learning how to live in the different that they move towards the better. Or... When I get better, so will my life. So, I work on focusing on me and let God take care of the big stuff. smile

John

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs RP! I am 43 now and I actually am looking forward to 50, go figure! I hated my 30s for some reason, LOL. It's OK to be scared, it's OK to be where you are just for today. I probably stay in my marriage right now because of your exact fears. Making ends meet, working too much to make those ends meet, and then never finding someone to spend your life with. I will pray that your HP brings you someone special, even if it's just a friend to go out to dinner with, etc. Praying also for you, for your loss of your dog, because I know how hard that can be after having put both my old girl dogs down in the past 2 years. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Happy birthday to you and me...you approaching 50 and me 60. This has been the one that I have thought the most about, as I now realize I have more behind me than ahead of me in this lifetime with those I most love. And I have re-committed to value the time I have with the people I love the most (that includes me). It has helped me to write a few gratitudes at least a few times a week...sounds trivial, but it does help me.

My heart hurts for the loss of your beloved dog...I have a lump in my throat as I type. Be well and take good care and have a kick butt birthday celebration biggrin

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey I am 67 ....and single.......and financially insecure where I will have to work till I DROP

50 is young....I don't buy into the fact that I am getting old....Just ripening.....

I think it is in my head......Yea, don't get me wrong...I have my fears....will I continue to meet my needs???? work is bad so I am just getting by..but I am here,.....I am OK today....Working my program keeps the fear of "not making it anymore" away....but only "just away" ....My biggest fear has always been "will I be able to take care of me till I die???" b/c there "aint no" retirement for me EVER....

The crash put a lot of people in our boats....Nothing is secure or guaranteed anymore....we just go one day at a time and try to get through that day.....

yea, getting old is scary, one day I won't be able to work, then what??? well it hasn't arrived yet, so I keep on keepin on....I look young, feel young,act imature s hell, so maybe that helps

Dunno what to tell you life is what it is and it is not fair, I was so emotionally and mentally ill for so many decades life lost that I will never get back..toxic relationships...Never had a healthy one.....I stopped dating when I got into recovery...Had to find me...Now that I am healthy enough to hold up my end of a relationship , there are no opportunities...Noone is coming along so I gotta make it myself...

My life is probably why I don't believe in any helping G-d even tho I do believe in a creator, it is corporate....I look within for whatever part of it is within me and what I cannot control or create, myself, I just have to let it go.....

I don't know what my purpose is, I spend my energy either working and budgeting or trying to find more work and REALLY budgeting....I just try to find fun and joy wherever and when ever I can

I fantasize about my little horse farm when not doing anything, I dream of my little place w/my rescue horses, riding, enjoying myself....life can't take away my dreams....I just do what I can do

These lives dont last 4ever and when I get to the other side all this struggle will be over with, but for now, I just have to do the best I can by me and take good cre of my body b/c I need to work to make ends meet and the rest??? I just dn't dwell on it......

If I have a roof over my head and enough food and my pets and my kids are healthy, I am ahead of a lot of other people .....I look at the older folks who don't even have a place to live or something to eat......I think of the abuse i suffered in the past that is no more so that is a plus...I think sometimes WHY didn't I get into recovery sooner????? well, I didn't, so it is what it is....

My older dog, I think is on her last legs...Had to help her get up this am...she is old...fat....a lovely rescue I rescued years ago.....so I am puppy hunting so my little pittie will have another friend....Poor old "fat girl" is about 11, so I am seeing that soon, I wlll be having to take her in to "help her outta here" b/c I will NOT let her suffer.....

You are not alone....There are plenty of us in the same boat as you and much older......Is there a "Plan" for us??? I don't buy into that.....I have to make my own way , try to bring good karma to me by putting good energy out....Thats all I can do..............PEACE and happy birthday

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

thank you all so much for your ESH. It means alot. I feel so alone sometimes...and truly, my dog (angel) was my best friend...she stuck by me through thick and thin! And I actually have 6 weeks left of being 49...hahahaha

I know I will be okay...and there are days when I am happy...just being the control freak I am...it's hard to deal with the unknown of the future....serenity prayer, baby...back to basics.

thank you, truly

RP

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

rehprof wrote:
thank you all so much for your ESH. It means alot. I feel so alone sometimes...and truly, my dog (angel) was my best friend...she stuck by me through thick and thin! And I actually have 6 weeks left of being 49...hahahaha
I know I will be okay...and there are days when I am happy...just being the control freak I am...it's hard to deal with the unknown of the future....serenity prayer, baby...back to basics.
thank you, truly
RP

(((RP))) I had to laugh when I read you have 6 weeks left of being 49. Can you remember the days when you were counting the months you had to wait to be 21? Now, its reversed. We do make some big mental shifts as we become more seasoned, don't we?

The good thing about the future is that we won't know about it until its here. If I knew everything about what was coming, I probably would never have gotten out of bed - either for the really fun things or the really sad. That's a blessing in itself for me. biggrin

Although I've already posted, I did want to say how nice it is to see you feeling more at peace than you did earlier today. I enjoy witnessing the changes in folks as they deal with their fears, hurts and challenges by facing them, sharing them and applying the wisdom they receive.

I'm glad that Angel played such an important role in your life for 12 years. Based on my own experience, it must have taken a lot of courage and love for him to let him go when the time came to do it.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

rehprof wrote:
thank you all so much for your ESH. It means alot. I feel so alone sometimes...and truly, my dog (angel) was my best friend...she stuck by me through thick and thin! And I actually have 6 weeks left of being 49...hahahaha
I know I will be okay...and there are days when I am happy...just being the control freak I am...it's hard to deal with the unknown of the future....serenity prayer, baby...back to basics.
thank you, truly
RP

You BET U R gonna be ok......and I am glad that u "sound" better with this post.....yea, we all have our moments, thats why we are special and unique and we are honest w/our stuff.....the so called "healthy" folks make me wonder, LOL......can relate to "control freak" that has my name on it too......and yep...back to basics........GOOD to see you "sounding" better biggrin biggrin

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

rehprof...50 doesn't loom child...70 loomed and then it jumped off it's perch and soared to some other 69 year old soul. You're a baby girl a cutie still and your Papa HP loves you completely. I've seen the loomer and I still work at what I love and how I love it. I've got PTSD and while it makes me crazy I know it's temporary. I'm on retirement and the other income, my wife, has been gone for three weeks without pay....I've got a whole lot of comlaints and no energy to listen to any one of them. I wish I still had my boat and not the 4.35 a gallon to run it with. I still have a pilots license and no airplane for almost the same reasons. I got sunshine and vistas you can't even find in the movies and I can show you how God moves throughout my island and it's culture. When you stop, get quiet and listen you can hear HP talk and it all gets personal. Don't fret the small stuff and...it's all small stuff. (((((hugs))))) smile

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello RP, I read this post this morning but didn't have time to respond, and, looks like everyone has pretty much said what I'd say. Today I drove 2 hours to pick up my mom, take her shopping in thrift stores, go to lunch at a buffet, take her home and then drive two hours back home. I gotta say, that with mr XA I couldn't have done it, or done it with as much sense of freedom as I experienced today. On the drive home I was just so happy to be free to do what I wanted; knowing that there wasn't someone at home ready to pounce on me as soon as I hit the door, no one calling every ten minutes, no one going to demand to know precisely when I was going to be home and then demand an explanation for why I wasn't home when I said I would be. I'll be 53 soon, and as long as my eyes stay in the front of my head, I can't see how big my butt is getting! I WISH I had only 20 pounds to lose....... for now, I am enjoying my freedom from the bs that came with the ex; I work, pay my bills, enjoy my peace and quiet, laugh with friendly people, go where I want, no strings attached. I am dedicated to getting myself ready for the last relationship in my life by being myself and understanding what I want; and someday, someone is going to enter my life who has been looking for someone just like me.

And about those pounds, well, as I tell myself often, if I don't like em, do something about em. I sorta figure I don't because I'm not ready to handle the male attention once I do - I'm terminally cute and enjoying my man-free freedom for now while I put humpty back together. My mother's favorite phrase is - Better to be alone, than wish you were. I'll second that!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I oughta smack ya. I am sixty and never ever thought I would be single period. Never was until my first died on me. sheesh.

Oh you are just fine. you are the only one like you!

I know what you mean. I think mirrors should be outlawed. HOnestly people are not getting married anymore. Its so sad. I bet there are more single people now than there ever has been.

I kinda hate it, then I kinda like it.

sigh. I am so sad about your dog. That hurts big time., I hope you take the time it takes to heal and ignore the jerks who don't get it. I was shocked to learn when I lost my last dog and someone gave me a Basset pup that it really really helped. That hole you feel will be filled with a warm baby A tribute to the one you loved so much. does not take the place, just fills the space.

sending you lots of love! debilyn who knows no one loves us like our dogs do!

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

debilyn -- so weird not having a wagging happy presence to greet me when I get home...and...I have an application in to a local rescue...so we will see...the empty in this house is deafening!

thank you all! I've stopped hand-wringing for now... aww

all best,

RP

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

50 is the new 40. You are fabulous (said with 3 gay snaps)! Here's a good way to look at it:

What might you be looking like, feeling like, and acting like had you not had alanon, divorced the ex-AH, and started down this path?

Not only would you be more frustrated and sad, but you'd still be virutually single (cuz that was not much of a marriage towards the end right?) but less available and ready for a new and better relationship, and you'd be 10x more exhausted and still working a ton to cover the slack of your ex-AH.

This "50" looks lots better on you.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love all the esh you received! Pinkchip and a few of the others have me cracking up, we are such a great family here! I have felt that way at times that Mr. Right may never come along, but I do not wish to settle and sell myself short either, which I have nad am known to do. This is such a great lesson to learn what to fill ourselves up with to make life feel purposeful and complete without a mate. My life is full now, but I am not great at staying single for long, trying to work on that. Being single and comfortable in your own skin sounds like such a magical thing I haven't fully allowed myself to relish in like I want to. I have a girlfriend that amazes me how she travels and does such fulfilling things for herself and hasn't dated in years. She gets together with me and other women and just seems fine with it all, she told me she much prefers her life now then with any of her 3 husbands, ha, a lesson for me for sure. I am sending you much love and support on your journey!

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Happy, happy birthday RP!!! Fifty and fabulous!

As I grow in Alanon, I am growing more comfortable in my skin. I am enjoying new things and meeting people. Dating can become discouraging at times; I take a break when it is no longer fun and give it another go when I feel ready again. I find that I learn a lot about myself in the process.

Uncertainty can be tricky. I decided to distract myself and do 50 new things this year. I am busy having fun, learning new skills, and expanding my comfort zone. I'm not financially secure (yet), but working on that; so my projects are done on a tight budget, but they get me out and about.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with you.

In support.

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