The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Divorcing him won't change his behavior and not even sure he would even stay away. You said you were filing papers, what kind of papers, legal separation?? How are you going to do that??? You said you have no money, legal separations or divorce are very costly. I'm not saying what you should do , but you have to calm down and think . First things first. The way he is acting is not normal, but then again your dealing with an Alcoholic.
How long do you think it takes to fix yourself? There is nothing wrong with you that Alanon won't fix. Glad that you are reaching out to group meetings, When ever my X was acting out, it was when he was bingeing. I would dissapear to my safe house, which was Alanon meetings, every nite, I didnt have to think about what he was doing. My sponsor would see me thru those times. I stuck to her like glue. Taking care of yourself is priority at this time. You don't have to participate in his craziness. Withdraw..... shut your phone off and go to a meeting, a lots of meetings, as many as you can. Don't get caught up in the drama, his drama.
If you believe in a Higher Power, trust in that, it will see you thru this. Take the steps. Not so sure what you mean by "using the group meetings," all you have to do is show up. Don't over think it.
Your recovery is the way. All my best to you. Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 14th of July 2013 11:31:39 AM
im tired of talking..... my children are away for the month , this is my time for me to figure me out. not time to work on a marrage thats distroyed due to this illness. past 2 weeks my ah now 8 moths sober has been mean ,ugly, demeaning. he hates me. he hates everything about me. this is fact!!! he has told me ,i disgust him. i think he might of went out again. i dont no because he not living here but he comes here everyday. my nerves get all up on defence and thats when he there to accuse me of something. my daughter took me out friday night to eat at resteraunt we split a adult beverage together ,i had four sips, im not a drinker , at all maybe 4 times i was drunk . never like the feeling of unstableness. he called me 20 times texted over 30 , saying i hope your having a good time around the men!! hope your enjoying your drink !! he was watching me from the resteraunt window!!!!! that is not normal!!! i shut my phone off then he started texting my daughter asking her questions. . im sick from the drink ,im sick from the way the drink make him think and talk, i cant get better when im being picked on and badgered!!!! my plan was to to fix myself then our marrage , i did not have the master plan he would of had. my bank account is closed . there no money. my internet access has been reviewed again and used against me. im a sick woman!!!! because i love him and i dont want to divorce him ..but he leaves me no choice!!! im fileing papers tomorrow . he scares me with the new evil things he say and does and the way he looks at me, he doesnt look the same . his appearance has changed with this new behavior. . i been praying all day and talking to al alon ppl and finally figured out how to use the group meetings now. some one tell me please , is this a normal behavior for him? how do i no for sure if he went back out again? i have no proof i just have very strong vibes from him.
I am so sorry that you feel that you were not supported in your latest posting. You are correct in alanon we give emotional support to members. Any advice that we offer is usually the use of alanon tools as a solution. We believe that each member has the ability to look within and find the right answers for their lives That is why we simply suggest that you "keep coming back, go to a meeting , call a sponsor. use a slogan or work the steps . We should not judge each other nor give advice as to actions to be taken.
Page 106 in the Courage to Change speaks to this directly. I am so glad you are at a meeting at this moment
Ms Co dependent living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely difficult and I can truly understand your confusion and pain. Being followed, spied upon etc is unacceptable and not healthy for either of you. I do believe you need to really take care of yourself, Meetings are a perfect healthy tool as Bettina suggested.
It might be necessary for you to seek help from a woman support group in your community .Check the white pages or try one of these numbers
National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682 National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238 US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233
Please do keep coming back here. It does work if you work it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 14th of July 2013 07:22:43 PM
Aloha Ms-Code...hang in here and keep looking and asking for suggestions and ESH. People like Bettina in program were able to teach me as long as I kept and open mind and subdued my oppositional definant condition. One of the responses I remember I got when I use to ask questions concerning my alcoholic/addict wife was..."what are you going to do with the answer"? and that stopped me cold. Why did I need information about what and who and where and why "her"?...It was I that I needed to change. It was the answers to the question "So what is your part in this"? that I needed to know and understand. I continue to ask myself those questions. The people in my life today all make their own decisions with what ever motivation they make them..."It ain't none of my business" -and- "Mind your own business" both are Al-Anon slogans. You can have em for free...that's how I got them myself. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Doesn't sound like you love him. You've had nothing but negative things to say from the start. I know your husband has his own side to this too. Sounds like you have resented him and been wanting to get away from him a long time. Borh of you seem pretty emotionally volatile. I hope for your kid's sakes you can either improve communication or split.
First of all please don't take this in a QTIP WAY.
The problem is I do love him . That's why it's Sick !! Are we on the same side of the street. ???? Why is it ppl tend to jump to defend him??? How can you be positive when your surrounded in negativity?? Let me a sure you my husband is far from positive! Please go to his side of the street and view his side of me!!! Sorry that I'm not as smart as the alcohol is, I am telling you how I am feeling this is the sight to use to help and vent right? Then why does it feel like I'm being judged!! My problem is I think before I speak !! I no what's wrong and right! Your right divorcing him won't change him but it will change me and give ME who always been in the oven her whole marriage . Now it's my turn to be first ! ME yes I will be taking care of ME , and I say ME because I'm the only one that can heal myself, I have choices! I have a voice I don't want to be negative I do not enjoy being unhappy and I don't deserve to be judged . No there is no money but the state will represent me pro bono . Have you not read my threads? I will. Say this . That my ah is on this board reads and most Likly is replying back to. It would not be the first time this has happened . When email acct and password are found. Maybe I should claim I'm alcoholic and go to that side and see what they say. Please email me if you want to . My source already showed it self . This is not a safe board to get help or seek advise or to be trusted. I find that when I post something on here about what's going on at my home. It gets tossed right back at me from him!! We as co dependents don't judge ppl ! We feel bad for them we want to fix them right we want to solve there puzzel right!! We are ppl pleaser. What happen to al Alon saying keep coming back pray, worry about you!! I have not heard that here today . I heard a comment which will not be pointed out! But states I'm so negative . I can tell you that you did nothing for me but give me a negative feed back and presented to me in a alcoholic response! We can't give advise right . But yet we can tell some one that they are negative and divorce is not the answer. Please review my threads ! This will be my last post since I no it can not be trusted!
Thank you pc for stating you worked both sides of the street now I am taking this personal. It's not fair of you to be judging me ! Your negative feed back to me about me being negative just showed me that you got out of the road and back on your side of the street . Your comment was the old drink talking for you. Sticking up for him . That is not fair!!! You see his side because you were on that side!
So you are quick to defend the spouce over me. I got all the negative advise from this sight. That I need. Please email me if you want to judge me any more .
No..I didn't mean you were negative...Just negative about him. Most of your post desribe him as being contolling and abusive. I also understand there's good reason for that. I support you going for divorce if he makes you that miserable. My point is that it sounds like a toxic relationship.
Thank you . For that positive feed back , the relationship is toxic . I wish there was a cure for it . I'm sorry to jump in the puddle to defend myself . It's a long road to recovery and I'm just starting . And I am a shamed of myself for stating I don't judge and here I am judging him . But not to win the fight only to express the impact it's taken on me and kids and him. I can only wish for better things to come and 14 years of this and still didn't toss in towel . I will look back and reflect my actions in the future to try to think positive . That's all I can do at this time . I'm grateful right now that my anger is gone my defense guard is down and I'm at a face to face meeting.. The only fight I want to win is my marriage
I agree and echo what everyone says here...The relationship you are describe is highly toxic an could even be a danger
I was in a marriage like that w/A#1....He was abusive, verbally, he was so toxic and b/c I had no recovery program,I was toxic too, it was a very bad combination
I still didn't get into recovery and married A#2, who was a whole lot nicer, but we both had problems that we weren't addressing...his addiction to alcohol and my codependency.
FINALLY I got sick and tired of the whole mess called my life and I told AH #2, we get into recovery, both of us or we split.
He didn't want recovery, so we split
I got, shortly after (there was some delay of my getting into alanon b/c my brother passed away that year and it was real rough on me)
But i DID get into alanon and coda anonymous....I went to 90 meets in 90 days..Honest!!! sometimes 2 meets a day, just to get myself level I made friends..Healthy friends...Got a sponsor, I got books and work sheets on the steps and the literature, I devoured the program and I began to HEAL....I still go to meetings regularly, post here on the boards and I work the heck out of the literature, especially the steps, and that is how I stay out of drama , manage my affairs so much better, I am not in any toxic relationship, not in anyone right now and thats OK b/c I don't mind, anymore being wiht and hanging out wiht just me
what I am saying here is that the only thing we can fix is US and only through the program....Its free and to me, it has beaten any therapists I paid good money to see, this program has helped me more than anything
The only one U R going to be able to change is you....the only life you can change is yours.,you can only work on you with success....I am reading that deep down you want out of this marriage,even tho you may still love him, and thats a common thing
We fear leaving the "familiar" even if it is toxic......that is where the program kicks in and really helps us develope a relationship with ourselves and in doing so , we find that our threshold for pain is a lot lower, we just don't do the drama and abuse thing....Its no longer acceptable to me...
Please keep coming back ok???? Take care
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Good morning, I hope all is good for you this morning. You are doing a great thing for you by attending meetings..I know of many people that would attend 90 meetings in 90 days. I am always in awe of their commitment to themselves when they do that. I also want to say that, although each of us has our own approach in responding to posts here; one commonality among us all is that we are 100% in support of each other. If we weren't, we would not spend hours listening and responding to the best of our ability at the time. Having said that, you are safe to post. We want the best for you and your life. In support....
Good morning, I hope all is good for you this morning. You are doing a great thing for you by attending meetings..I know of many people that would attend 90 meetings in 90 days. I am always in awe of their commitment to themselves when they do that. I also want to say that, although each of us has our own approach in responding to posts here; one commonality among us all is that we are 100% in support of each other. If we weren't, we would not spend hours listening and responding to the best of our ability at the time. Having said that, you are safe to post. We want the best for you and your life. In support....
Ditto to what Paula said.......This is a great recovery home
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Your AH is following you which made me think stalker, which is scary! I would look at a restraining order and just talk to someone in the protective order service and see what they think, but throughout my divorce I never had anything near that scary happen to me with my exAH. Please take care of yourself! Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
im tired of talking..... my children are away for the month , this is my time for me to figure me out. not time to work on a marrage thats distroyed due to this illness. past 2 weeks my ah now 8 moths sober has been mean ,ugly, demeaning. he hates me. he hates everything about me. this is fact!!! he has told me ,i disgust him. i think he might of went out again. i dont no because he not living here but he comes here everyday. my nerves get all up on defence and thats when he there to accuse me of something. my daughter took me out friday night to eat at resteraunt we split a adult beverage together ,i had four sips, im not a drinker , at all maybe 4 times i was drunk . never like the feeling of unstableness. he called me 20 times texted over 30 , saying i hope your having a good time around the men!! hope your enjoying your drink !! he was watching me from the resteraunt window!!!!! that is not normal!!! i shut my phone off then he started texting my daughter asking her questions. . im sick from the drink ,im sick from the way the drink make him think and talk, i cant get better when im being picked on and badgered!!!! my plan was to to fix myself then our marrage , i did not have the master plan he would of had. my bank account is closed . there no money. my internet access has been reviewed again and used against me. im a sick woman!!!! because i love him and i dont want to divorce him ..but he leaves me no choice!!! im fileing papers tomorrow . he scares me with the new evil things he say and does and the way he looks at me, he doesnt look the same . his appearance has changed with this new behavior. . i been praying all day and talking to al alon ppl and finally figured out how to use the group meetings now. some one tell me please , is this a normal behavior for him? how do i no for sure if he went back out again? i have no proof i just have very strong vibes from him.