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My name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
I was invited to a birthday party in a few weeks. The birthday party is at a bar. A place this guy frequents often and is a regular. I may have mentioned him and this place a few times on here. I have been to this place before. It's dark, it's loud, it's a lot of standing around and drinking. Many people sitting at their stool, watching loop reruns of SportsCentre. The party is on a Saturday which also makes it karaoke night. Again, all the regulars will go up and sing the same songs they have been for the last year. My friend is the kind of guy who will also expect to have people buy him drinks. He is a salesman for a living and is good at blowing smoke up people's bum's. He's blown a lot of smoke up mine in the past and I bought the garbage he was selling. Salesman/alcoholic with an al-anon, dangerous combo.
Last November I went to another birthday party that ended there. I coerced my friend into driving me home because I had simply had enough. It was to cramped, to cold, to loud, to smokey from people constantly walking in and out. ugh! I couldn't take it! Just talking about it makes me angry lol . As I left that place I swore to myself I would do everything I could to avoid it and have.
The invite was over facebook. Many of the people that are going are people that I am very indifferent about having in my life. I have consistently declined invites from this person since that night in November but he keeps reaching out. I feel I have simply outgrown them. that place and all that.
Yet, I keep complaining that I have nothing to look forward to on weekends. Am I isolating? Am I being a Martyr? Am I just comfortable complaining?
I know that if I go, I will be miserable and bitter the whole time and that's not fair to me, or the others.
Dear Person with a Birthday coming up: Thank you for your invitation. I won't be able to make your party, but hope you have a great time celebrating your (age) birthday.
Dear Person with a Birthday coming up: Thank you for your invitation. I won't be able to make your party, but hope you have a great time celebrating your (age) birthday.
Did you do that right after you wrote out your post? Wow! I'm glad you did that. The only suggestion I could come up with after your request for advice (it was sooooooooo obvious you didn't want to go) and you'd already written it.
It sounds to me as if you'd like more real friends in your life -- and as if this guy's likes and habits are too different for him to be a real friend. That's the kind of gathering I go to where I end up feeling lonelier than if I'd stayed home. It sounds as if you exercised some good boundaries there. Now maybe the energy you'd have spent going and then recovering from the party, you could use instead for figuring out how to find a group of people who share your values. Of course it takes time to get to know new groups of people. But when we hang out with the bad-feeling ones, it just delays the process of finding the good groups. So -- good for you!
Dear Person with a Birthday coming up: Thank you for your invitation. I won't be able to make your party, but hope you have a great time celebrating your (age) birthday.
I SOOOO agree with Grateful.............as to isoloating??? I dont' think U R isolating by not wanting to hang with a bunch of drinkers, and smokers, acting a fool in a bar YUCK
I would rather be home then be out and miserable
I urge you to keep working your program, get a sponsor is you don't hve one and work the heck out of the steps
this is not a "fad" this 12 steps it is a way of LIFE...to be happy, joyous, free from the dysfunction, to be able to detach in peace from the dysfunctionals, if you still want contact you will be able to set that internal boundary within you to yea, have communications with them, but keep a healthy distance, too
this program is the way to a freeer life.....life is never gonna be fair or always good, but this program teaches us how to savor the good and be willing to let it go when the old cycle goes into a valley where it isn't so good, but we can manage...keep an even keel and know that "this, too shall pass" life is all about change...we hae good times, we have bad times
but we don't have to be shattered by the bad times anymore.......12 steps alanon program shows us how
then u find yourself (i did) wanting and craving the deep well people..the healthier , better relationships b/c you find that YOU can hold up YOUR end of a healthy relationship
I found this for me...You can too.......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It is funny how we seem to second guess ourselves when it comes to stuff like this. Even though we made a decision to be true to ourselves, we spend time wondering if we made the right decision after we do. For sure we are so used to denying ourselves our own joy, so we believe the crap in our head that says we are not good enough. Thus we have thoughts that ask us if we are being stuck up, arrogant and isolating. Being true to yourself is a good thing. I often have to remind myself it is okay to be the person I am. You did the right thing. Remember to celebrate who you are and be gentle with yourself. If not you, who will be your champion? I think you are doing great!
My response would also include a request to maybe do something else for the birthday, depending on how close I was to the person.
Like, "I'm sorry I can't attend your party, but maybe we can meet for dinner or go golfing this next month and we can catch up?" If he were to decline then I'd know that his social life truly does only consist of the bar scene and karaoke and that he wasn't looking for a deeper friendship from me.
I like what Mattie said, too! I stopped going to bars when I was 22. I was totally bored, tired of watching people stumble around, and just wanted to catch up on some sleep, LOL! I found other ways to connect with others and still don't do the bar thing, if I can avoid it.
Thanks Guys,
I'm starting to see trends with this guy that are similar to my alcoholic father. Being a regular at a bar, befriending the owner, dysfunctional marriage, he invited over 150 people (obviously not all will attend) because he's the type to not want to upset anyone and loves the approval knowing he has so many friends.
I just know it's going to be one of those things that I think everyone will be having a blast while I'm at home, but then I'd go and it would suck.
Our friendship started off really good, but now he's just to much for me.
Thanks Guys, I'm starting to see trends with this guy that are similar to my alcoholic father. Being a regular at a bar, befriending the owner, dysfunctional marriage, he invited over 150 people (obviously not all will attend) because he's the type to not want to upset anyone and loves the approval knowing he has so many friends. I just know it's going to be one of those things that I think everyone will be having a blast while I'm at home, but then I'd go and it would suck. Our friendship started off really good, but now he's just to much for me.
ohhh this is a VERY wise observation, "similiar to my alcoholic father" until I started really working my program, I just attracted the same ole negative people...the drinkers, the users, the abusers, one by one, I began to see a pattern...I didn't think that anything different then my home upbringing was a choice for me AND I didn't think I deserved any better...that all changed with 12 steps and alanon....NOW, i don't waste my time and precious energy on folks who "take me down"....I can have some in my life, but at a distance....some I had to just "disconnect" from and walk away......"he's just too much for me" that about says it re: your relationship....U R being true to yourself when U say that...like not sugar coating him any more, hey????? GREAT job seeing this............keep coming back ok???? this stuff (recovery) works
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm such an isolator that I really try to make it a practice to say "yes" at least once to new invitations.
If I go and I don't care for the type of hangout much, I make note of it and politely decline the next similar invitation if it comes my way, and if I'm feeling like I'm not in the mood for it. (Sometimes I enjoy that I'm simply getting out of the house, even if the event isn't totally my cup of tea and will actually accept the invitation, but I go in knowing fully what I'm walking into and coach myself into finding fun in the occasion.)
If I go and it turns out I really loved the occasion, I definitely make it a point to continue to say "Yes!" to such invitations when they come along.
I find that I get invited to less and less get-togethers the more I say "no". Why invite me when people know I'm going to decline?
When I want company, I do my part to make it happen. I've learned to not wait around and hope someone thinks of me when they decide to do something fun. I send out the invitations myself. I always have a "plan B" ready in case if no one is available at all so I don't end up feeling lonely and sorry for myself. Of course, I tend to invite those people who I know like the sort of activity I'm thinking of, and those who I know will normally say "yes".
This is the nice thing about Al-Anon. I've made a lot of friends in recovery and we all like to do activities that are fun and don't need to include drugs or alcohol. And they're people who "speak my language" - we relate really well.
The other nice thing is that I've made a good volume of friends, and all of them have different interests, so I have a lot of people to choose from who might like to do certain activities with me. I have some friends who'd rather do a movie or dinner. I have others who'd rather go on a hike or hit the beach. Depending on what I'm in the mood for, I invite the friends that I know like those certain activities.
I never used to have friends like this, though.
Before Al-Anon, I isolated heavily and relied on the Alcoholic to fill all those roles for me. Of course, he couldn't keep up, so I became discontent and unhappy.
The other nice thing is that I've made a good volume of friends, and all of them have different interests, so I have a lot of people to choose from who might like to do certain activities with me. I have some friends who'd rather do a movie or dinner. I have others who'd rather go on a hike or hit the beach. Depending on what I'm in the mood for, I invite the friends that I know like those certain activities.
I never used to have friends like this, though.
Before Al-Anon, I isolated heavily and relied on the Alcoholic to fill all those roles for me. Of course, he couldn't keep up, so I became discontent and unhappy.
I've noticed that the price of admission to my heart has gone up.....the ones in my life now are sparingly on the drinking ,like me, maybe a beer when I am waiting for my food or a beer at a b-day party but none of my mates are anything but LIGHT drinkers and no drugs....My "friends inventory" has changed.....non drinking/drugging fun is the choice for me.......I would love to get back into horses, my passion.....bike riding, swimming, trampolene, walking, running w/a mate is fun.....movies (if non fiction) and a nice dinner....yea,my "fun" choices have changed big time since recovery......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
. As I left that place I swore to myself I would do everything I could to avoid it and have.