Broken Heart. - Al-Anon Family Group

giraffe13 · Senior Member

Broken Heart.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, it does hurt and you will miss him even though you know you did the best thing for you. When I told my husband to move out (I, too, had raised the bar as to what I could/would tolerate) I was initially relieved but as time moved on I missed things like the way he smelled, our trips to the grocery store, his smile when he was happy, etc. Thankfully I had written on a piece of paper when I was SO DONE what I would and would not tolerate, so when I began to romanticize or fall under the spells of my thoughts, I would pull it out and SNAP the spell was broken and I was standing on firm ground again. Rmember, "this too shall pass" and "easy does it". (((hugs)))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Thankfully I had written on a piece of paper when I was SO DONE what I would and would not tolerate, so when I began to romanticize or fall under the spells of my thoughts, I would pull it out and SNAP the spell was broken and I was standing on firm ground again. Rmember, "this too shall pass" and "easy does it". (((hugs)))

ohhh this sounds soooo familiar with a LOT of my boy/girl relationship or just FRIENDS.....even a sponsor I had with whom I had a very very close loving relationship with....she betrayed me to another sponsee of hers and betrayed the other sponsee to ME.....

I dropped her....called her up...called her out about it and told her she broke the sacred trust of the 12 steps and it was OVER.....AND I did a share about the incident on one of my recovery boards to which she did not belong

When I felt like I needed her or missed her I got out that share or post that I did on the board, and I READ IT.....Read it AGAIN.......and yea, I "snapped to" and realized, that yea, the good times, the laughter all of that was sweet, but if ya betray me once????? thats IT for me......

Same thing w/ saying goodbye to the alkies......especially alkie #2, he was sweet to me....that was the hardest breakup I ever experienced......but I had to do it...I wanted recovery...he did not........end of story...........I had the "missing him blues" but I would remember my sponsor telling me (not the gal who betrayed me but another sponsor I had) I remember her telling me to also remember what he did and how he did not want recovery and do I want to grow or not??? stay stuck or progress????? oh yea, reality check is a kicker but sooo necessary

giraffe13 · Senior Member

PP, I will do that list tonight. thank you. I do miss those things too the way he smells, and our fun activities we shared, our favorite tv shows we looked forward to seeing together. I need to to the list now.

I just made the decision a bit prematurely and that is what bothers me about it. But now I am trying to carry through, as that is better then folding and running back.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Soon as I saw the broken heart I cringed inside. Nothing is worse. It does hurt a lot! It will continue to hurt until it doesn't. I invite you to give yourself about four or five days of the crying, inability to eat, not sleeping right, walking around like you have a hole inside. I think you may feel yourself lightening up just a little.

Maybe allow yourself to grieve until you really can think again. Do you want to be with this disease forever? Look how he reacted. He was mad, more than feeling sad.

Now to me a normal person would be so sad, hurt scared by the incident. when I tried to stop a relationship with someone that I loved He was so so hurt and I could tell crying. He instantly blamed himself for blowing it. In his defense he really was not himself do to getting off a medication and had almost made a bad mistake. I was honestly horrified by what he almost did and told him so.

Anyway.... my point is look how he reacted.

I know you hurt. You may go back anyway, but I promise you, this will change how you think about him and the relationship. Unless something major changes, it will happen again. You are fighting a disease that is not going to go away. Is that what you want?

I honestly believe, even me, we need to protect ourselves and look at the reality of things. Its no easy, cuz we want love and to give love so badly.

Keep coming! you are not alone on the journey no matter what you do. love,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You probably made a good choice. When you have as many serious reservations about a peson, it's more likely that they are not the one. He was an approximation of a suitable partner for you but too many deal breakersi it sounds like. You will grow lots in this time. You will get comfortable with just you. Then you will find the one that does not have the red flags. It is a huge burden to carry on in a relationship with someone that really isn't cut out to meet your needs. Just say no to emotionally imature and emotionally unavailable men. Your partner picker will get better from this if you let it. Let the next man be a real grown up that wants to eventually share a life and not some wounded soul to just pass time with in between his binges and time out with buddies. Try not to think that you broke up over dumb stuff cuz to me it sounds more like so much major stuff added up that it didnt take much to finally push it to tje limit.

giraffe13 · Senior Member

Thank you Debilyn.

I was pretty shocked how he reacted. He usually reacts scared, as we have discussed it in the past. And within the last month when I detached that scared him a great deal and he cried, feeling like he was losing the relationship and me. My therapist told me Tuesday he was angry because that is a sign this disease is progressing. Anger is not a logical feeling to that obviously. He went from sad, to scared, to angry, IN ONE PHONE CALL... then concluded it with a very dramatic and sad goodbye and emotional text. He was all over the place. not just angry. That really shocked me and I really am confused and still do not know what to think ((??))...

I have been pushing myself to eat, and have made plans with friends, and have been praying to my HP non stop. Leaning on that power more than anything. I have not cried my eyes out more than once and I am surprised about that. I realize he reacted in a partly insensitive way, but I do truly know inside he is hurting and is scared to lose me. I just think he realizes he cannot stop drinking- and knows that is why I am leaving and is sad and frustrated that he cannot argue it b/c my reasons are valid. Even if it was abrupt and angry about how I did it, and unplanned!-- we both know he has a problem. I feel that part of his anger is with himself deep down b/c he realizes he can't control much of anything right now but cannot surrender. He did say at one point I guess I am trying to have my cake and eat it too.

I really don't want to be treated like this forever, and I realized that he just takes me for granted- and our relationship for granted. He refuses to go back to AA, and sometimes I think in life we don't better ourselves until we are deeply hurting. After all, I myself don't turn to my HP for help until I AM deeply hurting. Is it much different for alcoholics? No. I know nothing I can do will help - but I just keep reminding myself how unhealthy he treated me and himself- and keep praying for us both and for him to be receptive to some higher power of his own.

Right now, I feel strangely that I am hurting more without him, then I was with him. It is confusing and hard. thanks for your caring message..

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You never "had him" anyhow. Alcohol has him and it doesn't leave much left over. I have held out in past relationships wanting so badly for the other person to change. The saddest part of the relationships ending was me giving up on what I hoped those people would become when it was not happening and wasn't going to happen. It was the idea of what I wanted them to be even more than letting go of the actual person. After the heartache ended, I could see clearly and wondered why those relationships didn't end quicker.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((giraffe13))) Easy does it. One day at a time. Grief work isn't easy, but it is manageable if we spend time nurturing ourselves, doing things we love to do, spend time with people who we know are our friends, talking things over with our sponsor, going to meetings often, and finding things to do that we've always wanted to do but put it off because we were thinking about him, him, him and spending a lot of our energy and time on and with him, him, him. Your HP has created a beautiful day for you, you, you. What are you going to do with it to enjoy and nurture yourself, dear sister? Rather than going back to that same "hardware store to buy bread" what if you go to a bakery instead?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 12th of July 2013 09:00:35 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 12th of July 2013 09:05:18 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 12th of July 2013 10:23:32 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was dating my husband, I broke up with him and had one of those phone calls where it quickly turned into anger. I let my missing him throw me back in for another round that lasted for 20 years of hell and craziness until we both got into recovery. Run Forrest, Run (a line from Forrest Gump)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Giraffe: When we slam a door on a relationship in anger, it usually springs back open on us. Considering your bf is actively drinking and for your sake alone - suggestion: Write a closing/goodbye letter to him that IS ONLY FOR YOU. Put in that letter everything that you think and feel about him - both the happy and the sad. Put your hopes and dreams into it, too. Write your amends to him for the things you've done that are against your value system or that you've learned hurt him. Write what you hope and pray will happen for him. Don't edit it. Don't worry about spelling or punctuation. The letter is just for you and your HP. Keep it in a safe place. Then, go spend time with a person who cares about you and that you trust who always helps you feel good about you because they feel good about themselves.

You can always re-write that letter at another time and compare the first to the second. Keep on writing those letters if need be to help yourself
stay in your own (I love this phrase) hula-hoop. No one will judge you - this is between you and your HP. Let yourself cry and nurture yourself with some of the things you wanted him to do for you.

Later - very much later - you might decide you want to send an abbreviated copy of that letter to him (8th and 9th step), but not until you have worked the steps yourself in earnest and gotten to a place where you can trust that you mean what you say and won't change your mind no matter what and that you're sending that letter because it is HP's will for you and not because you're hoping things will get better with bf.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

My sponsor also used to say this to me when my relationships didn't work out: "Take all of the good things you thought you were getting from him and give them to yourself." I understood the concept at the time, but it was hard to do. I thought I needed another person and a relationship to be happy. Yes, relationships are good and it's human nature to want a good relationship - but the principal person to make me happy and give me what I want in life is me.

giraffe13 · Senior Member

You know how many times I am going read this thread in the next week? LOL. I think you do actually. I will write that letter. reading that makes me realize where I truly am in the breakup process. No where close to where I should be to "stay away for good!" I left him 1 year ago and that was when I went back and realized I should have done the run forest run. Here we are another year and half later. 2nd time.

The problem was, I was doing so well in my recovery work, and this really threw me for a loop. like getting hit with a bat, and made me feel like I am more needy than ever. I am not going to lie, even under conditions where I have moved right through this under ideal and best conditions at this point and he came back and said he was going to get help, I would run right back. Now add on top of that I am NOT moving right through this as I was not ready for this and that means any remote utter of anything and I will run right back, forget getting better. At least writing that here, being honest about it, takes some of the pain away of beating myself up about it.

sigh.

I am REALLY hurting this morning, and the last two days I did ok! i really did. But last night I had severe panic and anxiety over losing him, and needing his support with something I went through last July that was extremely serious and hard. We both went through it and it did bring us closer and next week July 21 on the anniversary of that we were going to do something calm and nice together. I just worked through it last night/ w/ prayer- which is all i do lately honestly- and went to bed. But man I woke up hurting this morning. more like dying, and it was the 1st time I almost called him.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Your feelings are not an indicator of your recovery work/progress. Your actions are. I think perhaps you ripped off the bandage of an infected wound so it could start healing right. It really hurts right now but the recovery work you were doing before was so that you could get to this point. Be kind do yourself. You are doing well even if you feel sad and scared. Get support from healthy people in your network and do your best to avoid trying to get the support from the 1 person who could never be what you really wanted him to be.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been in on those conversations where they go from sad to angry and all over the map. I used to dwell on what happened, what I should have said, how I could have managed it better. What I didn't realize is that this is what it's like having a conversation with an alcoholic. My A rarely seemed overtly drunk -- I mean he wouldn't be slurring or saying nonsense or anything like that -- so I would think he was sober. But he wasn't. The giveaway was how volatile his emotions were in the conversation. It wasn't really the person I was talking to. The alcohol had taken him over completely.

I have also had that terrible craving once I had broken up with him. When the anger dies down, we sometimes start to forget the madness. And we have genuine needs and we're used to going to the A to try to get them filled. What happened with me is that I didn't get them filled by the A, but the turmoil and chaos of dealing with the A would distract me from my needs. So it would sorta "work" to add drama to my life and get me distracted from what I wasn't getting. In the long term, of course, it eats you up.

The thing is that when we've been with an A for a while, we've weakened our other ways of dealing with our needs. So when the A leaves the picture, we're high and dry. It takes a while to get back into regular life again. But plunging back into things with the A delays it even longer. I remember thinking, "If only I had stayed broken up with him the first time, I would be long over this by now."

And also, my craving for the A was like the A's craving for alcohol. A craving for an addictive substance that seemed like it would be the answer to my problems. But that just brought more pain and damage.

Hang in there. Meetings? Program? Sponsor? Use it all. We deserve as much support as we can get. Hugs.

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Broken hearts are one of the most painful things in life. It's like your whole body hurts and not much relieves the pain. But the way you feel this week won't last. Try to be aware of that. You are in a transition and this will pass, Lyne

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