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for the past two weeks, daughter #2 has actually been calling me........of COURSE...She is do to give birth
Has NOTHING to do w/me otherwise.......Last summer when I had pneumonia she never walked next door to check up on me just left me to suffer
fast forward to Monday....She calls me, Oh and its "I love you mom, I am going to have baby this week"
My reply was that to make sure she was ok and that "L" was taking her to hospt. and she confirmed that he would....I told her I wished her a good birth (Her existing kids don't know I exist, so why should this one when he/she gets older)
Tues. and last night, I get calls "oh mom R U coming to the hospital??? they are going to induce labor at 3am on Thursday am, R U going to be there????"
I told her that I would not, I had to work and find work and I needed my rest..That it would not be safe or healthy for me to be driving on the roads at (She was admitted at midnight for the early am birth which should have taken place this am, around 7 or so)
I told her I did not go out late at night, alone, it was not safe, I asked her if "L" was going to be with her and she said he would and I said "well then you are alright, and its going to be alright"
I did not tell her I would be there, I told her I had a busy day on Thurs. and work on Friday....I said I did not know when I would see her
I kept it nice...Kept it friendly, but honestly??? I felt like telling her "U left me to suffer w/pneumonia all alone in my house and you did't even care to see me, now I am going to be as interested in you as you are me"
I did not say that b/c it would do NO GOOD ..She is what she is......Wants me only when she needs me....Otherwise I don't even exist..........
Yea, it kinds hurts, but I have my older daughter who is a joy to me and who loves me all the time....I have my family of choice, people who care about and love me as I do them, and I have my good friends and my recovery work
I am more of a fac2fac person, more tactile, yea, cyberspace is gr8 when you don't have fac2fac meets, but I am just what I am, but coming back here and reading the posts has helped me really do well with this difficult situation
I won't be used and kicked to the curb anymore...Not by anyone....I wont' let harm come to her, I won't deny her what is right, but go out of my way??? go see her??? for what??? to see a baby I won't share in like all the others???? The older kids never ever come next door to visit......My best male friend on the other side of me, we have been FOC for 20 odd years, I watched all his kids grow up, and his youngest son who is 12 now adores me as his gramma....He comes to see me when he is at his dad's house, he is my little buddy......
What doors close, windows open...."C" is ok...she is cared for, her cousins will be with her and so will hubby...She will be ok
I am happier, keeping my distance...I am not being hurt, disappointed, stood up, forgotten, dissed , shut out of the holidays, never sharing the Xmas or T/Giving and other holidays....I am better off, keeping my distance
I have grown apart from her....She has her life, I now have mine and it is not one of being hurt and let down, and only wanted when I am needed
I wish her all the best today, but I won't be there...I have my stuff to do here, and bed early so I am focused at work....I just don't want to go to the hosp....Been there...Done that......Get attached to baby, then I am ignored when she recovers....I don't see the kids at all......So it is what it is.....I have decided to keep taking care of me and expending the energy I have on the ones who care about me
I am NOT her "option" anymore...
Today I had a fun day at the pool in my new hot purple bathing suit, lol...I swam, did laps, enjoyed myself....chatted with daughter #1 "S" who lives in MD and they should be coming out to see me maybe in the fall....She is a gem...a total joy....She isn't all that close to "C" b/c she just does not approve the way that "C" treats me...I see they are on facebook, but "S" hardly posts on "C's" wall...haven't seen them talk much at all...I see "C" "like" a photo on "S's" wall, but thats about it.....
oh well...u can do your best, but they are their own people....she must learn her own lessons and walk her own path
This is the FIRST time I have just backed off and butted out and distanced myself and I am not regretting my choice to take care of me and to protect my heart...why put myself out there to be triggered and hurt???? NOT gonna do it for ANYone....
I had a talk w/a loooong time friend of mine, in the old days back in Calif....he loves me and my bio sister and he stuck his nose into it by telling me "oh she loves you and why won't you talk to her????"
I finally told him the truth...that she condemned me and on FACEBOOK no less, condemned me for #1 changing my name and dropping the bio sire's last name and #2 for coming forward about teh abuse.....I told "J" that my younger bro. told me that she adn the eldest bro. were hoping I would either kill myself or go nuts so the family dirty secret would not come out...they were that pissed that I came forward......"J" just sucked in his breath and said "but she talks nice about you" and I told "J" that "what else is she gonna do....trash me and have to explain why?????" he was shocked that she , my own dna sister would condemn me for only wanting to get into recovery...
he promised me he was staying out of it and I said "that is good...U can enjoy her and enjoy me and leave it at that"
So..is been a week for me....discovery...learning.....becoming more aware.....working on my being mindful and in my body and in my senses when doing stuff
I am OK with what I did,not going to the hosp....I no longer will take any part in stuff I am later kicked out of..........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You would have still suffered from the pneumonia, even if she did pay a visit.
I know what your saying, its the attitude of entitlement and all about the Me attitude.
I have a 46 year old daughter and I think they never outgrow it. Till they have children of their own. That should make the difference.
Other than I do have differing opinions on what our responsibility is to our children.
I believe we brought them into the world and we are responsible for them, but not without boundaries. I don't believe in asking a son or daughter before they are 18 to leave my house. Addicted or not. As parents we still have some power over them and we are legally responsible for them.
You expressed your boundaries to your daughter very well . Maybe a little more dialogue with her about how you feel would help the situation.
You expressed your boundaries to your daughter very well . Maybe a little more dialogue with her about how you feel would help the situation.
with you in recovery, hugs, Bettina
(((((Bettina))))) I did try the dialogue thing....it failed miserably....she gives me this blank stare, and then the "I Know you are right" and nothing changes.....I have fought this and fought this till I got sick and tired of being sick and tired....Recovery finally helped me break this dysfunctional cycle of her "agreeing I am right" and then doing the same ole passive aggressive stuff.........I can't do anything for her....I don't have the energy anymore....I am 67 now and with ptsd/anxiety, I have to pick my battles....the low percentage ones or the "I an't gonna over come this" ones, I have to just let go.....Whatever will be will be..........Thanks for the Hug........I don't like this but I have come to accept it and I am making my peace with it.........today was a biiig breakthrough day for me.....I am well on my way to making peace with it......it is what it is .......I am "OK" with me in that I tried...I did my part, but it was never enough.....I got tired of the heartbreak and I detached....\
Like animals in the wild...they will nurture their cubs equally, but if they see a cub is not going to make it or whatever, they peacefully and lovingly detach and focus on the babies they can be of help too.....My oldest daughter is over weight...quite a bit...I got her blood test results and I don't like her cholesterol and her sugar levels.....THIS "Cub" I can help...so we are doing a diet and exercise program and I am helping her and supporting her and she is losing the weight....20# is gone....SHE wants to prosper and grow..........the other "cub" does not.......so...MamaLioness as EVERYONE calls me....my kids, and all the neighborhood kids call me "MamaLioness" b/c all thse children know that they can come to me and I will make sure they are safe...
A lot of these children are grown now, young men and women, but they still love me and MamaLioness.....my older cub is the one I am gonna give the bulk of my love and attention to b/c #1 she loves her mama and #2 SHE WANTS to better herself....
She got into recovery with me...jump right in and works her program....I sent her a worksheet on boundaries and she told me "mama I got my *homework* and will send you my response soon as I cut the grass which is a foot high" And I know she will...
I Love it that she instead of my beloved SOL is mowing the yard...that is another thing SHE initiated to help herself lose weight.
OK, I got sorta carried away.......I will never close the door to "C" if she wants to demonstrate she wants to change, however , I would be wary for a long time b/c she has hurt me so badly....she would have to show sustained amends for me to believe it.....
Anway, thanks, my good recovery mate for your share
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
HAHAHAHA...David you are sooooo cute....and I just love your picture with that nice smiley face............."cupboard love"....LOL......thats what it is and their are spiders in that cupboard, LOL
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Neshema, I feel for you. It hurts despite all of the recovery work. It sounds like you have lots of people to share your love with. ((hugs))
(((PP))) yea, I had to be tough to survive all what I did growing up with such awful abuse and neglect , marrying alkies, etc, and maybe some of my heart has hardened just a bit, then I see my older daughter and I am all squishy and lovey b/c she is a blessing to me
I have said a lot of "good byes" and yea, maybe as I age it gets easier to let go., to see it for what it is, but that doesn't mean I have to like it...I just accept it and yea, I have my sisters of my heart, ladies I grew up with and one family I lived with a LOT and they wanted to adopt me...so yea, I was lovable even back then and people wanted me...I really am gr8ful for that
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
(((N))) I can sure understand all of what you've written here. Sending lots of compassion and warmth your way. Many prayers for the baby and all the children, too. Glad you got to swim again today and practice your mindfulness, too. From what I've read, you really enjoy both disciplines.
(((N))) I can sure understand all of what you've written here. Sending lots of compassion and warmth your way. Many prayers for the baby and all the children, too. Glad you got to swim again today and practice your mindfulness, too. From what I've read, you really enjoy both disciplines.
(((G))) Hey Grateful....thanks my friend....Its rough, having to detach big time and let stuff go, but it hurts less then smashing my head repeatedly against the same ole wall
oh yea, the mindfullness is UNbeeelievable when I am in the water.....this is really something.....its like there is nothing but me and the water....course 2day there was a TON of roudy teenagers so my "serenity swim" was cut short, LOL, but yea, thanks for prayers for the baby...I don't even know what it is yet.....I have to work 2morrow so she will probably be home over weekend...
Dunno what will transpire, if she asks me why "no show" I am gonna have to tell her that "i am not part of your life, anyway, so what is the big deal?? We dont' have a life together, I dont' share anything w/you so I am just accepting it and living for myself now"
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I had to laugh at the ton of rowdy teenagers and your serenity swim in the same pool. Can you hear me laughing through the board? A purple bathing suit. Regal!
As far as your relationship to your daughter, I hear so much sorrow and confusion for you under the words. Be tender, soft and gentle with yourself, sister, for this night? You'll be given the words you need to speak - if any - by HP when the right time comes. Until then, there's nothing you have to decide about this situation with your daughter, is there? (((N)))
Neshema - if it was a romantic partner that you were just done with or over - I would say leave it at that. However, since it's your daughter....I dunno. I guess I would want to know what a sincere gesture would be for her? She's capable of some change just like you. Are you protecting yourself from hurt or living with a permanent resentment towards her (or both)?
At this point - I'm betting she knows she's on your S**t-list, so even calling and asking you to be there for the birth might have been a positive gesture. Might it have been that she just wanted her mom there? Even if that is selfish and needy...as long as my mom is alive there will be times when "I want my mommy" and that's not all bad. I've also been a thoughtless lit turd to my own mom at times but I try and make living amends now that I'm in recovery.
As far as the past abuse you suffered - Spending time thinking about other people's reactions and feelings and opinions on YOUR abuse will only have you reliving it and being retraumatized. No - it's totally uncool to be "condemned" by family members but something must be really wrong with those people if they need to protect their version of the past that much to be okay with themselves. To some degree - you can let go with a bit more compassion knowing that.
Either way - My point is not that you made wrong decisions by putting boundaries around these family members - only that you do seem still angry and resentful towards them and I know how painful it is to live with that. You seem like one of the sweetest people around and you shouldn't have to live with those feelings.
Either way - My point is not that you made wrong decisions by putting boundaries around these family members - only that you do seem still angry and resentful towards them and I know how painful it is to live with that. You seem like one of the sweetest people around and you shouldn't have to live with those feelings.
This is exactly why I cam back to recovery...to get rid of any resentments towards siblings, that still condemn and curse me....Its not like I hate them, but yea, I smell some still anger in me and they don't even care
As to daughter dearest...I have had it beign hurt by her...she pulled this the last baby birth...I thought it would THIS time bring us together...i lived at that hospital, and soon as she recovered??? same ole thing...she kicked me to the curb...didn't need me anymore...I'm not pissed at her, I am in the grieving, mourning stage.....I know I have to let go of her........I also know I have to let go the anger at these bio family members whom I separated from, but I still, through others get their "jabs".....
I came back here b/c I noticed I was having trouble just letting go.....people are what they are.....I need to let go if they are a detriment...no matter WHO they are, and I wasn't doing that....So back here I am, working on me
I am done "purchasing" pain, either by being close to folks who hurt me OR by my own inablility to get go the anger...so I do agree with you there........My lesson of late has been to let go not just the toxin, but the anger on my part.........
yep, I am glad its progress over perfection, I would be in horrible shape, LOL
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It what my mother used to call 'cupboard love".
David.