Confused and depressed - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Confused and depressed

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

If my AH hadn't become scary mean I think I would still be living in the limbo that you are. You will know at some point but I can tell you this. As someone who has had a great marriage that turned into a sick, alcoholic marriage and been alone, even though I get lonely sometimes it's not as lonely as I felt in an alcoholic marriage where there was little companionship and trust. Try to enjoy your trip - I'm jealous!!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My partner is not a A but I too don't want this relationship but it's hard to break-a-way.

Maybe I want HIM to make that decision. Leave ME. It's funny I can't make it but I would and could let my partner do it. I feel my partner has the same thoughts but when we become to comfortable with the way we live and scared to make the change, we live in the status quo. I except the problems and hurts because it gets better for a while and your like friends......then the S*** hits the fan and you want out but just can't do it. I live a crazy life because of ME.

I have so many thoughts about what I would do, how I can live better....but then it all go's into the dumpster because I am just to scared to make the change. It's being alone??.....HELLO Cathy.......I live with a body that I talk to everyday......WOW what a life...LOL

When your ready to make that decision you will know.....just like me my friend.

(((( hugs ))))

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD:

It seems to me that you have expressed very clearly what many of us have lived with or are living with, complete with conflicting feelings. I know that for me so much of my life and marriage was about the AH--1)what is the climate of our home if he is: drinking, not drinking, controlling his drinking, crazy drinking. 2) what can I do or not do to try amd manage his: drinking, not drinking, controlling his drinking, crazy drinking 3) why does he: drink, not drink, not control his drinking, drink crazily

you get the idea! No wonder why we are exhausted by all of it. I know that for me I ultimately got to the point that the work of trying to manage all of the above was too much for me too. I would say keep coming here, going to meetings, reading, working your program and you will get the answers you need.

In my experience--I filed for divorce after 21 yrs about 2 months ago....NOW the AH is acknowledging that he never really did get sober and that may have saved the marriage, AT THE SAME TIME he is saying our problems really stem from philosophical differences we have! The difference is that now I am not trying to sort that madness out anymore!!

wishing you lots of strength and you know you have lots of support here

YF

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I love

If you go back and read your thread, you will see how most of the focus is on your A husband.

Expectations of the marriage should not be priority until both you and your husband keep the focus on recovery.
Your mind sounds like its doing overtime. In the end our final analysis of what we think the answers might be won't matter.

Try and get the focus off of him for these moments in your life that will not come again.

Remember you are powerless over what he is doing . But you have power over your own life.

Gratefulness and appreciation are the keys.

Hugs,

Bettina

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think when we get sick and tired of something, we get sick and tired and then we do something about it

My daughter is having her 4th baby TODAY....I am not there....why??? B/C I got sick and tired of her using and dumping me.....only wanting me when she needs me then its "i do not exist" till she needs me again

I got a belly full of it and distanced myself...I am not going to share this event w/her....sound horrible, but why should I get attached only to NOT share holidays, birthdays, and the like , why should I put me out there to get cut out, ignored, stood up and dissed????

People a lot of time try to say "well what would Creator want me to do???" I think Creator wants us to use our heads and common sense that he/she gave to us, to work our programs and to LEARN all the stuff we read, hear and see in the program.....We are here under choice and freewill...HP expects us to work our program, follow our inner voice, LISTEN to our HP within and DO what we need to do to take care of US

We can't change the husbands, kids, relatives, boy/girl friends who abuse us, but we can change ourselves and thus stop the abuse by changing ourselves....by leaving or detaching to the point where U R just sharing the same air and that is it, but we don't have to put ourselves out there to have our triggers pulled.....WE an ONLY WE can change our lives.....

We can stay stuck , too....Its all about choice...I taught my kids..."LIFE is a CHOICE away" well??? daughter #1 chooses to love and honour her mother..........daughter #2 chooses to crap on me and use and diss me when she doens't need me......Guess which daughter I am gonna go the extra mile for???

I am going to give my precious energy to those who deserve me and who are there for me , too......

Its sad...To have to distance myself from my own daughter, but she made this bed, and ya know??? I thought I would have a hard time, not going to hosp...I thought I would feel "torn" but I am not.....

I choose to be happy and respected and treated the way I treat people

I had this "potential ciient" I really really needed, but I saw red flags.....I had a list of stuff for him to gather for me b4 I could start work......i have sent him 2 emails asking for a status report, AFTER we had failed to get togher last month........I am letting it go....I see myself having a hard time getting paid if he can't even get his stuff together and answer my emails......

So I am listening to my inner voice.....I will not go to work for this person...I badly need the 2 mornings per week to fill my week up to two days EA. Week., but I will not go to work for someone who cannot even write me back TWICE......I'm just going to have to trust that I will be OK, till I find that last client to fill my week......

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I was once where you are now. One of the greatest regrets was spending so much time NOT being present to my children because my thoughts were so much on what was going on with my husband, my depression, my anger, my blame, our messed up marriageand so on and so on. My kids suffered and I so wish I could go back, hold them, kiss them and tell them how cherished they are. I can do some of that but because I am only 5'2" and they tower over me, I can't swoop them up in my arms! I wish you the best...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok I hear you saying, I don't want to go home. I appreciate he is trying, however at this time I am not feeling any desire to work on this marriage.

You are so sick you are not enjoying your vacation. Limbo is awful. I sure know.

So what stops you from having a separation? Maybe you need a time out. Lets not think about the A at all. Just you. What are the realities of that? Can you afford to live on your own? Would you stay where you are and ask that he go live somewhere else?

If you separate or even divorce, does not mean that in the future you guys could not see each other and maybe remarry. But for now, it sounds like you are saying the marriage is dead. You have made it clear the thought of working on it anymore makes you sick, you have no desire to.
So have you not answered your own questions but are afraid to face it? I may be wrong but it seems like you have been here before? There is nothing wrong with that, remember if nothing changes nothing changes. Doesn't sound like he is all into AA or going to rehab or bringing home literature, talking program talk.

The thing is it does not matter if he is drinking or not! He is an A he is going to drink sometimes and not others. I feel that is the whole point of Al Anon. We look at what we want to live with, how can we adjust ourselves to accept the A as is. It is not up to us what they do.

I don't believe anyone can trust an A. I don't. that is not putting them down at all. I honestly believe they have to work hard on trusting themselves! The disease is always fighting them, they are a second away from relapse their whole lives.

I sure know where you are. I have said it a bunch of times. I don't care if my AH was on program ten years, I would never, ever marry him or see him again. never. That disease almost killed me, robbed me of my financial security for the rest of my life. But I love the person dearly, always will. But again the man I loved is dead.

What is blinding you? Is it fear? As far as throwing in the towel, have you not already? You do not want to go home to him, you do not want to work on the marriage. In my heart I am seeing, that you know the answer but would you be failing if you did not hang in? Does that make sense? I mean it is not going to change with all that you do not want to put into it. If you and he were going to open meetings, him his own meetings. You going to Al Anon and AA get togethers, really working together, then of course you would want to stay. It is very clear you are done with it and "not to thine on self being true," it is making you sick.

We have to face our self. We need to listen to that self. I am in no way telling you what to do. I am only sharing what I have had to think about before. I have to be true to me.

You have been thru some rough stuff. Just becuz it was caused by a disease does not mean it did not hurt!! They think they stop using and are nice a little while and we should be all happy and normal. forget that. we still have open wounds bleeding!

To me that is you, an open wound. Who would want to go back and chance being torn up some more?

What If I said honey you are not going back. When you go home he is moved out. He understands you need space and need some peace. HOw would that feel?

I always say this, we either keep it as is and be miserable,

or we use our skills, stay and accept him or her as is, or we leave or they leave.

I did it from using the skills, accepting him, then when it got dangerous I left.

If we cannot bare it all to our MATE, then what is the relationship? If you went home, or lets say you had a mediator.

You said A, I appreciate how you are being positive. However I cannot trust it.

A I cannot allow myself to accept you as is, and get close becuz I do not want an intimate relationship with you. I don't want you to take my actions as a come on.

I want to be close and just see how it feels with you knowing I want nothing else. If and when I do I will tell you.

How does that make you feel?

I hope this helps some to jiggle your heart some.

Then take a breath and let it go!!!! Focus on one thing, the water, the sky, good food, kids, animals what the air feels like where you are.

BE where you are. And also its ok to say if you want to, when I am back there things are going to change...you don't have to decide what, but YOU know you want things to change.

hugs honey, debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn nailed it IMO. Nothing to add to that other than supporting you...

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear ILD: I have a wondering on the wandering in the desert for 40 years story: Was it God who made the folks wander in the desert that long or did the people wander on their own in that way as God struggled for 40 years to bring them out of the desert? (A little Midrash-ic thinking maybe?)

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 12th of July 2013 08:12:05 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, grateful, I like that one! ILD, I have seen your posts for a longtime..he is a con artist..that is what is. My friend was married to a con artist/narcissist, cruelly abused her emotionally, mentally, had multiple affairs and she knew all of this..constantly talked as you are to herself...he ended the marriage for another woman and she is a total wreck. She thought if she waited long enough, he would see her value and change his ways. It did not matter how direct her friends were with her before and after her divorce, she kept the same old chatter in her head, refused to see her part and she cannot be free because she continues to torture herself with the same 'ol same 'ol. She has taken up with different friends so she can continue with her stories, as those of us who see through her stuff cannot listen anymore...she drains us. I have grown very fond of you and I am in no way being disrespectful or negating your pain. You are more than your story...you are a loving, compassionate, valuable, creative woman and mother. You are lovingly supported by us and others in your life...... (((hugs)))

-- Edited by PP on Friday 12th of July 2013 09:13:19 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Another thought that may fit for you as it did me. I stayed in the conditions of my marriage and others as well because I was prideful and feared humiliation. After all, I worked at a mental health center with addicition counselors, worked full time raising 4 children, had already had one divorce (so I SHOULD) know better..I was hot stuff and had a fine persona going on (at least I thought). There was no way I wanted anyone to see I was broken..I was a perfectionist. Other broken, perfectionists saw me as a role model, I was at the top of my heap. I can laugh now and I know your pain. Surrender is about seeing what is..what is about the other person AND more importantly what is about us. Happy hunting for what really is the what is about you. There is never any judgment about the what is. (((hugs)))

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

You guys are awesome, as usual. I have worked hard to see 'what is'. I know the truth and yes, the truth has set me free. Yes, I have fears. Most of them are financial, many of them are also related to pride as Paula indicated, as well. I guess I get confused because I see and hear someone who appears to be changing, but after years of this marriage, I am too afraid to dip my toe in the pool, let alone my entire body. I walk around wondering if I'm being unfair to him, despite what he's said or done or how he's treated us in the past.

I try to work my program but sometimes I feel like that's opening the door to more problems because he's not in recovery, the way we understand it. Maybe he's working his own sort of recovery on his own? The only thing I know is that working anything on your own is bound to fail because God created us to need others, to get support from others, and to find accountability in numbers. So, again, I'm back to the trust issue. Then, I wonder how much of that is MY problem and I go through my 'ifs'.

If only I'd take down a few walls and test things out with him, then I'd be able to see better.
If only I'd work my steps harder and get through this dang step 7 faster, maybe HP will show me my path faster, LOL.
If this, then that. If I do this, then maybe this would happen.
You get the picture.

What Debilyn said, I have shared with my AH a few months ago. I told him that the positive steps he was taking were great but that I needed a lot of time to see if they were real changes. He wanted a time frame: how many months before I'd let him get intimate with me? How many months of positive behavior did he have to exhibit before I took down walls? That's when I knew his change wasn't real. It was a selfish attempt to make some surface changes to just get in my pants. Then, he went right back to doing what he does: drinking and driving, blaming the neighbors for stuff, lying about crap, etc. Once he realized I wasn't coming around in 'his' expected time frame, the gloves came off.

But, this time is different. We haven't been talking about 'us' anymore. I stopped communicating about us because of the example above. I just let it be. The changes he's making now are his own, with nothing coming from me verbally. He knows I'm done and maybe that's why he's taking steps in his own way? And, hence my confusion. I know there is a saying that goes, "More will be revealed." And, so, I will sit and wait for that revelation to occur. Heck, how long did Noah wait for the flood, LOL? How long did Moses walk through the desert? God is definitely testing my patience.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Another thought that may fit for you as it did me. I stayed in the conditions of my marriage and others as well because I was prideful and feared humiliation. After all, I worked at a mental health center with addicition counselors, worked full time raising 4 children, had already had one divorce (so I SHOULD) know better..I was hot stuff and had a fine persona going on (at least I thought). There was no way I wanted anyone to see I was broken..I was a perfectionist. Other broken, perfectionists saw me as a role model, I was at the top of my heap. I can laugh now and I know your pain. Surrender is about seeing what is..what is about the other person AND more importantly what is about us. Happy hunting for what really is the what is about you. There is never any judgment about the what is. (((hugs)))

WOW...this was me during SECOND AH marriage....I, too was in a good job...on site controller of a decent little company.....already was a one time divorcee, and I was the "hottie" on the job, I dressed respectful but really trendy with my natural blonde hair, and atheltic build, Yea, the guys loved me, thought I was the ultimate in "cool and classy" but inside I was broken....I felt I was a failure b/c marriage #2 was going down the tubes......I, too was good at hiding my pain, keeping my real life a secret......BOY does this post ring true for me.....I sure was good at putting on a facade, but inside I knew......Now with recovery, I can just be me...its easier to me imperfect, sometimes angry, sometimes scared, sometimes vulnerable, but always open, willing and honest, little imperfect me...I don't have to put on a facade, I can rest easy in just being imperfect little me......i can see what it is about me and its OK.....and I can make mistakes, see them, own them and learn from them the best way I can.........

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Bonnie in my beliefs, God gives you choice. He has sat upon you many things to think about, others have too. Now it is totally uph to you to make your choices.

Believe me once you make the decission, the rest will fall into place becuz hp will give you a map. I lost almost half my income, lived in a room in my barn with no power or water. Had to run an extension cord and hose up. But I am telling you it was soooooo much better than living with that horrible disease one more day!

Even now with all the pains of where I am, I am still happier. I would rather live in my truck, pull a cute little trailor with my animals and live in that than go back to living with that disease!

have faith, risks are what makes our lives enrichened! love love, debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Me, too, Debilyn and Ilovedogs. When I separated and then divorced, I went from living moderately well to instant poverty. I had an 18 month old and a 3 year old to raise and made $4.50 an hour - not enough to pay all of the bills. I worked hard, grieved hard, suffered what was necessary during that time, and was so scared living by myself for the first time and so little self-esteem (the real reason for so much fear), I piled cans in front of my doors at night and slept with a hammer under my pillow. But it was worth it to me. When I supplied the willingness, God supplied the way and the means. It wasn't easy. It was very, very hard. But, not as hard as living with that disease and the ugliness it brings. I began to feel as if I had control of my self and my own life again and I grew. It didn't take long to put the cans back in the cupboards and the hammer back in the tool drawer.

stephaniej · Senior Member

((HUGS)) to you Bonnie. I understand (and I believe most, if not all, of us can understand) the inability to find joy in something that is obviously joyful like a vacation, because of the weight of alcoholism and the weight of our own illnesses.

I think you have gotten a ton of ESH here that is so insightful and so helpful. I also had to take an honest, hard look at WHERE the expectations of "moving forward" and "putting things behind" us were coming from. I spent a long time being angry because I felt like my AH was placing those expectations on me. I resented that. We actually had a productive, calm conversation about this several months ago. He talked about how one of the reasons he is always so insistent that we "resolve" things right away, and that I immediately tell him that we're "fine" is because he works in a very dangerous trade and the general mindset is always to avoid having emotional stuff hanging over your head. I explained that I just need more time to process things, etc. But even after that talk, I still felt very resentful and unsettled. I did a lot of soul searching, and finally recognized that I was the one placing those expectations on myself. I was angry at myself for hanging on to past hurts, past misdeeds, past betrayals. I had to realize that my heart will forgive when it's ready, and I will move on when I'm ready. If I'm ever ready. But that I also can't let my doubt and mistrust and hurt ruin my ability to enjoy life, or my ability to be an engaged parent, or my ability to be a reliable and conscientious employee.

Be gentle with yourself, first and foremost. I truly believe we have been through (or are still in the middle of) an all-out war. Despite what our As tell us, or what we tell ourselves, you don't just get over that stuff in a week, or a month, or even a year.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.