The material presented
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Having read both your post tonight, it just set off a bunch of red flags for me. In 2007, my oldest and favorite sister, married for 27 years to a alcoholic, couch potato, decided to talk to a attorney and find out what her options were regarding a separation, divorce, monetary concerns etc. She scheduled a free consultation with a law firm. That day she didn't get off work on time, so she was a few minutes late to the appointment. The law firm called her house to find out if she was still coming in, and her drunk husband answered the phone. He found out that she was in communication with a law firm that specializes in family law, (ie. divorces). When she got home, not knowing that the law firm had called the house, he asked why she was so late getting home from work, and she just told him that she had to stay an extra hour to finish an inventory. He walked to the back of the house where the master bedroom was, got a .45 caliber hand gun out of the closet, where they had kept it for years... walked back into the living room, put it to her head and pulled the trigger. She died instantly. He got convicted of her murder, got 53 year sentence as part of a plea agreement for pleading guilty. He was 58 years old at the time, so in essence a life sentence without the possibility of parole.
My young niece lost both her mother and father in one day. Suddenly, without any fore warning. I become the touch stone for her and her younger brother, my nephew as they went through all this stuff. During a prison visit to see her dad for the first and last time since this happened she asked why, how could he do this? His reply was..."I would have never done this to your mother, I know I did do it, but I loved your mother dearly and the only reason I can think of that makes any sense to me is that I was drunk and not in my right mind at all when I pulled that trigger".
27 years of marriage, a loyal and dedicated mother and wife, a woman who worked and had already retired from one job and started working at another had become concerned about her safety, if her husband found out she was going to talk to an attorney, tried to protect herself by hiding the appointment with the law firm from him. Something went seriously wrong when caller ID allowed him to call the number back of the person asking to speak to her, and hearing ... "such and such family law firm" when the receptionist answered the phone. Thats all he heard or knew and it resulted in her death that day.
I miss my sister every day, she was the best! Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe, no matter what your brain thinks about the risk factor. My sister never expected to die that day when she got home.
Again, do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe. A broken heart, mixed with alcohol is a very dangerous combination.
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I'm so glad you've stepped up the effort to protect yourself and that the therapist gave you the new info that I hope will happen sooner than later. The information you gave the therapist is something they need to know, too. Sorry the mental health people couldn't give you more support than that, but he may come into their radar screen, too, and the information you have given them if in a report may also be helpful in ways you can't see yet.
I'm also happy you're not terrified but more proactive. The jail thing will be a blessing for all of you although he will hate every minute of it. It still keeps folks safer and he gets to dry out for awhile. It's not recovery, but its another start especially if they have AA groups there. In our area, we have people from the mental health facility in residence in the jail. Who knows, maybe one of their workers will end up recommending his being confined to a mental hospital.
You are all in my prayers. Glad you're getting the RO. Once you do all you can do, then its all in HPs hands from there. Sad as it is, if you haven't already done it, your children will need to be on red alert for awhile, too. Until he's put into jail. This man's disease is a danger to everybody - even his children. I'm really sorry, my friend. This sure isn't what you'd planned for your life. I'm just happy you have some supports in your life and are making your way through to a better one with HP's guidance, Al-Anon, and MIP. Hugs.
As an aside: The mental health professionals don't see driving drunk a suicidal act or being hospitalized after drinking repeatedly? Funny how so many of us pay attention to what is being said rather than what is being done. If he says, "I'm going to kill myself and others," then its a danger sign, but if he's driving drunk or repeatedly hospitalizing himself following drinking binges - that doesn't create a furor of activity. We should all be in Al-Anon is my take on it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 11th of July 2013 07:33:29 AM
Just a quick update on my last post regarding the gun and my safety. I talked to the mental health/substance abuse authorities and they couldn't do much but make a report unless he was threatening suicide. I did talk to his therapist who gave me some encouraging news. My AH has to go to court at the end of the month on a reckless driving charge (just under the limit for a DWI ). I thought this would just be a slap on the wrist but he will be ordered to surrender his driver's license and go to jail for a year or go to ASAP classes where he is allowed no alcohol for 1 year. None. He will be tested regularly and when, not if, he fails he will be put in jail or inpatient rehab and his therapist is going to recommend a long stay. When he comes out, he is still under the court rule of no alcohol and jail is the only option if he breaks it -no rehab. I also changed my mind and I am going to get the restraining order. The therapist said it's another way to get into the court system. I am going to follow up on some of the protecting myself suggestions that were mentioned in the responses to my last post. I also set an appt. to meet with an atty. regarding all of this and the upcoming date in August when I can file for divorce. My gut tells me to be careful but I'm not terrified at this point. I am going to be keep my no contact with him rule going and be more proactive in protecting myself. Finally hope to see him have some consequences for his actions. So tired of his I can do whatever I want attitude.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that I'm proud of you taking so good care of yourself and trying to move on in life, one day at a time, one step at a time. You are doing great! :)
john
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
This is why we say alcoholism is progressive and leads to 3 places: Jails, institutions, and/or death. Sounds like you are taking some good measures. I know from the outside it looks like he has a "I can't do anything! Tra la la!" attitude... But of course he is actually living in a constant state of fear, misery, depression, and trying to alter that reality. It is probably more like a horrid nightmare that he can't wake up from so he just drinks. Not that I am condoning it or minimizing the fact that he could be a real danger to you (and I also do believe getting away from an addict/alcoholic who is that badly progressed is probably best or they will take you down with them) - but it might help to deal with anger at him by recognizing this is surely not fun for him and not what he wanted. Addiction sucks.
It has to be horrible. I flip and flop between feeling so sad for him and wanting to wring his neck for returning to what is causing every problem. Such a confusing disease to deal with. John, I am so sorry to hear about your sister. So sad and scary and stupid. The number of years married just jumped out at me. We would have celebrated 27 years this August but will instead be starting a divorce. I hope and pray that is where our similarities end.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
That's why you take care of you first and if you AH does get well he will be there someday in the future. To care about him at this point is pointless. Just love him in your heart and pray for him. That is the best you can do for now...
Let Go Let God
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hugs!!! You mentioned confusing disease in your last post. I just posted about my own confusion. Hmm, why can't life be cut and dry, right? So glad you are taking care of yourself, though. My AH also has an 'I can do whatever I want attitude' and continued with it even after going to jail. Keep taking care of yourself, because his bottom or his change or his turn around (whatever you want to call it) may not happen when you think it should. Sending you lots of support!
I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that I'm proud of you taking so good care of yourself and trying to move on in life, one day at a time, one step at a time. You are doing great! :)
john
((((((((((((((((((John)))))))))))))) that share you gave us re: your sister was sooooo sad...I am so sorry for all the pain you have had to go through your life......I hope your son and you spraying that roof together and sharing a hug is a sign of only good things to come your way.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
The therapist said it's another way to get into the court system. I am going to follow up on some of the protecting myself suggestions that were mentioned in the responses to my last post. I also set an appt. to meet with an atty. regarding all of this and the upcoming date in August when I can file for divorce. My gut tells me to be careful but I'm not terrified at this point. I am going to be keep my no contact with him rule going and be more proactive in protecting myself. Finally hope to see him have some consequences for his actions. So tired of his I can do whatever I want attitude.
I am SOOOOOOOOO proud of you, taking care of you............and YES....PLEASE be careful, cover your butt and just watch your back......what John says is real....You GOT to be careful......but it WILL end for you, you just have to stay the course.....You know in your gut you are doing the right thing..........PEACE my dear, and I am sending you BIG protection energy .........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm very very glad to hear you are getting a restraining order. I realize it's only a piece of paper the reality is this .. at any point and do not second guess yourself you feel unsafe you call the police for any reason. They are more than happy to come out and make sure things are ok. Remember with a restraining order you also have to follow the same guidelines or the restraining order becomes invalid.
Show up to court when you need to be there and don't allow pity to play a part .. while you don't need to create a crisis, these are his consequences to his actions and jail may be the best place for him to get a reboot. At least if he's angry he can't be angry in your presence.
For me it works like this .. I can't call him, text him, get involved on any level and if I do the police have to be involved meaning .. if I feel the kids are in an unsafe environment then I call them and they escort the children out bring them to me and we leave. I can't third party contact him and this proves to be tricky because we have minor children still .. I do whatever it is that I can do without getting the atty's involved. He still tries and force some issues I just document.
I would see about asking if there is a no weapons law in your state for alcohol related issues some states to have them. Meaning if he has weapons they must be turned over and he can't purchase anything through gun shops or whatever. I was in court yesterday and heard some things like that being stated .. you can go and talk to the district atty and explain your concerns. They usually only meet with people on certain days and so on .. it's about whatever you need to do to feel safe. You have a right to feel safe in any given situation and someone in an altered state of mind is not safe.
I thought with my STBAX's issues of drinking that all would be fixed if he would just have to stop drinking and the reality is in his case they got worse. He wore something called a SCRAM as soon as it came off and while he was on probation he was posting ON facebook that he was drinking. On an open page even. So it's kind of like a restraining order, .. unless someone says hey excuse me .. nothing will happen.
Other than that I really encourage you to keep taking care of you and doing the next right thing for yourself in your situation. Part of the only reason mine is not in jail is that when he's violated the OP it would be his daughter putting him in jail. I wouldn't do that the first time .. now .. in heart beat I would no problem. She's been fully apprised of what will happen if this continues.
It's not your job to keep him out of trouble .. and that's something I've really had to come to terms with .. my atty said well we don't want him in jail and I laughed and said .. umm .. that's where he's going if he keeps it up .. I'm done completely done at this point. Get things resolved or he will go to jail.
Anyway, big hugs it will keep getting better.
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
