Drunk Driving??? - Al-Anon Family Group

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Drunk Driving???

In The Forest · Veteran Member

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of boundaries I want to set for myself. Like a lot of people here I am struggling to learn what kind of behaviors are enabling and what behaviors are detachment. I am getting better at it but still have a ways to go. I am trying to figure out where driving for the alcoholic fits into that. I have read some things about people who have a spouse that has had a license taken away and need to be able to get to work and situations like that where not assisting with driving hurts the other person.

I'm confused about more casual driving situations. Am I enabling by giving a ride? What if I leave a person to fend for themselves and I know there is a good chance they might drive drunk or get a ride with another drunk driver. I am leaning towards thinking they should fend for themselves and if something happens it might be the wake up call they need. But, I just don't know. I'm just trying to figure out where to set my boundaries for the future and struggling with it. The subject confuses me.

For me, not being in the car with a drunk would be my choice. Being in the car would cause me anxiety, stress, fear etc. I don't like being with the drunk stranger. But, the guilt if something bad happened because I wasn't driving would be awful.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

When married to the X A, he drove drunk, I never got into his truck.

I always drove my car!!! That was my boundary. And I stuck too it.

A couple of times I even gave his license plate # to the police, especially when he would turn up missing for a few days.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH drives drunk, he thinks it's one of his privileges, despite having an interlock on his car. He steals my car, he drives rental cars(yes, they rent to him and don't check his license restrictions). I can only protect myself. I won't ride with anyone who's drunk. I will hide the keys if I have to and I will call the police if I feel they are a danger to society. My neighbors and friends are on the road, I don't want to have my AH endanger them. He got his DUI just a mile from our home and he was supremely intoxicated with a .23 BAC! It was only at 9 PM and I have so many friends who traverse that intersection, I realized that the only thing I could do is call the police and report him. When he travels and rents cars, it's a different story because I don't know anything about the car or even know where it is that he is drinking. Then, I just turn it over to my HP and pray!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I absolutely am no longer in a car with a drunk driver. I had an experience of that a year or so ago when someone who drove me home drove through a red light. I don't need that in my life anymore. I am no longer responsible for anyone else but me. I can certainly express my own concern but I do not do for others what they can do for themselves. If someone drives drunk that is their choice not mine. I exhausted myself for years taking care of other people and being overly responsible to others.

For everyone it is their personal choice in the moment. I know absolutely that alcoholics/addicts rely on others to take care of so many issues in their lives. At times I have taken care of certain issues but I have limits these days. I have a lot of limits and far more control than I ever did before. I have also learned to trust myself and my judgment.

Maresie.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

It took me a long time to get to a point where I am able to say .. not my consequences even though .. his actions bring me collateral damage. It's very hard and scary .. guess what .. where there is a will there is a way.

About 4 months into the suspended license and a lot of really insane behavior .. chopping wood at 3am, exercising at that hour doing things that were just not normal .. the thing that actually pushed me was when he started waking me up at 230am to be to work by 330 and then telling me he didn't need to be to work at that hour. I started saying nope .. you gotta find your own way. A couple of times he changed times on me so many times for pick up's I actually forgot the time I had to be there .. lol. I mean honestly it wasn't on purpose .. his pick ups and drop offs .. that was on him .. pick a time and stick to it instead of sending so many mixed signals.

You have to be willing to accept the consequences of those things and it can be extremely scary. In my case the relationship didn't last and I'm not sad about it anymore .. it needed to happen, if nothing changes .. well nothing changes and everyone is different when it comes to a bottom.

Hugs P :)

In The Forest · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone! I guess knowing what I know it really makes sense to say I'm not going to be your taxi driver so that you are free to drink. Yet, in our society where having a designated driver is pushed so hard as an option to allow people to drink it really probably seems crazy to most people who don't have to deal with this fear to say no I'm not going to be your designated driver.

Where did this crazy idea of a designated driver get started?? There is such a strong campaign for it. The push really should be for not drinking so much you are incapable of functioning and driving a car. And, if you can't function and drive a car then call a cab or get on a bus but take responsibility for yourself. Pushing people to be a designated driver is pushing people to enable their loved ones.

I think I now realize the difficulty for all of this with me is not knowing and doing what is right but standing up to the societal misperception of what is right. I feel like saying I won't be your designated driver is taboo in our society. Thanks for all of your input. I would still love to hear more!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.