Freedom to make choices / self-doubt. - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Freedom to make choices / self-doubt.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Pink..."Self Doubt" why not? Self doubt helped me to question and take my time rather than just react which was one habit that I got rid of in program. I read you post and revisit many lessons from my sponsorship and literature (Big Book included) that I learned to take at face value at first and then with more practice...faith and then assurance. The recovery we have been given is ancient and still working. I keep working it.

In my research with my disease I learned many things and only one important thing I learned about myself as alcoholic was that alcoholics are "risk takers" and when I read that I came to understand about all of the choices I made in my life and many of them turning out successful even if being "successful" meant that I didn't die as a result...That isn't a joke...it's true. I led a very very risky life and I'm still here. I researched further and my research led me to research the relationship HP has with us "normal folk", people of all design. In that research I found a definition of the word "Spirit" as I was coming to understand as being in how the disease affects me and others....Mind, Body, SPIRIT, and emotions and the definition came out..."Intention in living, in choices" What spirit did I have? What was my motivation and intention? I received at huge AHA!! as a result of my research because it came and comes from the inventory question "Who are you and why do you do what you do"? In the answer to that question is the definition of the Will Of God which for me is Love entirely, constantly, with intention...Very much like how Tresea of Avila talks about. Go read about that lady and ask your self "Is this a codependent or is she living the will of God"?

I found also that working the will of God...doing my work in love and by love and as love made my work so much more successful and me more confident that it was what and how I should be doing. One drink and one compulsive attempt to power and control another person and take their life away from their own recovery made the whole lesson go away.

After all what is the greatest desire we have? Isn't it that we be loved and also to be found loving?

I found also that I must include myself within the intention of Love because I most always was the connection between my patients and God. In order to "walk the talk" I had to reflect the image which was rocket science and then practice because I had sponsorship which was awesome and committed to saving my life.

Doubt is natural...We don't always know the choice or the consequence however (a lesson) "If I choose the consequence I want first than I can make the better choice"...the result isn't an accident it was what I intended and within what HP intended and even if the process looks very personal (Pink Chips Process) the outcome is right, proper and acceptable.

Listen to the feedback you get from the fellowship around you...AA, Al-Anon, Work, HP, Sponsors, your inner spirit, your intention in the first place and the one you carry with you 24/7. Do it because of LOVE. Just for me that is the name of my Higher Power...it is even written and stated in as ancient writings as the Bible. Part of my research.

I am not degreed...I came out of college early and without the degree and didn't take the time to get certificated because there was a program that wanted to hire me before I even decided what it was I wanted to do. I went to college to understand the disease that swept both sides of my family into the gutter and most of my relationship and myself. I wanted to know about it's absolute power and my defenselessness over it. I wanted to understand this "son of a bitch" which could and would beat my ass into submission where I hated to submit to anything...and I found out...I came to understand the chemical and what it is, what it does, why it's still here and why I am absolutely powerless over it. When I was interviewed...they called me, I didn't call them...I was told by the director "I've heard about you and want you to come work for us". I didn't know what he mean't and just accepted that news of what is in the recovery world is wide. I became a technician...a worker ant...those with degrees around me wrote the prescriptions and protocols and often inspite of that I did the work...with what I knew. Often a Phd or MA would pull me on the side and ask "How do you do what you do"? They didn't comprehend the successes which were not taught in colleges. Most of them never knew the disease as we know it...from within our cells and in our behavior and in our emotions and thinking processes. "I do what I do because I am them". Intimacy. Intimacy is a characteristic of Love...My HP is called Love and is intimate with me...and with you and with every other searcher in the program and this MIP forum. We understand because we are each other -and- love each other and we know our Higher Powers.

You already know...I know you know. In love and with love you ought to give it away. You have for so many and you have gotten the feed back that you know and know that you and know and what you know helps to heal others who don't. Maybe your self doubt is generic fear...your mind is telling you stuff that ain't real...False Evidence Against Reality. Our Big Book talks about fear being the primary factor. Believe it because it is a truth (emotional defect...temporary and recoverable). Stop practicing it go ahead with what is real...PinkChip and his experiences, before, during and present. You're not any different than your patient regardless of what chair you sit in...you're clean and sober and just 1/4 inch further on in recovery. Give it away. Make your recovery count. Don't fix the drunk give them the tools to fix the drunk themselves.

I will keep you in my prayers as I keep all who Love. (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 10th of July 2013 01:32:54 PM

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 10th of July 2013 01:38:32 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

So a whole lot in my life has changed in the 5 years that I have been sober and also been out of a relationship with another drunk. I recall that when I was in that position, my whole life revolved around alcoholism/addiction and I had no choices. All I ever did was complain about my life and I was a giant victim of circumstances. I didn't realize at the time I was using my addict partner and also alcohol to stunt my own growth and to stop me from ever having to grow up, change, and face the world as it is.

It states in our literature (AA literature which is often then considered alanon literature too) that we will know a new happiness and a new freedom from working the program. This is definitely true. It's like the concept of "Drop the Rock" only I dropped 2 rocks (my own destructive drinking and my messed up alcoholic partner of 7 years at the time). So - Now I can move about the world freely and I truly feel like I can do anything.

But what do I often wind up doing with this newfound freedom? I obsess and think about the next big change that I want to make in my life. Yes. Life is so much better but I am wondering if there ever comes a period after you/we have been through what we have and just feel content at what is and don't really want to change anything?

Where is all this coming from? Well, I quit my job (2 weeks notice) to start a full time job at a rehab. There are some definite benefits - but some drawbacks too. I am worried about it and obsessing to some degree. For example - "Why the hell would I want to be around messed up druggies and drunks all day? Is that what I got sober and left my ex-A for? WTF is wrong with you?!" The counter thought to that would be "You come to MIP every morning. You go to tons of meetings. The 12 steps saved your life and now your purpose is to give back in every way you know how."

So I guess I am grateful that I have freedoms and I can make these choices. I know these are "luxury problems" meaning that they are NOTHING compared to the BS I worked through with my ex and my own crazy drinking/destructive traits. However - I guess I'm just anxious and questioning myself and my choices. I hope I'm not making a mistake. I know I posted here about possibly working in an IOP program part time a while back. That never panned out but this full time job in an inpatient rehab did.

If I would just "think less" I would probably not even sweat it. Some times I have to yell at myself "Stop thinking!!!" so that my inner dialog stops being so neurotic and crazy. That is 90 percent of why I drank anyhow. I am disturbed by my own thinking and I just want it to stop a lot of the time. But instead of reaching for the bottle now or trying to get support from those incapable of giving it (another active drunk). I reach out to others. So that is what I'm doing. Not necessarily fishing for reassurance - but I suppose I would take it (needy insecure character defects popping up there). Would really like to hear more from others about self-doubt...how you decide what to do with your life when it's no longer totally in havoc. How do you know you are really doing what your HP wants and what you are supposed to be doing? I've been around for a while and I still kinda struggle with these things.

Thanks guys.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Great inquiries Pinkchip. I am close to 60 years of age, have done a godzillion hours of analysis, self analysis, recovery work, workshops, retreats, reading, etc etc and I still question my choices, what my HP wants, am I doing what my HP wants, blah blah..it is surprising I never drank with all of this chatter. The difference now, though, is I can usually rest in that is just what I do and for me, I need to do 20 minutes of sitting, quiet, contemplation each day, do something creative/fun, get some exercise and do something to be of service to bring into alignment my mind, my heart and my body. If I don't, I get a bit nutso. I can imagine God just gets the biggest laugh sometimes Take good care!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mark

I have found that if I truly practice these principles in all my affairs I will know HP's will for me. I now refuse to project ,live one day at a time, focused on myself, trusting the inner guidance of HP and have faith that I will be and am doing HP's will

How to turn off the inner negative voices- I repeat a slogan, say the serenity prayer , pray and meditate daily

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Pinkchip, I love reading your posts there so enlightening and easy to understand, I can't really offer much but just to say you have a wealth of knowledge and experience to pass on where ever you go, how wonderful to reach a point in life where your choices are purely your own, it's hardly surprising to me that there is self doubt, when so many of your old choices were based on ever shifting quick sand, the difference now is you get to choose your own path, good luck my friend on your new venture x

Katy

x

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

If you are doing a lot of thinking about it and questioning yourself lets think about what will happen.

When you go to meetings and speak. When you are helping your sponsees, when you come and post on MIP. When you do anything in helping others......how do you feel afterwards? That's they way your going to feel working and getting paid for it.

If you didn't take the position I think you will still have many more questions, so I think your the person that has to challenge himself and know in the end you can do it and be proud to boot.

Don't sweat it.......you have the talent to do anything you put your mind too. LOL....I feel it in my bones.

(((( hugs ))))

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Aaaah . . . the curse of thinking too much. haha. I always feel that if I'm making the right choice, the pieces just seem to fall into place and it all fits. It's the times that I feel I'm forcing a decision and making it fit that my mistakes are made .From the outside looking in, it seems that you are going to make such a difference in the lives of so many people. One thing that always helps me is knowing I am free to change my miind and go somewhere else at any time. Maybe that's all HP had in mind from the beginning. Go with your gut.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Your post is still working on me, probably because your struggles mirror mine...you asked if any of us struggle with self doubt...I absolutely do in many areas..do I think too much? yep..this is when I know I need to do the things I know to do to get me quiet so I can hear and know God's guidance. My mind is not my friend without the partner of my heart. Your struggles are good..just like a butterfly struggles to leave the cocoon. I have come to believe that we are never in the wrong place..for me, I sometimes just stay WAY too long. This thread will probably keep chewing on me as I piddle about today.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Our meeting topic last night was actually along this thought line. How do you make decisions, how do you know what is right for you. It's a common character trait to think, and think, and overthink things. We said similar things to what has already been shared, prayer, reading, slogans, and reaching out to others when we need to sort things out.

I always appreciate your insight and perspective and I know other's do too. I'm excited for you, for this new opportunity. I truly believe HP doesn't open these kinds of doors unless they are the direction that HP is leading!!!

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I find my "stinking thinking" creates a lot of havoc in my life, too, and I don't even have a substance dependency that I'm trying to avoid.

I relate a lot, Pink.

I can tell you in my own experience, I have had those golden moments of feeling completely content with life as it was presented to me - not feeling like I needed to change anything or obtain extra possessions / friends, boyfriends, or go do extraordinary things, etc.

I'm currently traipsing through a low valley in my life right now, however, and the "stinking thinking" has been giving me no rest. A few days ago I drove myself to tears and just hollered at my ego "Please, STOP! Leave me alone! Let me have peace!" That discontent ego is overanalyzing EVERYTHING. My relationship doesn't feel "right"... so I have to DO something about it. My job isn't what it used to be anymore and I don't feel happy about it... so I have to DO something about it. I never do anything creative anymore... what's wrong with me... I need to DO something about it.

Every "I need to DO something about it." feels like an additional weight being added to my shoulders and it leaves me feeling more and more helpless and worthless because I'm not living up to these grand expectations I have of myself that I'm supposed to be perfect and magically make all these things happen with little effort and no self-doubt.

All I can say is right now the only answer for me through all this discontent is to get myself to more meetings, pick up that 1000-pound phone and call my sponsor, and keep praying to my HP, asking for guidance. Some days I just wake up and say, "Okay, God - this is your day today. Just show me what you want me to do and I'll do it."

I guess the one silver lining I can see in this current muck I'm slogging through is that I don't have to do it alone. I can share my problems with others and somehow it relieves some of the burden I feel - even if nothing else has changed.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Love to see you post Mark. I know it may sound weird, but I don't have self doubt really. I tend to make a decision and just do it. I see a house I want, that is it. I see a horse I want, that is it. I could have seen some before but when I make the decision I know it is the right one.

My Hp is the creator. So I read the Bible a lot. I learned that we are not to be anxious. In order not to, we take one day at a time. We do all we can that day, then we stop. plainly stop. read, dance, watch a dumb movie, take a nap, play with animals, go volunteer, cook, paint a room. Whatever.

It's ok to block out our minds with trivial things or hard work. I learned to focus on the task I am doing. At work I just worked, thought of nothing else. If I am reading I read for hours. If I am spraying off my deck, I like to have the spaces clean, that is all I think about. I think we can train ourselves to not over think things.

Believe me I used to till I came here. Had to analize every darn thing. It does not matter what made you choose this new path as far as a career. Just do it! Trust yourself that at the time you made a wise decision. I believe we do best what we know. It does feel good to help others find their path. Remember though, we give them the message, they have to accept it and carry it thru.

We all need to get into our passion/bliss what it is that tickles us the most. For me it is my animals. My son has a very stressful career as a top leadman for a remodel company. He gets off work and heads to go fishing. Then leave him alone as that is all he focuses on.He is a thinker like you.

My manfriend says a bad day of fishing is better than a good day at work.

So what are you passionate about? If you do not know, then I invite you to go find it! Try different things, surfing, fishing, parachuting, hiking, back pack, ride horses, go grab books from the library into a comfy spot and just look and read!

Do you like art, go to places to see it. I believe your heart needs stimulation in things that are almost play. We all need to play. It is such a huge part of us, many adults lose.

Do you live alone? do you like dogs? Go adopt a dog from a shelter. Take it to the park and just see how many people will talk to you. GREAT way to meet people. Plus you need a companian.

Sometimes we get so dragged down by lifes heavy stuff, we forget to go birdwatching, or stomp in the mud with rubber boots. Go walk dogs at a shelter. or sit and brush them.

did you ever see the ad, the dog, the kids, the cooking the cleaning... "Calgon Take Me Awaaaaaay?" So what do you Mark want to take you away? As far as HP, he is right there. If it were not right you would feel it. He does not predestine anyway. we have choice. So what are ya going to do? What do you love/like? Whatever you say first, fast is your answer!

Hugs,debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate and I think like others before me had stated, it helps me to look at what I am doing and reason it out on both sides. However when the decision is made I have learned I have to hand it over or make myself go ape in my head. I can and do have stinkin thinking at times and we all know that it doesn't help not one bit. Try to let go and let God with it and just let it flow and it will freely unfold for you. New things scare me and I love routine and that gets me like nothing else, but to dive in and move forward is to truly live. I believe you have really thought this out, you are a wise man and now I think maybe it's time to naturally let go and let this new path reveal itself to you. I am sending you much love and support on your journey my friend!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There is much wisdom in these responses. Thanks all!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:
There is much wisdom in these responses. Thanks all!

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Mahatma Ghandi

No matter where you are or what you do with your life, I think Ghandi's words will apply. I'm just happy that you are going to try on this new opportunity for size. I'm grateful for the many ways your thoughts, actions and words have helped me most especially in relationship to my much loved, very sick son. (((PC)))

As I said in my previous post: Have fun with all this. We coda's can sometimes take ourselves and life way, way too seriously, and squeeze out the joy that is supposed to be ours.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Actually for me?....Happiness has always been a new Oreo Cookie (chocolate of course!!) and a cold glass of milk. hmmmmmm just picture that. smile

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip:

Sometimes I think of the 'positive side' of self doubt as self reflection; of course with your experience and clarity working in a rehab situation sounds like the perfect way to give back. I also struggle very mightily with projection; very very difficult for me not to think of what the next big thing might be.

I hope you have seen how much your posts and insights mean to those of us here; the addicts you will be working with are lucky that you took that job!

well wishes

Mary

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.