Not Sure How To Handle This ??? - Al-Anon Family Group

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Not Sure How To Handle This ???

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Worn out have you got a restraining order against him? Talk to a family or woman's protective service and get leadership from them. Keep coming back here also. Of course be careful. ((((hugs)))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a tough thing..........IF this were me.......

FIRST I dont know all the details...where you live, where he lives, how reliable is this "friend" and also if you were to just go to the police dept. and tell them what u posted here, dunno the Laws in your state, but at least, its on record...

Going to the police they have to record everything in case it is needed for later court action

I would watch my back.......don't leave my house at the same exact time

dont set any patterns of my comings and goings....Like if I go to grocery on thursdays , change it to monday, etc.

keep a sharp eye....Maybe tell the neighbors if they see his car, to call you so you can report it...

he "asks a friend about getting a gun" and hes on substances, is NOT a good thing

Who is he planning to shoot???

I wish he had told his friend MORE b/c you don't know WHY he is wanting a gun....If an X of mine wanted a gun, and I knew about it, and the separation was acrimonious, I would be filing a police report

Cops are gonna , hopefully, check this out and if AH does NOT have a gun then they can't do anything about a guy asking another guy about getting a gun

what are the licensing laws in your state??? can a known alcoholic or someone who has had substance problems even GET a gun, or is it a state where anyone can purchase as long as they don't carry the weapon....i would check my state gun laws

This is a tough ??...B/c I don't know all the details its hard to say what I would do b/c I don't know how violent or nuts this AH of yours is....lots of into I don't have to say what I would do if I was in this boat

Did you file for divorce yet??? court???? do you have a lawyer????

Right now, its all this guy said this thing.......AND you dont' know if it is BS or not....

for me?? if the cops already know he is a substance abuser and he has a reputation with them, I , if it were me, I would go to the police station and speak with a detective and see what I could do..

Buying a gun when you are in an acrimonious divorce or break up , anyway, is serious business....and we don't know if this friend will help him get gun or not.......We also don't know if it is true....I wold have the tendency to err on the side of caution.

whatever you do, please be careful, I would not let him near my home, if I saw him near my job, I would call police...., I would definitely NOT let him around where I am..

There are help centers for women all over the place in all states, I believe....I think I would contact one and see what they say b/c this is a potential threat on your life...I just don't know...Nobody knows whats in his mind

BE CAREFUL.....Do you know his car???? if so, watch for it...Just watch your back, but I think I would get some serious advice from a woman's protection place (don't know what u call them) and advice from the police, since they already know him.....

I really hope U R gonna be ok...

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Jerry, I have never gotten a restraining order against him because I never felt like it was useful in my situation. I think it may help if there are constant calls, texts or showing up where you are. That's not the case here. It's just random fits of rage when he starts drinking that I know would escalate if we still lived together but I feel that he is usually passes out before he has time to act on it. I don't see that a man who consistently breaks the law by driving drunk is going to care at all about a piece of paper. Maybe I'm wrong about that. I'd certainly be willing to listen to a different opinion. I know you have worked in this field so I value your advice. My fear is that if he gets his hands on a gun that he he doesn't even need to get close to me to hurt me. I want him locked up for his own good and for mine and for the people he shares the road with but it seems that until he hurts or kills someone society and the law gives him all the rights.

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Neshema, I do a lot of what you mentioned although it's so easy to miss something important so I never feel.completely at ease. Just to clarify one thing you questioned. When asked why he would want a gun-that he would just get into trouble with it, he said that he would never hurt me even though my name wasn't mentioned by his friend. IF his friend is to be believed. Not sure how stable he is.

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

*how stable this friend is.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My thoughts.... Why does he want or even need with a gun. To even mention it puts me on edge. Two things come to mind. To kill himself or kill you....

Don't do the maybe or maybe not. If he's looking into buy a gun....first get that restraining order and next contact the police again even if they can't do anything. Let the world know what he is thinking.

His therapist
His doctor
The lawyer
The police
A woman's help line
Friends
Relatives

Take care of you

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

As the disease progressed in my loved ones, their paranoia also increased. As long as I kept myself away from them, I generally felt safe, but to my knowledge, they never had weapons. If they did, I would have been concerned enough to call the police for guidance at least now that he wants to buy a gun.

Although this is a bit off the subject, it might be something you need to know: My sister-in-law worked in a restaurant. She used to talk with people she got to know who came in to eat about her family. One of those people listening was mentally ill. He seemed odd, but harmless to her. He also chose to attend the same class my brother-in-law attended. My brother-in-law felt bad for the guy because he always seemed alone. So, he'd chat with him and take him for coffee every once in awhile. But, there was something about the guy that bothered my brother-in-law. Fast forward about 2 to 3 months. BiL home with their 3 kids. SIL at the restaurant. BIL was in another part of the house. My nephew - 5 at the time - opened the front door and in bounded the guy that they both thought odd asking for my BIL. Shorter version of the story. He had a gun. He held my BIL and the three kids hostage. He ordered them all upstairs while saying, "Upstairs. Somebody is going to die today." Fortunately, for my x's family, they had talked over meeting this guy with my MIL who just happened to call about the same time. She was able to figure out that her son and grandkids were in trouble. Called police. My BIL had been a dancer. He picked up the 5 year old, the 2 year old and kicked the 8 yo out into snow where police were able to grab her and the shooter was wrestling trying to get the gun out of his blue jean pocket to shoot my BIL. He ended up killing himself in the house.

My thinking is that even if things seem to quiet down, its good for you to stay awake to the ways you need to keep yourself safe. A dying brain can be like fireworks, just not as controlled. This is also a major HP concern since there is no way you can possibly know the next step to take or what your husband will do so there's no way to cover all your bases in a case like this. I don't think I'd let the police discourage me on the committal route. If there is a mental health bureau or something on that order in your area, I'd call them about the seriousness of the situation and ask for their guidance on this. They'd know more than the police.

As far as getting him committed because he is a danger to himself and to others, would the friend testify?

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Assume he is dangerous and could kill. Your gut knows the truth...do what you can to be safe. (((Prayers for protection for you)))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Yikes. In this situation it is much better to be too worried than not worried enough. But I do not think you are too worried. He is actively trying to buy a gun. He has fits of rage. The alcohol has clouded his judgment so much that he probably doesn't even know what he's doing half the time. He was dangerously negligent about a chainsaw and a truck, so he is not even alert enough to avoid accidents. But this is not about an accident -- people have accidents with guns (and that's a danger), but off-balance people also actively seek to do harm with them. He has a delusion that you had an affair. This is a recipe for disaster. Even if this guy doesn't sell him a gun, he is probably asking all over, not just this one guy. It is quite likely that eventually he will find someone who will sell him a gun.

A restraining order will not keep him from coming after you, but if he violates it (without killing you), he can be charged with violating it, and that will slow him down a little. Eventually I believe he can be jailed for violating it, though not permanently, of course.

In your shoes I think I would call your local domestic violence shelter and talk to an expert there. They will have dealt with this situation before and they will know the best strategies. Some of the strategies might require considerable effort on your part. Please make that effort. This is not a safe situation. I'm sure the sober man he used to be wouldn't have hurt you, but alcohol changes the brain. It causes rage, paranoia, and lack of judgment. You are seeing active signs of all of these. Please don't delay -- call today and get good advice on the next steps. Do whatever you need to to protect yourself.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I would report it to someone in the public helping field whether it be police or a protection agency for domestic abuse. I would be worried just because as A's progress so does some of their irrational behavior. Take care of yourself!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Domestic violence is sticky stuff. I have got restraining orders before. I think it is possible to think that having contact is the way to try to know what is happening with him and take immediate action. Nevertheless sometimes it is important to set limits. What are your limits. Obviously this information you have is second hand. If your husband was held on a 72 hour hold he can't buy a gun the legitimate way. They are banned for a while. Of course he can get a gun another way but he can't just walk into a store and buy one.

There is a great book resource which many of us use here called Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew. Expectations are everything around an alcoholic especially one with rage issues. Personally I can tell you I put myself in great danger all the time when I lived with an alcoholic/addict. He drove under the influence all the time. He drove erratically and had all kinds of accidents. Now I do not know why I ever got into any kind of motor vehicle with him. Back then I justified it on so many levels. Some of it was that I didn't want to let go.

Having a counselor is a really big help when you are dealing with someone who is violent. First of all they are mandated to report any kind of threat of violence to authorities. Of course authorities are not necessarily the be all and end all of any kind of a threat. The person who needs to protect you is you not the police department. Certainly documenting threatening and erratic behavior helps along the way. Getting out of the way of such behavior is another matter. So many of us become inoculated to violence because we are around it all the time. I put up with temper tantrums all the time from the ex A. I justified that on so many levels. People could counsel and caution me all the time but I felt that I was doing the right thing by being around him on a lot of levels. I can tell you that the ex A didn't die or destroy himself when I left him. He came close but eventually he went onto a number of plateaus. He is still very much alive and still very much causing chaos where ever he goes.

I hope you will use this board as a place to come and let out what is going on with you. There are many resources for people who have domestic violence in their lives. There is also recovery. Setting limits and boundaries is one of the core parts of al anon. You will find tremendous support in the journey to setting them here.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree about contacting a domestic violence hotline to find someone to direct you. I learned so much by going to those meetings.

The thing is he is NOT thinking. When someone is a using A, their brain is very compromised. Of course they can get a gun.Does not have to be from this one guy either. Lotsa ways to get one.We cannot control him one tiny bit.

So we have to look at options to protect you. Is it feasible to move? I don't know what you have available, but some places are put together to offer security.

If you have to stay there, then the domestic violence people can give you suggestions how to protect yourself. Barred windows. Make sure your door is solid and very strong. Good locks.

Keep a flashlight by your bed one adament therapist told me. A heavy one! A good one from one of our members is, get that yellow jacket spray that sprays 20 feet! One by each door to outside, by your bed, one in every room. That will stop him believe me. This gal is blind with a HUGE dog. She knows how to protect herself. Her A is violent too.

You can also take classes to teach yourself how to protect you. We all need to know how to lay low, a plan to get out, a plan where to go and or meet.

Myself I would have an apt. with two doors.

It's more about you than him. Work on making yourself safe. I live alone, in the country. I have a gate that has to be unlocked and the fence is not easy to get over. Plus I have a farm pig now that is only 6 months old, but no one would dare attempt to get by him.As he grows he will be even more intimidating and shooting him will only make him madder. Some how I doubt you want an eight hundred pound watch pig! haha

Plus I have 6 barking dogs. Two large ones no one better mess with. I don't lock my doors. In summer I am wide open. Flashlight and other things next to my bed.Plus there are doors out of every room.

A dog may be in order here to warn you or if you can have a big one, protect you. My little ones are more fiesty than my big ones!

My A never carried thru a thing in his life when he was drunk talking. But his A father was bad about guns. When he came home late at night, his mom would go tell the boys to take their guns apart and hide them. I had a gun that once when he was drunk hid it. Probably was afraid I would use it on him.....

Glad you came here. Please always, always trust your intuition. Does not matter if it does not come true. Matters if it does. I always trust mine, has never steared steered? me wrong.

hugs,debilyn

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Thanks for the support and ideas. I am even going to get the protective order. I just posted an update. PS-Debilyn, I have 2 tea cup shih tzus but they think they are pit bulls. They have really big mouths at the slightest noise. Do they count as watchdogs? :D

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