frustrated, and wanting to be further along than I am in recovery - Al-Anon Family Group

giraffe13 · Senior Member

frustrated, and wanting to be further along than I am in recovery

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

QUOTE........My therapist said that this is progress, and when people are ready to leave, its organic, and not this much of an internal struggle. She told me to focus on my recovery and how far I have come and to just be receptive to God's will for me and when I need to take steps, I will just *know* without that frustration on myself. And she also shared with me that every partner blames the alcoholic, and is angry, then as they progress in recovery they become angry with themself for not being able to leave, and they move through it... and it gets better. it is just another step she said.

Therapist is absolutely right...we don't change until we are ready....old emotions?? old business??? something is causing you to not be ready....but when you have had a belly full and when you realize that you deserve better than this , then you will leave and NO worries about it...

I know I get pissed at me when I am still stuck in something I don't want, but I just ask myself "ok what is the payoff or benefit I am getting by staying or keeping???" is it some sort of guilt??? or a financial fear???? or a qualm about any confrontation or IS IT something old that I have not yet worked through, like my self esteem, or my fear of change that is holding me back

You will figure it out , keep working on you and answers will come.......Sometimes "God's will" as they say it, is for us to work our program and use our common sense and tools we learn in program and deal with our stuff and move on....I don't think any Higher Power is gonna "Baby sit" me or "hand me" life....I gotta get off my butt and go after my rights to happiness, safety, health, prosperity, etc..

Take care

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree,when we are done with someone we are done. However if the relationship is damaging to us, we may choose to leave even though it hurts to retain our sanity and health!

When I made A leave, I was done. That was that. I had gleaned all the good precious time I could. I am not sorry. I detached from the disease and loved on him. Accepted him as he was. I honestly did not care if he drank or not. lied or not. I knew he was very sick, and our time together was so short. He was turning into a monster in front of my eyes.

For me he died. The man I so adored all my life died.

I am glad you got away together. Myself I had to keep going until it was impossible to do so. When he got dangerously abusive from brain damage, I had to stay away and make him stay away from me.

He was also scaring my animals, so that clinched it. I didn't want to go to prison for hurting him to stop him from hurting my animals or killing him.I am serious.

You will KNOW when it is time. Or you will make the decison when you know you have to end it.

Detaching does not mean you won't love or want him anymore honey. My experience is , detaching from the bolony of the disease and being able to focus on me and others, and him as a person. I could hold hands with him drunk, be watching a movie with him, we enjoyed each other for awhile longer. Then my sweet guitar playing, romantic, polite, funny, absolutely beautiful man in every way, died from this stupid horrible disease. Is now a monster in my husbands body. sigh

hugs hon, debilyn

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Giraffe,
I know your going thru it, but you must examine your motives for taking him on the trip and what were your
expectations when you returned??

I don't believe we are stuck unless we want to be.

Working on detachment is the key and what that is, is detaching with love . I think we all will love our alcoholics no matter how much time passes. Its just making that decision of whats best for our lives, serenity and health.
How do we choose to live?

Even moving on takes a lot of strength and wisdom.

LIke Debilyn says, you will know when it time.

Keep practicing.
Best, Bettina

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Giraffe: The trip was a gift you gave to yourself and if you enjoyed it - then it was a good thing for you. I have been on my own a long time. I enjoy my company. I've taken myself where I want to go within the confines of my budget. I don't want to pay for anybody else's good time unless it is my grandson or my daughter and I are splitting costs to go somewhere. I hang out with friends who can pay their own way, too.

Doesn't mean I don't ever treat somebody to a movie, lunch or a good dinner or adjust what I'd like to do to meet their budget. I just won't invest a lot my time and money in another adult because when I do, I lose sight of myself and begin the cycle of caretaking rather than just caring.

It took me awhile to work through thinking I needed a significant other to enjoy my life. My life is full and rich without a partner to share it. I like the freedom of being on my own. Sometimes, I get lonely, but not very often. When I do, I call a friend, go outside and spend time in nature, go to the grocery store just to hang out with others as we go through the maze of aisles loaded with stuff. I get glad again.

My life isn't right for everybody. It is right for me. I got to it by facing my fear of being alone by being alone. I found out there is nothing to fear. If part of the reason you hang onto this guy/relationship is because you believe you need him/are afraid of being alone/don't see yourself having value and worth apart from being with a partner - I'd like to encourage you to try it. You may end up liking it. You may find out you prefer it.

It worked for me. Don't know if it will work for you. Whether you continue your part in this relationship or choose to free yourself from it, you have value. You have worth. You can be alone but not lonely. You can be married in a relationship of equals. Lots of hugs, sister.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 10th of July 2013 08:33:19 AM

giraffe13 · Senior Member

thank you for all these kind replies. I will be reading them and the warmth from this board makes a difference in my life.

I took him on the trip just to have a fun time for us. But I really enjoyed myself.. regardless and I do not have a single regret. It just created a situation ( or opportunity?) for me Monday night to realize that he still had to run to a bar for 4 hours and after a trip like that could not be appreciative on any level and end the night w/ me. Instead there was arguing, reminding me of how many lucky days ive had, and drinking for 4 hours straight and using that as an excuse to go home by himself. It smacked me in the face. (even though I am already aware of reality nowdays.) My bottom has been lifted higher, and it takes less to make me realize that he treats me badly and I need more emotionally from someone at this point in my life. I am young , and want to get married soon- not be alone and supporting him and his crazy behavior.

Tuesday I came across a situation he "mislead" me on... and I think that compiled with Monday night at home thinking just made me explode. I really was angry and felt sick of being " stuck " in the same place b/c of his alcoholism and its behaviors, and really felt he treats me badly. I called him up ( angry) and just told him he can do this to someone else. It's over.

I never say that stuff, or do that. And I realize everything has it's consequences. He texted me some useless explanations of everything he did that night but I just said, " It maybe wasn't that night, but you clearly mislead me and keep lying, on all dates and times. Who cares about that day. This disease makes you act without a moral compass. And Monday night, after I planned a wonderful weekend getaway.. that happened. Being angry is useless. I just silently know inside it's just not right. Goodnight."

This morning I got a very sad and dramatic text from him, about how he will miss me and loves me. etc etc. Regardless of this message, I was not happy with myself for hanging up on him and losing my cool- so I called him at least to be mature and kind. I asked him if he wanted to talk and if he has any solutions for the lying and Monday night's issue. He went from that sad text, to then throwing in my face that I had broke up with him and "now you want to talk about it?" Alcoholics are all over the map with their emotions. I just said, 'ok well I was just giving you an opportunity to speak since I was angry yesterday and it wasn't possible to be calm. I understand that is okay." We talked a bit, He denies everything, and blames me... Then he hung up on me, just to call me back a minute later to figure out " how to get his things back and return mine". I just said , " You can donate my things. I have 1 pair of shorts there. I will drop your stuff off at the mailbox. what is the purpose of calling me for this when you hung up on me?"
He apologized and allowed us to finish talking, and then was again mean as he shoved in my face that we were over, and I remembered my program. To be nice. No matter what. and to keep my serenity.. I wished him a good day and was not phased. He moped and then went into a very desolate tone AGAIN and said, " ok goodbye then..... " it is like a pendulum?

His emotions seem all over the place, and we do not break up all of the time. We are not one of those couples. We have only separated 1 year ago when he overdosed. I didn't have recovery or alanon wisdom at that time. After that awful phone call I sat on my balcony, in the sun, and meditated. Said a prayer to God to guide me, and that I have good intentions only and I do not know what to do. I need help. I deeply asked for God's help. So I could use your prayers. And friendship.

I am so grateful for this program and see my recovery helping right now, even if I acted brashly and out of emotion.

((Hugs))

-- Edited by giraffe13 on Wednesday 10th of July 2013 01:23:01 PM

-- Edited by giraffe13 on Wednesday 10th of July 2013 02:57:58 PM

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Giraffe:

Like so many, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. There were many many instances during the course of my marriage when my soon to be ex would justify his hanging out w friends separately from me because: 'I have been home 4 nights in a row'; 'I can't spend another night just sitting here on the couch'; 'I am right down the street'....you get the idea, as we all know most of it adds up to that need to drink.

I agree also with the other posters that we have to continue to work hard at our recovery and we will know if/when we are ready to leave the relationship. I spent several years in complete emtional shutdown, adding damage to an already damaged marriage; things got really bad and I then made every effort to 'save' our marriage, while at the same time becoming active in alanon and talking with other alanoners and As in recovery. At that point, living with the same old scenarios over and over again started to look different to me because I was changing, and that's when I was at the beginning of being strong enough to move on.

Wishing you lots of strength and support...

YF

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I definitely did a lot of stuff to help the now ex A and then was upset by his reaction to it. In fact I was really out of whack with my expectations. An alcoholic and addict is going to be an alcoholic addict until they get ready for recovery.

What forced me into recovery was that feeling of resentment, confusion and living in constant chaos. I gave to the ex A until I had nothing left to give and I always justified it. There were times when I could even claim I enjoyed it but having had to give that much was not a pleasant situation for me on any level.

I held really fast to the relationship for a long long time even when he could manipulate and cajole me into doing exactly what he wanted all the time. I know now that any positive relationship isn't about manipulation or demands it is about a mutual give and take. I now invest in those kind of relationships. Of course knowing what they are was beyond me for a long long time. I expected to have confusion, chaos and giving until I dropped most of the time. These days I measure what I give. Certainly I give to others all the time but I don't give them the shift off my back as I did for years. I can certainly feel that a relationship involves my constant attention when really a lot of relationships don't require that kind of intensive care all the time. My life with the ex A was an obsession I didn't have a moment when his chaos didn't invade my life. On so many levels he was always the one who held all the cards because I was so desperate to hold onto the relationship. He regularly did so much to disrupt, destroy the relationship and then claimed that the responsibility for holding the relationship together was always mine.

Over time in al anon I learned to stop being provoked. These days I certainly have alcoholics/addicts in my life. What I have learned is not to feed them the stuff they crave, the drama, the over reactions and the intense attention so many of them crave. Obviously there are addict and alcoholics who function differently but my own experience is that most of them do need to recreate over and over testing situations in order to feed their addictions. Getting to the point where I can see that dispassionately was really key for me.

I certainly feel anger every day about the addicts/alcoholics I live around. They are absolutely totally irresponsible and self serving on every level. How I manage that anger is key for me. One of the ways I manage it is to set a lot of limits. Ideally I would like to be able to limit how many addicts/alcoholics I have in my life to a smaller number and I work towards that all the time. I know that for me personally there isn't much rewarding about being around anyone's addictions because they tend to cause chaos. I can only withstand so much chaos in my life. I can manage my response to it every day but I no longer kid myself that anything I do or say will prompt an alcoholic to seek recovery. For every person the desire to seek recovery is a different proposition. I had tremendous control issues in the past and I really believed fervently that somehow I could persuade people or demand they get recovery. None of them did.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.