The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So sorry that you are in the throes of your spouses disease. So happy that you have turned to Alanon and hope. Hope for yourself and your children.
Don't even try to figure out why he says and does the things he does, he is under the control of a substance and Vodka being the worst. I know, I lived with it, I always knew when he drank vodka. He blamed me for all of his ills. The only target he could find. But lets get you on the road to recovery ,you will find strength and wisdom by starting to attend alanon face to face meetings. There, with an open mind, with listening and learning the tools to cope with this devastating disease.
The disease of Alcoholism can get very scary, it is too immense to handle on your own. It is a road paved with many thorns. In their drunken state they can act out the ridiculous and go to the extremes of the fantasies in their heads. They don't know what they are doing most of the time. If he doesnt abstain from his drinking and find a program of recovery and stick to it, there is not a good prognosis for him. Meantime, you are left holding the bag. So what are you going to do for YOU? What will be your plan?
Do you want to find peace and serenity for yourself, while he is still creating chaos.?
I hope that you will ponder your life and take a step to create the life you want for yourself. Please keep coming back. There is a light for you full of hopes and deams yet to be fulfilled. Don't give up! Program works if you work it. Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 9th of July 2013 03:16:01 PM
I can't add much to the wise share you already got, but to just urge you to keep working your program and to keep focus on you and taking care of you
Too bad you coldn't get pics of him w/other woman and pic evidence of his drunken bad behaviour
That would serve you well in a court, he is liable to you, financially and when you are ready, I would act as soon as I coudl with the help of a domestic violence shelter or something b/c #1, he has to provide for you #2 you dont' want his "honey "getting ALL the money and you and kids are left w/nothing..........#3, with a special needs child, he DEFINITELY has to be financially responsible..
THIS IS NOT ADVICE...ONLY MY SHARE ON WHAT I WOULD DO.......The decision is up to you and noone else........so this is JUST MY TAKE and PLEASE use what you can and discard the rest...
You can't get access to financial info??? if stuff is joint owned I think , after I talk to someone at an abuse shelter and get their advise
I think verbal abuse gets worse and escalates to physical...if he is fooling around, that adds flame to the fire, also this "paramour" is married...who knows?? maybe she and her husb. are trying to rip you and your AH off for all the money they can
I don't know your situation, I would get access to the finances and put stuff in my own name.
who ownes the house?? is it joint??? I would be very concerned about protecting my financial rights only 2nd to protecting my kids
he has , in my opinion, broken the marriage, so now its time to sit down...maybe with a abuse shelter expert and figure out how you protect you and the kids....I woldn't even consider this guy but I am reading verbal , emotional, mental abuse AND you have a child w/special needs, so maybe a shelter can help....I would look into it
meanwhile, keep working your program, and DO NOT LET ON your moves you are making to take care of you
There are lawyers, when you feel ready and I don't think I would wait if my financial support is being given to a married woman whose husb. is on drugs., but anyway there are lawyers who will take cases pro bono ....I sure would do some research on what can I do to save mine and my kid's butts aND work my program , meetings, sponsor work, step work, all of it
With adultery in the mix and you are sure of it, I dont' think there is much hope for things ever getting better w/you two, so you have to make life better for you, yourself by working the program and quietly getting evidence of adultery and abuse, researching how to protect your assets, etc.....You know what I mean
If you have no assets together and you live pay check to paycheck then there is the kids you fight for re: custody an NO judge is gonna give them over to an abusive drunk and an adulterer.........I would start evidence gathering while I work my program...and do it on the quiet.....act like you know nothing is going on....
take care
-- Edited by neshema2 on Tuesday 9th of July 2013 03:56:01 PM
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am new here. I have been spouse to an in denial high functioning alcoholic and substance abuser for 25 years. This man has emotionally abused me the entire time. He is very clever and was very, very good at blaming me for his bad behavior. He is truly Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. Really good at putting on a "nice guy" front for the public but a real monster to me.
I have three children, youngest with special needs. I do everything with and for these children-yet he has said they are more his than mine. I stayed for many years because I thought I could help him. Now I stay because I am terrified of him having the children without me there to protect them. He has complete control over our finances, I don't even have access to see what we have.
In his last drunken state, that he does not remember, he spewed horrible verbal attacks at me. He also told me that I derserve absolutely nothing and that he was going to get himself a new wife. That raised a red flag. After looking at his texts, I know he is committing adultery with a married woman who has 4 children, who I helped and rescued when she was in a really bad situation. Several women said that there was something "off" about this woman, but dumb me, only saw her children suffering and so I wanted to help. I realize that she is a con artist and is using him to get every penny she can. I also feel that her drug addict husband could be involved in this and that it makes it a dangerous situation. They don't know that I know about the adultery. She actually came up to me in a store all smiles and wanted to get our kids together a playdate- or to take my special needs daughter for awhile. Are you kidding me?
I can't believe this is how I am repaid for sticking by this abuser for 25 years and helping a family in need.
I am trying to be smart about this situation, to prepare, but don't know exactly what to do.
Aloha Needhope...now you've got it. This site is called Miracles in Progress. You can start your miracle right now. You won't be able to fix everything at one time and neither have we been able to do that however you can start where we did..."Admitting we were powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic and alcoholism and that our lives had become unmanagable". That's the start. For me also learning two additional things at the beginning of recovery were very helpful. 1. "No" is a complete sentence. I needed to practice saying that to myself and to the alcoholic addict who was given control over my peace of mind and serenity. Number 2. was very very important and this one is "That's not true" which became my new and often used response when the disease and others attempted to lie to me about me. Take a stand..."That's not true". Keep coming back. (((((Hugs)))))
Welcome to MIP. I'm sorry to hear of your situation, but you will find many here who have similar stories, and can relate to your worries and fears. For me, reading alanon literature, getting to as many face to face meetings as possible, finding a sponsor, and engaging on this board has been a great help. My husband also had complete control of our finances and did a great deal of damage. People told me to separate my finances, and talk to a lawyer. On both things I hesitated, and waited, hoping that "things would just work out". They didn't. I finally followed through on both suggestions, and feel much healthier and less stressed. Keep coming back.
The ex A blamed me for everything. At one point he blamed me that he had not grieved the death of his father who died long before I ever met him. Being without boundaries I took on all that blamed and believed I could do something to make him well. These days when I am up against worrying about someone and trying to control them I know I am in the throes of not being able to accept my life as it is.
I have certainly lived with people who are abusive and it comes in many dimensions. These days I am better able to set limits and stop conversations. When a conversation goes in a way I don't want it to I no longer remonstrate. I shut it down. They don't get the opportunity to bring it up again. I can't say I am perfect with boundaries but I know when they are crossed pretty quickly and I change my stance towards certain people when they perpetually cross my boundaries.
Living around someone who is an addict is a really big undertaking. Perhaps the most common response is to come up with Ifs.... how to handle it better. Really there is no winning against an addiction there is chaos everywhere when there is an addiction at play. I often trip up around addicts and alcoholics the good news is that I get back up and get back on the notion of having boundaries, limits and self care.
I know I took on the blame so much in my life. Now I don't. When someone tries to affix things to me that don't belong to me these days I know what I am responsible for and I no longer accept total responsibility for others lives. Does that make me popular? Nope. In fact I would say on some levels setting limits has meant I had to accept a lot of rejection and animosity. People don't fall down and praise you if you set limits. Generally anyone dysfunctional will really be mad about any kind of a limit. I know I have been!
Nowadays I can allow people to have certain feelings towards me like anger and resentment without rushing in and feeling I need to change their opinion. Of course getting there is another matter. For most of my life having someone be angry at me was not something I could tolerate. Nowadays I can evaluate how I feel about their anger and decide what to do. Most of the time it is to do nothing. I can simply acknowledge and validate their feeling without feeling I need to change it that minute and change their entire history of our relationship at the same time. Most of the time I felt obsessed that I only be seen in a certain light and then it had to be absolutely controlled on every level by my opinion not theirs.
The ex A was certainly very very angry at me when I left him. I had to lean on this board and several people to get to the point of being able to tolerate being attacked and labeled in different ways. Now I expect any addict to blame, attack and not be pleasant if they don't get their way. That is part of their disease. I no longer try to fight their disease but I do set limits around how much their behavior is going to affect me.
I know much of how exhausting it is to be around someone who is destroying themselves and destroying so much of the environment around them. That is an exhausting proposition. Al anon an help with a whole toolbox. The central one for me is always detachment. I have to set limits around how overwhelmed I am around their behavior. Often I have had to detach in anger, in sadness and in resignation but I do detach and I don't allow the situation to swallow me whole. I can definitely falter and drop backwards but most of the time I can remember how to detach and why it is so essential. Learning any new tool takes patience, perservance and most of all practice. Telling the truth takes practice too. The more I tell myself the truth the more I can trust myself.
Welcome to MIP. I hope you keep coming back. There's comfort and encouragement here for you. There are also people doing the work necessary with this program for us to recover from the ways this disease has hurt us. Growth is usually slow, but it is growth all the same. And - you get to meet some really good people who know what you're going through because they've experienced it, too. Keep coming back.
