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So, when do I achieve perfection? I left my AH 2 1/2 years ago after 8 years of chaos and pain.... I left, rented a sweet little house and found serenity. I kept going to my f2f meeting and was recovering. My husband is a sweet man, who is damaged by this escalating disease. So, I tried to maintain a connection. I let him visit me, if he was sober..that lasted on and off for a year. Then I had to block his constant calls. But I can't break completely free. I met a nice man and we've been seeing each other for 5 months.
But he went away last weekend .....and i called my husband and offered to take him for pizza. He came out of the house pretty sober, with a huge black eye and multiple bruises. When we were at the pizza place he started shaking uncontrollably with the DT's. After that passed, he asked to go to a grocery store...and then to a drug store....I suddenly realized that this is what I have always done. Tried to take care of him, and to fulfill his needs. NOW I have opened the door....and he is calling my cel and work phone constantly. I've endangered the new relationship and set myself back at least a year in my own recovery....and I'm STILL worried that pulling away will hurt him!
I feel helpless and totally disgusted with myself.
Alexmaui: Progress - not perfection - what a good slogan you have chosen for yourself with this writing. You have made progress. You aren't perfect. There is no one way fits all method to this program. In what book is it written that when you've gained an awareness after making a choice that didn't turn out well for you that you've set yourself back at least a year in your own recovery? Looks to me like you've had an awareness/spiritual awakening of something you didn't know before this happened. Its a reason to celebrate, thank your HP, then ask what the next step towards healing could be and for the power you need to do it - 11th Step. Why are you choosing to beat yourself up instead? Maybe your relationship is being threatened and you get to reduce the threat to the new one by seeing what you're seeing and letting HP make the relationship be what is best for all concerned?
There is no rule book that tells us we must totally separate ourselves from our As. Some of us do that because its the only way we can protect/save ourselves from the disease as it progresses and becomes intimidating or threatening. Others of us keep some distance between us. Some help until we see that our help isn't helping and we take new actions based on the new information at hand.
Easy does it, Alexmaui. You're seeing what you need to see. You couldn't see it before now. With HPs help, you'll make changes necessary for you now. Hugs, friend.
You tried to do something nice and caring. It sounds like your motives were mostly good. Your husband/ex pulls for enabling and anyone that interacts with him is going to step into that role. It has taken you almost no time to realize what is going on with him and how your engaging him works. It sounds like huge progress to me. Your progress is not defined by what he is or isn't doing - if he's calling you or asking you to take care of him... It's really based upon your reactions or non-reactions. Don't be upset with yourself for trying to reach out to him. Feel good that you know what to do when you realize how sick he still is. Now you are detaching. It is what it is. His sickness and attempts to cling on you and suck you back in are because of him - not you.
Only you know if you reached out to him because you were lonely and missing your current boyfriend. That would be sort of codependent but, again, even that wouldn't be so wrong. There's lots of books on letting go and dealing with an alcoholic spouse or family member but the actual process is one that does take years and it's not a linear progression - plus I believe we hold out some hope that the person will get sober so we remain open to some contact a lot of the time.
If I heard from my ex-A now, I'd pick up the phone. Part of me would be hoping to hear he found some recovery but 99 percent of me would expect to hear the same old bullcrap and sob stories. I also keep thinking there is a chance that the next time I hear about him, it will be that he died. I don't obsess over that, but it's a distinct posibility.
In the big scheme of things - I don't regret the 7 years I spent with the ex-A. I don't regret the ongoing contact here and there in the 5 years since we split either. I feel sorry for him but I don't own his sickness. I have lots of recovery in me. He does not. When he acts all crazy and when I hear about his drama now, I just think "Wow - too bad he doesn't have a program of recovery. I'm glad I do."
Good morning, It is in the backsliding that we once again "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." I read this recently and loved it. It is through this that I can forgive myself for taking what I deem to be steps backward in my recovery, as I did yesterday, by the way We make our actions a bigger deal than they really are. Surrender to your HP and carry on your merry way! Holler if you need us....
Thank you all so much. It's been awhile since I came to this board.....and, once again...there are people here to listen and encourage..
Bless you all.
I can relate and even after being divorced for some time I still don't like the broken connection, but it has to be this way otherwise my present looks and feels like my past. I have had a few slips, but as much as I hate him unhappy with me, I more enjoy my own serenity and being happy with myself. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I certainly had the same kind of interactions with the now ex A for a long long time. Like you I always felt it was because something was wrong with me. Over time I got to a place where I didn't wonder what was happening for him. I also got to a place where I knew if he hadn't got sober what he was going to do. I certainly don't hold that against myself these days. I know that I was working through grief at the time. No one simply gets up and walks away from a relationship there is always going to be a time when you wonder was I really right to leave.
One of the core issues for me in codependence was this desire to be perfect and to judge others. I really felt that my response to others was at all times perfect and that I had an overwhelming desire to help. What I had an overwhelming desire to do of course was to try to control others in order to get my needs met. I had to go to extreme lengths in order to come to a place of understanding that I was solely responsible for meeting my own needs.
I beat myself up most of my life for what I "shoulda, coulda and woulda" done. At the times when I slipped up and I still slip up all the time I really didn't feel I had options. When I have options in any relationship I feel better about myself and more in tune with what I need rather than what they need. None of this comes overnight. I am still practicing and still finding ways to correct it when I stray off course. These days I no longer remonstrate with myself rather it is a "oh yeah I actually have that option and that option might work better" rather than a long diatribe about what I did wrong. Every day I slip up and every day I correct myself. I am content with being imperfect rather than someone who was a saint.
We make our actions a bigger deal than they really are. Surrender to your HP and carry on your merry way! Holler if you need us....