The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Let me start from the beginning: when my A son relapsed after being sober for 3 years he went straight to the hard core drug.. After I thought I was teaching him tough love he went on a week run. I was looking for him every where in our small town and one of his A friends at the fourth day found him came to my door at 10 pm and said I found him but he does not want to come home tonight. I stayed up going on my fourth day then I went to the hotel an picked him up. We moved in with my parents and rented our home so my husband and I could catch up on bills. My father that I now 82 had a stroke a week after my son was found and I was getting ready to send my son to Montana to get him out of this town and prayed he would take a good look at himself and come home with some common sense. Well the day before he left they admitted my dad and this stroke paralyzed him. During this time an until now I am working two jobs and trying to raise my 7 year old daughter. Yes my son is in recovery by choice but I help my mom to take care of my dad and still work my two jobs and raise my 7 year old daughter. My husband has been my rock when he is needed but for the most part he stand back and truly thinks I can do this on my own. This is why I carry so many emotions.. I love my father and love my son and I have always put myself last. My mother is up there in age but she is a very strong woman. I pray for my son to continue strong with his recovery and pray my dad does not give up on his rehabilitation. This is why I know I get stuck in my recovery. I am proud of my son but yet live with fear because of his disease and my father I just don't know how else to make him understand that he needs to work hard at his recovery because I still need him in my life and seeing my mom do it all when I am not home and she looks over exhausted just hurts me. She was the one that found my son in her bathroom this last time he OD. I feel guilt because of all my son did but they know it was the drug and I feel guilt because at times I can't help as much as I want to because I too am over mentally and physically exhausted.. But I continue to pray !!
Gaby do you have any program literature? Daily Readers and/or pamphletes on the steps, traditions and slogans. I ask because I'm feeling you need to review and meditate on the 2nd step. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves....could lead us to....sanity. Just supporting and not trying to get in God's way. (((((hugs)))))
I do.. I have to admit I'm broken all the way around. I have friends I do talk to my sons Sponser reaches out to me and prays with me he has given me literal to read I go to my church that I love so much. I have always been raised to be tough and show no emotion as old fashion Hispanics. I guess this is why my mom has always been our rock and now I am trying to be every body else's. I finally found a face to face meeting I can attend on my only night off and got on here to get any type of help. I am truly broken but I still get up and get going. Because I seem when my mom lost my brother when I was 5 he passed at 17 my mother was very broken but only knew to keep going because she had to for her other children but I see her now and I see pain just like I carry.
Dear Gaby: This is what true for me. There was a time that I allowed being a Mom to help me turn my kids into being my HP or my being theirs.
Recovery work helped me see this reality for what it was. I "fall off the wagon" sometimes and get stuck in that untruth from time to time, but have gotten much better at letting my kids be my kids, me be me and our HP be our HP. I don't know if this is true for you, but I know it has been true for me.
I am glad you are getting to at least one meeting a week. We have on-line meetings, too. Just like the As, the single most important thing we have to do before all others is to help save our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual lives. Priorities: HP & Recovery, us and then others is a rule of thumb I try (and sometimes fail) to put into practice. That priority list helps to get me into or stay in balance.
You've got a lot on your plate to deal with and your wellbeing is of grave import. Keep coming back. You're making progress.
Good you are doing something opposite of what hurts you and the opposites get us opposite outcomes. Grateful's share was right on because it sent my mind and emotions back into my recovery archives and what it use to be like back then. I thought I knew and had God in my life and I did and I also didn't know the protocol of the God me relationship. I learned to "sort the laundry"....God's stuff and my stuff...the things I cannot change and the things I can. I learned that I had a God and that I should stop trying to play a god. I seemed to have more victims, including myself that my alcoholic/addict had kept God way out there for special occasions which if I was in control of deciding what was and what wasn't one...God never was allowed near me or my "problems"? Perceptions...I had to change my perceptions and with the help of the program and the tools including my awesome sponsorship I have been able to do and continue doing. I don't have problems today...I have opportunities to do many alternative solutions to what I might perceive is a problem. That is the first opportunity...inventory the situation...don't default to "needs fixing". I also thought I was in some way or another a "rock" and then realized that I was throwing myself at others...hitting and pelting them with myself the rock. When early sponsorship told me "Stop irritating people...stop interferring with their real solutions, I went into a panic just like a person does when they find themselves fired from a job or career. Go look in the mirror and make a promise to yourself. "Today we take care of your needs" and then write down the first important need you have. In support...keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
