The material presented
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Hello, I am new to these boards - but I have been considering joining Al-anon for quite some time. My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. We have an 18 month old daughter. Our lives are pretty much perfect except (what for it), my husband is an alcoholic. He has admitted that he has a problem, but he refuses to get help. We are not religious people, and he uses this as an excuse to not join AA. He also refuses to talk to his doctor, or see a therapist. It is just a constant cycle of arguing and tears, and then abstaining for a week or so, only for him to relapse again. He hides liquor bottles. He sneaks drinks when he thinks I'm not looking. He stays up late just to drink without me. All the usual. I am at my wits' end. I know that if I continue down this road, the relationship will end. And I'm not sure that I could do that to my daughter.
Welcome to MIP.... yes, we have truly heard it all before...
"I won't go to AA because I am not religious", or
"I won't go to AA because they aren't religious enough", or
"I won't go to AA because I am not as bad as those drunks", or
"I won't go to AA because (fill in the blank)"
As you have already suggested, it is certainly just an excuse, but enough about him...
What about the one person you CAN influence and change? Time to choose recovery, for YOU.
There is a wonderful old saying "he is either gonna drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Choosing recovery for YOU is a wonderful place to start. Post here (great start!), get yourself to Al-Anon meetings, read great books on the subject - it's all very helpful.
Glad you found us, and keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha phly and welcome to the board...At first I got all caught up in what my alcoholic/addict wife did and didn't do, said and didn't say and every other excuse she had. I focused on my alcoholic/addict wife and lost sight of my own life....Al-Anon has always been about teaching me to refocus of that which I am ultimately responsible regardless of what ever or who ever is going on in my life. I cannot blame the "others" in my life for how bad my life or how good my life became or is today...that is my responsibility and mine alone. Hard language for someone new to this board and that is how I was shown it when I first arrived into the rooms of Al-Anon. Learning how to self focus...take my attention off of her and the mess that traveled behind her. I never knew that was possible or that I could or should do it...and then I became aware of it as the truth as I watch hundreds of Al-Anon members rescue their wrecked lives and help others to do it also. The white pages of your local telephone book should have the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area. Look it up and call it to find when and where we get together in your area and come join us. Then tell us here at MIP how it comes out for you. (((((hugs))))))
I had the same story 20 years ago. I just went to my first Al anon meeting on Monday this week. I bought my first two Al anon books - Hope for today and courage to change. hope and courage are two things I feel I don't have. I feel broken and exhausted. The meeting helped and I've been doing daily reading.
I also bought a co dependency book by Melody Beattie. I am co dependent and I raised a beautiful daughter who is twenty and just as co dependent as I am. She has the same need as me to care take for everyone and not her self. Children learn about relationships from what they see not what they hear. My dad was an alcoholic and I met my now husband when I was 14yr and he was 15yr he didn't start drinking until he was in his early 20's. His parents are also alcoholics. I must have known he was just as needy as me even though I told myself I will never marry anyone who drinks.
I read a handout from Al anon called "Alcoholism a merry-go-round called denial". It explained my part in aiding (not causing) my husband and his drinking and the roles I switch between - enabler and provoker. A first I thought its not my fault he drinks, he's responsible for that! That's my own denial. I have tried to control our environment so he doesn't have opportunities to drink, believing I have control. There is no control. I got caught up in the sneaking around trying to catch him out drinking and searching for empty alcohol bottles.
This is my husbands second 4 week period in rehab in the last 3 years. He knows he has a problem and he received help for it. He even wants to use a medication that causes a severe illness and possible death. I thought that would be my answer...Yes that will fix him! Alcoholism is not a quick fix treatment. Its daily meetings not just for him but everyone involved in it. Its very easy to fall into old patterns and the mess resurfaces. I have to leave our relationship now. I just cant deal with him and work my co dependency to be healthy emotionally. Your husband can't change on his own everyone in your relationship has to change their thinking and release it to a higher power to take over - I mean really release it to a higher power. Alcoholics don't like changes in the way their co dependents spouses. After all I have aided his disease. I wish it I had the light bulb moment closer to the start of our relationship because both of us may have got the help we needed. I used empty threats of leaving him which I never followed through with.
This post is all over the place and probably too much for you to deal with but I guess I needed to share my secrets for the last 20 years. Please get help. Fix the chaos so you heal.
c/addict wife and lost sight of my own life....Al-Anon has always been about teaching me to refocus of that which I am ultimately responsible regardless of what ever or who ever is going on in my life. I cannot blame the "others" in my life for how bad my life or how good my life became or is today...that is my responsibility and mine alone. Hard language for someone new to this board and that is how I was shown it when I first arrived into the rooms of Al-Anon. Learning how to self focus...take my attention off of her and the mess that traveled behind her. I never knew that was possible or that I could or should do it...and then I became aware of it as the truth as I watch hundreds of Al-Anon members rescue their wrecked lives and help others to do it also. The white pages of your local telephone book should have the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area. Look it up and call it to find when and where we get together in your area and come join us. Then tell us here at MIP how it comes out for you. (((((hugs))))))