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(((Bettina))) Never be defeated by the visible. What profound wisdom to consider. Thank you for allowing us to be with you and to be with him in your sharing. We are bearing witness with you to his life - its joys and its sorrows - its health and its sickness - its delights and its tears. Although he can't speak, it must bring him much comfort and peace to know that you are there. He can hear you and it must bring his heart happiness to know that you still love him and that you still care. We're with you and with him in spirit, Bettina, and most importantly, HP is with you both, too. There are people all around you and him reading this post and forming a circle of compassion and love. Be at peace, Bettina, be at peace. HP is near.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 8th of July 2013 06:22:13 AM
I went to the hospital today to see my X, was there two weeks ago and he looked better than today
The nurse talked to me and told me that all organs have failed and the liver is shutting down.
They also told me he had pnuemononia, which when I called they never told me he had it. But he over came it. They also performed a trach on him, I guess he was on the ventilator too long. He has been in I.C.U. now forty days.
Today he was given dialysis, which is three hours long. And he was sedated , so he never opened his eyes.
The nurse also told me he won't make it and went on to describe all the things wrong with his body. She also said they thought it was a miracle he overcame the pnuemonia and has managed to stay alive this long.
Last nite I had this dream, it was a fast dream, We were driving around in my little car and he was at the wheel, he was driving fast, we drove onto this small road that jetted out over this cliff, at the end of this road was a orange cone with a light, He came right up to it, but slammed on his brakes, thru the car in reverse and we didnt die ...... I thought the dream was significant, but when I saw him today. The one phrase that kept going thru my mind was "never be defeated by the visible."
On the way home, which is a long drive, I finally let it out, I cried all the way home. I had this thought, what would all those suffering people in Alanon do if their spouses and X spouse were in that bed on life support. All the words that we had between us good and bad came back to me like it was yesterday. Even when he begged me to take him back. I even remember the look on his face the day I asked him to leave. As much as I have practiced detachment, the life of the alcoholic has touched me again like it never has before. The IF word is big tonite, IF only I would have been a little more compassionate, if only , If only , If only!!!! I know I must let this all out or I will be sick. Seems like we never escape this disease.
I remember this though "Suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy, regard suffering as a fact of life." I know this too be true. I also know this for certain, BE KIND always.
my heart goes out to you this morning and all your going through right now, heartache and pain aside, I feel so much strength and understanding in your share, my thoughts are for you and your loved ones at this sad time, xx
((((Bettina)))) for me it would be time to listen, watch and keep moving forward. We have a part to play and for me that part is to be played in the shadow of my HP's will. As Teresa of Avilla says...Love always. No matter the event...that is my part. Love isn't only my HP's will...it is also a name my HP is known by. Love always. Stay your own course because that is the only one you have. In support. (((((hugs)))))
"I had this thought, what would all those suffering people in Alanon do if their spouses and X spouse were in that bed on life support. All the words that we had between us good and bad came back to me like it was yesterday."
At times I still respond the way you have responded when I recall the experiences surrounding the life/death of my first husband and father to my first two children. I am having a hard time lanquaging my thoughts here for some reason, perhaps nothing more needs to be said other than I understand and I feel for and with you. blessings
I am so very sorry to read of the new developments in your husbands health. I so understand the remembering of the difficult times, the grieving and the sadness of what could have been Over the years I have read your posts and have been touched by the love, compassion, understanding and kindness that you expressed each time you spoke about him. The depth of your love was not diminished even though you were no longer together.. You are correct, Never be defeated by the visible" Love always.
I do believe that "Kindness is the Highest form of Wisdom" and you lived that with him.
I remember , clearly, when my mother drank herself to death...
She was horrible to me..I have very very few good memories of her...the most important one was when I had my ptsd breakdown in 1970, she was only 2 more years left to live (I didn't know that)....I had my breakdown b/c my father was still stalking me even tho I ran away, got my own apt. etc., he wold never leave me alone
the ONLY time she took up for me was when I went down my short flight of stairs to my little basement apt. , my friend and highschool buddy found me at the bottom and called her
They rushed me to the clinic accross town and the Dr., our family doctor told her that I was one of the worst cases of "shell shock" he had seen...
He warned her that whatever it was that was triggering me and driving me to this kind of sickness, had better stop or she would be burying me next to my deceased sister who died from neglect
Mom finally stepped up to the plate....She took me, literally in her arms, as I was hooked up to brain and heart scan machines and drugged out to "force me" to calm down before I blew up on the table...she held me and cried
Days later when I was able to go "home" they were experimenting what medication (life long) would be the best way for me to go w/out making me a zombie....to keep the anxiety away but not "gork me out" so I could not function
Old Doc Stagg came up with Librium and it worked really well...At first it was pretty strong doses, and as the "trigger" was ordered to stay away from me under threats by mom of death, I began to calm down enough to cut back on dosage..
Long story short...This alcoholic mother really stepped up....IF she drank and i suspect she did, it was controlled...not in my presence and probably at night as I slept...she had my brothers stay with me in my little apt. and she was at my side for the first 3 weeks or so, she was as close to me as a blanket...never letting me out of her site...
finally she went back home, leaving my brothers who were my buddies to baby sit me....She came each day to feed me and talk with me and care for my every need
It was wonderful....I had a mother....this was 1970 so I was in my 20's the boys, in their teens and I was inbetween jobs, but no worries, mom took care of everything so I could recover b/c I did have a job waiting for me first of the year 1971...this breakdown happened in Sept.
anyway, it was wonderful to finally experience her love for me, as I calmed down and gained my strength, she bought me a bike and herself one and we rode our bikes all over the place...I grew strong and got in great shape doing this....it seemd my medication was working well and i was feeling about as "OK" as one could be (really I needed extensive therapy , but in those days people hid mental illness and for some crazy reason, I seemd to thrive just not having the monster around bothering me)
She and I had a blast....the boys were living with me in my apt. and it was cramped but we didn't care...we had a ball....Mom would show up with gourmet dinners and we ate like royalty....
I started my new job in 1971 and mom and I were still inseparable....I feard that once I was well enough to work, she wouldn't want to be my mommie anymore, but I was wrong...She would often stay the nite with me sharing my twin bed and b/c we both were small it was comfortable....She was a hockey fan and we would snuggle in bed watching the Boston Bruins beat out everyone they played....WE even got tickets to some home games (mom had a way of fenagling things she really wanted....I sorta got that talent myself, LOL)
My life was about as nice as it could be....Better then the past, for sure, I even began to soften up towards her in that the old raging alcoholic who used to lock us kids in dog crates so she could drink, yes, I remembered , but I was able to separate that old, terrible mom from this new, nice, loving mom
in the spring of 1972, april to be exact, I peddled my bike to her house and walked in (monster was out of town) and i bounded up the steps and I saw her bleeding...I froze in a kind of unknown fear a icky tingling in my spine but she told me "oh, I have my period, not to worry, we can still go riding" I wanted to believe that that was so, but i had this nagging fear that she was lying...
I shoved that aside , she said it was her "time" OK...don't read into it, but my inner voice kept saying smething different.......I went into full denial....we rode, went and had fried clams and cole slaw at the dairy, and just had fun
this went on till summmer....boating season and monster beast was eager to get his boat into the water so off to Falmouth, MA they went....Mom invited me and my friends to come for Sat. dinner and we could sleep on the boat...they would sleep at the cottage and then big Sunday dinner and we would go home.
So that was what we did
Aug 1, 1972, my phone rings....its mom.......She wants to know how her "baby" is and what am I doing??? I tell her that I am going to watch the Poseidon adventure with my best friend and we are gonna toss a couple of beers at my place and maybe stay up late chatting with our neighbor friends
She is happy to hear that I am gonna have some fun and not to worry about the beast...he will be in Falmouth for duration of the summer.
we talk an she tells me that "I just cannot believe how sweet you turned out with all that has been put upon you...Inspite of your upbringing you are moral, honest, decent and just a GR8 kid"
she told me how much she loved me...and to ALWAYS remember no matter how old I become...."Remember each time you go to bed your mommie's arms are around you"...I felt this awful sinking feeling, but again, denial, my friend pushed it away...It felt like she was saying good bye...
She was found dead the next day...In the boat...In our bathroom where we used to talk girl talk....Aug. 2....shes GONE.....died from acute alcoholism......
I haven't shared this with hardly anyone b/c of this confusing love/hate relationship I had with her, but the LAST 2 years of her life, when I nearly imploded from a breakdown, she stepped up to the plate and I had a MOTHER.....
Its hard for me to type this...my fingers feel kind "anxious" that kinda "can't feel my fingers" feeling b/c this is really deep, my sharing this, but I am doing this to illustrate one thing for you
there is no rationale in the "what if, if only, if i coulda , i shoulda" it is what it is.....I used to think, "if only she got away from him" "if only I had done this or that" "I should have.....should have not"
Its all the same thing.......some of my "what ifs" happened, a lot of them did not...........the "shold have , could have" well???? Its done........I can't look back beyond what I need to to recover b/c to stare in that life "rear view mirrow" only slows down or inhibits my recovery
When we burried her, he is already groping his new mistress and shes waaaay younger then he, and she is at the FUNERAL........I stayed with my friends , away from him, on the boat, or on the beach with my friends, we burried her in Falmouth, MA....dunno if that was her wish, but thats where he put her....I guess, deceased, she didn't much care...She was gone from her torment......away from the monster who beat her.......she was FREE,.....Finally!!! FREE of her drinking, being addicted to her "self medication" she was free from it all.........she lived to see me recover and get a nice little job and a nice boyfriend....maybe she stayed to make sure I was gonna be OK.....
Whatever....She was free.....
I still remember, clearly the ugliness and the violence and the being locked in a crate so she could drink...I still remember being locked in teh basement when I had measles, and my only companion down in the basement while she was drinking was a mouse I had befriended....I also befriended a squirrel who set up camp in our wood pile in the back celler room.....
yes, I still remember., but I also remember those last 2 years I had with her and was it too little too late???? sometimes, depending on if it is a good day or a bad one, I say YES or I say I wold like to focus on the good and yes, remember the bad, not deny it, but not dwell on it..so was it too little too late??? I think my getting so sick was a wake up call to her......
I also think that she was his victim too and the only way she knew, perhaps, to cope was to numb out on alcohol....that was her escape from her hell....Do I blame her??? No, not really, but was it right??? Hell no!!! Did it hurt us kids??? of course....but it is what it is.....or was what it was......
I can't give my childhood back to me...I can't erase all the screwups I did as a result of being a full blown codependent but I CAN make a life for me now....and the good things about her are coming to the surface as I work my program......
DAMN this was a long post......sorry I ate up your thread, but it brought up some stuff I wanted to share...
I hope my share has helped at least ONE soul understand that we are products of our pasts and we make , like trees cutting off bad limbs, we make NEW branches that bear good fruits......yea, i got a lot of places where my branches were busted off...cruelly removed, but I am a LIFE and I can make NEW parts of me that are MINE
WADO (Cherokee Indian for "thank you")
-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 8th of July 2013 08:59:09 PM
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
the ex A who I lived with for 7 years was at times very ill. He had not one but two major illnesses. One caused by his drug abuse. I am sure the other illness was not helped by it either. For a long time I felt I "owed" it to him to take care of him because he was so ill. When I left him he had a lot going on for him. His illness was at full height. He didn't have money to go to the hospital.
I took care of him for a full 6 months after I left him, paid his rent, paid for all kinds of stuff including food. I know because he was so ill with his drug addiction and more he didn't appreciate it. I think he felt entitled.
The problem for me was that I didn't feel entitled to take care of me. I felt I had to take care of everyone else in order to justify being alive. The ex A had decades of drug addiction before I met him it was inevitable that he would get ill. His illness had absolutely nothing to do with me. There were many many times when the ex A wanted me to go back to him. He wanted the old me back though the one who was codependent and sick to death with resentment and chaos.
The recovered me maintains a balance and an awareness I do not have now. The people who I bring into my life consciously (there are those that are there regardless because of course I cannot control everything!) are people who don't require me to give until my last drop. I set limits these days and I am wary of people who need every bit of attention and to be on the main stage all the time.
I have read all your posts with interest because you talk so clearly about life being on life's terms. For some of us that means watching people self destruct right in front of us. The new life for so many of us is that we don't go along with them. The ex A brought me to my knees on so many levels, spiritually, emotionally, financially, and I often felt I would not get back up.
I know this is an incredibly difficult time to watch someone you love and loved so deeply die of a dreadful disease. You didn't allow that same disease to destroy you too. I know many people who were destroyed by the addiction right alongside the addict/alcoholic. It is so very easy to be swallowed up by something as virulent as addiction. You didn't succumb.
Sometimes we cannot be with people all the way through their lives but your ex husband had a higher power and I don't doubt for one moment that he felt the force and love of that higher power all his life however difficult it was and still is. Nothing can exclude that force.
I have benefited so much from your wisdom, your clarity and your bittersweet honesty. I am humbled by the grief you have shared and am thinking of you at this very difficult time.
