The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Right now at this moment.. I am thinking about my son.. I just can't seem to keep the focus on my and my recovery. I spoke with him on Sunday and he sounds great and is so in touch with his higher power.. And I told him I have fears!! He responded that he has to work on him and he can't control how I feel and I need to continue to work on me.. There are many parents I know that kick there children out and they show no emotion or care.. I ask what if I had that thick skin maybe I would not feel fear. I guess I knew that I was not going to give up on my son and he always said to md even at his worst"mom have faith".. I hate that I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and he is not here to cause it but his disease is still with me!!
Gaby having lived with the disease of alcoholism we become severely affected and truly need a program of recovery . Our symptoms are loss of self esteem, feeling lonely, empty, isolated, fearful, angry, resentful and full of self pity We blame others for how we feel and expect them to fix us.
Your son is experiencing his own recovery and must learn all new tools to live by. He is correct he honestly cannot fix anyone . Alanon tools, meetings, reading literature, living in the moment in the day refusing to rehash the past or project negative happenings into the future is the key to our sanity and health. It is not easy and is a process so please know that coming here and breaking the isolation by sharing your heart is an important part of your recovery.
Thank you Hotrod.. I have emotions and feelings that keep coming back and I have so many supporters and many books to read and with my crazy work schedule I try to put in a meeting a week. I go faithfully to church and I do so much praying and truly try to live by the saying " let go and let god " .. I'm just stuck in fear and hurt and just ask if I did it different would it had been the same results. Thank you and god bless..
Your son seems to be doing and saying the exact right things, be proud of him and try to put your focus on the positve, takecare of you first and foremost.
Aloha Gaby...What hotrod says is how I also learned when I was soooo caught up with and in my addiction to my alcoholic/addict wife. This is where the disease owned me and I use to think and say "but I love her" and what I got in response from the fellowship was "that isn't love...its addiction" and I came to understand more what addiction as mentioned in the AMA definition of alcoholism is "...a complusion of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body". She used the alcohol and drugs to destroy her peace of mind and serenity and body and I used her. In the end my HP used her to teach me humility or how to be teachable. Where I was sure the disease would kill her she, like your son, also went into inpatient recovery only she did it different than any other person I had ever heard about or seen. When they came to get her for her very first day they found her sitting on the side of her bed with a bag over her head. When they asked her why she wore the bag over her head she replied "I have come to understand that if I don't allow myself to be blindly lead thru this recovery...I will not make it". She wore that bag over her head for the first two weeks of her journey and for me...as brought to me by an elder sponsor; the definition of humility is "being teachable". Mahalo Akua...Thank you God...the metaphor was right in front of me when I needed to see it.
Have your feelings Sis...have them all and continue the lesson from within your own program. Prayers for you son and his courage to change the things he can.
I suspect you have some fears of what will happen if he stays sober and grows up...Will he need a mommy so much? Then of course you have fears about him relapsing. The program will not make your feelings go away but it will reduce the time you spend dwelling in dark spots. You will just turn your focus onto things that you do have control over and that need you attention more. I found that by going to lots of face to face meetings and hearing others, I was able to see how connected all of us are. It no longer seemed that I was suffering my own personal drama/hell. I realized I could get support at any meeting I went to, that other people were coping with the same issues and making it. It gave me friends to go do things with other than obsess upon my life and what I was afraid of. This is how it worked for me. When you want that change and are ready to give up coveting your fears about your son, it will work for you. Also - giving up on the fear and surrendering to that does NOT mean giving up on your son. In fact, it's a sign of confidence in him and in his HP that he will go down whatever path is meant for him.
When my mom was all worried and fearful for me all the time, it did not help. I used that as further evidence of what a loser I was so I could drink. If she had not been worried and fearful, I might have decided she didn't care and that would have been reason to drink too. In essence - when I wanted to drink, I found the reasons so my mom was better off detaching. So give up the fear but you don't have to give up on your son. Believe in his HP and yours.
. I'm just stuck in fear and hurt and just ask if I did it different would it had been the same results. Thank you and god bless..
Gaby the fear and hurt you are feeling are real and will take time and effort to dissipate. What helped me was to accept that alcoholism is a disease over which I was and am powerless. It can be arrested and never cured .You have done the best you could and are now reaching out here and are seeking recovery for yourself Please know that the Steps of alanon were designed to enable us to process and own the pain of the past and fear of the future When you are ready you will work them and the old will no longer cause you pain.
I am so happy that your son is now in in recovery and has found a way to his Higher Power
Oh do I know what your going through. I wasn't that long ago that I too was going through the fear, worry and WHAT IFS of this disease. I just couldn't function from day to day. My son isn't working a program...trying...but not ready I guess. He will do it in his own time or he will have to come to terms of his choices.
But for me to continue with my suffering wasn't doing nothing to help him...NOTHING. Only bring me so much pain and heartache. With Al-anon and MIP I have come to terms and out of denial of my feelings and have started my recovery. Believe me it isn't easy but one day at a time I'm getting better. The worry and fears are going away because I can deal with them when they arise. I seek help when this happens and it puts them to rest. I have learned to control my behavior and think before I react.
And you can too.
I am happy your son is doing what HE needs to do and found his HP. He can do this without his moms fear and worry. He can do this without your help. He needs to do this without your help. So when you get help for you, you are helping him. The love and support without the fear is the best way for him.
I love my son dearly but will give him the respect and dignity to succeed on his own if he so chooses. He is already in enough pain about how he been acting. He doesn't need his mom to worry and be upset too.
Take care, you and your son will be in my prayers
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
