Lost and worried - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Lost and worried

Heidi H · Newbie

Hello all,

Hi, I am Heidi and I live with my AH--married since 2010, sober since November 29, 2011. I am new to these boards but not to the concept. I joined several message boards to help me cope through a very difficult pregnancy loss in 2003, and I found the rapport and fellowship so helpful. I am hoping to find the same here.

I must confess, I have only gone to 3 face-to-face Al-Anon meetings since my husbands sobiety. I feel like I need to give a little backstory before I seek your support.

I met my current husband (AH) as I was rebounding from a challenging divorce and had been dating another man for a while. We were setup by friends and within 6 months, we were head-over-heels and engaged. But there were some serious behavioral warning signs I chose to ignore(clinging, calling me 8-12 times a day, controlling, etc). I never noticed his drinking problem until our wedding/honeymoon planning was in the final stages. I never knew an alcoholic, not a real one, and I foolishly thought he could just *stop drinking*. He feigned sobriety on and off for a whole year. He got a DUI on New Year's Eve, 2010. I was working the night shift at the hospital and I get a call from the jail asking for me to pick him up. He lost his licesnse for 6 months and paid a $5000 fine. This didn't seem to affect him at all--as his wife I became forced to drive him to his job(even though I was the primary breadwinner). It came to a head on our honeymoon to Ireland, fall of 2011. He was drunk the entire trip. We fought a lot--it was quite volatile. We each experienced the death of a parent that year, (my mom, aged 49---his dad, 62). AH's mother had died 5 years prior--this was his last living parent. This culminated in his eventual decision to attend inpatient rehab (for the 3rd time).

After rehab, I though things would change. They didn't. Oh, he didn't drink anymore. But I started to see who the *real* person inside was, and I didn't like it. I still don't. He's emotionally labile. Lovey/kissy one minute......acts like he loathes me and I disgust him the next. He complains about my weight (I've gained almost 50 lbs since I met him), yet he cooks the most delicious and fat-laden foods for me, and gets angry when I refuse to eat more than I should. He is always shoving food at me. Every effort I make to lose weight, he sabotages. He takes NO responsibility for his own actions--EVER. He is the king of manipulation,blame and excuses. We live in an assexual marraige. Can't remember the last time we engaged in that. For almost 6 months after rehab we tried, but he struggles with ED. I would have expected that when he was actively alcoholic, not now!

I am really at my wits end, and starting to realize that I am part of the problem. My last husband was like this as well, but he was a sex-addict. That ended in a messy divorce which left me in financial ruin. I am still recovering from that and living in relationship hell. My AH goes to 2-3 AA meetings a day, yet his behavior at home is getting worse. He yells at me, rages over stupid things, like missing remote controls, and calls me at work with angry tirades. I am a nurse, for God's sake! At work, I need to care for other people's needs. He is unemployable and has been unable to hold down a job for the last 2 years----and he's been SOBER? WTH? I was recently forced (due to finances) to take on a second nursing job so that we could pay on overdue bills. Our credit gets worse every day. I now work 70+ hours a week. OUr "arrangement" was that I would work, and he would handle domestic duties. WELL---8 weeks later: our house smells, it's never clean, my laundry is never done in a apporpriate amount of time, and our house ( that we rent from friends) looks like a hovel, inside and out. He never takes care of the lawn--it looks like the Clampetts live at this house. Our friends have had enough and asked us to leave. He is completely in denial that he has any part to play in this debacle. He chooses now to shun and hate our friends (who supported him for over 15 years in alcoholism and rehab), blaming them for the whole situation and taking no responsibility for his lazy ways and sense of entitlement. No one talks to us anymore. Our life is embarrassing.

One of the worst things about this is.....he INSISTED I become catholic after we got married so our marraige could be validated in the eyes of the church (We were married protestant in an outdoor wedding). After a year of hard work and learning (and ANOTHER wedding--this time, a Catholic one) I became a devout follower, and after only 2 months of being Catholic, he decided that it wasn't for him anymore, because his friends at AA are all Methodists and Apostolic Catholics. And he wants me to convert again. I just want my marraige to function on SOME kind of normal level.....I feel like I live in dysfunction junction and I am starting to wonder if this is worth working on---since I seem to be the ONLY one in our life that works on anything other than myself. And BTW--we are only 32 years old. He has alienated everyone in his life from before his sobriety. He expects me to do the same.

I need some perspectives and thoughts on my situation. We currently bought a car together ( he has the credit, I make the money). I am looking for places to live since we are going to be leaving our current rental situation. I have mentioned to him that I think a separation is in order. He says he wants marraige counseling, but never follows through on arranging it with his contact/sponsor from AA. I suggested that we use someone outside AA and he refuses--yet he will not take the steps to get us an appointment (he wont share the contact information). That has been going on since January. I honestly can't remember why I fell in love with him, but I feel now that our marraige deserves a fair shot in counseling because its the right thing to do. I took vows and I meant them. I guess I just wasn't expecting to live in perpetual mental disease and sickness. I am at my wits end. HELP?

Heidi H

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Heidi

I think if this were my daughters post I was reading

I would ask her "ok, now that u told me what all the problem is, what do you think the solution is???"

the solution is meetings meetings meetings,,,I know w/70 hrs. work, I would find one on the way home OR get on line in your what free time you have and go online meetings

I would get a sponsor, I would get a workbook on the steps and work em

sounds to me like Hubby is a controller and does not accept you as you are, I've been there, done that

The bottom line is that you won't change him a bit, but you can change you and how you view you and raise up your self esteem that has to be shot by now w/all the insults he has hurled at you....MY AH #1 was an abuser...put downs, insults, I had zero self respect

we can only make our lives better by deciding to put ourselves first...our needs first....our recovery first and foremost...

he had to do what he has to do......U and only U can help U....and that is to work the program

I would refuse to over eat his food, eat what I want and say "thank you" and leave the rest....

Also I am reading that he is on and off again....sounds like a borderline to me, but I am not shrink and its not my business to analize anyone

I urge you to come here....read the man posts and absorb the wisdom...share what you feel comfortable with....on line meets if fac2fac is too much with your work schedule.....and also big time work on the 12 steps and the alanon suggested slogans and literature

nothing changes if nothing changes and it aint gonna change until YOU decide to change YOU

this is about you...I keep my sanity by focusing on me and my recovery

yes, I like to be generous and supportive, but I take good care of me first...

if he is patterned not to follow through than chance are marriage councelling wn't work b/c he won't show up, my AH did the same thing......he talked me out of divorce the first "go around" by suggesting marriage councelling....I showed up for work....he showed up for ONE meet...the rest was me..and the councellor told me that I should get rid of him, that he was appalled at my AH blaming everything on me and not taking responsibility for HIS part......the COUNCELLOR told me this

I ended up leaving but still was not ready for recovery so I married again, to a nice AH this time...no abuse...no bad stuff, just he Drank.....i was #2 to the drink

we lasted 12 years b/c I was sick and tired of being sick and tired....I was "done" by being "done in" all the time and I knew, even tho he was sweet to me I knew life had to be better thanthis...

so i swore off relationships until I got into recovery and worked it for about 3-4 years..I was so messed up , I needed that much time just to SEE what I could do to help me

long story, but I would, if I were you read our posts....share if you like, get a sponsor ASAP and go to meets, fac2fac or on line...I never had much luck findng fac2fac ones so the bulk, 95% of my meets were on line and they helped me very much

also sharing on here working with a sponsor, now she has passed on so I am sponsorless, but I have a recovery mate with whom I share and we work 2gether.....

also I am big on the steps and family of origin discovery, meaning that I went back to my family of origin and figured out WHY i picked drunks...why i had no self esteem, why I fear lack....why why why, it was all there for me to sort out and thenwork on...

please keep coming back.....this does work

Tina L · Member

hi im also the new girl Tina L and it took a lot of courage to write and let people know your story. every experience is important. important for u to get out and for us to listen. i don't know what I'm doing either but just being here, in the moment . And its sad but still good to know that we , together even tho we have never met, can share our pain and know in the darkness we are not alone. we are loved and we can love ourselves. i just right now said that for the first time. baby steps my friend together we will overcome and with the help of our new friends we can begin to heal

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome dear Heidi, First I want to say I am very sad about your loss of the pregnancy. Losing a child, even your dreams of one is quite devistating!My heart goes out to you.

Yes the disease is horribly hard on us. So cutting him away from it all, what do you want? If you could have what you need to be happy, whole, healthy what would it look like?

What can you give to you to bring that life you want?

I can understand what would push you to counseling. Trouble is the primary problem is the disease. A good read is, "Getting Them Sober." By Toby Rick Drews. volume one. It can change your outlook. Title is misleading. I am not kidding, it is my bible for addiction.

Myself I like to sit down with my journal and write what I want. Circle it, then draw lines to out to how I can achieve that. circle them. then write another want.

I also do this with needs. Very different from wants. With all the mess of pain you shared with us, it may help you to get some perspective, some goals.

Your life describes one of the worst, and normal non A, and A relationships.I do agree with you that a separation would give you a chance to rest, and really be able to decide what you need and want. Does not mean you guys cannot get back together. However the clarity you seek, for me, I had to get away from the life.

I am telling you I saw things I did not see before. Things as simple as cobwebs, my eyebrows, how quiet life can be, how serene it is with no negative complaining. LIFE does not have to be like it is Heidi. We have the power to change that. Plus you live up to your vows, but it does no good if the other partner does not. I do believe one person can ruin a marriage. This it takes two is bs.

He is scared to death right now. You are who babysits him, does everything for him. He may just have to get a job! Or if he really is unemployable, then he can get social security disability! When we do it all as you are, we are killing them. We are not making it possible for them to grow up on their own.

You are smart and a loving person to be a nurse. thank you for that!

Its hard to face what they need the most is for us to let them go or shove them out. Let them figure it out, or not. Then we need to build ourselves back up. I love someone put on here something about how the A's disease poisons a river and how it goes out to everyone around them.

I refused to allow the disease to kill me and out the door he went. Hey I loved mine desperately too for over thirty years!

He was a fine musician, was great back with his friend who died from a heroin overdose and driking. This was back when Jimi Hendrix was around, Jackson Brown etc. he was up there. Such a neat person.

I would NEVER be with an A again. never. I would love one, be ones friend for sure, no question. there are many things about them I love so very much!

Anyway please keep coming. You won't be sorry. We already love you for the courage it took to come here! hugs,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Erectile dysfunction at 32 - the drinking - self hate. Trying to make it work in a relationship with a strong female. Hrm... This is just me but when I was in a similar situation, the biggest cause of those problems was that I was gay and needed to come out of the closet.

Whether or not that is the case - he still has self-sabotage and self-hate going on so severely that it distracts from him being available to you as a full partner and it makes it so he is not able to fully engage in the world as a grown up...employee and citizen.

I suspect the "stay at home" arrangement is also emasculating for him even though there is nothing wrong with the concept of a house husband. He probably needs to learn to negotiate the world sober and that includes jobs and being financially self-sufficient. I bet you he would probably suddenly be "employable" if he didn't have your salary to rely on and justify his not working.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It also sounds like he put you in the role of "mom" instead of wife and that is really an intimate turn off. All the cuddling and lovey dovey and then the rageful tantrum, refusal to do chores. It sounds like dealing with an emotionally stunted person. He sounds like he's functioning at the level of a child. He needs mommy for love and then assurrance when things seem "No fair!" and to get on him about chores while he sulks.

The draw is for you to act like his mom. It will be pretty hard to step out of that role and pattern while he is continually trying to suck you back into it without acknowledging it. A marriage of equals would be ideal. You can draw boundaries and detach to a certain degree that will allow that to happen bit by bit.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh my what a mess, huh? You have received some stellar guidance and that is what you will continue to get if you get involved in this al anon program of recovery we have discovered. I had to be in tremendous pain before I reached for help. I thank my HP (God) that I reached for help before I was totally destroyed. I, too, worked in the medical field caring for people all day long, raising 4 kiddos and living with an active alcoholic/addict while my life force slowly wasted away...it is hell. It doesn't matter whether he is or isn't in recovery, he is one sick puppy and you don't have to be his whipping post. Fast forward your life into a few years in the future..what does it look like if you continue to live like this? Keep coming back p.s. I am not sure I would eat the food he prepares...

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you can dive into your recovery, face to face meetings and reading everything al-anon you can get your hands on. Focusing on yourself and healing from the hurt that has and is happening is very important when it comes to prioritizing who and what comes first. I used to take care of my exAH and we used to make about the same amount of money and when he worked less, because of drinking and I took on another job to pick up the slack, I was walking around so resentful and just angry. I felt he was the man and should be the bread winner and that is what he agreed to when we had kids, so I could just work part time, but when that was not happening and the drinking was taking over I had to take a separation time to refocus on what I wanted and needed. In that time I found al-anon and myself in it! Smartest thing I ever did! Sending you much love and support!

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Heidi-I read down the thread and the folks that wrote are really terrific. I, like yourself, was stunned to learn that my spouse had multiple addictions! Was I awake? I don't use any drugs or alcohol-was I paying attention? It has taken me several years to just accept that my marriage is a total mess and I have become sick too. So you are not alone. I think alanon and my sponsor will bring me to a peaceful state of mind but I will confess there is hard, hard work I have to do. But I am worth it, and you are too. Come back, OK? Lyne

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