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New girl I am proud of you. Keep looking at your pictures, never go back. I lived 10 years with an alcoholic abusive husband honey it only escalates. I had 3 children and I know what it did to them. For me I lived in fear all the time felt ZERO WORTH!!!
Stay away Life is to be lived in peace. Call your local battered woman's shelter they will counsel you over the phone. It will also familiarize yourself with a safe house should you need a safe place.
Abuse only escalates the sad facts are I have lived in battered women's shelters I have never seen man who abuses stop. He is an alcoholic which makes his battering far more dangerous.
STAY SAFE-file a restraining order you are valued. Honey you are stronger than he is this I know for a fact.
please seek safety my prayers are with you
Stay strong! No one deserves to live in fear and no one deserve to be hit
{{{Faith}}}}
-- Edited by FAITH1988 on Sunday 7th of July 2013 01:10:44 AM
It has been very sad for me these last couple of days. My face and body have bruises it is a constant reminder that I need to get better for me. My husband does not recall beating me he said he doesn't even remember getting home. He was not remorseful nor did he take responsibility for what he did. He said IF I did this I'm sorry. Really? IF he did this?? That's when I realized he has completely lost touch with reality. I've beem staying at a friends house and I'm looking for a place
next week. I may have to look for a roomate or something like that. I took pictures of my injuries and when I think I want to go back I look at them. Idk when my self esteem got so low. Idk when it became acceptable to take all the verbal abuse. Idk when it happened but I'm aware of it now and I now know I have the power to change me. Thank you for all the support I really really appreciate it.
I've been away from house and he has yet to look for me. I was the one that called him. He really doesn't care about me. I saw on fb where he has been posting on another woman's page abt how wonderful she is and how beautiful she is. Just sweet talking her. She doesn't know what a monster he is. It makes me upset to know that he could beat me one night then be all lovey dovey with another woman the next night. Its just insanity. Our wedding anniversary is in August we would of had 15 years. Im just so sad.
i am sorry your pain. 15 years is a long time to have lived this way. I know I too got scarred and would go back to my abusive husband only to be beaten and humiliated more. Oh mine had affairs.
You now must really know you are valued and can live a peaceful life without abuse.
Abuse never stops! You deserve so much more!
Al anon teaches us if we can't take it one day at a time we take it one hour at a time.
. Idk when my self esteem got so low. Idk when it became acceptable to take all the verbal abuse. Idk when it happened but I'm aware of it now and I now know I have the power to change me. Thank you for all the support I really really appreciate it.
As a person who has experienced abuse in a marriage, I have to share with you the "boiling frog" argument. Supposedly, if you put a frog into cold water, and then slowly, in small increments, turn up the heat, the frog will stay in the water until it is boiled. If however, you put a frog into boiling water, it will immediately jump out.
If your A had beaten you up at the beginning of your relationship, you wouldn't have stayed. Things with alcoholism tend to get worse little by little by little, and we try to make it work...until we can't anymore. and yes...some of us end up getting boiled so to speak.
Please know how very many women experience this....and be gentle with yourself. You are NOT alone. You will get to the other side...one day at a time...
(((safe hug))) Why not post your pictures on facebook for all the women to see. "This is the result of being married to a raging alcoholic for 15 years. My husband, (tag his name) took no responsibility for doing this to me. Someone else is on his menu now ladies, please be careful".
Do not hide your wounds in shame. It's his shame, not yours. Let him see it, don't hide your wounds from him or those he interacts with.
Lastly, you have a right to be happy, joyous and free... but it takes action. Keep in mind that doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, doesn't get them.
I know this is a very hard time for you, and I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers as I go about my day.
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
((((New Girl)))) As a man and former physical abuser I apologize for what happened to you. There was no justification for it so therefore its not excusable. I am a former abuser and also a former alternatives to violence mens' case manager. Read Pinkchip's post again and follow thru on it. Take those pictures to the police and save them for the court. Go and get a TRO or whatever a protective or restraining order is called in your town and do now what should have been done before he violated you. Express gratitude to your HP that you didn't loose your life to a perpetrator who says "If" I did it. Do not be a willing victim. Be the warrior now. Take the pictures to the police and call a family protection operation as soon as you can and get the TRO. Again...I am soooo sorry you went thru this.
Just something else to think about...Don't incite who should not be incited. Go after this alcoholic's self centeredness, pride and ego and can and will duplicate what he already knows he can do and get away with. Don't poke dog crap with a stick...the smell will only get worse.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 7th of July 2013 12:41:07 PM
I must agree with Jerry on this Take constructive actions for your safety and well being. Go the legal route and you will be protected and safe. Alanon sugggest that we neither prevent a crisis from happening nor provoke one
Please take care of you.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 7th of July 2013 03:33:37 PM
TRO, or no TRO, (which I believe should be gone after, as well as criminal charges immediately 100%) I am however still 100% completely in favor of posting the pics on FB. Your abuse happened behind closed doors, it grows in secrecy, and in silence. The abuser counts on your loyalty to not expose him publicly, on your fear, on your dependency, on your willingness to protect him in the face of such atrocities (physical abuse) in the name of love. It's not about you seeking vengeance, its about full exposure. Bringing to broad day light what you have experienced at his hands. You are not under the same roof, you are with other safe people around you. Being his "secret keeper" is what allows abuse to escalate and for many that secret is what allows an abuser to stay in a ongoing state of denial and justification. It also keeps the abuser from becoming accountable and responsible for their actions.
I am going to keep my opinion to myself regarding a few others replies here as I have no desire to debate this issue. I will only say that YOUR recovery and healing comes first. Self empowerment, taking the leading role in your life is of utmost importance. When a abuse survivor becomes the secret keeper, instead of the exposure of light on the reality in which they live or have lived, whether it is due to fear, desire to reconcile or whatever, their life is still being dictated by the abuser. Also, as we hear many times in the rooms of recovery; "I'm only as sick as my secrets".
Empowerment also entails letting go of resentment. The word "resent" comes from an Italian phrase that means to "relive". To maintain a resentment, we have to "relive" the experience, and all the emotional, mental ramifications of it in our head, over and over. Thereby, allowing the abuser to continue its abuse, even in their absence. I heard a man once share, "He shot me once while he was there, and another 100 times while he was no where in sight, because I let him". Work on letting go of any resentment while you are working on empowering yourself. PTSD does not come as a by product of an event, but in the aftermath of it, based on what we do with it and how we deal with it mentally and emotionally. Thus, it is called "POST" TSD. Resentment and all the "stuff" related to it is what often results in PTSD.
Without full disclosure and exposure, to family, friends, the court system, the police and the public, an abuser will not be encouraged to to get or seek help, no less stop abusing. Instead, they will put the tiger in a cage, on hold, carry it into the next relationship and slowly start releasing it again. Often, unbeknownst to them or any one else. Abuse comes in many forms, some subtle, some not so subtle but always escalates when kept secret in the darkness of despair and fear.
John
PS. I share here from my own personal experience, AND the experience of many I have and do work with that are recovering abusers and abuse survivors.
-- Edited by John on Sunday 7th of July 2013 02:34:49 PM
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
(((safe hug))) Why not post your pictures on facebook for all the women to see. "This is the result of being married to a raging alcoholic for 15 years. My husband, (tag his name) took no responsibility for doing this to me. Someone else is on his menu now ladies, please be careful".
Woah! Now that is an idea! Only if you feel safe doing that, like he wouldn't come after you again just for doing that. If not, worst he can do is untag his name! If there are some people you don't want to see it then maybe create a list? when he's tagged all his friends will see it.
Uhm....i'd like to raise a little bit of a red flag here as a person who has lived with violent men about posting your face on fb...will it increase the danger to you? And if you decided to do that, what would your motives be? If it were me before I had had time to process everything and heal myself, part of the motivation would be revenge and that always comes back to bite us. My concern would also have to do with your safety. From what you've posted on this board, the violence continues to escalate in him and a fb picture posting - especially when he's denying it and acting insanely could increase the danger to you. It's also my understanding that what you post on the internet stays there forever, so if that is true do you want that picture of you out there for years or in the hands of future employers, etc?
I agree there is no reason for you to feel ashamed or to hide what has happened to you at his hand but whose hands do you want to entrust yourself to now? You said you called him after being beat up, but did you call the police, too? If you continue to go back to him in one way or another, you will continue to put yourself in harm's way and that could hurt you, too, when you want or need police intervention.
In the end, you are responsible for the choices you make and the risks you take since this is your life and the way you choose to play it. Yet, as a woman in recovery who chose unconsciously many years ago to stay with an abusive man, I do want to ask you to think about the risks you are taking in continuing to contact him and considering fb postings. If he wasn't in your life and you could do anything you wanted to do today that would help you enjoy yourself with healthy pleasures, what would those things be, newgirl? What if for today you could pretend to yourself that he isn't in your life and do some of those things?
I'm very concerned for you, dear. What if you try to focus on you today and what you're doing to show yourself love and when thoughts of him come to your mind just say to your HP - I can't help him. You can. I'll let you.
The best way to protect self and others would be to go to the police. He broke the law - plain and simple. Domestic violence and battery are against the law. From all your posts, it is glaringly obvious he is a danger to self and others. He needs help and others need to be protected from him. It's not easy to do the right thing and I could understand the fear of going to the police and reporting the crime committed by your own husband. I'm not telling you what to do as I know it's not that simple but that is what I would do. Drunk or not...bipolar...manic...whatever. Violence is violence and there's no excuse.
I like what John said about posting but that would be to let him know what he did which he isn't really fessing up to anyway. I love what others and Pinkchip have to say and I believe in the frog theory too, I would never had stayed if things hadn't slowly gotten worse. I would go to the police while you still have bruises and get a restraining order on him, you may need it later. Violence is never okay and it starts small like verbal bashes here and there, but eventually it can go to full blown physical abuse and it leaves a mess to clean up for the victim. I know I have had to work through lots growing up being abused and then realizing my exAH had crossed that line in a blackout once was enough. I am so sorry you have to deal with this, but please take care of yourself and protect yourself! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
(((safe hug))) Why not post your pictures on facebook for all the women to see. "This is the result of being married to a raging alcoholic for 15 years. My husband, (tag his name) took no responsibility for doing this to me. Someone else is on his menu now ladies, please be careful".
Do not hide your wounds in shame. It's his shame, not yours. Let him see it, don't hide your wounds from him or those he interacts with.
Lastly, you have a right to be happy, joyous and free... but it takes action. Keep in mind that doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, doesn't get them.
I know this is a very hard time for you, and I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers as I go about my day.
John
Oh PLEASE take John's suggestion here.....I absolutely was thinking the SAME thing....Going viral on FAcebook.....Let the monster and his potential victims SEE what he DID to you....
and someone said a restraining order...YES YES YES......Its not about revenge......as to FB...Do you want him to do this to another pour soul and perhaps KILL her??? and abuse only escalates.....he didn't even show remourse.......do you want to take your powr back????? Take those pics....Post them......Get a restraint order......call shelter for advise, they can even help you get a lawyer who will take the case, perhaps, pro bono, where YOU get the house and support while you heal, inside and out..
why should he get away with this????? if I knew back when I was abused, what I know now, that monster would AH#1, I am talking about, It would have been a very different story
PLEASE take care of you and BE SAFE.....GENTLE hugs coming your way
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Dear Jerry: I know you are posting to newgirl, but until now I did not know that you also used physical abuse for whatever purpose was yours. In my entire life, I have never heard one man offer an apology to a woman for the abuse they suffered at a man's hand - not in a private way nor on a public forum. Thank you for doing that.
I'm also glad you are inviting newgirl NOT to do anything to incite more violence in relationship to this very sick man and to go to the police with her proof. Sometimes, abused women need to hear guidance from a male in matters like these with no tips on posturing in the relationship. It is good to see you rise up to protect her. I hope other women who are in abusive situations will read your post, too, and take action to protect themselves NOW without thinking it won't happen again or they can handle it on their own without involving the police.
You know I am reading these posts and I am thinking about my "vindictiveness" may have reared its head...
IF he can get at you, maybe the facebook thingy , although deserved, it may trigger him to go at you again, but I DO maintain....
I would do it IF i was absolutely SURE he would not could not get at me.....Like
Pictures....Police...restraint order.....and call the shelter for a list of good lawyers
I think, the facebook thing is a good idea ONLY if he cannot get at you....I mean you know him the best....
bottom line...take care of you and as Jerry says..."Be a warrior" for yourself.....and Please DO NOT be ashamed of your bruises , HE did this to you and he needs to pay
in what way??? is up to you, but def. pictures of the wounds....police....restraining order......call shelter to see what you can do to be proactive in caring for you
FB is a great idea, ONLY if it is not dangerous to you......You know him best.....
Follow your inner voice.......PEACE and HUGS to you
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I know everyone here wants to do what's best. What I'd advise is that if you're thinking of posting pictures on Facebook, you speak with someone from a domestic violence shelter first, to talk through possible implications. Posting pictures like that is something that can't be reversed. (You could take the pictures down but who knows who has taken a copy of them first). The first priority is your safety and well-being. Unquestionably your A is not right to do these things, but it is not your responsibility to try to control what he does. Do take care of yourself first and foremost. I hope you have a face-to-face meeting too? We need all the healthy support we can get at times like this. Hugs.
Wow...you must feel supported and confused. There is agreement that you were living with an abuser and you did the right thing by removing yourself. The next action is to contact a domestic violence shelter and let them guide you through the next best action. They will take you be the hand, hold it, support you, and, through their experience, suggest the next safest step for your highest good. Surrender to their help, lean on them and surround yourself with the love of your HP. Can you tell we all care for your well being? Sending you love and support through this pain.
Wow...you must feel supported and confused. There is agreement that you were living with an abuser and you did the right thing by removing yourself. The next action is to contact a domestic violence shelter and let them guide you through the next best action. They will take you be the hand, hold it, support you, and, through their experience, suggest the next safest step for your highest good. Surrender to their help, lean on them and surround yourself with the love of your HP. Can you tell we all care for your well being? Sending you love and support through this pain.
I just want to add, that its NOT about revenge, I mentioned in a post that I can be "vindictive" when I am really triggered and angry and abuse of any kind triggers and angers me at the abuser.....it really is NOT about revenge when I gave my take
I think the shelter thing is the best thing to do....domestic violence people can guide you with the police dept. and the charges if any, they will know what to do and how to guide you...most of them have their masters degree in psychology and can really help you.....I agree with PP's post here, after thinking about it
I like John's take on exposure and NOT letting him get away with his crime however b/c I am not in your situation and don't know what kind of violence this man is capable of, I think a shelter with the experts is a smart thing to do...take pics of your wounds..you may need them in court....PICTURES speak a thousand words....DV experts can guide you on that......they can guide you with lawyers when you leave him........
There is a lot of takes on this board...
I know for me, when my bio father was abusing me, I was a threatened, frightened, coerced little 14 year old who heard his constant threats about "something could happen to my baby brothers" or a pet could end up dead......AND he even tried to get me to help him murder my mother...I was the one who was to push her off our boat so she would drown.....THAT I REFUSED to do.....scared as I was, THAT was something I would not do adn the coward screamed like a girl b/c I Said "NO...HELL NO...I will not help you murder this woman".....
most bullies are afraid when confronted and exposed, however AGAIN....let the DV experts guide you.....I thought about you at the pool when I got away to "detach and think" and calm down, after another violent phone confrontation with my druggie brother who lives in CA and I am in TX....I know now as an adult, I would seek help.....expose the B**tard to prevent him from hurting another woman, but I would do it SMART....get help...advice.....seek the advice and help from a shelter with DV experts who know what to do.......
I guess that is why I am posting under PP b/c after a swim and detachment, I am agreeing.....he HAS to be held accountable......but ONLY AFTER you have sought and found help that is gonna back you up......I def. would take pictures..... DV people will help you report to the police , nowadays woman have some help.......used to be we were on our own ......maybe that is why my bio mother took the "high road" and drank herself to death...she was married to a monster and noone helped her......now a woman has HELP
I agree with the ones who said don't take this on alone........GET HELP..........DV shelter seems to me the way I would go about it.......
I will pray for you BIG TIME............sooo sorry this happened to you..........as a product of abuse i know how crappy one feels and its NOT YOUR FAULT..........I do agree these people (abusers) need to be EXPOSED and STOPPED....but I urge you to let the DV experts guide you as to HOW you do it...
your safety comes first...............HUGSSSSS
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hugs to you, Newgirl. I'm so glad you removed yourself from that dangerous situation when you did, and that you won't allow yourself to be treated this way any more. I second filing a police report, and I love the boiled frog story somebody mentioned. What you wrote here really made me sit up and take notice: "Idk when my self esteem got so low. Idk when it became acceptable to take all the verbal abuse." Thank you for reminding me of this realization. I have had this realization myself a few times but it's always good to see it through the eyes of somebody else because I guess I go back to being a boiled frog again (although my water, as such, is never boiling, just extremely uncomfortable on a daily basis).
I'm relatively new to Al Anon compared with others here, but I would think that posting photos of your bruising on Facebook would not be a very good way to look after yourself first and foremost. It's not a good way of 'keeping your own side of the street clean'. No, don't hide and protect him, either. Just focus on getting yourself to a safe place.
I just want to say to Jerry F....Thank you for being so open, honest with your share.......Its rare I see your kind of honesty...U R a fine example of what recovery can do if one works their program..........God bless you !!!!!
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I, too, get triggered when there is physical violence in the space and I have a very active imagination when it comes to conjuring up ways to get revenge
I, too, get triggered when there is physical violence in the space and I have a very active imagination when it comes to conjuring up ways to get revenge
thank you PP for letting me know I am not alone..........oh yea, abuse of any kind brings out the baaad in me........and oh yea, the "conjuring up ways to get revenge" I sooooo relate.......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Today...after all of the lessons...I let the triggering lead me into quiet reflection...3 seconds or more. It is in that hesitation that I don't react from my pride and ego I get to respond from within the program. That was a huge lesson for me that and what I heard at a meeting from another fellow in recovery, "It is within that 3 seconds of time that God is". How perceptive...how so inviting for my spirit. I now know for sure one of the places that I can find God everytime I look. ((((hugs))))
For me as someone who lived with an abuser I was all too aware that everyone knew about the abuse. I didn't have to advertise it. They already knew, they heard, they saw the bruises and they absolutely knew what was going on in our house. Nothing was a secret and they all had their own opinions, feelings and conclusions about what was happening. I felt incredibly shamed, angry and remorseful that so many people knew and I felt that I had few people around who would understand the many levels of feelings I had about where I was.
I know full well many an alcoholic/abuser lives in denial. I spent years trying to spirit the now ex A out of denial. The problem is he didn't come out of denial in fact he went further and further into denial.
For me the next right thing wasn't always to confront the abuser. Sometimes the confrontation had to happen down the line. Some people who have abused me will never say sorry. I may want them to but the likelihood is pretty dim that they will ever admit to what they did. I have had to learn to detach from that rather than make it something my recovery hinges on.
For me the next right thing was to do what I needed to do to take care of me. That meant for me when I left the ex A to take care of me rather than focus on him. He had his own issues to deal with I had mine. The trouble was that my issues were all intricately mixed up with his and I didn't know which were mine and which were his. I was lucky enough to be on this board with a number of people who very lovingly informed me that I did not have to account for his every move anymore. I am so grateful to them because I really felt that I was responsible for his life and not that responsible for my own.
The more I focused on what "he" did to me rather than what I needed to do next the more distracted I became. Certainly I had grief issues and they were difficult to work through. I think the book Getting them sober by Toby Rice Drew can be such a incredible resource for someone in the throes of separation. I know I refer to it often.
Expectations are so key when you are dealing with an alcoholic who has no idea what they did in a black out. Until someone gets sober they are not going to be able to account for their actions. Sometimes, and it means sometimes people are able to indeed make amends and admit to certain issues. For some people that is possible after a period of sobriety and a period of reconciliation for themselves. For some people they are never able to be accountable for their actions. At one point my life seemed to depend on people acknowledging what they did to me. That is no longer the case but it was a difficult grief experience to get to detach from that.
As someone who lived with an alcoholic one of my big issues was that I was obsessed with what he did and not able to focus on what I needed to do. Absolutely the ex A caused incredible havoc in my life. He destroyed everything our finances, our home, our vehicles. In the process he almost destroyed me and our dogs. At one point he left one of the dogs tied to a tree in a wooded area for 3 days without food. She barely recovered from that. The force of virulent alcoholism/addiction is like a hurricane sometimes it takes everything in its path. I am so grateful I was not destroyed by the experience. I am so grateful I got to take my dogs out of the way of that kind of neglect and abuse. I don't doubt I would still be there if it wasn't for this group or I would be dead because that is what alcoholism/addiction does it kills. Bottom line that is the absolute it is guaranteed to destroy so much and so many people who live around the alcoholic.
I felt incredible shame and anger about what the now ex A did for a long long time. When I look around me now alcoholism and addiction are everywhere. There isn't a street, avenue, or major building that doesn't have an alcoholic in it. Every part of our lives is affected by this disease on so many levels. Why should I bear all the shame about it? Everyone in our society is affected by alcoholism. I wasn't singled out to be the one to bear all the pain. I just think I am! That is part of the disease too feeling isolated, alone, shamed, distant and that no one will understand. Any and every person on this board will understand exactly what it is to live and deal with an alcoholic but when I am obsessed I believe it is only me and I am the only one who ever dealt with this kind of issue before. Domestic violence is a very difficult thing to recover from. As much as the ex A abused me I abused myself and what I abused myself about the most was staying with him! I could not find compassion, love or empathy for myself. He had none and I certainly didn't have much for myself either. I also absolutely believed I was not worth looking for it from anyone else at the time.
The time for when to confront the abuser is up to you not for anyone else to decide to mandate. Certainly some people do benefit from counseling and getting a TRO. Getting that kind of help isn't exactly seamless though and it takes a lot of patience, self love and moral support for you to get to the right place, the right person at the right time. I know you can find that support, care and love here. Whatever you decide to do the next step is yours and not something you "should" "would" or "could" do. Whatever the next step you take is absolutely right on and your choice not something that you have to obsess on and wonder about in self doubt. I will be here cheering you along every step of the way. Many many people have been in your shoes. You are not alone in feeling lost, scared and worried about what the future holds. One step at a time you can build a new life for yourself and one good step is to come here and vent and be open about your confusion, loss and anger.
This board has helped me in so many difficult times. When I lived with the ex A and was scared of what his next rage was going to be I often went to the chat room here. I also often looked at the threads of peoples comments. I could follow them in awe of their recovery and I know so many people here who have come through such terrible times with serenity, love and dignity. We are with you right now, right here and we will be there for you whatever choice you make whenever you make it.
