The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So everything is OK but not great yet! Still struggling w/ recovery from surgery. My eyes seem to be OK but I am still nervous about them--my next appt. is on the 23rd--month post-op on the second surgery. I still feel like I want to touch them when they bother me. I also am struggling w/ washing my hair in the shower. I can't get any shampoo or soap in them of course--it is harder than you think. So, I continue to struggle but that is OK.
The 4th was nice. Here it is 3 days ago & I am just talking to you about it. Internet service is off & on & I can't always get to the library to send these posts to you. I have a hard time typing on my new tablet--long posts are almost impossible. Sorry to complain. Back to the 4th. It was really nice--my friends came over for BBQ & fireworks, etc. My buddy & I watched Millionaire, Jeopardy & Wheel together--she doesn't have TV so it was nice to share mine w/ her. She is great! The BBQ went w/o a hitch & I am grateful for that! Last year we did the same thing & maybe we will make it a yearly thing. I don't know for sure but it would not bother me at all if we did. I am getting used to having kids around now. I don't have kids of my own so sometimes it is hard for me to have them over. I still long for children but it wasn't meant to be.
My AH & I are still having communication issues--mostly me because I still snap at him & cut him down--he doesn't deserve it but I still do it. I am a work in progress & sometimes I do these things because I am tired or grumpy for no reason. It is not like he is innocent in these matters, but he is doing much better than I am. He has told me lately that he should tape record what I say so I can hear the way I sound when I speak crap to him. I would not want to go to that extreme.
So, it goes. I have to watch my mouth & also quit gossiping. I am prone to talk crap about others. I know that it is wrong--I am doing better. I said at the beginning of this post that everything is OK. I didn't say that it is even close to perfect. I will never arrive. I can only have a daily reprieve. I can only live one day at a time.
You all have a great day! I am glad you are all here!
Being "OK" is "OK" for me...I no longer expect perfection...so "OK" is Good...OK means I am working my program, with my dings and dents and maintaining
as to snapping at the AH, I can relate...My first AH was abusive so he did deserve my returning his nastiness, but AH#2 was very good to me and I had my "times" where I would slam him with my sarcasm and yes, I am sad to say, I did put him down a lot
I was #2, I felt to the bottle, just like with my mother who did't even protect me from the sire who was a beast from hell, so I began resenting drunks early on and the heck of it is, I drank to numb my pain and my anger, but I could't understand m AH #2 couldn't just "stop" like I could
I didn't understand that it was a progressive , addicting, problem....I loved him and hated him at the same time and my tongue showed it
Sometimes , looking back, I don't know how he stood me but he did for 12 years.
We split b/c I wanted us both in recovery and he did not want recovery
I wanted a better life, w/out booze and beer being #1...I wanted to put me back together after a whole life time of drinking, abuse, lies, broken promises, acting out, violence...
AH#2 never got abusive w/me...Maybe that is why I was so pissed that he did't want to get into recovery as save our relationship....I could not force him, but I could change me and I did
Good to see you back and glad you are getting better from surgery
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hootnanny! How good to hear from you with an update on your surgery's progress. First question that came to mind (OKAY! I've probably put my red flashing light on my head) as I read your struggle about hair and shower - goggles? Those nice big ones that frame your entire area that snorklers use? Would that help?
Glad you are having kids over. There are so many of them out there who need others in their lives that don't HAVE to be there but want to be.
I can get snappy, too. My awareness of that has been in place for awhile now and I do work on it day by day. Notice surge of unpleasantry, breathe, feel, think, act or make an amend - yuck - and try again the next day. I know it is a reaction I developed to protect myself/stand up for myself, but it no longer fits me and I'm working on it - just like you.
Glad to know you're having a little fun, the eye healing is progressing, and you and your AH are working on things together!
Kath...your post reminds me of what I found out behind my similar behaviors in the past. It was about fear...fear this, fear that, fear everything. When I learned the opposite I could stay in serenity a lot longer...for me the opposite of fear is love. Verified by my HP. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I have been fear based for longer than I can rmember...the trauma...waiting for the next violent outburst, was one of them gonna wave a gun around the house thratening to shoot?? or was the beast gonna leave us w/ her lying up stairs zoned out drunk and we with no food at all????
My needs were never met as a child and I carry that fear to this day what if I get sick and I cannot work??? SS is not enough...what if?? what if??? what if this happens or that????
I calm it doing self talk, meditation, doing a gr8ful exercise, out loud....visualizations of life being more secure and my having the $$ to take good care of me
work has been sparse of late, I am getting by, but only b/c I am fortunate in that the truck has quit breaking down for now and no plumbing disasters which were plenty a year ago...seems all is quiet now and I am so glad
but yea, I just have to somehow convince me that I got this far, so i must be meant to make it the rest of the way, otherwise why did I survive that awful childhood??? why did I get into recovery?? IF my HP within me didn't want better situations.....
Its hard, though, I sure hope getting back to work on me will help me think LOVE and not fear....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
